Love Your Flaws

On Thursday I went and saw a therapist.  This was day one of my sobriety, so because of that I had the worst anxiety.  Alcohol tends to make me really shaky, so usually when I have been drinking a lot I shake, which makes my anxiety ten times worse.  I almost didn’t go because of this, but given the situation I felt like I should, and I am so glad I did. 

I have been seeing the same therapist off and on since my wedding was called off 11 years ago, and although he’s great, I need someone who is an expert on addiction, anxiety, and depression.  The day before I quite drinking, I had been drinking a lot.  I made some pretty poor choices that day too, so by the time I went to bed I was feeling pretty lousy.  My family had been under the impression that I hadn’t had a drink since mid-August, and because of that, I didn’t come around very often. I called and text most of them every day, but that’s about it.  As I was lying in bed that night, I heard my text go off.  Because it was nearly midnight, and my phone was too far out of reach, I decided to check it in the morning.  It took me a while to fall asleep that night.  I had such bad anxiety, and although I had tons of alcohol in my system, my mind just wouldn’t stop.  I think I finally fell asleep around 2am.  When I got up around 8:30 to take the dogs out, I checked my phone to see who had text me the night before.  The text was from my sister Abbey, and it read, “You aren’t drinking anymore right?  Still sober?  Just thinking of you.”  When I read that, I kinda just stared at it and wondered if I should just lie and say I am sober, or if I should just tell her.  I didn't want to, but I had the urge to be honest.  It was like someone was saying out loud to me, “Amelia, tell the truth.  Please be honest.  Be who you want to be.”  So, I did.  I wrote her back and told her that I had been drinking, but that I was going to be sober from that day forward, well, was going to at least try and make it through the day.  Sometimes I think of days and weeks ahead, when I really just need to remember that all we have is today.  When I wrote that text back letting her know I had been drinking, it was almost like a weight came off my shoulders.  Abbey is one of the most non-judgemental people I know, so when I told her I knew her response would be nothing short of love and support, which it was.  She went on to tell me that she had been thinking of me lately and had a strong intuition to text me.  I told Abbey to please not mention anything to my parents.  I felt like I just wanted to work through this and get a few weeks in before I talk to them about it.  It wasn't because I didn’t want them to know, but on that day I knew my mom was at work, and I knew she wouldn't be able to work if she knew.  After we talked, I figured that would be the end of it and started my day.  It was about an hour later that I get a knock at my door. When I opened it and saw my dad on the other side I about went through the floor. He has been to my apartment maybe three times since I moved in a year and a half ago.  I knew why he was there though, he didn't even need to tell me.  He had just found out that I was no longer sober, and hadn’t been in quite a while.  The first thing he asked was, “Did you drink last night?”.  Its not like he didn't already know the answer to that question.  As soon as I said "yes", I saw the color leave his face.  It was like I punched him straight in the gut.  Worst feeling. I wasn’t mad at Abbey,  I just, I don’t know what I was feeling.  It’s really not fair of me to expect her to keep something like that in anyway.  Having said that, I didn’t really know what to say to my dad.  The only thing I could get out was “I’m quitting today.”  I think I repeated that a hundred times because those were the only words I could find.  We sat on my couch for a while, he kept telling me how much he loved me, and that he’s been worried about me.  I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I just felt awful.  I hate to see that.  I hate to feel like I have disappointed him, even though I know deep down he just loves me.  I had to be to a training for work a little while later, so after a few minutes, we hugged, and walked out to our cars together.  The whole way to work all I could think about was how bad I wished I could take back the last 6 months.  How bad I wished I could go back to the way I used to be.  It’s hard sometimes when you are feeling so low to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  You can’t imagine how you will ever pull yourself out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into. But, like I said in my last post, sometimes you will see a glimpse of hope through the hurt, you just have to keep looking. 

Just as I pulled into work I got a text from Abbey asking me if I would be willing to go see a therapist later that day.  She has a lot of great connections in her business, one of them being the top addiction, anxiety, and depression therapists in SLC.  Because I am Abbey’s sister, he told her he was willing to meet with me that day, free of charge, if I could make it.  Abbey begged and begged me to go. She told me he has a long waiting list, and is also quite expensive so this is something that I should take advantage of.  I told her I would think about it and went into my training.  The entire time I kept trying to think of every reason not to go.  My anxiety was so high, and going to an unfamiliar scared me to death.  All I wanted to do was go home after the training and blog my heart out.  As I sat there, I sent him a message asking how late he was willing to see me. He got back and said 8:30 and gave me the address to his office.  How nice of this man to take time away from his family to see little ol’ me, I still am amazed at the kindness in people.  There really is good in the world.  

 I got out of my training about 4:00.  I thought maybe I would go home and blog and see how I felt afterwards.  Maybe that would calm me down enough to where I could go.  In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t have even questioned my answer in the first place, I should have jumped at the chance.  I guess I am so used to being home in my own comfort zone that it’s the only way I know how to calm my anxiety.  When I finished blogging around 6:00, I sat there debating, thinking of all the reasons why I would feel so much better if I stayed home with Annie.  It was then I remembered something an old friend of mine told me before I moved to Montana.  She said the only way I am going to grow is to do something scary and uncomfortable.  Sometimes you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do, or are scared to do, simply because its what you are supposed to do.  It was then I sent him a text and said I would be there at 8:00.

When he walked in the office to see me I instantly felt peace.  Here I was, on day one of my sobriety, sitting on his couch with a box of Kleenex to my left, shaking so bad I could barely say hello, and he didn't care, he was there for me.  Just for me. It was his kindness alone that made me realize this man might be able to help me.  The first thing he asked was how I was doing.  Of course, whenever someone asks you that, and you aren’t ok, you always cry, so that’s exactly what I did.  I told him I was struggling, I told him I was on day one of my sobriety and that I wasn’t sure how I was even going to make it to midnight.  He then asked me a question that has since changed me.  He said, “Amelia, do you love being an alcoholic?”.  My first thought was, why would l love being an alcoholic?  Why would anyone love being an alcoholic?  It seemed like such a crazy question to me.  Was it a trick question? I didn’t really know what to think. I thought back on my sober days, and tried to think of a time when maybe I kind of loved being an alcoholic, but I just couldn’t think of a time when I ever felt that way.  I hated it actually.  In a few different words I basically said “no”, but I am sure he could see how confused I was by that question.  What he responded to me is the reason I was supposed to be in that office that night, and the reason why I believe I had the strength to get off of my couch and come to his.  He first asked me how long I had been sober before I relapsed, and congratulated me on a job well done.   He told me that although his previous question seemed a little bit strange, it was because of my answer that I decided to drink on April 5^th.  I still couldn’t think of any reason how this could be true, but by the time I walked out of his office that night, everything made perfect sense, just as I knew it would.  Everything made sense.  I am Amelia, and yes, I am an alcoholic.  I’m a damn good one actually.  I could tell you stories that would make you laugh, and would also make you cry.  If there is a bottle of alcohol in my house, I will drink the whole thing. I’ve always been this way.  I can’t stop and I will never be able to stop, this is what makes me an alcoholic.  But, what if all of that is perfectly ok? What if I loved myself even with my flaws?  What if I loved them so much that I was willing to take care of them, share them with others, and maybe even help a few along the way?  What if I realized my alcoholism is happening FOR me and not TO me?  What if it is saving me from something or someone down the road that is not good for me?  What if I accepted that I couldn’t be a normal drinker like everyone else and loved myself anyway? What if there actually is someone out there who will love everything about me, even my alcoholism, and would want to walk along this journey with me? It was then I realized, that maybe this flaw of mine, the one that I have hated for so long, is going to be the one thing that saves me in the end.  Maybe I did love being an alcoholic. I have written for so long about how much I hate being an alcoholic and how bad I could change and be normal.  The thing is though, we all have flaws, some people's are just a little different than others.  As hard as this is going to be, I am going to learn to love mine.  I am going to learn to be the best alcoholic there is out there.  I won't be perfect, but I think I'll start by giving myself a big hug every day instead of kicking my own ass.  I am perfect just the way I am, full of imperfections.

