One year part one...

Looking over my blogs from the past year has actually been an emotional experience for me.  I went back to the very first one I wrote, and as I read it I could vividly see myself sitting on my bed that night writing it.  I remember what I had been doing that day, what I was wearing, and I remember having arctic circle fries sitting next to me on my bed as I wrote.  I was 7 days sober and was trying to get through my first Saturday night without drinking.  Its pretty amazing how we remember the little details of moments that are so pivotal in our lives.  I never dreamed that what I wrote that night would turn into something that would help other people, and I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for that.  I am truly a blessed girl.  The one thing that I have wanted out of my experience is to help someone else, so hopefully I have done that.

Before I started writing that first blog, I remember being so unsure of almost everything that was going on in my life.  I had a lot of things that I wanted to let out, but had no idea how to go about doing it.   The only thing I was sure of in that moment was that somehow this attempt to stop drinking had to work.  I didn’t know how I was going to make it work, but was going to pour my heart into trying.  That’s when I started writing.  I think I wrote until the sun came up.  I realized after writing that blog that I felt better.  It was almost like I threw up all over the keyboard everything that I had been feeling for so long and a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I didn’t know what to do with everything I had written, but knew I had to do something, and that’s how this blog came to be.  After contemplating for what felt like years about whether or not I should share it, I decided to do it.  This might just be  what keeps me sober no matter how vulnerable it makes me.  I was a prisoner to alcohol and I knew that the only thing that was going to free me was admitting the one thing I didn’t want to:  I am an alcoholic.  I don’t think anyone really wants to admit that, but I was terrified.  I was terrified of what everyone would think.  I was terrified of what my parents would do.  As I have mentioned in this blog, I think they had an idea, but didn’t really want to believe it.  It wasn’t something I wanted to believe either, but there comes a point where you have to surrender.  The fight gets too hard and it starts to show in everything you do.  Getting out of bed becomes harder and harder every day, and the things you used to enjoy don’t do anything for you anymore.  That’s where I was, and I hope to never be there again as long as I live.   As hard as starting this journey was, posting this blog and walking into that first meeting was the best choice I have made to date.  Through both of those things I have found that what I thought was my biggest weakness has actually become my greatest strength.  I may not have it all together, and I may wear my flaws on my sleeve for everyone to see, but that’s ok.  At least I am alive, and at least I wake up every morning as a sober person.  Those are things that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. 

I am sure there are some of you who have wondered if I am still sober.  I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I am happy to say that I am more sober now than ever.  I was thinking a couple days ago about what it felt like to be drunk and I couldn’t remember.  It’s a weird feeling.  Something that I used to feel and crave every day is now just something that sits on the shelf at the store.  I have defeated it.  I won.  Something that I thought I could never do, I have done.  I remember waking up on day one wondering if I was going to make it to midnight, and now I have made it one whole year.  It’s a surreal feeling, and not something that I will take for granted ever again.  Every morning that I get up sober is a gift, and the promises that I was given at the start have all been given to me. 

As I think about the things I have learned over the year, I have realized that I didn’t know myself at all.  This year has kind of been a “getting to know Amelia” year.  Things that I thought I hated, I actually love, and things that I thought I loved, I actually hate.  I have also realized this year how much my parents love me, and that even in moments when I wasn’t very lovable, their love never changed.  They have always been there for me, I was just to selfish to see it.  This year my relationship with both of them has grown ten fold.  The road hasn’t always been easy for my dad and I, and I am realizing now just how much he has done for me and how much I put him through.  I am sure there were times that he wanted to give up.  I am also sure there were many nights where he laid awake wondering if I was ok.  I wish I could go back and take away the pain I have caused, but am also grateful every day that I have been given another chance to make up for it all.  I know that God gave me my dad for a reason.  He knew I needed someone that was a fighter, and he knew my dad would fight for me.  For my one year sobriety date my dad wrote me a letter that has changed my life.  This letter is something that I will keep with me every single day until I am old and gray and can’t read anymore.  It will be this letter that will get me through the hard times in life that are sure to come.  It went like this…

Amelia, my wonderful shining star!

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “The hero is no braver than the ordinary man or woman, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

Thank you for being my Hero and for being brave five minutes longer every day over the past year of sobriety.  This is no small quest and I couldn’t be more proud or love you more than I do today.

You are an inspiration to so many, but especially me.  It is hard for dads to sit on the sidelines and watch his children go through difficulty, but I know that because you did it under your own choice it has made you stronger than if anyone else told you to do it.  You are a remarkable woman.

As I sat on the sidelines and watched, you just need to know that my prayers have always been there every day for you because that is the way I felt I could help the most.  I had the quite peace of understanding that Heavenly Father was watching and helping from the Heavens above and he knows you and loves you even more than me if that were even possible to my finite mind.  You are the most beautiful woman with talents and compassion and personality that makes you one of the worlds finest.  Even as far as you have come, you will need to continue this journey in the years ahead and I will be right with you all the way.  My hopes and dreams for you are the ones that only a Father can dream for his children and my hope for you in the years ahead is to find love, joy, and happiness that will be the fulfilling crown of your life.

I love you Amelia Bedilia, my beautiful little Brown Eyed girl that I love more than I can express.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.”…You must do the next thing you think you can not do.”

What more can I say to you other than the fact that you and I have many more miles to go together on this journey before we sleep and for this Dad that is my greatest joy to journey with you in this wonderful experience we call life.

After all, Family is the most important gift I have.

God Bless you always,

Love Dad

I have read that every single day since I received it, and I am so happy that my heart has softened enough to let now just my dad in, but everyone else in my life.  I don't go to bed with regrets anymore and even though things aren't perfect, they are getting better every day.  All I know is I am one blessed and grateful alcoholic.

That’s all for now my friends.  I will continue on tomorrow and will start writing more often.  Thank you so much for being there for me over the year.  I am more grateful than you can ever imagine.  Love you all… xoxoxo

Amelia