Love Your Flaws

On Thursday I went and saw a therapist.  This was day one of my sobriety, so because of that I had the worst anxiety.  Alcohol tends to make me really shaky, so usually when I have been drinking a lot I shake, which makes my anxiety ten times worse.  I almost didn’t go because of this, but given the situation I felt like I should, and I am so glad I did. 

I have been seeing the same therapist off and on since my wedding was called off 11 years ago, and although he’s great, I need someone who is an expert on addiction, anxiety, and depression.  The day before I quite drinking, I had been drinking a lot.  I made some pretty poor choices that day too, so by the time I went to bed I was feeling pretty lousy.  My family had been under the impression that I hadn’t had a drink since mid-August, and because of that, I didn’t come around very often. I called and text most of them every day, but that’s about it.  As I was lying in bed that night, I heard my text go off.  Because it was nearly midnight, and my phone was too far out of reach, I decided to check it in the morning.  It took me a while to fall asleep that night.  I had such bad anxiety, and although I had tons of alcohol in my system, my mind just wouldn’t stop.  I think I finally fell asleep around 2am.  When I got up around 8:30 to take the dogs out, I checked my phone to see who had text me the night before.  The text was from my sister Abbey, and it read, “You aren’t drinking anymore right?  Still sober?  Just thinking of you.”  When I read that, I kinda just stared at it and wondered if I should just lie and say I am sober, or if I should just tell her.  I didn't want to, but I had the urge to be honest.  It was like someone was saying out loud to me, “Amelia, tell the truth.  Please be honest.  Be who you want to be.”  So, I did.  I wrote her back and told her that I had been drinking, but that I was going to be sober from that day forward, well, was going to at least try and make it through the day.  Sometimes I think of days and weeks ahead, when I really just need to remember that all we have is today.  When I wrote that text back letting her know I had been drinking, it was almost like a weight came off my shoulders.  Abbey is one of the most non-judgemental people I know, so when I told her I knew her response would be nothing short of love and support, which it was.  She went on to tell me that she had been thinking of me lately and had a strong intuition to text me.  I told Abbey to please not mention anything to my parents.  I felt like I just wanted to work through this and get a few weeks in before I talk to them about it.  It wasn't because I didn’t want them to know, but on that day I knew my mom was at work, and I knew she wouldn't be able to work if she knew.  After we talked, I figured that would be the end of it and started my day.  It was about an hour later that I get a knock at my door. When I opened it and saw my dad on the other side I about went through the floor. He has been to my apartment maybe three times since I moved in a year and a half ago.  I knew why he was there though, he didn't even need to tell me.  He had just found out that I was no longer sober, and hadn’t been in quite a while.  The first thing he asked was, “Did you drink last night?”.  Its not like he didn't already know the answer to that question.  As soon as I said "yes", I saw the color leave his face.  It was like I punched him straight in the gut.  Worst feeling. I wasn’t mad at Abbey,  I just, I don’t know what I was feeling.  It’s really not fair of me to expect her to keep something like that in anyway.  Having said that, I didn’t really know what to say to my dad.  The only thing I could get out was “I’m quitting today.”  I think I repeated that a hundred times because those were the only words I could find.  We sat on my couch for a while, he kept telling me how much he loved me, and that he’s been worried about me.  I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I just felt awful.  I hate to see that.  I hate to feel like I have disappointed him, even though I know deep down he just loves me.  I had to be to a training for work a little while later, so after a few minutes, we hugged, and walked out to our cars together.  The whole way to work all I could think about was how bad I wished I could take back the last 6 months.  How bad I wished I could go back to the way I used to be.  It’s hard sometimes when you are feeling so low to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  You can’t imagine how you will ever pull yourself out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into. But, like I said in my last post, sometimes you will see a glimpse of hope through the hurt, you just have to keep looking. 

