Day 42, a whole new person.

Today at 5:00pm I am going to hit 1000 hours of sobriety.  I know, the numbers in this seem like a lot, but its the numbers some days that get you thru.  When you think that "tomorrow I will be at 1000 hours!" It gets you to the next day, the next milestone.  I've had a really awesome week this week with my sponsor Cindee. Like I mentioned before, we do FaceTime or Skype to do all of our reading together.  She has taught me so much about this book, and is one of the most spiritual people I know.

Most of you who know me know that I grew up in the LDS church.  By no means would I ever blame that for me being an alcoholic, I truly believe its the way I was born, but I think it's important for anyone who reads this to know my background.  I grew up in a very religious setting where God was talked about a lot.  It was a part of everything we did as a family.  The whole God thing was really implanted in me from the start.  I was taught some great things thru the church and always had values that I believed in. As in any religion though, you are taught exactly what God looks like, what you call him, and how to pray.  It's never really a choice.  My whole life when someone said God to me I saw the pictures that hung up on the wall of Him at church.  I think that's ok for a lot of people, but I am a very stubborn person and ALWAYS ask questions. I think after 21 years of many questions and not a whole lot of answers, I just got tired.  I wasn't sure.  I didn't know if I believed that the concept of God that I was taught, was really the one I believed in. I heard of all the other religions around and had many friends that were a part of them and wondered many times "Why isn't their God true?".  I felt that every religion taught that their concept was the correct one, and I got confused.  That's when I left religion all together.  I actually went as far as to get my name removed from the LDS church records.  When I took my name off the records I don't think it was about me or how I felt, I think it was me saying "in your face everyone, I'm out of here!"  Unfortunately, you are only hurting yourself with those types of feelings, not anyone else.   Over the last 8 years since I left the LDS church, I haven't really prayed much at all.  I have gone to a few non-denominational churches here and there, but the "religion" aspect has completely left, which I am still happy with.  It is hard to talk to people out here about how I feel because most of them are LDS so they don't understand where I am coming from.  They are still really into the church thing, so we don't see eye to eye.  I know where they are at, and I don't judge them at all.  Like I said, I used to be very bitter and mad at religion all together, but that has changed.  I have no more resentment of the LDS faith, and I respect anyone who has a belief.  I have learned thru reading the AA book that the whole recovery process is about finding your "God" or "Higher Power" and using that as defense toward that first drink.  They teach you in AA that having that specific defense is the ONLY way to not take that first drink.  That seemed so crazy to me.  I had no idea that was what AA was all about.  I got a little bit nervous at first because the thought came to me that I had to start believing in religion again, but that is so far from the case.  It teaches you to just believe that there is something out there that is greater than you.  Nothing else is required of you to start.  As long as you just believe that there is something out there GREATER than you, the rest will come in time.  You can start from scratch.  I love that concept because that is exactly what I need, a fresh start.  There is a quote in the book that sums up exactly how I feel.  I have tried to explain my feelings so many times on this but it has always been hard to get out.  Until I read this, this is verbatim what I have always tried to explain to people...

"Lack of power is our (alcoholics) dilemma.  We have to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how do we find this power?  Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.  That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral.  And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God.  Here difficulty arises with agnostics (me).  Many times we talk to a new man and watch his hope rise as we discuss his alcoholic problems and explain our fellowship.  But his face falls when we speak of spiritual matters, especially when we mention God, for we have re-opened a subject which our man thought he had neatly evaded or entirely ignored.  We know how he feels.  We have shared his honest doubt and prejudice.  Some of us have been violently anti-religious.  To others, the word "God" brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone had tried to impress them during childhood.  Perhaps we rejected this particular conception because it seemed inadequate.  With that rejection we imagined we had abandoned the God idea entirely.  We were bothered with the thought that faith and dependence upon a Power beyond ourselves was somewhat weak, even cowardly.  Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences.  Let us make haste to reassure you.  We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results.  Even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God.  Much to our relief we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God.  Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.  So we used our own conception, however limited that was."

OK, I know that is long, but I love that.  It doesn't tell you who He is or what He looks like. You get to figure that out for yourself.  In some cases thru recovery,  people do turn to religion.  They find that's what gives them the greatest connection to their conception of God, and I think that is great. Some don't, but everyone definitely has a spiritual awakening that is unlike anything they've ever felt, or so I've read.  This is so perfect for me because I have been craving some sort of spirituality in my life.  I have been closed off for so long, until now.  Getting rid of the alcohol has opened up the idea of God again in my heart.  I still don't want to be a member of a religion, but I am willing to start over and figure out what makes me happy and find out who that God is for me.  It's an exciting experience, and one that I definitely could not live without right now.

