Love Your Flaws

On Thursday I went and saw a therapist.  This was day one of my sobriety, so because of that I had the worst anxiety.  Alcohol tends to make me really shaky, so usually when I have been drinking a lot I shake, which makes my anxiety ten times worse.  I almost didn’t go because of this, but given the situation I felt like I should, and I am so glad I did. 

I have been seeing the same therapist off and on since my wedding was called off 11 years ago, and although he’s great, I need someone who is an expert on addiction, anxiety, and depression.  The day before I quite drinking, I had been drinking a lot.  I made some pretty poor choices that day too, so by the time I went to bed I was feeling pretty lousy.  My family had been under the impression that I hadn’t had a drink since mid-August, and because of that, I didn’t come around very often. I called and text most of them every day, but that’s about it.  As I was lying in bed that night, I heard my text go off.  Because it was nearly midnight, and my phone was too far out of reach, I decided to check it in the morning.  It took me a while to fall asleep that night.  I had such bad anxiety, and although I had tons of alcohol in my system, my mind just wouldn’t stop.  I think I finally fell asleep around 2am.  When I got up around 8:30 to take the dogs out, I checked my phone to see who had text me the night before.  The text was from my sister Abbey, and it read, “You aren’t drinking anymore right?  Still sober?  Just thinking of you.”  When I read that, I kinda just stared at it and wondered if I should just lie and say I am sober, or if I should just tell her.  I didn't want to, but I had the urge to be honest.  It was like someone was saying out loud to me, “Amelia, tell the truth.  Please be honest.  Be who you want to be.”  So, I did.  I wrote her back and told her that I had been drinking, but that I was going to be sober from that day forward, well, was going to at least try and make it through the day.  Sometimes I think of days and weeks ahead, when I really just need to remember that all we have is today.  When I wrote that text back letting her know I had been drinking, it was almost like a weight came off my shoulders.  Abbey is one of the most non-judgemental people I know, so when I told her I knew her response would be nothing short of love and support, which it was.  She went on to tell me that she had been thinking of me lately and had a strong intuition to text me.  I told Abbey to please not mention anything to my parents.  I felt like I just wanted to work through this and get a few weeks in before I talk to them about it.  It wasn't because I didn’t want them to know, but on that day I knew my mom was at work, and I knew she wouldn't be able to work if she knew.  After we talked, I figured that would be the end of it and started my day.  It was about an hour later that I get a knock at my door. When I opened it and saw my dad on the other side I about went through the floor. He has been to my apartment maybe three times since I moved in a year and a half ago.  I knew why he was there though, he didn't even need to tell me.  He had just found out that I was no longer sober, and hadn’t been in quite a while.  The first thing he asked was, “Did you drink last night?”.  Its not like he didn't already know the answer to that question.  As soon as I said "yes", I saw the color leave his face.  It was like I punched him straight in the gut.  Worst feeling. I wasn’t mad at Abbey,  I just, I don’t know what I was feeling.  It’s really not fair of me to expect her to keep something like that in anyway.  Having said that, I didn’t really know what to say to my dad.  The only thing I could get out was “I’m quitting today.”  I think I repeated that a hundred times because those were the only words I could find.  We sat on my couch for a while, he kept telling me how much he loved me, and that he’s been worried about me.  I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I just felt awful.  I hate to see that.  I hate to feel like I have disappointed him, even though I know deep down he just loves me.  I had to be to a training for work a little while later, so after a few minutes, we hugged, and walked out to our cars together.  The whole way to work all I could think about was how bad I wished I could take back the last 6 months.  How bad I wished I could go back to the way I used to be.  It’s hard sometimes when you are feeling so low to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  You can’t imagine how you will ever pull yourself out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into. But, like I said in my last post, sometimes you will see a glimpse of hope through the hurt, you just have to keep looking. 

Just as I pulled into work I got a text from Abbey asking me if I would be willing to go see a therapist later that day.  She has a lot of great connections in her business, one of them being the top addiction, anxiety, and depression therapists in SLC.  Because I am Abbey’s sister, he told her he was willing to meet with me that day, free of charge, if I could make it.  Abbey begged and begged me to go. She told me he has a long waiting list, and is also quite expensive so this is something that I should take advantage of.  I told her I would think about it and went into my training.  The entire time I kept trying to think of every reason not to go.  My anxiety was so high, and going to an unfamiliar scared me to death.  All I wanted to do was go home after the training and blog my heart out.  As I sat there, I sent him a message asking how late he was willing to see me. He got back and said 8:30 and gave me the address to his office.  How nice of this man to take time away from his family to see little ol’ me, I still am amazed at the kindness in people.  There really is good in the world.  