Anyway, thanks for reading this long post.  I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for Abbey.  I have a sister who’s intuition may have saved my life.  Thanks Abbey... Love you sis..

Back To Square One

10/15/2015, day 1.  As I sit here on my couch, it brings me back to 11/18/2013, the day I decided that my life was worth more than alcohol.  The day I surrendered.  I’ll never forget kneeling next to my bed that morning pleading with God to help me, begging whoever was out there and could hear me for help.  I had finally realized that I could not do it alone.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made to become sober, but I can tell you that I’ll never be the same because of that choice.  I met some of the most amazing people through recovery, and I gained a stronger relationship with God, and with each person in my family individually.  Waking up on 11/18/2014 was a feeling I’ll never forget.  I had completed one year of sobriety.  I did it.  I remember feeling like I had conquered the world, and that there was literally nothing I couldn’t do.  I felt peace.  I felt love.  I felt like I had finally become the Amelia I had always longed to be.  I was proud of that Amelia, and looked forward to waking up every day.  When I hit this milestone, my mom had a sobriety dinner for me at her house with all my siblings.  At that dinner, each person in my family gave me a letter they had written congratulating me and telling me things that I had finally started to believe about myself.  I was a warrior, I was strong.  I could do anything I set my mind to.  Today, I pulled out those letters and started to read.

From my mom... 

"Dear Amelia,

What a difference a year makes!  I am absolutely in awe of the changes you have made in your life and it goes without saying that there are no words to describe how very proud I am of you.  I feel like at this moment in time, is the person you are meant to be.  I know for a surety that Heavenly Father listens and answers prayer; that He is aware of each and every one of us, and that He has a plan for us.  Even though it was so hard for me to watch you go down such a self-destructive path, you would not be the amazing young woman you are right now if it weren't for the things that you have gone through the last 10 years.  I would not take that away from you for anything in the world.  You are the most incredible example to every one of us that anything is possible if you put your mind to it and surround yourself with people who love and support you.  I will be eternally grateful for the friends you have who decided to be there for you and help you in ways that maybe your family couldn't at times.  I am so grateful for your family members who I am sure literally carried you in those times that were most dark, even your cute nieces and nephews who love and adore you so much.  It has been such a privilege the last 30 years being your mom and to have a Heavenly Father that trusted me enough to see you through not only the hard times, but the joyful times as well.  Always remember how very much you are loved by me.  I want you to know that I will always be there for you.  There isn't anything that you could do that would diminish that love in anyway.  I want you to continue to live in a way that will inspire those around you to be better, just like you have been doing and to always be there for the people in your life that need help only you can give, just like you always do.  You are truly special and are a shining star.  You have a special way of making others feel so loved and I will always be grateful for the love and respect you show me.  I know that you are always there for me too!  I love you forever and always my baby you'll be! -Mom"

Today when I got out of bed,  I felt empty, I felt depleated.  But... as I read this letter, I could feel a little gleam of hope creep in. I caught myself smiling through the tears on my face.  The words from my mom have made me believe that maybe I have the strength to finally destroy what has destroyed me.  I can do this.  Somewhere in this broken soul I am going to find the strength to fight this beast one more time. 

They say that relapse can become your greatest asset in recovery.  I find that strange, since right now it feels like I have died.  I suppose that’s what it’s supposed to feel like though.  I think there has been a little part of me that has died, the part that keeps my smile bright and a sparkle in my eye.  The part that makes me feel like I can get up and dance and run and play.  The part that makes my skin and everything about my countenance glow. One thing I do know to be true is I have learned more about myself this time around than I did the first time.   I have learned that I am stronger than I think.  I have learned that even when I feel like I can’t get up and face the world, I actually can.  I have had many of those days the past few months and I have made it through.  I’ve stepped out of bed, sometimes with shaky legs, but I did it.  I got up and faced the day.  My mind keeps going back to the very first day I relapsed….Back in April. 

I think what happens sometimes when you get comfortable in sobriety is you feel like you can do it without working the program.  You often think, “I’ve got this! I’m good!”.  I think there is part truth to those statements, because, sure, you can stay sober.  You can do it, but you must not forget the one single thing that they teach you in recovery.  Keep working the steps.  Do the work every single day.  It’s hard work, but in the end, it’s the kind of work that will save your life.  After I hit my one year sobriety date is when I slowly stopped working the steps.  It didn't happen over night, but eventually I stopped going to meetings, and I kinda just started living my life as I did before.  I wasn’t drinking, but I also wasn’t an active participant in anything recovery.   I was finally happy in my life.  I felt on top of the world.  I had reached my goal weight of 125 pounds, and had recently been promoted to Supervisor at my job.  Things were going well and I was happy.  People told me on a daily basis that I glowed, and I thought I did too.  Somewhere along the road I started thinking that maybe I could drink.  I would lay in bed at night and wonder if I could have control since things were going so well in my life.  Maybe the reason I got so out of control before was because I was in such a bad place.  Maybe, just maybe, I could do it.  Maybe I can be like everybody else.  Now, as I sit here and write this blog, dried up tears on my face, weighing 153 pounds, and feeling as low as I did 3 years ago, I know that all of those things are false.  I can’t drink.  I am an alcoholic.  April 5^th, I relapsed.  April 5^th, I decided that my sobriety didn’t matter and I took that first drink.  I remember it burning as it went down my throat, and the drunk feeling that I had forgotten about, there it was.  I was drunk.  I had given in.  For a few weeks I felt like I had a little bit of control.  There were days that I didn’t want to drink, and when I did, I would only have one or two.  Slowly though, as the days went on, it got worse, just as I knew they would when I took that first drink.  I knew this would happen, but because of how my brain works, I was in denial.  I was lying to myself just as I had done before.  The last 6 months since I relapsed have had many ups and downs, and I've experienced things that took me to the edge.  There have been many times where I have found myself drunk at barely after the noon hour.  Many times where I wasn’t sure if I could even do this life anymore, and maybe I should just throw the towel in.  It’s so easy to let the alcohol take over and make you feel so low that you aren’t thinking rationally anymore.  So, just as I was pleading with God to help me 11/18/13, I found myself on my knees pleading again today.   I feel grateful for this second chance I've been given, and even more than that, I am grateful for the tiny glimpse of hope that I am feeling today.  In a letter from my dad, he wrote..