Part of this journey is being completely honest about things, even if it means making yourself uncomfortable or hurting someone else.  You have to be honest, there is no other choice.  Over the last 24 hours I have come across pictures of myself that I am actually astounded by.  I mean, I knew that I was overweight and had a huge beer gut, but I didn't know how bad it was until last night.  So, reader beware, I am going to share some photos here in a sec that I absolutely hate of myself.  The reason I am sharing these photos is to show people exactly what alcohol can do to you if you are an alcoholic.  If you have been my friend on Facebook you have seen my weight posts, ups and downs, relationships, etc.  I was telling a friend of mine this a few weeks ago, ALCOHOL was the catalyst for my weight problems, and as you've read in this blog, my relationship problems as well.  When I look back at pictures and even some of my Facebook posts from back then, I cringe.  I look at that person and I have no idea who she is.  I don't recognize her.  She was very very lost, and I will reassure you that it has nothing to do with leaving the church.  There are some that may be thinking "She is so lost because she left the church.  She must not be happy.  If she would come back to church everything would be fixed."  I can assure you friends, that is not the case.  There are many happy people that aren't a part of any religion, and leaving religion is not my reason for starting to drink.  My reason was just that I liked it.  I liked the way it tasted and made me feel.  I just happened to be born with a brain that doesn't have any control when I drink, and it led me into a really dark place.  Again, I will reassure you, that leaving the religion is not what got me lost, and to this day I don't like hearing that.  I know that I can be happy again just by going thru this process and finding out who I am.

In March of 2011 I went on a cruise to the Carribbean with some of Jason's work friends.  When I look back on the cruise, I remember it being fun, but I remember drunk fighting pretty much every night.  The drinking would start as soon as I got up and go til I went to bed.  Again, I would wake up in the morning and wonder what happened the night before.  I knew there was a fight, but didn't know what it was about.  I was so unhappy with myself.  I loved the person I was with with all my heart, but I did not love myself.  When Jason and I broke up a few months later and I moved home, I decided that I had to get myself back.  I was a whopping 210 pounds when I got to Utah.  I knew I had to lose weight.  Its been quite the process, but over the last two years I have lost about 70 pounds.  I still drank even thru my weight loss, but the food I was eating was very low calorie.  It was not a healthy way to lose.  I would calculate in my alcohol calories and cut out many meals to make sure that I did not go over.  There were some days where I didn't eat, just drank all my calories, and would wake up so sick the next day that I wanted to die.  I got down to 150 pounds.  Yes, I am proud of myself for my weight loss, but at the beginning it wasn't very healthy.  A couple months after I got down to 150 I kinda fell off the wagon again.  I found myself eating so bad and drinking so much that every day I felt fatter.  I was beginning to look like the girl again that I didn't know.  When I went to the doctor a few months ago I weighed in at 180.  I couldn't believe it.  I lost all this weight and now it was all coming back.  I was so angry at myself.  It has been since that doctor visit that I have quite drinking and started to let go of all the emotions I have held onto and harbored inside for so long.  Emotions that would not let the weight come off unless I starved myself or ate very little.  I have let go of all of it.  All the negative feelings I had about religion, relationships, just everything, are slowly leaving.  I have left a job that was very negative.  I truly believe that thru all these changes, the weight has just fallen off.  Last night I was just feeling lighter so  I weighed myself and it showed a number that I have not ever seen, 143.  Wow. I sat there and just stared. I will tell you right now that the mind is powerful and has a lot to do with weight loss.  Your mind keeps a lot of the weight on you.  I haven't worked out one time since I became sober.  Not once, but yet I have lost 27 pounds in just a couple of months.  I eat like a normal person.  I don't worry, and I definitely do not let emotions get me.  It's amazing what happens to you when you make a change.  So here are some of the pictures that I came across last night from our cruise. I decided after I weighed myself that I would dig up some old ones just to see for my own eyes how different I look.....what I saw made me want to throw up at first, but today I am just happy that I am where I am at today.  One thing I do know from looking at these pictures is I never want to visit that place again.

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March 2011

The first thing I noticed in these pictures is the drink I had in front of me. I was so drunk that trip I don't even remember taking these pictures.  That girl above, is not Amelia Daw.  Nope, not one bit.  I don't even recognize her.  The girl below is another person I feel like.  She is not the same.  I swear it feels like I have been reborn, what a great feeling.

December 2013

So there you have it.  A little more of my story in a nut shell.  All these stories that I share have brought me to where I am today.  We all have a story.  Next time you go to the grocery store or the mall, or wherever, smile at someone.  You never know what kind of battle they are fighting inside, and your smile might be what gets them thru.  

Here is to 42 days, 1000 hours, whatever you want to call it!  All I know is one thing that I call it is pure HAPPINESS!!!