Day 126 and My 30th Birthday

I absolutely love Sunday mornings.  I get up whenever I want, make some coffee, and usually just hang around with Annie watching numerous movies on Netflix.  I dont think life gets much better than that.  It feels SO good not being hungover anymore on Sundays.  I am getting used to it, but like I said in my last post, I need to remember and be grateful for these small things.  Having said that, it brings me to what I learned last night.

For the last little while I have been wondering what I am going to do on my 30th birthday.  It is so weird that I am turning 30 in six months.  Weird.  Kinda scary to be honest.  When I was in high school I never imagined my life would be where it is now when I would turn 30.  I saw myself married for 10 years, a few kids, being a stay at home mom.  That is what I was always taught to do.  My life has turned out much different, but I am ok with that.  I know that I am exactly where I need to be right here in this moment.  Last year when I turned 29 I remember talking to a friend about what I would do when I turned 30.  I thought maybe going to Vegas would be fun, maybe a cruise, but whatever it was I planned on being completely smashed.  I mean, come on, its my 30th birthday!  Plans changed.  Now that I am sober, I just don't know what I am going to do.  This is the hardest thing about the sobriety process.  I truly know that there is a reason why they say take it one day at a time.  It sometimes drives me crazy thinking about the fact that I am never going to drink again.  It's weird.  I start thinking of things like parties and trips, and I wonder if I could stay sober.  I am doing so well just going about my daily grind here in SLC, but what if I went on a trip?  What if I went to a big party down in Vegas?  Those things have not been thrown my way yet, and it is scary to me.  I don't want to be the type to just sit in my house and not do anything because I can't drink.  I can feel myself healing, and I think I am doing all the right things, but I guess you are never 100% sure.  Last night Billy came over and my 30th birthday came up.  I asked him what we should do.  We threw out some ideas, one being a cruise.  I immediately got weird, I could feel it.  My mind went back to the last cruise I went on in March of 2011 where I was a complete drunk mess for 6 days.  Getting off of the boat and paying a $1500 alcohol bill is never fun.  How could I ever take a cruise and not drink?  Its everywhere.  The booze on those ships is insane.  I mentioned some of those things to Billy and he said,  "Amelia, just keep yourself busy with other things like excursions and the other fun things they have on the boat."  Being the sweet man he is, he was just saying what he thought was the right thing.  Unfortunately, he isn't an alcoholic, so he doesn't think the way I do.  I would want to drink, and I am wondering if that part is ever REALLY going to go away.  Some days I feel like I am totally good, and I feel repelled by alcohol, but other days I just don't know how I am going to make it forever.  That's a long time.  I mentioned that to him, which probably wasn't the best because he was just trying to say the right thing, and he apologized.  How rude of me.  As we continued talking, I kind of explained what my thought process is, and he started to understand.  We had a fantastic talk.  I love that I can just talk to him and tell him what is going on in my crazy mind and he does whatever he can to help.  He is an absolutely amazing, one of a kind man.  I will say again that I am lucky to call him my best friend.  As we were talking I realized the exact reason why they say take it one day at a time. Looking ahead and thinking about how long forever is will drive you nuts.  And it surely doesn't do you any good to sit and wonder what it will be like in 5 years when you are at your friends surprise 40th.  Those things will drive you insane.  What I have is today, and today I am going to be sober.  I will not think about tomorrow, or 6 months from now.  All I have is today.  As the night went on I kinda forgot about the conversation and went on to other things.  Billy has a way of just making things fun and comfortable no matter what.  We watched a movie, then at about midnight we decided we wanted ice cream.  Not knowing what would be open, we drove to the movie theater down the street thinking that maybe the ice cream shop was still open inside.  It wasn't, which was ok because it took us to Walmart where we got a half gallon of cookies n cream and some cones and made our own ice cream cones.  I haven't done that in forever.  It wasn't on my diet, but thats ok.  I wanted ice cream, and a girl has got to live!  We sat there and ate those ice cream cones and just laughed and talked til 1:30am.  It was awesome.  Sometime during that time I remember thinking, this is what its all about.  Being in the moment eating a damn ice cream cone.  That's exactly where I was.  I was right there, not even thinking about what 5 minutes later would bring, nor did I care.  When Billy left I just smiled.  I was so happy to have had such a fun night of movies and ice cream and no booze.  Lesson learned?  Live in the here and now.  Because it is true when the say "just for today".