 "I love you Amelia Bedilia, my beautiful little brown eyed gidl that I love more than I can express.  What more can I say to you other than the fact that you and I have many more miles to go together on this journey before we sleep, and for this Dad that is my greatest joy to journey with you in this wonderful experience we call life." 

So, here I go, this journey continues...  10/15/2015, the second "first day" of my life. 

I Can Do Hard Things

Before I made the decisionto become sober, I was extremely afraid mostly because I had convinced myself over the years that I couldn't do hard things.  Whether it be losing weight, school, relationships, or becoming sober, I had talked myself into thinking that I would fail because thats what the past had proven.  When I hit rock bottom in November of 2013, I decided that having a pity party wasn't going to help, and I had to change my way of thinking if I was going to get anywhere.  Not only that, but I had to be honest to myself, my loved ones, and be open to the fact that something out there could help me quit drinking.  It was clear that I could not do it alone.  Alcohol had completely taken over, and although I was good at hiding it on the outside, I was screaming on the inside.

From my very first drink on my 21st birthday I was hooked.  At the time, obviously, I didn't know this, but as I look back, I see it very clear.  From the moment I woke up I was excited about the drink I was going to have that day.  At first it was a lot of partying and high bar tabs, but as time went on it slowly got out of control and I could no longer go a day without it.  I hid bottles all over the house, in my car, coffee mugs, under the bed, inside my purse, or wherever I could put them where I wouldn't be exposed.  Throwing up became part of my morning ritual, and although I told myself every day that I was not going to drink that day, there I was in line at the liquor store with my few pints of cheap vodka a few hours later.  As I look back on those days, I am so grateful that even through my foggy mind I made the choice to go to AA.


Over the past 18 months of sobriety I have proven to myself that I can, in fact, do hard things.  I have proven to myself that the original idea I had about myself is completely false.  I have also found that its ok to ask for help.  It's ok to fall apart, and it's ok to not always be OK.  Falling apart is the perfect time to rebuild yourself just the way God intended for you to be.  It took a while to truly believe those things, and there are certainly days where self-doubt starts to settle in, but on those days I try to remember an experience I had a few years back...

I became a CNA in 2008 after my grandma got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  Although I am not doing CNA work anymore, I know that there are certain reasons why I was supposed to work that job, one of then being one of my patients, Sandy.  Sandy was in a car accident, which left her a quadrapolegic.  She was quite young, and because of her condition she relied on the nurses and CNA's to take care of most things that you and I do so easily.  The thing about Sandy is she was always so happy.  She never complained about her situation.  One night as I was putting her to bed I asked her how she kept such great attitude.  She went on to tell me how it is a conscious decision every single day.  I've fallen back on those words from time to time over the last 18 months as I have become sober.  Every day you have to make the decision that staying sober is the only option because YOU are worth it, and you deserve to be happy.  Those decisions don't come easy though, and every day won't be perfect, but like anything worth fighting for it's "progress not perfection."  It starts with believing in something greater than yourself that help you make it through the day.  In an article Sandy wrote about her accident she said this...

"Up until that moment in my life, I had always believed in God, but He was a God who helped other people, not me.  Somehow I had reached the conclusion that I was not good enough for God to love.  I believed in my salvation, but not that God was interested in my worthless life that I had made such a mess of.  I was ashamed of me and my life, and felt totally worthless. 

When God came to see me in my hospital room, I learned the truth.  The room was filled with love, and I don’t mean a little love.  The room was so full of love that there was literally no room for fear or doubt or any other negative emotion.  I knew that all my sins were forgiven.  There was no room for them in that room.  And I knew, for the first time, how much God truly loves me and wants to be part of my life.  I was extremely humbled that the God of the universe would take time out of His busy schedule to visit me, a new quadriplegic in the hospital.  From that point on, I knew no fear of the future or what I had to face.  I knew I would never be alone. If God is for you, who can be against you?"

At the time I read this, I was heavy in my addiction, so I didn't take from it what I do now.  When I went to my first AA meeting I remember feeling scared and hopeless, but relied on the pure fact that I could not stay sober alone and I needed help. To date, that has been the best decision I have ever made for myself.  I am accountable for my decisions, and I know that it all starts and ends with me.  I am happy.  I love getting up every day and sharing my story.  Recovery is not easy, but it can be done.  Hard things can be done.  

Heavy in addiction

Now!!!

One year part one...

Looking over my blogs from the past year has actually been an emotional experience for me.  I went back to the very first one I wrote, and as I read it I could vividly see myself sitting on my bed that night writing it.  I remember what I had been doing that day, what I was wearing, and I remember having arctic circle fries sitting next to me on my bed as I wrote.  I was 7 days sober and was trying to get through my first Saturday night without drinking.  Its pretty amazing how we remember the little details of moments that are so pivotal in our lives.  I never dreamed that what I wrote that night would turn into something that would help other people, and I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for that.  I am truly a blessed girl.  The one thing that I have wanted out of my experience is to help someone else, so hopefully I have done that.

Before I started writing that first blog, I remember being so unsure of almost everything that was going on in my life.  I had a lot of things that I wanted to let out, but had no idea how to go about doing it.   The only thing I was sure of in that moment was that somehow this attempt to stop drinking had to work.  I didn’t know how I was going to make it work, but was going to pour my heart into trying.  That’s when I started writing.  I think I wrote until the sun came up.  I realized after writing that blog that I felt better.  It was almost like I threw up all over the keyboard everything that I had been feeling for so long and a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I didn’t know what to do with everything I had written, but knew I had to do something, and that’s how this blog came to be.  After contemplating for what felt like years about whether or not I should share it, I decided to do it.  This might just be  what keeps me sober no matter how vulnerable it makes me.  I was a prisoner to alcohol and I knew that the only thing that was going to free me was admitting the one thing I didn’t want to:  I am an alcoholic.  I don’t think anyone really wants to admit that, but I was terrified.  I was terrified of what everyone would think.  I was terrified of what my parents would do.  As I have mentioned in this blog, I think they had an idea, but didn’t really want to believe it.  It wasn’t something I wanted to believe either, but there comes a point where you have to surrender.  The fight gets too hard and it starts to show in everything you do.  Getting out of bed becomes harder and harder every day, and the things you used to enjoy don’t do anything for you anymore.  That’s where I was, and I hope to never be there again as long as I live.   As hard as starting this journey was, posting this blog and walking into that first meeting was the best choice I have made to date.  Through both of those things I have found that what I thought was my biggest weakness has actually become my greatest strength.  I may not have it all together, and I may wear my flaws on my sleeve for everyone to see, but that’s ok.  At least I am alive, and at least I wake up every morning as a sober person.  Those are things that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. 

