Day 70. The reality.

Another 10 days down.  Today, day 70.  It seems like time goes by so slow, but then when I look back, I don't know where the past 70 days went.  It seems like yesterday was 11/18/13, my sobriety date.  What a surreal experience.  I know I say that in every blog, but I truly can't believe that I have made it this far.

When I first started this blog, well, this journey really, I told myself that I was going to be 100% honest.  SO again, this blog is going to be a super honest, get down to the nitty gritty shit type of blog.  They teach you in AA that honesty and willingness are key components to staying sober.  There are alcoholics out there that simply stop drinking, but don't get help.  In a way, they are just as bad as an alcoholic who is still drinking.  In AA they refer to those people as "dry drunks".  They've stopped, but they aren't getting any help to figure out the problem.  At some point in their lives, they will start again.  I am living proof of that.  I've tried to stop numerous times, but never got help, so of course I started again, each time worse than the last.  I mentioned a few blogs back that I am on step 4, which is creating an inventory of your life.  Digging through every last crevice and writing down resentments, pain, and disappointments.  Cindee has told me to search through pictures, Facebook albums, and also use prayer to help me get all this stuff out on paper.  I've been doing this now for a few weeks.  What a journey this step has been.  I now see through this step why it is so important to get a sponsor and work the steps.  I would be drinking again by now if it wasn't for the work I am doing.

My last blog was one sentence.  Friday night was a very difficult night for me.  I am not sure why, it just was.  Nothing really sparked it, no one did anything.  As I made my way through the night and stayed sober, I realized exactly what was happening, which I will explain.  Since day 1 of this journey, I have been waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  At first when you become sober, it is so new and a little bit exciting.  You meet new people, get a sponsor, and have so many things going on that you just don't really think about the days ahead and what may come up.  That has been my experience at least.  Although still difficult, I really haven't had that moment of severe weakness and loss of emotion.  I have kept myself together and haven't had any real loss of control, until Friday.  That was the closest I have been to drinking since day 1.  But why?  What caused it?  Why did I all of a sudden burst into tears while I was sitting on the couch brushing Annie?  There had to be a trigger there somewhere.  When I posted that blog, I got a call from Cindee about 3 minutes later.    She spoke to me and just listened to me cry.  I am sure that I was hard to understand, but having her there on the other line as someone who understands is the best comfort.  She said a lot of things to me that make sense.  Usually when I felt any sort of feelings, I would drink, especially if the feelings were not good ones.  Sadness, anger, resentment and not feeling good enough all lead me to the bottle.  For some reason something triggered me to feel that way.  It took a minute, but I figured it out.  Last week when I took Annie to the vet to get groomed and get her heart worm test, they found that she had lice.  When the vet told me I about died.  I think I said out loud to him "What the fuck?  How?"  I bathe Annie every week, brush her religiously, and do all of the things that I feel are taking care of her.  When he said that it freaked me out.  He told me that the only way for her to get it is through another dog.  I had no clue which dog she would get it from because I have never taken Annie to a dog park, kennel, etc.  No one in my family has dogs.  The only dog that Annie has been around in a year is my roommates.  After I left the vet I called my roommate and asked her to get her dog tested, which she said she would do.  That was Tuesday.  Friday night when I came home from work, she told me that her dog does not have lice.  I literally felt shocked.  I am still confused on how the hell Annie got it.  I am not a dirty person, so it is so weird to me.  The vet treated it and it is now gone, but in that moment I just felt so crappy.  Somehow, some way Annie got lice.  Although they only found a few, is still gets to me.  Instead of chalking it up as a freak accident and washing everything in sight, I held onto it.  I talked myself into thinking I was a horrible dog owner.  The kids in elementary school that got lice were always the "dirty" kids, so I talked myself into thinking that I was one of those "parents".  Although Annie is not a human I still thought of myself as that kind of parent.  After that conversation, we opened the gas bill and it was $175.  We have a 2 bedroom condo.  How the heck could the gas bill be that much?  I am the type of person who immediately feels the blame.  I don't know why.  Even if I haven't done anything, I feel that its my fault.  Maybe it was because I turned the heat to 71 a few nights last month.  Hm, whatever it was, it was my fault.  Instead of being like a normal person and trying to figure out why WE have such a high gas bill, I immediately blamed it on myself because thats just what I do.  I lost it.  Lost control.  I got in my car and was going to go to the liquor store and buy that bottle of vodka.  How dumb though?  Lice and a high gas bill?  How could something so small cause that?  After I spoke to Cindee, I looked at my list of resentments and realized it wasn't the gas bill.  It wasn't the lice.  It was years of shit that leads up to freaking out over little things like that.  The lice was just a symptom.  It was the trigger that brought up past emotions, and in turn led me to want to drink.  I didn't even know all this shit was inside me until now.

