Day 114

 Living the sober life.  Wow.  I didn't even realize how fun it was going to be.  There have been some major bumps in the road for sure, but I've gotten through every one of them, and I have felt things that I haven't felt in years.  These 114 days have been amazing.  When they say that sobriety gives you everything you were looking for in alcohol, its true.  I feel like I have been given everything and more.  I am so happy.  Since daylight savings on Sunday I have had the hardest time getting up.  Mornings have never been my thing anyway, but this hour change has made it even worse.  It seems extra dark in the morning.  Today I woke up and was immediately bugged.  I must have pushed snooze 11 times.  The last time my alarm went off I picked my phone up, and then I realized that I hadn't looked at my sobriety app in a few days.  I forgot for a sec how many days it had been.  When I opened it up and saw that I had been sober for 114 days I got a huge smile.  Before I became sober I had a hangover every single morning.  There wasn't a day that I wasn't hung over.  And for some reason I got really bad anxiety when I was hung over.  Between the throwing up, puffiness, and anxiety I was a ball of mess every morning. It was in that moment this morning that I realized I wasn't hung over.  I was clear.  I wasn't sick, and I wasn't going to get up and vomit in the shower.  I was waking up sober for the 114th day in a row as a sober person.  That, my friends, is why I believe in miracles, and also what got me out of bed a happy person this morning.  I forgot how much I hated getting up at 6:30.  I was a grateful alcoholic.  So, here's to day 114.  Thank you God for this blessing I have been given.

The past week since my little mishap has been great.  I have decided to just move forward and let go.  I had so many negative thoughts and was thinking so many negative things about Jason last weekend, and it didn't do anything but bring me down.  I have been doing my best to move past it as hard as it is.  I have had lot of people just say "Amelia, come one just move on", but its not that easy.  I am doing it, but its not easy for me and never has been.  Thats a huge reason why I drank.  I hate letting go.  This week I have been praying to God to help me be able to look to the future and remember the good things that I am leaving behind.  Letting go doesn't necessarily mean saying goodbye.  Letting go is just being happy for the experience you had and being able to look toward the future.  It feels good knowing that I am able to let go with Gods help.  I wish no harm toward Jason, and want him to be happy no matter who he is with.  I know that I will find that happiness, it just may take a little while for me to break down this wall around my heart, which is only possible with God on my side.  I have been able to notice him a lot lately in my life.  A few days ago I looked down at my phone at a stop light and the glare coming in from the sun shining on my serenity prayer necklace was amazing.  I had to snap a photo.  Its the little things like this that let me know that God is with me.  I believe that he truly was the ray of light that was shining on me that day.  So beautiful.  I am glad I am able to notice the simple things now in my life.  Unfortunately, the bad part with that experience last weekend is my writing has taken a little hit.  I haven't had the urge to write really for a few days.  My sponsor has had me write every day for an hour, and I have done really well up until last weekend.  I couldn't write.  I am glad I am back on my feet again and feeling good.  I have the greatest sponsor in the world and I am so grateful for step work.  I am grateful for my sobriety.

Marlee passed out spread eagle 

I was able to stay at my oldest sister Amanda's house over the weekend and babysit her dog.  To me, that's heaven.  To have two dogs in my possession for a few days?  Bliss.  I love her little yorkie Marlee.  She is precious.  Plus, it was nice to get away and be by myself for a couple days.  Sometimes there is nothing like being alone.  I love my roomie to pieces, but you know what I mean.  On Saturday night Billy came over and hung out with me, and he even brought me a vegan pizza.  Sweet huh?  He is the best "best friend" in the world.  The pizza was shockingly good.  Weird huh?  I thought it might taste like cardboard but it didn't.  I have found there are so many amazing things that you can eat as a vegan.  It feels so good that I can actually eat healthy now and not have to worry about calculating alcohol calories in.  I do NOT miss those days.  It gives me the worst anxiety still remembering those days.  I am so glad that I am not bound to that anymore.  I can just feed my body healthy and actually feel healthy.  I am so happy that I have been staying true to what I have a passion for as well, and that is animals.  I am finally being true to myself, which is a foreign feeling to me.  Yay.


So that's that.  Not much else going on.  Oh.... well, on kind of a crappy note my endometriosis is back.  I am going to the doctor next Thursday, then surgery a few weeks after that.  Yuck.  It's ok though, at least this pain will go away.  At least I can be grateful that I have health insurance that can pay for it and a good doctor to perform the surgery.  There is always things to be grateful for even in bad circumstances.  I love you all, and I hope this blog finds you well. :) xoxoxo

Amelia, and of course Annie :)