I am sure there are some of you who have wondered if I am still sober.  I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I am happy to say that I am more sober now than ever.  I was thinking a couple days ago about what it felt like to be drunk and I couldn’t remember.  It’s a weird feeling.  Something that I used to feel and crave every day is now just something that sits on the shelf at the store.  I have defeated it.  I won.  Something that I thought I could never do, I have done.  I remember waking up on day one wondering if I was going to make it to midnight, and now I have made it one whole year.  It’s a surreal feeling, and not something that I will take for granted ever again.  Every morning that I get up sober is a gift, and the promises that I was given at the start have all been given to me. 

As I think about the things I have learned over the year, I have realized that I didn’t know myself at all.  This year has kind of been a “getting to know Amelia” year.  Things that I thought I hated, I actually love, and things that I thought I loved, I actually hate.  I have also realized this year how much my parents love me, and that even in moments when I wasn’t very lovable, their love never changed.  They have always been there for me, I was just to selfish to see it.  This year my relationship with both of them has grown ten fold.  The road hasn’t always been easy for my dad and I, and I am realizing now just how much he has done for me and how much I put him through.  I am sure there were times that he wanted to give up.  I am also sure there were many nights where he laid awake wondering if I was ok.  I wish I could go back and take away the pain I have caused, but am also grateful every day that I have been given another chance to make up for it all.  I know that God gave me my dad for a reason.  He knew I needed someone that was a fighter, and he knew my dad would fight for me.  For my one year sobriety date my dad wrote me a letter that has changed my life.  This letter is something that I will keep with me every single day until I am old and gray and can’t read anymore.  It will be this letter that will get me through the hard times in life that are sure to come.  It went like this…

Amelia, my wonderful shining star!

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “The hero is no braver than the ordinary man or woman, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

Thank you for being my Hero and for being brave five minutes longer every day over the past year of sobriety.  This is no small quest and I couldn’t be more proud or love you more than I do today.

You are an inspiration to so many, but especially me.  It is hard for dads to sit on the sidelines and watch his children go through difficulty, but I know that because you did it under your own choice it has made you stronger than if anyone else told you to do it.  You are a remarkable woman.

As I sat on the sidelines and watched, you just need to know that my prayers have always been there every day for you because that is the way I felt I could help the most.  I had the quite peace of understanding that Heavenly Father was watching and helping from the Heavens above and he knows you and loves you even more than me if that were even possible to my finite mind.  You are the most beautiful woman with talents and compassion and personality that makes you one of the worlds finest.  Even as far as you have come, you will need to continue this journey in the years ahead and I will be right with you all the way.  My hopes and dreams for you are the ones that only a Father can dream for his children and my hope for you in the years ahead is to find love, joy, and happiness that will be the fulfilling crown of your life.

I love you Amelia Bedilia, my beautiful little Brown Eyed girl that I love more than I can express.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.”…You must do the next thing you think you can not do.”

What more can I say to you other than the fact that you and I have many more miles to go together on this journey before we sleep and for this Dad that is my greatest joy to journey with you in this wonderful experience we call life.

After all, Family is the most important gift I have.

God Bless you always,

Love Dad

I have read that every single day since I received it, and I am so happy that my heart has softened enough to let now just my dad in, but everyone else in my life.  I don't go to bed with regrets anymore and even though things aren't perfect, they are getting better every day.  All I know is I am one blessed and grateful alcoholic.

That’s all for now my friends.  I will continue on tomorrow and will start writing more often.  Thank you so much for being there for me over the year.  I am more grateful than you can ever imagine.  Love you all… xoxoxo

Amelia

Day 254

This blog is kind of a blog of lists.  I've got a lot of lists going on here, so bear with me.  Having said that, I can't believe how long it has been.  I actually feel guilty, and I can tell my life is not the same when I am not blogging.  As I wrote the title of the blog, I got a little big choked up.  Day 254.  254 days.  254 days since I woke up hungover on day 1 and decided I wasn't going to drink that day.  Infact, I wasn't going to drink ever again.  It's also been 254 days since I was willing to give myself to a power great than me and trust that it would all be ok.  Hard.  Very hard.  Especially for a stubborn soul like myself who always thought they knew everything.  Boy was I wrong.  I didn't exactly how wrong I was until now.  I didn't know anything.  I still don't know everything, but am learning every day.  Here are just a few of those things...

It is NEVER about you.
Don't ever take things personal.
Don't worry.
Be YOU, no matter what.
Happiness doesn't come from outside sources, happiness comes from inside yourself.
Running from your problems doesn't solve a thing.
Tell people the truth, even if it might hurt their feelings.
Be kind.  When things seem unbearable, count your blessings.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Be dependable.
If you say you are going to do something, do it.
Smile at those around you.
Serve people, especially when you're having a bad day.
Never lie to yourself.
Don't expect too much out of yourself.  Be fair to YOU.
Admit when you are wrong.
Apologize.

I have not mastered all of those things, but they are definitely things that I have learned and am trying to remember as I go about my days.  Some people say the best thing they ever did was get married, some say having a baby was, but for me, getting sober has been the greatest gift I've given to myself, and something I will never take for granted again.

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I might be in 5 years, what I want to be doing, and how I am going to get there.  Maybe its because I am turning 30 in two months, but its been on my mind a lot, especially today.  It is really weird living in a place where families and children are all around you.  Utah is such a wonderful place to live, but the culture is hard at times, especially for a woman.  Being 30 years old with no kids and no husband is kind of foreign around here.  It is getting more common, but it doesn't make it easy.  I am finding it has actually been a gift though because it has forced me to find happiness within me, and not look for it in other people.  Living by myself I have really found what makes me tick. I have found what I like and don't like, who I want in my life, and I know exactly the type of person I want to share my life with one day.  The acceptance mentality that I have had for so long is slowly leaving.  Maybe its because I am seeing my worth, but I just don't care as much, and I understand now that not everyone is going to accept me no matter what I do.  I don't need to be validated by anyone, and I am absolutely certain that I am completely worth someone's time.  I was thinking today about something that my brother in law Cameron told me the day my wedding was called off 10 years ago.  I remember just being so upset that day wondering how this could ever happen to me.  Now that I look back, I think I knew it was going to happen, but I think sometimes love is blind and reality gets pushed aside.  I was being very dishonest with myself.  What Cameron said to me though will stick with me forever..... he said this "Amelia, you want someone who wants to run to the temple to marry you.  They can't wait.  You won't have to beg, and you won't have to feel like they don't want to be there.  They will be proud to call you theirs, and they will want everyone to know and meet you.  You deserve this.  You will find it."..... I think at the time, and up until recently, I just haven't felt those type exist.  I have yet to find that man, but one thing I do know is I have to BELIEVE that they do exist.  Maybe far and few between, but they are there, and I am worth it.  So, there are some of the thoughts I've had over the past few months.  Bring on 30 years old.  I am stoked.  I have a feeling there are big things to come.  You just have to BELIEVE.