Last week when I was going through old pictures it brought up a lot.  I pulled out a dance picture from high school and just stared at it.  High school was a very rough time for me.  High school was the worst time in my life.  When I hear people talk about how much they loved high school, I cringe.  I just remember high school as a whole lot of hurt and not being accepted unless you weighed 95 pounds and had white blonde hair.  That was never me.  I have always been the one who was a little overweight.  I never went to one single dance in high school.  I went to a few girls choice, but I didn't go to one single guys choice dance.  I never kissed one person either.  I didn't go to prom because I wasn't asked.  I was always just the funny friend who made everyone laugh.  I remember wanting so bad to be a part of the popular crowd.  I would have my mom buy me the cool clothes and makeup, and I colored my hair (probably way too much) just so that I could somehow get a guy to like me and fit in.  It never happened.  I had my group of friends that I absolutely adored, but I still was sure that there must be something wrong with me because for some reason no one wanted to ask me to a dance.  Those of you who are reading this and know me real well, know that I had a crush in high school that I would have done basically anything for him to like me.  He was one of my best friends, to this day he still is.  I just loved this guy.  I know that I was just in high school, but at almost 30 years old I can look back and say that I loved him.  One of the dance pictures I found last week was of Sweetheats Dance in 10th grade where I asked him.  I remember wanting to look so pretty for that dance.  I tried to look pretty enough so that maybe he would like me.  My dad was very strict on what I wore, so the dress I found wasn't what I wanted, but I looked as good as I could have, considering.  For some reason this guy never liked me in that way.  I pawned away for him until I went to college, and still thought about him all the time.  Infact, I've thought about him off and on probably for the past 10 years.  When I went to college and still hadn't kissed one guy, I was floored when I met my fiance.  I couldn't believe he liked me.  WOW.  Ill never forget my first kiss with him.  It was a feeling I will never forget.  I finally felt accepted.  I felt loved.  When he proposed, I couldn't believe it!  I knew it must be too good to be true, and it was.  He left the day of the wedding.  For some reason he didn't want to marry me.  That feeling of not being accepted came back ten fold.  Is there something wrong with me?  Ill never forget what Bryce said to me the first time I saw him a few months after we were to get married. "Amelia, you depended way too much on me to be happy.  It felt like a lot at times.  I felt responsible for your happiness."  As I look back on that statement, he is exactly right.  I did do that.  I depended way too much on him to be happy, and over the years with the breakups and relationships I have been in, I have done that.  I have been super insecure.  Because of the feelings of loss and unacceptance I have felt in the past, I just feel like when I find something good, its just going to leave.  Thats what always happens.  Either that or I am not good enough to stay with.  The feelings of self pity are what brought me to drink.  Alcohol accepted me.  Alcohol would marry me if it was human.  Alcohol never left me.  Alcohol was my friend.  This is also why I cling to Annie for dear life.  I am so afraid of her leaving or getting sick or getting hit by a car that it overtakes me.  I can't breathe.  This is why I am so hard on myself and feel that everything is my fault.  This is why the gas bill and the lice set me over the top.  It had to be my fault.  It had to be.  I see that everything else that has ended or gone wrong has been because of a flaw in me.  It can't be in the other person or thing because its one after another. For my type of personality alcohol is the worst thing to feed your brain because only escalates the feelings of unacceptance and self pity.  Alcohol makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run.  The friend that you thought you had, is the one friend that destroys you more than any other thing on this earth and makes you feel lower than you've ever felt.  Thats why they say that when you finally surrender you are at rock bottom.  Thats where I was.