Now, having said all of what I just said, an idea popped into my mind.  It occurred to me that I have always wanted to run a marathon.  Always.  I have already done a few halfs, but my goal is to do a full.  There it was.  For my 30th birthday I am going to run a marathon.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate.  I told Billy the idea and he was like "Duh!  What were we even thinking?  This is genius!"  He came with me last year to my half in Moab, so he is totally on board with this. I was planning on doing the Moab half this year, but didn't plan well enough and that fell through. I decided that this needs to be well planned, trained, and thought out.  Thinking of those things, I layed in bed with what one I could maybe do, and then I fell asleep.  Today I got up early and started looking.  I searched every state, race, etc. Then I started thinking about the cities that I love the most, or want to visit.  Seattle and Portland both crossed my mind.  I don't really want to stay in Utah for this race, I think traveling is a must.  Thats when I found it, the perfect race for me for my 30th birthday.  And here she is...

The Portland Marathon, October 5, 2014.  Perfect.

As soon as I searched for this it just felt right.  I have planned so many marathons in the past and never completed my goal.  I always got so sidetracked with work and school, and being an alcoholic who is actively drinking doesn't help either. Over all these attempts I have never found the time to do it.  I can't think of a better thing to do to celebrate my 30th birthday.  So, I am in.  I am thinking that having Annie and Billy there at the finish line is all I will need.  And what a fun drive!  I am so excited.  Maybe I am cheating by looking to the future, but I guess with it being a marathon, its ok ;)  So the training and planning begins.  We are 6 months out, and I couldn't be more excited.

Side note: OK, so I am going to insert this photo of Annie that I just took.  Every time I blog she sits behind me on the couch and just stares intently at the computer, almost like she is reading it.  I love it.

So, that is that my friends.  Today begins a little bit of running, and planning for another move.  My lease runs out on April 30th, and I am determined to find my own apartment and be able to afford it.  I know I can.  We can do ANYTHING we set our mind to!!!  Love you all.

Amelia

  

4 Months

When they say that as time goes by it gets easier, its true.  It does.  It seems like yesterday I was at my 90 day, and now I am at 122.  I am really getting used to not drinking anymore.  When people drink around me, I don't get tempted.  Now, am I ready to be alone in the same house with a bottle of liquor? No.  I don't think I will ever be.  Hence why I am an alcoholic. I am just glad that I don't feel as much anxiety when someone is drinking a beer around me anymore.  It makes me realize how far I have come when I can sit with someone and not want to crack open a beer with them. Its not that I purposely put myself in front of alcohol, but my roomie drinks, so its hard to escape it at times.  She's great about not putting it in my face though which is good, and she has been super supportive.  I know though that I am sober "just for today", and still need to take it 24 hours at a time.  You never know what could happen, or what tomorrow will bring.

It seems like I am learning so much through doing the 12 steps.  I thought that in the first 30 days I had learned most of what I needed to know, and I had myself all figured out. Then when I got to 90 days I thought for sure I had it all nailed down.  Now at 122 days I have realized that I was just at the tip of the iceberg.  I can't believe the things that have surfaced in just the last few weeks since I had that horrible experience.  The biggest thing I have learned?  How to let go, which is so hard. Damn it's hard. I have let go of a lot the last few weeks, and shed a lot of baggage that I didn't even know I was still hanging on to.  I think that the alcoholic side of my brain likes to tell me that I want to go back and revisit old times in my life and hang on to them.  It has made me feel at times that maybe I do want to get back together with Jason, and has made me forget all the reasons why I left that relationship.  Then when I actually sat down and thought about it..... I realized I don't want to go back to that experience at all.  Not one bit.  I think the alcoholic side of my brain will always feed me insane thoughts, but the difference between me now, and where I was at 30 days, is I can recognize the difference when they enter my brain, and I have learned the tools to be ok with it and let it go.  I am a pretty strong person, but I know my life would spiral out of control again if I were to go back to things of my past.  Its like putting a man addicted to sex in bed next to a naked woman.  Its not gonna work, and it surely would not be good for him to do that to himself.  So, through letting go of past feelings, although difficult, its been so freeing.  I feel like how I did when I quit drinking.  Like I was taking off my handcuffs.  I didn't have to check into jail every night and drink a fifth of vodka.  I have let go of things from the past and realized that there is nothing about it that I want or need.  I still have a ways to go, but there has been definite headway. Although some of the experiences were definitely negative, I can always find the reason why it was a positive for my life at the current moment. Each one has shaped me into the person I am and I will not live with regrets.  I saw this quote recently and it completely resonated with me....