Ok, now here's the part where I count all my blessings..... so here goes nothing.

I love my job, I have the best job.  I have the best supervisor Cassie.  She has been such a blessing in ways she can't imagine.
My family is the best.  I love them.  Despite the struggles over the years and all the hardships, we still all come out on top.
Annie is my hero.  She is the best dog in the world.  My life would be empty without her, and she has truly shown me the true meaning of unconditional love.  I love being a doggy mom.
Billy is still just awesome, and I am blessed to call him my friend.
I got a second job at Pier 1 Imports and I love it.  I work crazy hours, but am grateful to have money coming in and being able to make it.
I love movies, and am grateful for them as of recently.  I haven't had cable or internet since I moved in, so basically I've been watching movies since April 25th.  Its ok.  I love movies.
I've got a running car.  Although its not registered and it needs new brake pads, it works.
I am healthy.  I am not battling a disease of any kind.  I am so grateful for that.
I've got a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on.
I have been blessed with a gift to run.  I love running..  Although my knees have been acting up recently, I am grateful for what running has given me.

And some blessings in pictures...

Billy, Annie and I on the 4th getting sushi :)

Me and my moms best friend Collette.  She is amazing and has known me longer than anyone else.

Me and Annie up in park city at a family reunion

Me and my good friend Tygr.  The guy drives me crazy sometimes, but for some reason I still wonder how he is doing and enjoy my time with him.  :)

Next, goals.  Here are some goals I've set for myself over the next 5 years.

Buy my own home, small, with a fenced yard.
Have 3 dogs.  1 big and 2 small.
Grow with progressive finance.
Find someone to share my life with
Run a marathon out of state

One day at a time my friends. One day at a time!  I love you all, Ill write more next week xoxoxo

Amelia and Annie

Day 189

Last Memorial Day I remember very well.  I drank more than normal the night before because I knew that I only had to see 2 patients the next morning.  As usual, when I woke up, I was sicker than a dog and spent a few extra minutes in the shower with my finger down my throat.  I went and saw my two patients, then got home to my mom watering the flowers outside.  Obviously since it was a holiday I was going to start drinking early, so I already had my vodka upstairs in my backpack in my closet.  Thats where I always kept my bottles.  I tried to keep them in a place where no one would look.  I remember going upstairs and immediately taking a big swallow of vodka right out of the bottle.  When you drink as much as I did, it hits you pretty immediately, so I was wasted before I made it back down the stairs to chat with my mom.  It was 11am and I was feeling great, or at the time I thought I was.  My mom was always so cute and naive.  She probably said a few times a week, "What is that smell?  Have you been drinking?", but because I am an alcoholic, I was really good at making up excuses.  She never questioned.  There were definitely a few times where she looked at me funny, but I always had a way of making it better.  I am still angry at myself for a lot of the lies I told, and I don't know when that anger will go away, but I have to assume that it does.  I remember that day only having 2 bottles of popov in my backpack, which were the pint size.  Each of those had 12 shots in them, and I could get thru the first one pretty fast.  Not having enough vodka always stressed me out, especially on a holiday because the liquor store is closed.  I remember finishing the first bottle and telling myself that I wasn't going to start the second one until later because I needed to have enough to finish out the day.  Ya, that didnt work.  I had the second one finished by 5pm.  Two full bottles.  24 shots.  Wow.  It is shocking to me writing down the amounts that I would drink.  I honestly cant believe that I didnt have serious liver problems.  I am sure it wouldn't have been long before those health problems would have started to show signs.  I remember when that second bottle was gone I was so upset because I didnt know what I was going to do for the rest of the night.  I mean, its a holiday!  I had to be drunk right?  I think I text like 5 people to see if they had an extra bottle I could buy off of them.  None of them did.  This meant that I would sit up in my room for the rest of the night because I could not socialize around family without drinking.  I am sure I was already beyond wasted with 24 shots in my system, but it didnt matter.  Ugh.  Still, writing this out makes me so sick.  I can't believe my mentality.  I wasted a lot of time up in my room drinking out of a bottle that wasn't giving me anything that I was looking for.  What I was looking for was downstairs in the living room where my family was sitting, I just didn't know it at the time.

 As I sit here on this Memorial Day I can't help but be a little bit choked up at the difference a year makes.  Lately I have been really been trying to investigate my behaviors and why I do certain things.  Like, why I have a wall up with some people, but not with others.  Or why I feel like I still need approval from a certain few.  I've realized that being honest with yourself and actually looking at things as they are can open your eyes to things that have been right in front of you for a long time.  This happened to me last Saturday.  Well, I guess a week and two days ago. I know I sound like a kindergartener, but over the last 6 months I feel like I am getting to know myself, and learning why I do the things I do.  I started drinking so long ago, that it’s like I didn't know who I was when I quit.  I panicked in certain situations because I didn't know what to do.  It’s a cool experience learning all these things, but also a little bit weird.  Ok, so here’s what happened to me.