Yes, honesty.  That's what this is about.  These are my feelings, but its ok to feel them.  It's ok.  It's ok to NOT be ok some days and crawl in a hole.  Each day gets a little better than the day before, but sometimes bringing up the shit and working through it is the hardest thing to do.  You know why I hold on?  Because I know there are better days ahead, and I have been given promises.  I read this when I feel like drinking.

So there you go world.  Day 70.  It feels like a purge of negativity, and I am sure that it even feels like that reading it.  One day, this will all make sense and I will be able to help someone else through this journey.  I am feeling content today.  One day at a time.

Amelia

Day 68

Just praying that I make it to day 69.

Day 65

So, I'm going to start something new.  Every day I am going to write, and every day I am going to write what I am thankful for.  I think being grateful is one of the best things to help you stay sober.  Cindee sends me an email every day of things that she is grateful for, and she said that it has helped her so much over the years through recovery.  I think when you are looking for things to be grateful for, you appreciate life a whole lot more, and it helps you see the little things that you normally wouldn't notice.  So for today, January 21, 2014, this is what I am grateful for:

• Obviously, Annies kisses when my alarm goes off at 6:00am.
• My friend Crystal, and the fact that I get to celebrate her 47th birthday with her today.
• Black coffee
• Slipping into old jeans that I can finally fit in
• Melissa, what a beautiful soul.  We've had our ups and downs in our friendship, but most of that was caused from alcohol abuse.  I love this girl with all my heart and soul, and she has been my BFF for 8 years now.
• Dr. Moore, Annie's vet
• The man that called in today from Florida and asked me how my day was. 
• Chocolate
• 65 days of sobriety, the fact that I am alive
• Realizations
• Miracles

I am sure there will be many more things to be thankful for today as it is only 8:00pm, but that's a start. I am excited to do this, I think it will really help me appreciate life a little bit more, and also help me to see the little miracles that God puts into my life every day.  There are so many that I think we pass by every day.  I hope it helps you guys too. 

I don't know what it was about today, but I realized a lot about myself.  I think that as each day passes things are going to become so much clearer and I am going to begin to get to know myself a little bit more.  It really does feel like I am getting reacquainted with an old friend.  I am getting to know myself.  I have realized that I live in the past a LOT.  I am sure that has a lot to do with my excessive drinking.  I have a really hard time letting go.  I get attached to things really easy, and then when its time to say goodbye, I can't.  I spend hours thinking about the past wishing I could go back.  I have always known that I get attached to people, but I didn't realize how much I was stuck in the past until now.  I think once I learn how to let go, I will be able to fill the empty spots in my life that drinking filled for me.  I've realized that living in the past will wreck you, and it will wreck you hard.  I think I am scared to let go of the past because to me that represents goodbye.  I don't want to say goodbye.  Goodbye's scare me.  Losing people scares me.  I feel like I have lost so much in my life that when something good happens, its just going to go away.  I am constantly worried about Annie getting sick, Annie dying, my mom dying, my brother dying.  Some times it consumes my mind so much that I can't function.  I know I mentioned my mom breaking her leg in an earlier post, but that almost killed me.  I have never been so scared in my life.  I have never cried like that.  I talked myself into thinking she was going to die, and wouldn't leave her side for weeks.  I talked myself into thinking she was going to get a blood clot from the surgery and it was going to travel to her heart and kill her like you see in movies.  I called her every day to make sure she was taking her blood thinners.  It's a constant thing.  Isn't that horrible?  Instead of just enjoying the moment of today, I worry about losing people, the past, and having to say goodbye.  Drinking used to really help numb those feelings.  It was an escape, a way for my mind to stop.  I just wanted my mind to stop, and I wanted to escape all the feelings I had.  Now that I am sober, I am seeing exactly what I do, and I know that it isn't healthy.  The good news?  I have God on my side to help me.  I know that I can do it.  I know it.  I've been sober for 65 days, I can do anything. 

