Day 65

So, I'm going to start something new.  Every day I am going to write, and every day I am going to write what I am thankful for.  I think being grateful is one of the best things to help you stay sober.  Cindee sends me an email every day of things that she is grateful for, and she said that it has helped her so much over the years through recovery.  I think when you are looking for things to be grateful for, you appreciate life a whole lot more, and it helps you see the little things that you normally wouldn't notice.  So for today, January 21, 2014, this is what I am grateful for:

• Obviously, Annies kisses when my alarm goes off at 6:00am.
• My friend Crystal, and the fact that I get to celebrate her 47th birthday with her today.
• Black coffee
• Slipping into old jeans that I can finally fit in
• Melissa, what a beautiful soul.  We've had our ups and downs in our friendship, but most of that was caused from alcohol abuse.  I love this girl with all my heart and soul, and she has been my BFF for 8 years now.
• Dr. Moore, Annie's vet
• The man that called in today from Florida and asked me how my day was. 
• Chocolate
• 65 days of sobriety, the fact that I am alive
• Realizations
• Miracles

I am sure there will be many more things to be thankful for today as it is only 8:00pm, but that's a start. I am excited to do this, I think it will really help me appreciate life a little bit more, and also help me to see the little miracles that God puts into my life every day.  There are so many that I think we pass by every day.  I hope it helps you guys too. 

I don't know what it was about today, but I realized a lot about myself.  I think that as each day passes things are going to become so much clearer and I am going to begin to get to know myself a little bit more.  It really does feel like I am getting reacquainted with an old friend.  I am getting to know myself.  I have realized that I live in the past a LOT.  I am sure that has a lot to do with my excessive drinking.  I have a really hard time letting go.  I get attached to things really easy, and then when its time to say goodbye, I can't.  I spend hours thinking about the past wishing I could go back.  I have always known that I get attached to people, but I didn't realize how much I was stuck in the past until now.  I think once I learn how to let go, I will be able to fill the empty spots in my life that drinking filled for me.  I've realized that living in the past will wreck you, and it will wreck you hard.  I think I am scared to let go of the past because to me that represents goodbye.  I don't want to say goodbye.  Goodbye's scare me.  Losing people scares me.  I feel like I have lost so much in my life that when something good happens, its just going to go away.  I am constantly worried about Annie getting sick, Annie dying, my mom dying, my brother dying.  Some times it consumes my mind so much that I can't function.  I know I mentioned my mom breaking her leg in an earlier post, but that almost killed me.  I have never been so scared in my life.  I have never cried like that.  I talked myself into thinking she was going to die, and wouldn't leave her side for weeks.  I talked myself into thinking she was going to get a blood clot from the surgery and it was going to travel to her heart and kill her like you see in movies.  I called her every day to make sure she was taking her blood thinners.  It's a constant thing.  Isn't that horrible?  Instead of just enjoying the moment of today, I worry about losing people, the past, and having to say goodbye.  Drinking used to really help numb those feelings.  It was an escape, a way for my mind to stop.  I just wanted my mind to stop, and I wanted to escape all the feelings I had.  Now that I am sober, I am seeing exactly what I do, and I know that it isn't healthy.  The good news?  I have God on my side to help me.  I know that I can do it.  I know it.  I've been sober for 65 days, I can do anything. 

This is kind of a weird post, I know.  Just some thoughts today that I want to get out.  Writing helps.  Now, to have a sober celebration for Crystal's 47th birthday.  I love you all.

Seriously, how does she get so cute?  Just a question. :)