As most of you have seen, I have a friend named Billy, who I met just under 2 years ago. We met each other at the most crazy time for the both of us.  You know how it goes, you meet someone new, the sparks are flying, you aren't really thinking straight, and sometimes you jump in way too fast.  That’s what happened.  This is really weird for me because at the time I had a "fuck off" toward men stamped on my forehead I feel like.  I was turned off by the whole notion of men because of my recent breal-up.  Infact, the night I met Billy was because my friend Steffanie dragged me out of my house after not leaving for a few months.  She told me that she had a friend who played in a band and she wanted me to come with her and husband to watch them.  Well, the drummer of that band was Billy.  And, as usual, I was drunk when I met him.  A few weeks into mine and Billy's relationship we started dropping the "I love you's" on a regular basis. It was then that we realized how fast we were moving and decided that maybe we should slow it down a bit.  I was still living at home, and obviously an actively drinking alcoholic, and he was going thru his own stuff, so pumping the breaks was a good thing for both of us at this point.  He was not aware of my alcohol problem, I mean, he knew I drank quite a bit, but didn’t know the extent of it.  He did mention a few times, "Why can't you just have a drink to relax? Why do you have to get drunk all the time?".  I never had that answer for him, until now.  The thing about Billy was he always made sure that I made it home ok.  I always woke up the next morning in my own bed, and its because Billy put me there.  My parents knew that if I was with Billy, I would make it home in one piece.  Not just that, but I was guaranteed to have all my belongings too.  A lot of times I don’t remember getting home, so it was so nice that I could know for a fact that I would be in one piece the next morning when I got up.  Billy was just all around awesome.  He was 12 years older than me, and we led very different lives, but for some reason we just clicked.  Nothing about it made sense, but it was ok.  Sometimes everything isn't supposed to make sense.  When we decided to take a step back, things changed, but we still spoke all the time and even hung out.  The "I love you's" went away, but somehow a really awesome friendship developed.  That usually does not happen with break-ups, but it did with us.  This is where I can look back now and know that God had a part in this.  I can't explain it, but there was something different about Billy and I.  I had such a wall up from my break up with Jason that I know I was having many ups and downs with my emotions and how I felt.  Billy was also going through a lot himself, so he too was pretty up and down.  We spent a lot of hours talking about our lives.  There were nights that we stayed up til almost morning talking about things.  Maybe that was the difference, we could connect on that level, who knows, but it worked.  And the cool thing about our relationship was we were both ok with being "friends".  I realized that he was way older than me, and that maybe I never even liked him in the first place.  I put my "tough girl" hat back on and basically told everyone that he was just my friend, no feelings otherwise.  The only problem with this type of relationship is that even though you have the understanding that you are just friends, it’s hard to go backwards.  We still hung out all the time, and did all the things that couples do.  We weren't together every single day, but a lot.  Still though, I was ok with that.  I only wanted to be friends.  I didn’t care.  There was that wall again, and this time it was thick.  When I decided to become sober and wrote my first blog, it shocked him a little.  I mean, he was around me the most over the past year, and he was not aware how much I was drinking.  I wasn't sure how he would react, but was surprised with how accepting he was.  Actually, I'm not surprised.  That’s just the type of person he is, and I’ve realized he is exactly the person I have needed in my life.  Let me put it this way.  Billy has been my "person" over the last 2 years.  Have you guys seen Grey’s Anatomy?  Meredith and Christina are each others “person”.  That’s exactly how I have felt for Billy.  We had that short relationship at the beginning, but ever since we've somehow been able to go backwards in a good way.  That is very rare that two people can do that, and I know that it is mainly because of him, not me.  Through this sobriety journey he could have left numerous times.  He has listened to me cry over Jason.  He has been there for me in the night when I am a mess.  He drops whatever he is doing and comes to be with me, even if it is just laying by me so I can sleep.  There have been times when I have been so out of control screaming and yelling at him in a drunken stupor, but yet he still remains the same, he doesn’t go.  Sometimes I have done things to see if maybe I will push him away, but it hasn't worked.  He still stays.  He helped me move, brought me over food, replaced my side mirror when it ripped off of my car, when I was drinking all the time he dealt with my ups and downs and even some vomit a few times.  He rode his bike behind me when I was training for my half marathon last year, and even picked me up at 2am and drove me to it in Moab.  He was even there when I finished with his camera.  He knows what I usually want to eat for dinner.  He usually knows why I'm bugged before I do.  In some ways I feel like he knows me better than I do.  He has been the one that has seen me at my absolute worst, and is seeing me come into my best.  Truly, I have never met a person like him.  Even still though, when people ask, I am very adamant that we are just friends.  That’s what I have always said, and what I have came to believe, until my heart told me otherwise last Saturday.  I had to work overtime that day, so I asked Billy if he would hang out with Annie for a while.  He said yes, of course, and sent me pictures the whole time he was with her.  I just smiled every time I got one.  It was so nice of him to do that with all the overtime I have been working.  I feel so guilty leaving Annie as it is, so it meant the world.  When I pulled up to my apartment, I walked up the stairs and opened the door.  There he was, lying on my couch, watching a movie with Annie.  That’s when it happened.  It was probably the strongest thing I have ever felt.  In all the years I was with Jason, I don't think I have ever had a feeling this strong toward him.  It was like something hit me over the head with a 2x4.  Maybe it was me just being happy that he was there with Annie, I dunno, but something in my heart changed.  It almost made me cry it was so strong.  I realized, and I swear I almost said out loud, "I love you.  Oh my goodness gracious I love you."  I didn’t say it though.  I held it in and just said hi and kept going on with the night like normal.  The next week was the same.  I thought maybe it would ware off, but it didn’t.  I wasn’t sure if I should tell him or not because we have spoke many times that he is going to date other people and so am I.  I didn’t want to put any pressure on him.  After battling in my mind for a few days, I decided to just tell him.  Oh well.  I haven’t said those words in years and it scared the living snot out of me, but I knew that I had to be honest with myself.  However vulnerable it makes me, or however many of the dating rules I was breaking by doing it, I didn’t care.  This time the “I love you” meant a whole lot more than it did in the beginning because this time I was stone cold sober, and I was feeling this to the fullest extent that I could feel.  When I told him it happened to be in a text, and we were sort of arguing at the time, mainly because I knew what I wanted to say but wasn’t saying it so then the argument started over something so dumb.  Then I sent the text that just told him how I felt.  It didn’t quite go the way I wanted it to, but that’s ok.  At least I told him.  The rest of that day I was a mess, infact, I have been a blubbering mess ever since.  Its better now, but I’ve just been so emotional.  I don’t know why really, maybe it’s because I am confronting things that I usually do drunk, who knows, but it’s a weird feeling.  Things are still ok with him and I.  I guess I will take him however I can get him.  To me, I would rather have him in my life than not at all, and its awesome that we have built such a great friendship to fall back on.  At least I know exactly the type of guy I want to marry.  I want him to have every single quality that Billy has.  Billy makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed.  He is so sensitive and cuddly, but still a mans man and loves sports.  He would do just about anything for me if I asked, and is always there at the drop of a hat.  Not just that, but he is the one guy in my life that I can say has not left.  How many people can you say that about these days?  Even through the most ugly times, he didn’t go anywhere, and that is how I know that God was watching out for me when he gave Billy to me.  Maybe in some ways he’s a real life angel, and we are just supposed to help each other.  Whatever the reason, I am grateful every day to have him in my life.  So that’s that.  I’ve started dating and actually feeling quite good.  Maybe the honesty helped me to be able to get myself out there, but I am feeling much more relief.  Having said this, this quote I find to be perfect.

I start training for my full marathon on June 2.  I am so excited this time around because I don’t have to plan my runs on when I am going to be hung over.  That was such a drag.  I could never do my long runs because I was always super hung over on Saturday mornings.  Now, I don’t have to worry about that.  I can get up at any hour of the morning and go for a run and feel great.  My body is so ready to do this race.  It’s been a goal of mine for so long I can’t wait to cross that finish line.  Portland here I come!!!!

Everything else is great.  I absolutely love my job.  They take such great care of their employees and I have met so many awesome people.  Life is just good.  I am so happy living as a sober person, despite the hard moments.  I am not jealous of other people when they go out.  I would rather stay in, have a cup of coffee, and watch a movie with Annie.  It’s the simple things I enjoy now.  Thank you all so so much for reading my blog.  I love you!  I love all my instagram friends.  They inspire me from all over the world!  What a great life this is.  Here’s to day 189 sober.

My cute cousin Ryane. I love this girl.