This is kind of a weird post, I know.  Just some thoughts today that I want to get out.  Writing helps.  Now, to have a sober celebration for Crystal's 47th birthday.  I love you all.

Seriously, how does she get so cute?  Just a question. :)

Day 63

What an eye opening week for me.  I hit my 3rd milestone on Thursday, day 60, and I have also been working on step 4. This step isn't the easiest one for me, but I have realized a lot about myself and what makes me tick.  Cindee has given me the assignment to write for one hour every day.  I am super ADD, so I thought that this was going to be a difficult one for me.  I have surprised myself because from the start I have been able to really focus on the reading and the writing.  Maybe its because reading and writing about your own behaviors can catch your attention, but whatever it is, it's a miracle.  The first writing assignment I have been given is to list people, places, things, that I feel have hurt me or that I am resentful toward.  At first I wondered why I was supposed to do that, I thought that maybe it would make me want to drink again, but it actually did the opposite.  Getting out all those feelings on paper has helped release so many emotions.  Cindee told me that it would bring up a lot.  She told me that I would be driving and all the sudden something may pop in my mind.  She was right.  Now, I don't want you to think that I am writing down everyone I hate.  Thats not it.  I am writing down things that I feel resentful toward.  Whether it be my math teacher in 11th grade because I didn't feel like she believed in me, or something more serious like my ex fiance who left me the night before the wedding.  It's amazing when you put all these things on paper you realize what you are still holding onto.  I just pray that in the future God can help me feel peace in my heart and be able to make right the many wrongs that I have done.  It all starts with being willing to believe that there is something out there greater than you that can help you overcome alcohol.  That is steps 1-3 in AA, which I have done.  I am willing.  I am open.  That is huge for me.  I haven't been willing to let any sort of God into my life for 8 years because of fear.  It's scary, especially when you have done the things I have. Being at the low I was in November though, I was willing to do ANYTHING to not feel the way I was, and I have realized that God is the only way to make that happen.  It's the little experiences every day that show you God is there, and He cares.

Today I went to the Alano Club in Murray for the 1:00 back to basics meeting.  I was up really late last night, so when I got out of bed around 11:00 today I wasn't the most excited to get ready and go..... but I had a feeling I needed to.  My dear friend Melissa decided to go with me, so I got ready and met her there.  What I really wanted to do today was watch Dexter and lounge.  In recovery, you can't always do what you want though.  Sometimes you have to do things that you don't necessarily want to.  I am so glad that I went to this meeting because I had an experience that changed me.  For the first 45 min we reviewed steps 4-9 and just read thru the book.  This meeting is normally pretty small, so everyone sits close together and it feels more intimate.  At the end of the meeting they opened it up to anyone who wanted to share something.  There was a man sitting directly across from me at the table that just looked anxious.  He didn't say much throughout the meeting, just sat and listened, but you could tell he was nervous and a little bit jittery.  When they asked if anyone wanted to share, he immediately spoke up.  He went on to say that today was his day 3.  He then said,  "I am afraid that what I have done I won't be able to repair.  I think that I have done so much damage that I am going to lose everything."  You could tell that he was doing everything he could to not cry thru those words.  Looking back at my day 3, I know that it took everything in his power to make it to that meeting today as a sober person, but the amazing thing is, he made it.  He came.  He came on one of the worst days.  I know where he is at. You feel like you would rather die, and you aren't sure if even a God can save you.  Making it to day 4 is a miracle at this point.  I have always been the type to want to take away people's pain.  I hate when people hurt, I think that is why I loved hospice.  I hate when animals are mistreated.  I feel bad when I see someone stub their toe.  When my mom broke her leg in September, I cried so bad for the pure fact that I HATED knowing the pain she felt.  I hate when people hurt, so when this man was talking, I wanted to get up and hug him and tell him that everything was going to be ok.  I wanted to tell him to keep going and not give up, and to just believe.  After he spoke, the guy next to me stood up and said that he was less than 24 hours sober.  I was honored to be in both of their presence.  If they could only see the impact they made on me today.  What I am sure is their lowest of lows, I envied them.  How amazing that they made it to that meeting.  I felt guilty for getting up on my 63rd day and not really wanting to go.  I will never have that attitude again. It took everything in me to make it to my car before I lost it.  I called my mom and told her that story and just cried.  This experience has been so amazing to me.  As hard as it is some days, the rewards definitely outweigh the pain.  It feels like the people in these meetings are family.  You have never met them, but it feels like you have all known each other your whole life.  There is a bond that is absolutely amazing.  There is nothing like it.  I may be an alcoholic, but I am so grateful for the trial I have been given simply because it has opened my eyes to so many amazing people.  We are all flawed, damaged people.  No one is perfect, but to me, there is nothing more inspiring than an alcoholic less than 24 hours sober that has the courage to come to a meeting and share his inner demons.  This is how I know that God is real, because you can't do that alone.  You may not realize at the time that it was God that helped you get out of bed and get to that meeting, but over time, you will.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have made it 63 days because of God.  I have tried to quit so many times.  SO MANY TIMES.  I couldn't do it.  I made it a few days here and there, but it's because of God that I have made it so far this time.  It takes surrendering to Him and letting it go.  God will carry the burden for you, you just gotta let Him.