 I got out of my training about 4:00.  I thought maybe I would go home and blog and see how I felt afterwards.  Maybe that would calm me down enough to where I could go.  In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t have even questioned my answer in the first place, I should have jumped at the chance.  I guess I am so used to being home in my own comfort zone that it’s the only way I know how to calm my anxiety.  When I finished blogging around 6:00, I sat there debating, thinking of all the reasons why I would feel so much better if I stayed home with Annie.  It was then I remembered something an old friend of mine told me before I moved to Montana.  She said the only way I am going to grow is to do something scary and uncomfortable.  Sometimes you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do, or are scared to do, simply because its what you are supposed to do.  It was then I sent him a text and said I would be there at 8:00.

When he walked in the office to see me I instantly felt peace.  Here I was, on day one of my sobriety, sitting on his couch with a box of Kleenex to my left, shaking so bad I could barely say hello, and he didn't care, he was there for me.  Just for me. It was his kindness alone that made me realize this man might be able to help me.  The first thing he asked was how I was doing.  Of course, whenever someone asks you that, and you aren’t ok, you always cry, so that’s exactly what I did.  I told him I was struggling, I told him I was on day one of my sobriety and that I wasn’t sure how I was even going to make it to midnight.  He then asked me a question that has since changed me.  He said, “Amelia, do you love being an alcoholic?”.  My first thought was, why would l love being an alcoholic?  Why would anyone love being an alcoholic?  It seemed like such a crazy question to me.  Was it a trick question? I didn’t really know what to think. I thought back on my sober days, and tried to think of a time when maybe I kind of loved being an alcoholic, but I just couldn’t think of a time when I ever felt that way.  I hated it actually.  In a few different words I basically said “no”, but I am sure he could see how confused I was by that question.  What he responded to me is the reason I was supposed to be in that office that night, and the reason why I believe I had the strength to get off of my couch and come to his.  He first asked me how long I had been sober before I relapsed, and congratulated me on a job well done.   He told me that although his previous question seemed a little bit strange, it was because of my answer that I decided to drink on April 5^th.  I still couldn’t think of any reason how this could be true, but by the time I walked out of his office that night, everything made perfect sense, just as I knew it would.  Everything made sense.  I am Amelia, and yes, I am an alcoholic.  I’m a damn good one actually.  I could tell you stories that would make you laugh, and would also make you cry.  If there is a bottle of alcohol in my house, I will drink the whole thing. I’ve always been this way.  I can’t stop and I will never be able to stop, this is what makes me an alcoholic.  But, what if all of that is perfectly ok? What if I loved myself even with my flaws?  What if I loved them so much that I was willing to take care of them, share them with others, and maybe even help a few along the way?  What if I realized my alcoholism is happening FOR me and not TO me?  What if it is saving me from something or someone down the road that is not good for me?  What if I accepted that I couldn’t be a normal drinker like everyone else and loved myself anyway? What if there actually is someone out there who will love everything about me, even my alcoholism, and would want to walk along this journey with me? It was then I realized, that maybe this flaw of mine, the one that I have hated for so long, is going to be the one thing that saves me in the end.  Maybe I did love being an alcoholic. I have written for so long about how much I hate being an alcoholic and how bad I could change and be normal.  The thing is though, we all have flaws, some people's are just a little different than others.  As hard as this is going to be, I am going to learn to love mine.  I am going to learn to be the best alcoholic there is out there.  I won't be perfect, but I think I'll start by giving myself a big hug every day instead of kicking my own ass.  I am perfect just the way I am, full of imperfections.

Anyway, thanks for reading this long post.  I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for Abbey.  I have a sister who’s intuition may have saved my life.  Thanks Abbey... Love you sis..

Back To Square One

10/15/2015, day 1.  As I sit here on my couch, it brings me back to 11/18/2013, the day I decided that my life was worth more than alcohol.  The day I surrendered.  I’ll never forget kneeling next to my bed that morning pleading with God to help me, begging whoever was out there and could hear me for help.  I had finally realized that I could not do it alone.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made to become sober, but I can tell you that I’ll never be the same because of that choice.  I met some of the most amazing people through recovery, and I gained a stronger relationship with God, and with each person in my family individually.  Waking up on 11/18/2014 was a feeling I’ll never forget.  I had completed one year of sobriety.  I did it.  I remember feeling like I had conquered the world, and that there was literally nothing I couldn’t do.  I felt peace.  I felt love.  I felt like I had finally become the Amelia I had always longed to be.  I was proud of that Amelia, and looked forward to waking up every day.  When I hit this milestone, my mom had a sobriety dinner for me at her house with all my siblings.  At that dinner, each person in my family gave me a letter they had written congratulating me and telling me things that I had finally started to believe about myself.  I was a warrior, I was strong.  I could do anything I set my mind to.  Today, I pulled out those letters and started to read.

From my mom... 