I am not sure if truth has ever been spoken more. Letting go of what you CAN'T or WILL NOT be able to change is  a seriously happy moment. Yep, happy :)

Last week one of my best friends Lindsy got married and I was able to go to her reception.  I tend to be quite the home body, so I wasn't the most excited to go out, but I did anyway.  I knew I needed to, plus, it might be good to dress up for once.  Usually before going to a wedding, or any party for that matter, I always kept a pint of popov vodka in my bag.  I usually had one pint down before I got there.  That is how I had fun.  This was the first real "event" I had been to where I was completely sober, and it was actually ok.  I felt ok.  I didn't have any real anxiety.  After I got home from the party I was going through some of my facebook photos of when I used to party a lot, and I found some that blew me away....  I compared them to the one I took that night at the wedding and it made me cry.  I have been so emotional since I got sober, especially when I see photos like this...

You guys, I don't know who that girl is. I don't know her. She is an insecure, selfish, dishonest, addict. Like I said before, I don't regret my past, but I also never wish to revisit it. I feel like my life is so much fuller now. This is the real amelia, and I am so glad I have found her. 

What a process this has been, and what a blessing it is to wake up every day. Ever since daylight savings it has been so hard for me to get out of bed. On day 114 it was especially hard. I must have pressed snooze at least 12 times. Finally, I just got up. It was weird though because as I was sitting on the edge of my bed I opened my sobriety app and saw that I was on day 114. It was in that moment that I was no longer angry. This was the 114th day in a row that I was waking up without a hangover. Those are things that I need to remember and be grateful for. Those hangovers were terrible and they are now gone. After remembering that I was no longer angry to get up. I was grateful that I had a clear mind and was able to face the day with no regrets from the night before. 

I am so grateful that I have been able to share my experience and struggles to those around me. I can't wait to be able to sponsor someone else and help them. I have learned through Cindee and other addicts in AA that it is truly through serving others that we feel our best. We are all damaged people in a way, and need to be there for each other. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, binging and purging, etc etc.... We all just need to be aware of those around us. You never know what someone struggles with. If you all weren't aware of me, I wouldn't be sober. So, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It is a gift to me. I love you all.... 

Amelia

Day, whatever :)

It's 4am and yes I am writing a post.  I am so full of happiness that I didn't care about the time. I'm just happy and needed to write. I'm not counting the days today. As I lay here I am incredibly grateful for Billy. He's my angel. I'm so blessed that I get to call him my best friend. God is amazing for all the wonderful gifts he has given me. I feel blessed beyond belief. Life is good. Sobriety rocks. Billy, well he's just amazing. 

I went to a beautiful wedding reception last night for one of my dearesr friends and I am so happy for her.  It was awesome to be there as a sober person. Yay! It felt so good to dress up and I couldn't believe it when I squeezed into a size 3. I feel so healthy and clear. I've said that a lot but I just do. Life is fantastic. I'm going to post some pics from the last few weeks. :) Love you all!!! 