So, I am Amelia.
I am indecisive

I am impatient
I am a free spirit
I cry every time I laugh
I love road trips
I HATE marinera sauce
I love old people
I love coffee
I have ADD
I love movies
I hate waking up in the morning
I love road trips
I am a runner
I don't wear perfume or smelly lotion
I am low maintenance, but I love make-up
I dip everything in ranch
I am scared to death of lightening
I have 6 piercings
I have a major chip weakness
I am passionate for animals
I am usually restless
I am argumentative
I can keep a secret
I hate shopping
Snoring is my worst pet peeve
I love gummy bears on vanilla ice cream
I have never slept without my fan
I am not very organized
I love the beach
I hate sleeping with people
I love crime shows
I still watch Full House regularly
I love horror movies
I am insecure
I am very layed back

My name is Amelia, and I am an alcoholic, and I'll take another 24. :)

Day 56

Those of you who know me know that Grey's Anatomy is my most favorite TV show in the WORLD.  In the worst times of my life, the one thing that could always cheer me up was putting in an episode of Grey's.  I own seasons 1-9 on DVD and have probably watched all of them 3 times.  After me and Jason broke up I refused to sleep in our bed.  It was so hard for me to sleep in a bed I had been sharing with someone for 5 years, I couldn't deal.  So, most nights I would either sleep on the love sac in the living room, or on the recliner.  Drinking a fifth of vodka, then passing out in the love sac, felt much better then the pain of waking up in our bed.  Every night I would fall asleep to a Grey's Anatomy episode.  It was the only thing that helped me deal even a little bit.  Weird huh?  I can't imagine what you must be thinking right now.  I know its a TV show, but to me, its become a little more than that.  With how much I love Grey's, I wasn't surprised that when I turned on the first episode of season 10 today, and the very first words were EXACTLY what I needed to hear....  

"We're all gonna die. We don't get much say on how or when, but we do get to decide how we are gonna live. So do it, decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? kinder? more compassionate? Decide. Breathe in...Breath out...and decide."

Amazing words if I have ever heard any, and just exactly what I have been needing to hear this week.  God is so awesome, it seems that He always knows exactly what you need to hear, even if it's thru a silly TV show.

Well, I can't believe it.  In a few short days I'll be at day 60.  The last 6 days since I last wrote have been ok.  I think I have just experienced so much change since August that sometimes it gets to me.  Sometimes I think that's why I've lost so much weight.  I started at Beehive Homes on August 1st, moved into a new place on August 17th, started a second job at Progressive on October 7th, started my sobriety on November 18th, left Beehive Homes on December 18th, and then started full time at Progressive Finance that very next day.  I know that change is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just want things to just stay the same for more then a few weeks.  Really, its been since July of 2011 that I feel things just keep changing for me.  Sometimes I just want to explode.  I promise I am not trying to play the "poor me" card, I think I just have a case of the negative Nellie's today, which is probably why I am watching some Grey's.