"Dear Amelia,

What a difference a year makes!  I am absolutely in awe of the changes you have made in your life and it goes without saying that there are no words to describe how very proud I am of you.  I feel like at this moment in time, is the person you are meant to be.  I know for a surety that Heavenly Father listens and answers prayer; that He is aware of each and every one of us, and that He has a plan for us.  Even though it was so hard for me to watch you go down such a self-destructive path, you would not be the amazing young woman you are right now if it weren't for the things that you have gone through the last 10 years.  I would not take that away from you for anything in the world.  You are the most incredible example to every one of us that anything is possible if you put your mind to it and surround yourself with people who love and support you.  I will be eternally grateful for the friends you have who decided to be there for you and help you in ways that maybe your family couldn't at times.  I am so grateful for your family members who I am sure literally carried you in those times that were most dark, even your cute nieces and nephews who love and adore you so much.  It has been such a privilege the last 30 years being your mom and to have a Heavenly Father that trusted me enough to see you through not only the hard times, but the joyful times as well.  Always remember how very much you are loved by me.  I want you to know that I will always be there for you.  There isn't anything that you could do that would diminish that love in anyway.  I want you to continue to live in a way that will inspire those around you to be better, just like you have been doing and to always be there for the people in your life that need help only you can give, just like you always do.  You are truly special and are a shining star.  You have a special way of making others feel so loved and I will always be grateful for the love and respect you show me.  I know that you are always there for me too!  I love you forever and always my baby you'll be! -Mom"

Today when I got out of bed,  I felt empty, I felt depleated.  But... as I read this letter, I could feel a little gleam of hope creep in. I caught myself smiling through the tears on my face.  The words from my mom have made me believe that maybe I have the strength to finally destroy what has destroyed me.  I can do this.  Somewhere in this broken soul I am going to find the strength to fight this beast one more time. 

They say that relapse can become your greatest asset in recovery.  I find that strange, since right now it feels like I have died.  I suppose that’s what it’s supposed to feel like though.  I think there has been a little part of me that has died, the part that keeps my smile bright and a sparkle in my eye.  The part that makes me feel like I can get up and dance and run and play.  The part that makes my skin and everything about my countenance glow. One thing I do know to be true is I have learned more about myself this time around than I did the first time.   I have learned that I am stronger than I think.  I have learned that even when I feel like I can’t get up and face the world, I actually can.  I have had many of those days the past few months and I have made it through.  I’ve stepped out of bed, sometimes with shaky legs, but I did it.  I got up and faced the day.  My mind keeps going back to the very first day I relapsed….Back in April. 

I think what happens sometimes when you get comfortable in sobriety is you feel like you can do it without working the program.  You often think, “I’ve got this! I’m good!”.  I think there is part truth to those statements, because, sure, you can stay sober.  You can do it, but you must not forget the one single thing that they teach you in recovery.  Keep working the steps.  Do the work every single day.  It’s hard work, but in the end, it’s the kind of work that will save your life.  After I hit my one year sobriety date is when I slowly stopped working the steps.  It didn't happen over night, but eventually I stopped going to meetings, and I kinda just started living my life as I did before.  I wasn’t drinking, but I also wasn’t an active participant in anything recovery.   I was finally happy in my life.  I felt on top of the world.  I had reached my goal weight of 125 pounds, and had recently been promoted to Supervisor at my job.  Things were going well and I was happy.  People told me on a daily basis that I glowed, and I thought I did too.  Somewhere along the road I started thinking that maybe I could drink.  I would lay in bed at night and wonder if I could have control since things were going so well in my life.  Maybe the reason I got so out of control before was because I was in such a bad place.  Maybe, just maybe, I could do it.  Maybe I can be like everybody else.  Now, as I sit here and write this blog, dried up tears on my face, weighing 153 pounds, and feeling as low as I did 3 years ago, I know that all of those things are false.  I can’t drink.  I am an alcoholic.  April 5^th, I relapsed.  April 5^th, I decided that my sobriety didn’t matter and I took that first drink.  I remember it burning as it went down my throat, and the drunk feeling that I had forgotten about, there it was.  I was drunk.  I had given in.  For a few weeks I felt like I had a little bit of control.  There were days that I didn’t want to drink, and when I did, I would only have one or two.  Slowly though, as the days went on, it got worse, just as I knew they would when I took that first drink.  I knew this would happen, but because of how my brain works, I was in denial.  I was lying to myself just as I had done before.  The last 6 months since I relapsed have had many ups and downs, and I've experienced things that took me to the edge.  There have been many times where I have found myself drunk at barely after the noon hour.  Many times where I wasn’t sure if I could even do this life anymore, and maybe I should just throw the towel in.  It’s so easy to let the alcohol take over and make you feel so low that you aren’t thinking rationally anymore.  So, just as I was pleading with God to help me 11/18/13, I found myself on my knees pleading again today.   I feel grateful for this second chance I've been given, and even more than that, I am grateful for the tiny glimpse of hope that I am feeling today.  In a letter from my dad, he wrote..

 "I love you Amelia Bedilia, my beautiful little brown eyed gidl that I love more than I can express.  What more can I say to you other than the fact that you and I have many more miles to go together on this journey before we sleep, and for this Dad that is my greatest joy to journey with you in this wonderful experience we call life." 

So, here I go, this journey continues...  10/15/2015, the second "first day" of my life.