Amelia

Day 114

 Living the sober life.  Wow.  I didn't even realize how fun it was going to be.  There have been some major bumps in the road for sure, but I've gotten through every one of them, and I have felt things that I haven't felt in years.  These 114 days have been amazing.  When they say that sobriety gives you everything you were looking for in alcohol, its true.  I feel like I have been given everything and more.  I am so happy.  Since daylight savings on Sunday I have had the hardest time getting up.  Mornings have never been my thing anyway, but this hour change has made it even worse.  It seems extra dark in the morning.  Today I woke up and was immediately bugged.  I must have pushed snooze 11 times.  The last time my alarm went off I picked my phone up, and then I realized that I hadn't looked at my sobriety app in a few days.  I forgot for a sec how many days it had been.  When I opened it up and saw that I had been sober for 114 days I got a huge smile.  Before I became sober I had a hangover every single morning.  There wasn't a day that I wasn't hung over.  And for some reason I got really bad anxiety when I was hung over.  Between the throwing up, puffiness, and anxiety I was a ball of mess every morning. It was in that moment this morning that I realized I wasn't hung over.  I was clear.  I wasn't sick, and I wasn't going to get up and vomit in the shower.  I was waking up sober for the 114th day in a row as a sober person.  That, my friends, is why I believe in miracles, and also what got me out of bed a happy person this morning.  I forgot how much I hated getting up at 6:30.  I was a grateful alcoholic.  So, here's to day 114.  Thank you God for this blessing I have been given.

The past week since my little mishap has been great.  I have decided to just move forward and let go.  I had so many negative thoughts and was thinking so many negative things about Jason last weekend, and it didn't do anything but bring me down.  I have been doing my best to move past it as hard as it is.  I have had lot of people just say "Amelia, come one just move on", but its not that easy.  I am doing it, but its not easy for me and never has been.  Thats a huge reason why I drank.  I hate letting go.  This week I have been praying to God to help me be able to look to the future and remember the good things that I am leaving behind.  Letting go doesn't necessarily mean saying goodbye.  Letting go is just being happy for the experience you had and being able to look toward the future.  It feels good knowing that I am able to let go with Gods help.  I wish no harm toward Jason, and want him to be happy no matter who he is with.  I know that I will find that happiness, it just may take a little while for me to break down this wall around my heart, which is only possible with God on my side.  I have been able to notice him a lot lately in my life.  A few days ago I looked down at my phone at a stop light and the glare coming in from the sun shining on my serenity prayer necklace was amazing.  I had to snap a photo.  Its the little things like this that let me know that God is with me.  I believe that he truly was the ray of light that was shining on me that day.  So beautiful.  I am glad I am able to notice the simple things now in my life.  Unfortunately, the bad part with that experience last weekend is my writing has taken a little hit.  I haven't had the urge to write really for a few days.  My sponsor has had me write every day for an hour, and I have done really well up until last weekend.  I couldn't write.  I am glad I am back on my feet again and feeling good.  I have the greatest sponsor in the world and I am so grateful for step work.  I am grateful for my sobriety.

Marlee passed out spread eagle 

I was able to stay at my oldest sister Amanda's house over the weekend and babysit her dog.  To me, that's heaven.  To have two dogs in my possession for a few days?  Bliss.  I love her little yorkie Marlee.  She is precious.  Plus, it was nice to get away and be by myself for a couple days.  Sometimes there is nothing like being alone.  I love my roomie to pieces, but you know what I mean.  On Saturday night Billy came over and hung out with me, and he even brought me a vegan pizza.  Sweet huh?  He is the best "best friend" in the world.  The pizza was shockingly good.  Weird huh?  I thought it might taste like cardboard but it didn't.  I have found there are so many amazing things that you can eat as a vegan.  It feels so good that I can actually eat healthy now and not have to worry about calculating alcohol calories in.  I do NOT miss those days.  It gives me the worst anxiety still remembering those days.  I am so glad that I am not bound to that anymore.  I can just feed my body healthy and actually feel healthy.  I am so happy that I have been staying true to what I have a passion for as well, and that is animals.  I am finally being true to myself, which is a foreign feeling to me.  Yay.


So that's that.  Not much else going on.  Oh.... well, on kind of a crappy note my endometriosis is back.  I am going to the doctor next Thursday, then surgery a few weeks after that.  Yuck.  It's ok though, at least this pain will go away.  At least I can be grateful that I have health insurance that can pay for it and a good doctor to perform the surgery.  There is always things to be grateful for even in bad circumstances.  I love you all, and I hope this blog finds you well. :) xoxoxo

Amelia, and of course Annie :)

Day 108

Hey guys, I'm back.  I figured maybe I should wait until I am feeling a little bit more positive before I write again.  I know this is an honest blog, and its mine, but I also don't want to come off as the most negative person in the world.  I had a bad day on Sunday.  I guess we are all entitled to a "no good very bad day" right?  I am especially not really fond of Sunday nights anyway, and I knew I had a long week of overtime ahead of me, so there was no way around the negativity that night.  I think bad days are good to have every once in a while though because you find things out about yourself.  Well, at least in sobriety you do because you have to learn other ways to cope besides running to the bottle. It's amazing the things I have learned about myself since I got sober, and I listed them last night.  Here are a few of those things...