It seems like lately a lot of people been telling me to follow my gut.  Whether it be Steffanie, Cindee, Marie, or my mom, each one of those people have told me that over the last few days.  It seems like following your gut is the hardest thing to do, at least for me it is. Sometimes your gut tells you something that you don't necessarily want to hear.  Sometimes it prompts you to make a change that may not be the most comfortable thing to do.  I am definitely not perfect at following my gut, and I know that there are a couple of situations in my life at the moment that I need to do better, but its just so damn hard.  All I know is that I am only 29 years old, and I'll be damned if I am not happy and content the day I enter my 30's.  Not saying that I am not happy, but there are definitely some things that have been unsettled in me for a while that I need to get answers to.  That's why the quote I heard today on Grey's made me think.  Is this how I want to live my life?  Is this the best I can be?  I mean, I know that I want to live a sober life, but is where I am living today and what I am doing where I want to be when I turn 30?  That's the magical question.  If I wasn't so indecisive, a lot of things would have happened for me long before the age of 29.

For those of you who are my friend on Facebook, you probably have seen the numerous posts about me moving to Montana.  I think I have posted that status no less than 25 times.  Granted, most of those were drunk posts, but there was also partial truth in that.  One of the things that has been the most unsettling in my life has been the fact that I miss Montana so fucking bad that some days its all I think about.  My gut pulls me there.  I feel like my body is here, but my heart is there.  When I think of moving back to Billings I get so much peace inside.  Like I've said though, I am the most indecisive person in the world, and following your gut is so hard sometimes.  There are a lot of unknowns in making a decision like that, but lately with all the change that has been happening to me, I feel like maybe that's the answer.  Maybe I do move.  The problem is, I don't even know where to start.  I see people every day whether it be on Facebook or people I work with, and they make these kinds of decisions so easily it seems.  I have said I am going to move so many times that my family just laughs at me now.  They don't believe me, and I can see why.  I have a hardest time making the first step.  Some people can easily make decisions and feel good about it.  I wish I could do that.  Maybe it's because my faith isn't strong enough in myself, or maybe its the simple fact that I can't leave my mom, but whatever the case, I need to figure it out because the nudge I keep getting to move back to Montana is driving me absolutely fucking crazy!  I don't know who it is that is nudging me, but they are being very adamant about their point.  Sometimes I feel like all this change and unsettlement is telling me that this is the wrong place for me.  But where do I even begin?  I don't know how to start or what to do.  I feel like I am standing in a dark room at times staring at the wall screaming and asking for help or a hand to guide me there but no one can hear me.  I know God wants us to make our own decisions and will give us nudges, but I guess I am selfish and actually want Him to do it all.  Get me the job, the money, the house, and put me in my car and drive me there.  That's not how life is though, you have to figure things out for yourself and make it happen.  So, that's what I am doing right now.  Thinking of a game plan, figuring out what my gut is telling me and following my intuition.  I have to, otherwise I'll drive myself to drink again and that is the last thing I would ever want to do.  Sobriety forces you to make decisions, which is probably the best thing for indecisive personality.

Anyway, so enough of my ranting.  Such a weird post I know.  Its just my feelings are all over the board right now, as you can see.  Thanks for all your love, prayers, and support.  I couldn't be sober without my friends and family who are behind me.  I love you!!

Here is to almost 60 days!!!!  I can't wait to pick up another one of these babies.... :)

Day 50!

To start off, I just want to say Happy Birthday to my sponsor Cindee Rifkin.  Amazing woman she is.  I am such a lucky girl to have her in my life, helping me thru the steps.  I love you Cindee, and I can't wait to meet you in person one day.  Happy Birthday, although it's a day late :)

Before I say anything else, I have a warning.  Don't ever run in 25 degree weather with no gloves or something to cover your mouth.  I have never been so cold in my life as I was yesterday! I thought it would be a good idea to run 3 miles wearing a light jacket, capri spandex, and a long sleeve shirt.  I swear my insides were frozen until this morning.  Not to mention, the air quality sucks.  All around, it probably wasn't the smartest idea I've ever had, but at least I did it.  It helps that I think of someone when I run, otherwise I probably wouldn't have finished that run yesterday.  The person I thought of was Sunny.  I have never met her, but I know that she struggles, and I wanted to finish that run for her.  So, Sunny, that was for you girl!!!  I hope you felt my strength being passed to you :)

