I Can Do Hard Things

Before I made the decisionto become sober, I was extremely afraid mostly because I had convinced myself over the years that I couldn't do hard things.  Whether it be losing weight, school, relationships, or becoming sober, I had talked myself into thinking that I would fail because thats what the past had proven.  When I hit rock bottom in November of 2013, I decided that having a pity party wasn't going to help, and I had to change my way of thinking if I was going to get anywhere.  Not only that, but I had to be honest to myself, my loved ones, and be open to the fact that something out there could help me quit drinking.  It was clear that I could not do it alone.  Alcohol had completely taken over, and although I was good at hiding it on the outside, I was screaming on the inside.

From my very first drink on my 21st birthday I was hooked.  At the time, obviously, I didn't know this, but as I look back, I see it very clear.  From the moment I woke up I was excited about the drink I was going to have that day.  At first it was a lot of partying and high bar tabs, but as time went on it slowly got out of control and I could no longer go a day without it.  I hid bottles all over the house, in my car, coffee mugs, under the bed, inside my purse, or wherever I could put them where I wouldn't be exposed.  Throwing up became part of my morning ritual, and although I told myself every day that I was not going to drink that day, there I was in line at the liquor store with my few pints of cheap vodka a few hours later.  As I look back on those days, I am so grateful that even through my foggy mind I made the choice to go to AA.


Over the past 18 months of sobriety I have proven to myself that I can, in fact, do hard things.  I have proven to myself that the original idea I had about myself is completely false.  I have also found that its ok to ask for help.  It's ok to fall apart, and it's ok to not always be OK.  Falling apart is the perfect time to rebuild yourself just the way God intended for you to be.  It took a while to truly believe those things, and there are certainly days where self-doubt starts to settle in, but on those days I try to remember an experience I had a few years back...

I became a CNA in 2008 after my grandma got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  Although I am not doing CNA work anymore, I know that there are certain reasons why I was supposed to work that job, one of then being one of my patients, Sandy.  Sandy was in a car accident, which left her a quadrapolegic.  She was quite young, and because of her condition she relied on the nurses and CNA's to take care of most things that you and I do so easily.  The thing about Sandy is she was always so happy.  She never complained about her situation.  One night as I was putting her to bed I asked her how she kept such great attitude.  She went on to tell me how it is a conscious decision every single day.  I've fallen back on those words from time to time over the last 18 months as I have become sober.  Every day you have to make the decision that staying sober is the only option because YOU are worth it, and you deserve to be happy.  Those decisions don't come easy though, and every day won't be perfect, but like anything worth fighting for it's "progress not perfection."  It starts with believing in something greater than yourself that help you make it through the day.  In an article Sandy wrote about her accident she said this...

"Up until that moment in my life, I had always believed in God, but He was a God who helped other people, not me.  Somehow I had reached the conclusion that I was not good enough for God to love.  I believed in my salvation, but not that God was interested in my worthless life that I had made such a mess of.  I was ashamed of me and my life, and felt totally worthless. 

When God came to see me in my hospital room, I learned the truth.  The room was filled with love, and I don’t mean a little love.  The room was so full of love that there was literally no room for fear or doubt or any other negative emotion.  I knew that all my sins were forgiven.  There was no room for them in that room.  And I knew, for the first time, how much God truly loves me and wants to be part of my life.  I was extremely humbled that the God of the universe would take time out of His busy schedule to visit me, a new quadriplegic in the hospital.  From that point on, I knew no fear of the future or what I had to face.  I knew I would never be alone. If God is for you, who can be against you?"

At the time I read this, I was heavy in my addiction, so I didn't take from it what I do now.  When I went to my first AA meeting I remember feeling scared and hopeless, but relied on the pure fact that I could not stay sober alone and I needed help. To date, that has been the best decision I have ever made for myself.  I am accountable for my decisions, and I know that it all starts and ends with me.  I am happy.  I love getting up every day and sharing my story.  Recovery is not easy, but it can be done.  Hard things can be done.  

Heavy in addiction

Now!!!