Just as I pulled into work I got a text from Abbey asking me if I would be willing to go see a therapist later that day.  She has a lot of great connections in her business, one of them being the top addiction, anxiety, and depression therapists in SLC.  Because I am Abbey’s sister, he told her he was willing to meet with me that day, free of charge, if I could make it.  Abbey begged and begged me to go. She told me he has a long waiting list, and is also quite expensive so this is something that I should take advantage of.  I told her I would think about it and went into my training.  The entire time I kept trying to think of every reason not to go.  My anxiety was so high, and going to an unfamiliar scared me to death.  All I wanted to do was go home after the training and blog my heart out.  As I sat there, I sent him a message asking how late he was willing to see me. He got back and said 8:30 and gave me the address to his office.  How nice of this man to take time away from his family to see little ol’ me, I still am amazed at the kindness in people.  There really is good in the world.  

 I got out of my training about 4:00.  I thought maybe I would go home and blog and see how I felt afterwards.  Maybe that would calm me down enough to where I could go.  In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t have even questioned my answer in the first place, I should have jumped at the chance.  I guess I am so used to being home in my own comfort zone that it’s the only way I know how to calm my anxiety.  When I finished blogging around 6:00, I sat there debating, thinking of all the reasons why I would feel so much better if I stayed home with Annie.  It was then I remembered something an old friend of mine told me before I moved to Montana.  She said the only way I am going to grow is to do something scary and uncomfortable.  Sometimes you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do, or are scared to do, simply because its what you are supposed to do.  It was then I sent him a text and said I would be there at 8:00.

When he walked in the office to see me I instantly felt peace.  Here I was, on day one of my sobriety, sitting on his couch with a box of Kleenex to my left, shaking so bad I could barely say hello, and he didn't care, he was there for me.  Just for me. It was his kindness alone that made me realize this man might be able to help me.  The first thing he asked was how I was doing.  Of course, whenever someone asks you that, and you aren’t ok, you always cry, so that’s exactly what I did.  I told him I was struggling, I told him I was on day one of my sobriety and that I wasn’t sure how I was even going to make it to midnight.  He then asked me a question that has since changed me.  He said, “Amelia, do you love being an alcoholic?”.  My first thought was, why would l love being an alcoholic?  Why would anyone love being an alcoholic?  It seemed like such a crazy question to me.  Was it a trick question? I didn’t really know what to think. I thought back on my sober days, and tried to think of a time when maybe I kind of loved being an alcoholic, but I just couldn’t think of a time when I ever felt that way.  I hated it actually.  In a few different words I basically said “no”, but I am sure he could see how confused I was by that question.  What he responded to me is the reason I was supposed to be in that office that night, and the reason why I believe I had the strength to get off of my couch and come to his.  He first asked me how long I had been sober before I relapsed, and congratulated me on a job well done.   He told me that although his previous question seemed a little bit strange, it was because of my answer that I decided to drink on April 5^th.  I still couldn’t think of any reason how this could be true, but by the time I walked out of his office that night, everything made perfect sense, just as I knew it would.  Everything made sense.  I am Amelia, and yes, I am an alcoholic.  I’m a damn good one actually.  I could tell you stories that would make you laugh, and would also make you cry.  If there is a bottle of alcohol in my house, I will drink the whole thing. I’ve always been this way.  I can’t stop and I will never be able to stop, this is what makes me an alcoholic.  But, what if all of that is perfectly ok? What if I loved myself even with my flaws?  What if I loved them so much that I was willing to take care of them, share them with others, and maybe even help a few along the way?  What if I realized my alcoholism is happening FOR me and not TO me?  What if it is saving me from something or someone down the road that is not good for me?  What if I accepted that I couldn’t be a normal drinker like everyone else and loved myself anyway? What if there actually is someone out there who will love everything about me, even my alcoholism, and would want to walk along this journey with me? It was then I realized, that maybe this flaw of mine, the one that I have hated for so long, is going to be the one thing that saves me in the end.  Maybe I did love being an alcoholic. I have written for so long about how much I hate being an alcoholic and how bad I could change and be normal.  The thing is though, we all have flaws, some people's are just a little different than others.  As hard as this is going to be, I am going to learn to love mine.  I am going to learn to be the best alcoholic there is out there.  I won't be perfect, but I think I'll start by giving myself a big hug every day instead of kicking my own ass.  I am perfect just the way I am, full of imperfections.

Anyway, thanks for reading this long post.  I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for Abbey.  I have a sister who’s intuition may have saved my life.  Thanks Abbey... Love you sis..