The last few days I've learned a lot of lessons. I have been told since the start that I will find out who my true friends are through this process, and who isn't. I didn't really believe that to be true until this weekend. I am so grateful for friends of mine who are real, who don't talk behind my back, and who just get it. I hate how sometimes you feel like you've found a best friend, then when you go through a big change you realize the friend you had was clearly just a surface friend, not a friend for life.  It's never fun, but such is life. Sometimes it takes these types of experiences to learn the greatest lessons. I also saw first hand just how glad I am that I don't party anymore. When you are the sober one looking at everyone else, it makes you wonder what you were like when you were drunk.  I'm sure I annoyed a lot of people.  I was always the life of the party, taking the most shots, dancing, and probably a lot of other things that I don't have any recollection of.  The night after a party I usually got a few texts from people telling me things I did that I didn't even know, or videos of myself doing stuff.  I am so glad I don't have the desire to be a part of that anymore.  I have felt so much peace come into my since I quit. It's like God is saying to me "Finally Amelia!! I've tried to tell you that peace does not come from inside the bottle!" I now know that Peace is something you have to find inside yourself.  I haven't found it all the way yet, but I'm on my way.  Right now, peace to me is simply waking up with a clear mind not having to check my phone or Facebook to see who I talked to or what I posted.  Peace is sleeping through the night and not throwing up every morning in the shower. That may sound weird to some of you, but for me right now that is peaceful.  I will never take waking up feeling good for granted ever again.  You shouldn't either. There are lots of people who wake up sick every morning just to start it all over that day.  Although it's still a struggle, every day gets a little better than the day before, and I will continue to pray for all the alcoholics out there who need it.

So, on Thursday I completed step 3.  What an amazing feeling.  Step 4 starts this week!  Through the process this is where I start really working, instead of just doing lots of reading with Cindee.  This is where I start taking a personal inventory of myself, who I've hurt, who I've resented, how my drinking has affected my relationships, etc.  It's scary thinking of what is going to come up, but it has to be done in order to heal.  There is a third step prayer that I have been saying every morning when I get up, and every night before I go to bed.  Cindee tells me to keep it with me wherever I go, so that's what I've done.  I take it everywhere.  It goes like this:  "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and The Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"  I love that :) it brings me peace. I know that the only way I am able to free myself from the bonds of alcohol is thru God. There is no other way.  I'm relearning how to rely on God again even though it's difficult.   I know it is only thru God that I am free. So, yay for step 4! Makin my way :)

50 days! I am so happy and it feels so surreal looking at that number. Somebody please pinch me! I can't believe I have made it 50 days! This is absolutely the most incredible experience in my life to date. I love waking up in the morning, I feel so excited for the day rather than feeling anxiety and guilt. Thank you God. Thank you. I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy: I love you.

So FREAKING cold!!!!!!! My mouth was frozen.

How does Annie sleep like this?? 

Day 46 and New Years

The two things that I held onto the most when I was drinking were running and my CNA work.  There are many things that alcohol does to your mind and body, but the one that affected me the most is depression.  Alcohol is naturally a depressant, so usually the day after a binger people find themselves down in the dumps.  Obviously since I was drinking extreme amounts of alcohol every night, I felt depressed every day.  Some days more than others, but I was always depressed or had very high anxiety.  On the days I was feeling the most depressed I always knew that I was a good runner, and that my patients loved me.  Especially working for hospice, there were lots of days that my patients and their families got me thru.  I would get so many gifts and cards from families telling me thank you for taking care of their loved one in such a difficult time.  They would say things to me that I couldn't believe.  The alcohol had taken over my brain so much that sometimes when I would read the cards I still didn't really believe it. I knew that I was technically good at my job, but I just didn't know why these people liked me so much.  Maybe it is because I didn't like myself.  I can't wait to thank my patients who have passed on for how much they helped me.  I truly believe that they did more for me than I did for them.