My friend Rebekah came to visit me last week. One of the best nurses and people I know. She gives me so much hope and is so positive. 

Love from SLC,

Amelia

6 Months

Wow.  Where do I even begin?  I have so many things to write, so I guess ill just let my fingers go and see what happens.    I have really missed blogging, and even though things are going well, I can still tell a difference when I am not writing.  This is such a good way for me to get things out and make sense of what’s going on.  I can’t believe all the things that have happened since my last post.  I think the last time I wrote was at my 4 month sobriety date.  Actually, I did write a littler blerb last week, but then didn’t follow up on that.  I will do that now. 

Ok, first things first, I am in my new place.  I moved out of my last apartment on April 25^th and got my own place with Annie.  I knew I was going to have to be out of my last place by the end of April when I moved in last August.  There are really no words to describe how happy I am to be out of where I was living.  They say that through sobriety you will realize who your true friends are, and that is exactly what happened with my last roommate.  I met her in 2008 in chemistry class, and it was like instantly we connected.  We were exactly the same in every way, or so I thought.  I was with Jason at the time, so I didn’t really hang out with her that much, but when we did we had a blast.  The only thing we ever did together though was go to the bar, which was fun, but that was all we did.  I kinda lost touch with her over the years, then reconnected on facebook last year.  She asked if I was looking for a place to live, and it happened to be at the perfect time because I had just got kicked out of my moms for coming home drunk one too many times.  So I moved in with her thinking it would be so much fun and so perfect.  I mean, we were so much alike.  Obviously I was not in the best place when I first moved in, and living with a person I usually only drink with anyway didn’t make things better.   I started my sobriety journey 3 months after I moved in with her.  I could feel a difference in our friendship the second I got sober.  I am by no means a perfect person, but I can tell you one thing, if my friend was trying to become sober, I wouldn’t do some of the things that she did through those last few months.  It was in those months that I realized what I had been told was true.  You do find out who your true friends are, and realize the ones that are just your “drinking” friends.  Sitting back and watching her and all her friends made me realize exactly why I became sober. The drunk, beligerant, screaming at 1:30am, no consideration for other people…. Just wow.  If I acted like that when I was drinking, then I have a lot of people to make amends with.  I am not going to go on about that, lets just say I am glad to be out, and with the events leading up to moving out I know that it was meant to be that April was my last month.  As stressed as I was the last month scrambling to find a place, it was all so worth it.  My life right now is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I first moved back to Utah in 2011.  The things they promise in AA are coming true, and I am living proof that there is something out there bigger than I am.  It’s really true when they say that’s all you need to start the process.  Just being willing to believe there is something out there bigger than you that can help you become sober, because obviously you have lost all power to do it on your own.  Do I know exactly what that "bigger" thing is yet for me?  No.  I am not sure I need a definition.  I feel content just believing, and being able to clearly see the miracles in my life when they happen knowing I am being taken care of and watched over. It's a feeling for me. I do say God a lot, but am not going to define that God as any specific person.  I never did very well in the structured religion, which is why the AA philosophy has worked so well for me.  I believe, I see, I feel, I give thanks, and I am sober.  That’s what spirituality and God means to me.

 Life is good.  Sobriety is even more amazing, and I can’t even begin to explain what it has given me.  The list is endless.  I am sitting in my own apartment with Annie at my feet because of it.  This place is mine, and I am finally making things happen for myself.  Again, promises.  I am still taking it day by day, but as time goes on it get a little bit easier and the defense against that first drink gets a little bit stronger.  Of course there is always shit to work through, but you learn how to manage it instead of drowning in the bottle.  These past few weeks have been a bittersweet 
experience as I have moved through a lot of shit.  Moving does that to you.  The one good thing is though, I have stayed sober through it all.  Let me start from the beginning…

Mid march I started getting a little bit stressed out about where the heck I was going to live.  I knew I had to be out April 30^th,  but I had no idea where I was going to live, or how I was going to afford it.  Moving is always expensive, especially if you have a dog because you have the pet deposit, etc.  I had just enough money to pay my rent every month, but not a penny more.  Every place I looked at online required first and last months rent, plus a large deposit just to move in.  There was no way that I could afford that, so what was I going to do?  Plus, at the time I just wasn’t feeling that great about where I was living, and my mom and I weren’t speaking either.  Things were far from awesome and I could feel my old alcoholic brain slipping back in.  The self-pity, negative, and “why 
me” thoughts were becoming frequent at the time.  I wasn’t drinking, but you would have thought I was.  With one month to go and no answers on what I was doing, I decided to just pray.  Just ask.  I realized that the negative thoughts were not getting me anywhere, and I needed help.  When I prayed I just pretty much gave it all away to “God”.  I made a pact with God that I would do whatever it took, I just needed a miracle, and I needed to find a good place 
for me and Annie to live.  I told God all my dreams and what I wanted.  The next day I started looking again and came across some apartments in Midvale that I had seen a couple times before.  I decided to call just to see what the rent would be.  The girl told me that the deposit would be $400 with crappy credit, but $0 with good credit.  She also mentioned the dreaded pet deposit of $300.  I knew that my credit wasn’t the greatest so I would probably be at the $400 level.  I could feel the negative thoughts creeping in again, but pushed them out and remembered the pact I made.  A few days after I spoke to her on the phone, I was sitting at my desk at work,  when an email popped up. It talked about a meeting we were having that day as a company.   It seemed important, and there was no mention of any meeting prior, so I was a little bit nervous.  When we all walked in the room, there was a few people there that I did not recognize, along with the CEO of Progressive.  Something was up.  They began to explain that we had just got bought out, and what a great thing it was going to be for Progressive.  Then they said this…. “We are giving everybody a bonus with this new buyout.  With every 3 months you’ve worked you got $250."  I had just hit my 6 month mark THAT WEEK.  So, I got a $500 bonus, direct deposited into my account the very next day.  Wow.  The whole rest of that meeting I couldn’t even focus.  I KNEW that was God.  I knew it.  My prayer was heard.  That was my deposit, and I could now go apply for that apartment.  Tears of gratitude ran down my face the whole way home that day.  I called my mom and my sponsor Cindee to tell them, actually, I think I called everyone in my phone book.   In my whole entire life, I really never knew with a surety that there is a God, until that moment.  It was a spiritual awakening, even more than what I had on my 90 day.  It was almost like God was saying “Uh, hello Amelia, I am here, and I am watching out for you!”  The difference this time was I recognized it and knew exactly what I had witnessed.  It didn’t end just there either. Later that week I got moved to a different department at work which included a raise.  That and my bonus was everything I needed to move.  The very next week I went to the apartment complex to see what my deposit would be, and to my surprise I got approved with $0.  I only had to pay the pet deposit and a few other fees.  It all came out perfect.  I had enough to move, and I was going to be able to afford this place on my own with my new raise.  As I sit here and type this I am still in awe at how this all happened.  Maybe it is just a coincidence that 
everything lined up so perfectly.  Maybe the skeptics are right, and there is nothing higher than us.  Maybe it is science based and I just happened to be lucky that week.  Whatever the answer may be, I just know that ever since I let go of all my insecurities and believed that things could happen for me, they have.  I know there are going to be hard days to come, and things aren’t going to always line up that way, but I think to be challenged spiritually is a good thing, at least it was for me.