1.  I have spent way too much time trying to please other people in my life and be accepted. This is a huge reason why I drank so much.  I think that it all kind of started in high school and middle school because I never really felt like I fit in.  I expanded on that on a previous blog I think, but it goes a lot deeper than I ever thought it did.  My grades sucked and I didn't know why no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get good grades.  There were so many times I thought I was slightly retarded.  I could never match up to the girls that got 4.0's and scholarships and were seminary presidents.  That wasn't me.  I was more of the rebellious type.  My personality has always been more spunky, but it got me in trouble.  And then my wedding in 2004.  I have felt that there was obviously something wrong with me which is why Bryce did not want to marry me at the last second.  Then on to Joe, he didn't want me either.  Then Jason, he didn't want me either.  Through all these relationships I have realized that I have done some crazy things to win approval.  With Joe I went to esthetics school because he always talked about how cute he thought estheticians were.  So I started.  Did I really want to be an esthetician?  No.  I mean, I think at the time I thought I did, but now that I look back, I didn't.  Which is why I really don't do it much.  Then there is Jason.  There were numerous occasions where he told me "If only you had a degree things would be so much better".  He was always very into the business world and being successful in that way.  That's why I started going to nursing school.  I mean, I can't say that I didn't love being a CNA, because I honestly had some amazing experiences and wouldn't trade it for the world.  However, I don't want to be a nurse.  I think the only reason why I went to school was so Jason would accept me.  In all reality, I hate school.  I am not a good student, never have been, and I don't think that having a degree is everything.  I was willing to do anything though to try and get him to accept me.  When Billy and I were talking on Saturday night it finally clicked, and I think I said out loud, "When I think about mine and Jason's relationship there are so many things that I do NOT want.  So many.  I can't take the lies, and I can't take feeling like I am not good enough.  I think maybe the only reason why I wanted to see him was so that maybe he would finally accept me being skinny and sober."  It was so weird because when I said that it was almost like God yelled at me "YES AMELIA! That is exactly right!".  Because its true!  I don't want that relationship back!  There were so many good things, but there were also so many shitty things that I could never deal with!  Ever!  I don't think I really expanded in my last blog about what happened over the weekend..... but basically, I found out Jason has a girlfriend on FB.  It caught me off guard because of all the lovey texts he has sent me recently, but it was also a good thing because it reassured to me that that is one of the reasons why I left the relationship, the lies, and the double life.  I have taken a lot of blame and put it on myself with that relationship when the truth is, it wasn't all my fault.  I put up with a lot.  More than most girls ever would.  It certainly takes two to tango, but I am done taking the blame for the whole thing.  So, on Sunday I got rid of every last thing that I still had that reminded me of Jason.  Every picture, email, EVERYTHING.  It was good, and it felt right.  I am so glad that I am sober because if I wasn't then I would never realize these things about myself and be able to move forward.  I would continue the same pattern my whole life and would probably drink myself to death.  The truth is, I am good enough just the way I am.  I don't need a degree, or to be the richest girl in the world to be accepted.  I am awesome just the way God made me, and He has told me that :).

2.  I have a huge passion for animals, and I want to work with them in some way.  Turns out, I don't want to be a nurse.  I don't.  I am not passionate about it, and I certainly don't want to spend my life doing something that I don't love.  I have switched to a vegan diet and it has been the easiest thing in the world for me because I am passionate about it.  This is a foreign feeling to me.  I remember going to esthetics school and my nursing classes and dreading it.  I didn't want to be there, and its because I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for someone else.  I know that I want to work with animals in some way and I plan on making it my career in life.  I've got big things ahead and I feel it.

3.  I want to have a close relationship with God.  I think in my past I have been known to shut Him out because of selfish reasons.  I wanted people to think I was this tough girl who didn't need a God, when in reality I did.  I do know that I am not a person who wants religion in my life, but I do need spirituality, and I do need God.  I know that I wouldn't be sober today if it weren't for a God that works miracles every single day.  When people ask me if I believe in miracles I say yes because I am one.

