Last Memorial Day I remember very well. I drank more than
normal the night before because I knew that I only had to see 2 patients the
next morning. As usual, when I woke up, I was sicker than a dog and spent
a few extra minutes in the shower with my finger down my throat. I went
and saw my two patients, then got home to my mom watering the flowers outside.
Obviously since it was a holiday I was going to start drinking early, so
I already had my vodka upstairs in my backpack in my closet. Thats where
I always kept my bottles. I tried to keep them in a place where no one
would look. I remember going upstairs and immediately taking a big
swallow of vodka right out of the bottle. When you drink as much as I
did, it hits you pretty immediately, so I was wasted before I made it back down
the stairs to chat with my mom. It was 11am and I was feeling great, or
at the time I thought I was. My mom was always so cute and naive.
She probably said a few times a week, "What is that smell? Have
you been drinking?", but because I am an alcoholic, I was really good at
making up excuses. She never questioned. There were definitely a
few times where she looked at me funny, but I always had a way of making it
better. I am still angry at myself for a lot of the lies I told, and I
don't know when that anger will go away, but I have to assume that it does.
I remember that day only having 2 bottles of popov in my backpack, which
were the pint size. Each of those had 12 shots in them, and I could get
thru the first one pretty fast. Not having enough vodka always stressed
me out, especially on a holiday because the liquor store is closed. I
remember finishing the first bottle and telling myself that I wasn't going to
start the second one until later because I needed to have enough to finish out
the day. Ya, that didnt work. I had the second one finished by 5pm.
Two full bottles. 24 shots. Wow. It is shocking to me
writing down the amounts that I would drink. I honestly cant believe that
I didnt have serious liver problems. I am sure it wouldn't have been long
before those health problems would have started to show signs. I remember
when that second bottle was gone I was so upset because I didnt know what I was
going to do for the rest of the night. I mean, its a holiday! I had
to be drunk right? I think I text like 5 people to see if they had an
extra bottle I could buy off of them. None of them did. This meant
that I would sit up in my room for the rest of the night because I could not
socialize around family without drinking. I am sure I was already beyond
wasted with 24 shots in my system, but it didnt matter. Ugh. Still,
writing this out makes me so sick. I can't believe my mentality. I
wasted a lot of time up in my room drinking out of a bottle that wasn't giving
me anything that I was looking for. What I was looking for was downstairs
in the living room where my family was sitting, I just didn't know it at the
time.
As most of you have seen, I have a friend named Billy, who I met just under 2 years ago. We met each other at the most crazy time for the both of us. You know how it goes, you meet someone new, the sparks are flying, you aren't really thinking straight, and sometimes you jump in way too fast. That’s what happened. This is really weird for me because at the time I had a "fuck off" toward men stamped on my forehead I feel like. I was turned off by the whole notion of men because of my recent breal-up. Infact, the night I met Billy was because my friend Steffanie dragged me out of my house after not leaving for a few months. She told me that she had a friend who played in a band and she wanted me to come with her and husband to watch them. Well, the drummer of that band was Billy. And, as usual, I was drunk when I met him. A few weeks into mine and Billy's relationship we started dropping the "I love you's" on a regular basis. It was then that we realized how fast we were moving and decided that maybe we should slow it down a bit. I was still living at home, and obviously an actively drinking alcoholic, and he was going thru his own stuff, so pumping the breaks was a good thing for both of us at this point. He was not aware of my alcohol problem, I mean, he knew I drank quite a bit, but didn’t know the extent of it. He did mention a few times, "Why can't you just have a drink to relax? Why do you have to get drunk all the time?". I never had that answer for him, until now. The thing about Billy was he always made sure that I made it home ok. I always woke up the next morning in my own bed, and its because Billy put me there. My parents knew that if I was with Billy, I would make it home in one piece. Not just that, but I was guaranteed to have all my belongings too. A lot of times I don’t remember getting home, so it was so nice that I could know for a fact that I would be in one piece the next morning when I got up. Billy was just all around awesome. He was 12 years older than me, and we led very different lives, but for some reason we just clicked. Nothing about it made sense, but it was ok. Sometimes everything isn't supposed to make sense. When we decided to take a step back, things changed, but we still spoke all the time and even hung out. The "I love you's" went away, but somehow a really awesome friendship developed. That usually does not happen with break-ups, but it did with us. This is where I can look back now and know that God had a part in this. I can't explain it, but there was something different about Billy and I. I had such a wall up from my break up with Jason that I know I was having many ups and downs with my emotions and how I felt. Billy was also going through a lot himself, so he too was pretty up and down. We spent a lot of hours talking about our lives. There were nights that we stayed up til almost morning talking about things. Maybe that was the difference, we could connect on that level, who knows, but it worked. And the cool thing about our relationship was we were both ok with being "friends". I realized that he was way older than me, and that maybe I never even liked him in the first place. I put my "tough girl" hat back on and basically told everyone that he was just my friend, no feelings otherwise. The only problem with this type of relationship is that even though you have the understanding that you are just friends, it’s hard to go backwards. We still hung out all the time, and did all the things that couples do. We weren't together every single day, but a lot. Still though, I was ok with that. I only wanted to be friends. I didn’t care. There was that wall again, and this time it was thick. When I decided to become sober and wrote my first blog, it shocked him a little. I mean, he was around me the most over the past year, and he was not aware how much I was drinking. I wasn't sure how he would react, but was surprised with how accepting he was. Actually, I'm