So that was that, I moved a week later into my new place.  I have been in awe at the generosity that has been shown to me since I moved in.  My dear sweet friend Raychel, whom I have no words for these days, helped me get all my stuff out of my other place and packed in the truck.  Her kids helped too. What an amazing family.  My dad let me use his truck whenever I needed it, and also helped me move stuff up the stairs and into my apartment.  Some of the stuff was quite heavy too, and at 61 years old that can’t be the easiest thing!  My mom gave me things from her house to help me get settled, as well as Billy.  I have had so many friends come over to see my place and say hi and I just feel so overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  It has been so great getting settled in and finally having a place to call my own.  

As fun as this has been though, moving also comes with unpacking boxes. When I first moved home from Montana, I remember just throwing everything into a storage unit.  That was 3 years ago, and I haven't been back to that storage unit until now.  Because I was so wasted when I packed up to move home,  I couldn’t remember exactly everything I had.  I knew it was all stuff from mine and Jason’s 5 year relationship, and when you live with someone for that long, that’s a lot of stuff.  I didn’t know what to expect, especially unpacking sober, so I started with the first box.   What a bittersweet few days those were, and still are.  When I mentioned going thru some shit, this is what I meant.  I had everything from pictures to dishes from those 5 years. I had our sheets that went on our bed. I had all of our decorations.  I had our little air conditioner that we slept with in our room every single night.  I had our kitchen table and the recliner that I got for Jason a few years into our relationship.  There was a lot.  I was actually doing ok going through all of it until the very last night.  Billy was over here laying on my bed while I was unpacking everything, and I opened a box and saw a black digital picture frame at the bottom.  I knew that my mom got us this picture frame for Christmas one year, but I couldn’t remember for the life of me what was on it.  Well, so I plugged it in and started to play it, and for some reason I lost it.  It took everything I had not to break down in front of Billy.  Everything.  After he left I sat there and just stared at everything.  Here I was, standing in my living room, in the middle of all the things that I held the most dear to my heart for 5
 years of my life.  The only difference was this time I was alone.  It’s a really weird feeling.  I can’t explain it.  I am sure that those of you who are divorced know exactly what I mean.  Not seeing those things for a few years, and then going through it all, brings up a lot.  Who would have thought that a coffee mug with peppers on it would bring back so many memories, or the throw pillows we kept on our bed.  It was all a distant memory now, and something that I will always hold dear to my heart.  As I stood there and looked at all of it, I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad.  I was crying, but it almost felt like a relief.  It was like seeing all these things was exactly what I needed to let go.  I have been so angry in the past at Jason for what I thought he was doing, when really, he wasn't doing anything.  I think I was just holding onto something that I needed to release.  Even a few posts back when I was so angry….. I don’t even know what I was angry at.  Myself maybe?  Mad that Jason was with someone else now and not me?  Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with what I thought it was at the time. Weird how time makes you realize things.  After I got all the boxes emptied I text Jason and told him what I had found.  I sent him pictures of some of the things and we had a great talk.  We talked about memories over the years and some of the funny inside jokes we had.  We spoke of how life was going for each of us and what we are doing.  It was great.  As I have battled over the past few years since I moved home on what I feel inside for Jason, I finally think I have figured it out on some level.  Jason is someone that I will love for the rest of my life.  He took my heart first, so in a sense he was the one who awakened love inside of me.  He taught me what love is.  I don’t know if you ever really get over someone that you were with on that level and  for that many years.  Do you?  I think maybe I will know that in time, but what I do know for today is even though I love Jason, I know that we are not meant to be together.  I have been angry at myself for so long because of all the alcohol I consumed in that relationship, and how I let myself go to a place that is not Amelia, but with sifting through all of our things and unpacking 5 years of my life, I am humbled.  I am 
not angry anymore because I know what I had with him was real, and necessary for my life.  I can look at a decoration on my wall and smile because I remember the day we bought it.  I want Jason to be happy, he deserves it, as do I.  I ran across a quote last week that sums up exactly how I feel….

It really is so true.  Everything we go through shapes us.  There is no use being angry over the past because eventually it will ruin your life.  You may not drink it all away or hide it with drugs, but it will catch up to you one way or another.  Instead, just know that it all happens for a reason.  It may take quite some time to know the reason, but you’ll know.  I don’t have all the answers yet to why I was supposed to go through some of the things I have, but I’m just going to take it one day at a time.  That’s all any of us can do.  Because we only have today.  I know I am probably sounding so cheesy, but like I said earlier, writing things out helps me to sort through things so much easier.

So there you have it, my 6 month post.  5/18/13 is my 6 month sobriety date.  I will never forget 11/18/13 and how I felt that day.  Ill never forget writing my first blog and showing you all what was inside of me for so long that I couldn’t hide any longer.  Here is my 6 month sober transformation pic.....

I've said this before but I look at that old girl and I don't really know what to feel.  I am grateful for sure, but sad for the girl on the left.  That smile was fake.  I was so lonely.  I didn't know how to feel.  I was drunk 24/7, and when I wasn't I was onry as heck.  I did not love life.  I love it now.  :)

I love living as a sober woman.  I love that I know exactly what I want now and what I don’t want.  I love that my senses are so much stronger.  When I cry, I’m really crying.  It’s not because I am drunk.  I am crying because I am truly sad or happy.  It is so surreal to me. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that there is no alcohol in my body heightening my senses. These are my real feelings, and even if I am sad, I am grateful that I can at least feel the sadness and work through it.  I love my annie, I love living alone with her.  I love walking in my door to her kisses every single day.  I love Billy.  Do I love him as a friend, or do I love him?  I dunno.  I guess I will know in time though.  He's just an amazing person and I am happy to have him a part of my life.  I am so grateful for my family and my parents.  I am so happy that I have chosen a vegan lifestyle.  It’s been a 4 month transition, but something that I am very passionate about.  I am glad that I am learning these things about myself, and that I am doing things to make me happy, not another person.  I am grateful for all of you, thank you for reading my blog.  You are all amazing and inspire me daily.  Here are some pics as of late…

The first night we moved in!!!

I've got a porch with the coolest tree right in front of it.  Its so pretty in the evening!

Just hangin out

My awesome Aunt Suan brought me over this fruit basket and another bag of goodies!  She is so amazing.

I have started training for my marathon in October, and these are the pants I am going to wear.  Yes, bright pink.  And they are BRIGHT.  This photo doesn't do them justice.  I don't even care though.  Ill be 30 years old that week and I wanna finish in style!

Love you all!!

Amelia and Annie