4.  And last.... I don't want to have kids.  This one was the one that was the hardest for me to face because I hate letting people down.  With growing up in a Mormon household, having a family is really important to the culture.  It is what they live for.  I have tried to talk myself into thinking that maybe I do, but I have realized that I don't.  I am not a mom, and that is ok, not everyone is.  I love animals, and I plan to have a few dogs, but I will not bear children of my own.  You have no idea how many times over the years people have said to me "Amelia you will change your mind I promise!  How could you not want a kid?  I promise you will want one just wait a few years until you find the right man."  The problem with those statements are I actually won't change my mind, and I want to find someone who also doesn't want kids.  I want to build a house and have a big yard with lots of room for my dogs to run around.  Every time I am around kids it is confirmed to me over and over that I am not a mom, and that is ok!  Not everyone is.  I used to make myself feel so guilty for having these feelings.  I would pray to God and ask him to help me feel different, and I never did.  I would fake it at times, but it wasn't real.  I would look at my friends pics on FB of their kids, and I just didn't feel it.  I didn't want one.  That motherly instinct just has never kicked in for me, and I don't anticipate it to.  The thing is I know I will have just as happy of a life as a person who has kids.  I know that I love kids, and even if I find someone who has some kids of their own that would be ok.  I would be a great grandma to them and also a good step-mom if they are older.  But as far as having my own, that's out of the picture.

So there they are.  4 of the biggest things that I have learned about me.  And also 4 of the reasons why I drank so much because I was never true to myself and wanted to please other people by NOT doing those things.  I am so happy that I have the steps in my life to help me realize so much about myself and have these shifts.  Sometimes a negative day can also be a good day in a lot of ways.  I am grateful for life now because I really do have a good one.  I have so many good friends and family.  I have a few things that I need to work out to make all my dreams come true, but I am hopeful and have faith that they will happen.  I love you all.  Prayers and blessings being sent your way :)

Amelia 

Day 105

I don't even know where to start with this blog.  I am crying so hard right now I can barely see the keys to type. I don't even know what I am feeling.  Anger?  Sadness? Betrayal? I am a whole ball of emotions with no relief it feels like.  In AA they teach you to pray in times like these, and to be honest I haven't been able to.  Every time I get on my knees I just cry, and I don't feel like God is listening to me.  I feel lost.  I have felt so put together the past 105 days, and now I feel like I am starting over at day 1.  The one thing that I can say is that I have kept my sobriety.  That is one thing that I do have control of right now.  Other than that, I'm just not ok.  I don't feel like God is hearing me when I pray.  I feel like a fool, and I feel like I have been slapped in the face.  There are pivotal moments in a humans life that change you, and I have certainly had one of those.

Where do I even start.  Where do I even fucking start.  I have a certain unnamed person in my life that has told me on numerous occasions, "Amelia, one day you just won't care anymore.  I call it the "fuck its".  You won't care what anyone thinks of you.  Things won't phase you.  Once you have been burned so many times, it happens.  And you'll know when it does.".  Well, it happened.  Literally, I don't care.  I am done caring.  I am done having feelings for people.  I am done feeling like I am always in the wrong.  I am done trying to prove to everyone that I am a good person.  I am done trying to feel accepted and loved, and I am certainly done taking the blame for everything.  Ugh, I'm just done with it, the whole thing.  Maybe that is the most negative thing I could ever say, but its true.  To be honest, it is quite liberating to feel this way, and I think that it is going to help me in the coming months.  Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I guess the only good thing I can say is I am incredibly thankful for Billy.  He came over last night and stayed with me til almost 2:00am.  He is the very last hope in humanity I have, and is sent from God.  The last shred of trust I have in men is in Billy, and I don't anticipate myself changing any time soon.  It is going to take an army of angels to knock down the walls around my heart that I have now put up. I am tired of being second and being let down.  I am tired of being lied to and betrayed.  I'm just tired, I have nothing left to give.  After Billy and I talked last night I felt pretty good, but then like a ton of bricks all the sadness and anger returned.  I don't really know what else to blog about.  I am trying to be positive, but tonight I'm not.  God help me.

Amelia