Running has been a passion of mine since I was 12 years old.  It kind of runs in my family, but one thing that I have always been able to say is that I am a good runner.  I can go months without working out and still go out and run a good 5 miles.  There is something about it that I just love.  I know that it is a gift from God that I am a good runner because most people absolutely despise running.  To me, there is no better feeling than crossing that finish line, or being able to complete a few miles that you have worked so hard on.  Even if I only ran 1 mile, it was being outside on days that I was so down that gave me a little bit of hope. I knew that at least I was good at something.  I may be an alcoholic, I may not be a good cook, I may not be the skinniest one on the block, but I knew that I was a good runner. Every time I have run over the past 6 years I have been hung over, so I kind of lost what it feels like to have a good, hydrated run.  Today, I decided to go out and run 3 miles to see how it felt.  This is my first run since I got sober.  My sponsor Cindee always tells me to just live in the moment.  Don't think about the days ahead, just live in the moment.  So that's what I did today.  I tried to soak up each step.  I didn't look at my time, I didn't think about how crappy my run would be because it had been so long, I just ran.  I looked at all the beautiful scenery.  I thought about the fact that my body is actually hydrated this time.  It felt amazing.  I have decided that I am going to do one race a month this year.  That is the only resolution I made, well, besides staying sober.  I don't care if it is a 5K, I am going to run a race every month.  In March I am going to do the same half marathon that I did last year, but this time I will be celebrating 150 days of sobriety.  What a bittersweet moment that will be for me.  So, here are some pics from my run today.  I don't really like posting running/workout updates on FB anymore or gym selfies, so I will be posting all that stuff here on my blog, since it is part of my recovery.

Yay, all done! 

Each time I run, I am going to run for someone else who is struggling.  Today, I ran for someone who is very dear to my heart.  So many people struggle with addiction, my hope is that maybe I can reach even one person thru my journey and be an inspiration for them :)

Ok, so on to this week.  First, let me just say that I am SO HAPPY that the holidays are over!  I can't believe I made it through all of them without one drink.  Lots of tears were shed, lots of moments I almost left my house to go to the liquore store, but I didn't.  I made it through the holidays as sober as they come.  I had to work on New Years Day, so my New Years was pretty mellow. I hung with a friend, watched the ball drop, made some yummy food, and went to bed.  I was in bed by 12:30.  I wasn't interested in being on the roads or seeing a bunch of drunk people.  Really, staying in and hanging with Annie was all I wanted to do.  Ealier in the night I ran to the gas station to grab an energy drink (Ok, that is another resolution, I have got to stop with the Monsters), and when I was in line to check out, there was a couple in front of me.  The girl was already pretty lit up, and they were clearly buying mixers for rum and coke.  Shockingly, I wasn't jealous.  I knew that they were going to wake up with a hangover and I wasn't.  I used to be those people, and I definitely don't miss it one bit.  I want to stay as far away from alcohol that is humanly possible.

Besides the obvious New Years hurdle that I had to face this week, I have had a lot of other emotions going through me.  At times I don't even realize it is the process that I am going through that is causing all of it.  I have been battling a certain situation in my life for quite a while.  It is a situation that at times gets the best of my emotions.  Yesterday it got particularly bad and I was up til 1:00am just crying in my bed.  I don't even know why.  Nothing even sparked it, I just cried.  Normally I would drink away these feelings, but last night I just couldn't hold it in.  When I got up this morning I felt a little better, but still decided to ask Cindee for some advice on what to do.  Like always, I felt better after talking to her.  She told me that it is normal for me to feel these things, and it is ok.  Again, she said to live in the moment, just breathe.  She told me to ask God for a sign of what to do, and be open enough to see it.  Thats what I will be doing this week, and when I get into the moments like I did last night I am just going to feel it and let it be what it is, and trust in God that everything is going to be ok.

Anyway all, Happy New Year.  I hope that you find peace and blessings throughout 2014.  I love you all so much, it is you pulls me to the next day!!  XOXOXO

OK, this is WAY off the subject.  But seriously, do any of you have a dog that snores like this?  Seriously.  Good thing I love her so much :)