not surprised. That’s just the type of person he is, and I’ve realized he is exactly the person I have needed in my life. Let me put it this way. Billy has been my "person" over the last 2 years. Have you guys seen Grey’s Anatomy? Meredith and Christina are each others “person”. That’s exactly how I have felt for Billy. We had that short relationship at the beginning, but ever since we've somehow been able to go backwards in a good way. That is very rare that two people can do that, and I know that it is mainly because of him, not me. Through this sobriety journey he could have left numerous times. He has listened to me cry over Jason. He has been there for me in the night when I am a mess. He drops whatever he is doing and comes to be with me, even if it is just laying by me so I can sleep. There have been times when I have been so out of control screaming and yelling at him in a drunken stupor, but yet he still remains the same, he doesn’t go. Sometimes I have done things to see if maybe I will push him away, but it hasn't worked. He still stays. He helped me move, brought me over food, replaced my side mirror when it ripped off of my car, when I was drinking all the time he dealt with my ups and downs and even some vomit a few times. He rode his bike behind me when I was training for my half marathon last year, and even picked me up at 2am and drove me to it in Moab. He was even there when I finished with his camera. He knows what I usually want to eat for dinner. He usually knows why I'm bugged before I do. In some ways I feel like he knows me better than I do. He has been the one that has seen me at my absolute worst, and is seeing me come into my best. Truly, I have never met a person like him. Even still though, when people ask, I am very adamant that we are just friends. That’s what I have always said, and what I have came to believe, until my heart told me otherwise last Saturday. I had to work overtime that day, so I asked Billy if he would hang out with Annie for a while. He said yes, of course, and sent me pictures the whole time he was with her. I just smiled every time I got one. It was so nice of him to do that with all the overtime I have been working. I feel so guilty leaving Annie as it is, so it meant the world. When I pulled up to my apartment, I walked up the stairs and opened the door. There he was, lying on my couch, watching a movie with Annie. That’s when it happened. It was probably the strongest thing I have ever felt. In all the years I was with Jason, I don't think I have ever had a feeling this strong toward him. It was like something hit me over the head with a 2x4. Maybe it was me just being happy that he was there with Annie, I dunno, but something in my heart changed. It almost made me cry it was so strong. I realized, and I swear I almost said out loud, "I love you. Oh my goodness gracious I love you." I didn’t say it though. I held it in and just said hi and kept going on with the night like normal. The next week was the same. I thought maybe it would ware off, but it didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him or not because we have spoke many times that he is going to date other people and so am I. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him. After battling in my mind for a few days, I decided to just tell him. Oh well. I haven’t said those words in years and it scared the living snot out of me, but I knew that I had to be honest with myself. However vulnerable it makes me, or however many of the dating rules I was breaking by doing it, I didn’t care. This time the “I love you” meant a whole lot more than it did in the beginning because this time I was stone cold sober, and I was feeling this to the fullest extent that I could feel. When I told him it happened to be in a text, and we were sort of arguing at the time, mainly because I knew what I wanted to say but wasn’t saying it so then the argument started over something so dumb. Then I sent the text that just told him how I felt. It didn’t quite go the way I wanted it to, but that’s ok. At least I told him. The rest of that day I was a mess, infact, I have been a blubbering mess ever since. Its better now, but I’ve just been so emotional. I don’t know why really, maybe it’s because I am confronting things that I usually do drunk, who knows, but it’s a weird feeling. Things are still ok with him and I. I guess I will take him however I can get him. To me, I would rather have him in my life than not at all, and its awesome that we have built such a great friendship to fall back on. At least I know exactly the type of guy I want to marry. I want him to have every single quality that Billy has. Billy makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed. He is so sensitive and cuddly, but still a mans man and loves sports. He would do just about anything for me if I asked, and is always there at the drop of a hat. Not just that, but he is the one guy in my life that I can say has not left. How many people can you say that about these days? Even through the most ugly times, he didn’t go anywhere, and that is how I know that God was watching out for me when he gave Billy to me. Maybe in some ways he’s a real life angel, and we are just supposed to help each other. Whatever the reason, I am grateful every day to have him in my life. So that’s that. I’ve started dating and actually feeling quite good. Maybe the honesty helped me to be able to get myself out there, but I am feeling much more relief. Having said this, this quote I find to be perfect.
I start training for
my full marathon on June 2. I am so
excited this time around because I don’t have to plan my runs on when I am
going to be hung over. That was such a
drag. I could never do my long runs
because I was always super hung over on Saturday mornings. Now, I don’t have to worry about that. I can get up at any hour of the morning and
go for a run and feel great. My body is
so ready to do this race. It’s been a
goal of mine for so long I can’t wait to cross that finish line. Portland here I come!!!!
Everything else is
great. I absolutely love my job. They take such great care of their employees
and I have met so many awesome people.
Life is just good. I am so happy
living as a sober person, despite the hard moments. I am not jealous of other people when they go
out. I would rather stay in, have a cup
of coffee, and watch a movie with Annie.
It’s the simple things I enjoy now.
Thank you all so so much for reading my blog. I love you!
I love all my instagram friends. They inspire me from all over the world! What a great life this is. Here’s to day 189 sober.
My cute cousin Ryane. I love this girl.
My friend Rebekah came to visit me last week. One of the best nurses and people I know. She gives me so much hope and is so positive.
Love from SLC,
Amelia
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