Time and Space. Day 142

This blog is a hard one for me to write.  I haven't written in a while, and for those of you who have sent texts wondering if everything is ok, thank you, and yes, everything will be ok.  The reason for me not writing isn't because I have relapsed, but I won't lie and say that there haven't been some close calls.  There is a reason why they say to stick with the program, and those reasons have become very apparent to me over the last month.  Even though I am still sober, I haven't done as well I should be with the work and meetings.  I haven't had any motivation, and to be honest, I haven't wanted to be around anyone.  Through not attending meetings and doing the "work", I have realized how bad I need it.  Just when you think you are on top of the world and can do anything, the addictive side of your brain proves you wrong.  I truly thank God for the AA community and the support they provide.  I am still pretty new to this, and I don't know everything, even if I think I do sometimes.

You are probably wondering what the title of this blog means.  Well, exactly how you are reading it.  Time and space, and seriously, for me, that is one of the hardest things in the world to do.  I know that sometimes it is necessary, but it is not something that you would ever anticipate having to do with the person you love the most in this world.

Along with realizing how much I need the AA program in my life, another thing I have learned this month is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, people just aren't going to understand where you are coming from.  It doesn't mean that either of you are wrong or right, but somewhere along the line your wavelengths became off and you no longer can see eye to eye.  That is the moment when space and time is necessary.  How this happens?  I don't know, but it does, and it is exactly what has happened with my mom and I.  As you all have read on my previous blogs, my mom is my best friend.  There is no one in this world that I love more than her.  One of the moments I realized how much I truly love my mom was last September when she broke her leg.  I happened to be working at the time I got the call, and it was like someone called and told me that she died.  I collapsed in the hall.  I haven't been that upset, ever.  Just knowing that my mom was in an ambulance with a broken femur made me sick.  And not just because I hated knowing the pain she was in, but because for a second there I got a glimpse of my life without her in it.  Even typing that out makes me cry, because I really don't know what I would do.  I think I would crawl in the casket and go with her.  Because of how much I love her, when she says things to me it affects me differently than if another person were to say the same exact thing.  For instance, if my friend called me and told me that she was disappointed in me for something, I would say sorry and move on real quick.  If my mom called me and said she was disappointed in me for the exact same thing, I completely fall apart.  I lose it.  It makes me want to drink, and NOT because of her, but because I hate to disappoint my mom.  I hate it.  I feel like I have failed in life if I disappoint her.  Maybe its because she is my mom, but I get so angry with myself that I just want to drink.  I tried to explain these things to her and because it was all over text and I was upset, I couldn't get it out the way I wanted to.  She took it as though I was blaming her for my drinking, when that is not at ALL what I meant.  I would never in a million years blame anyone for my alcoholism.  I am a recovering alcoholic because of  the choices I have made in my life.  I am in charge of me, and I take full responsibility.  My mom and I just haven't been able to get on the same wavelength with this concept, and it breaks my heart that she isn't understanding what I mean.  I do not blame her, if anything, she is the reason I am SOBER today.  She is the reason I am sitting here writing this blog and I am not drunk.  I think sometimes when things are heated and you are trying to explain things, it makes things worse.  You end up hurting feelings where you don't mean to, and somewhere along the line its like one of you is speaking English, and the other Chinese.  It was about a month ago that this happened with me and my mom, and I haven't seen her since, nor spoke to her.  This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my mom, besides when I lived in Montana.  Even when I  did live there though, we spoke every day.  In fact, I don't think I have ever gone more than one day (purposely) without talking to her.  I call her for everything.  I mean, everything.  She's the one I call when I have a bad poop or a bugger of a hangnail.  She has just always been my go to person, and my life hasn't been as full without her in it.  I have reached a lot of goals this month with my weight and running, and they haven't been as exciting to me because I haven't been able to share them with her.  Not just the good things, but this month has been trying in other ways and I haven't had my mom to call.  Like I said earlier.... maybe space is a good thing, but damn its hard.  I keep thinking of what it felt like to get that phone call when she broke her leg, and how much I promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn't ever go to bed angry with her, and here I am today.  They say that there is always a lesson to learn in situations like these, and through the hurt I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to learn.  Today I was feeling so sick to my stomach at work.  Not because of the situation, but I honestly just felt so nauseated.  I must have ate something that didn't agree with me, but whatever it was, I wanted to leave work.  I realized right then how bad I wanted to call my mom.  Whenever I am not feeling well, I call her, and this time I couldn't.  My mom is notorious for bringing soup or ice cream to you wherever you are when you are sick.  She always serves other people, and maybe I took advantage of that.  Maybe that is the lesson I need to take from all of this. I can't do that anymore. My mom has been the one I call whenever something isn't right, and now I can't call her and bitch if something goes wrong.  I can't imagine those are fun calls to get, and thru my addiction and recovery, she has been the punching bag.  So there you have it.  That has been what I have had going through my mind lately.  Sometimes the most uncomfortable things are the best lessons in life, and when you also learn the greatest lessons.  I am not writing this other than the pure reason of honesty and what comes from my heart.  There is no other motive.  I know I am not innocent, and have never claimed to be.  I am a very flawed person in a lot of ways, and am learning every day just how flawed I am.  Makes me so glad that I have a God to turn to when things aren't going as planned.

Anyway, so that is where I am at.  I haven't really had a whole lot of motivation to go to meetings or do much writing recently, but have realized that I need it in times like these.  I got a text from Cindee a few days ago and she reminds me just how strong you have to be to stay sober at times, and that it is ok to reach out for help.  I have kind of forgot about my AA community, and  have noticed that it has been really hard to stay sober lately.  With the stress lately, instead of turning to God, I have gotten angry inside and craved going out to the bar for a beer.  It just seems like everything is piling up at once.  My lease is up on April 30th, so on that day I will be homeless if I don't save up enough money to move.  I have found a place to live, just crossing my fingers that I will be able to afford the deposit.  I know I can do it.  I can, and I will.  And if I don't, I have had some amazing friends who have offered to let me stay at their place for a week until I save up the rest of the money.  I don't plan on doing that, but the offer is nice.  Having said all this, I am also looking for a new job.  I absolutely love Progressive Finance, but it is not paying the bills.  Last week a recruiter contacted me for an interview with an awesome new company, so I went, but didn't get the job.  I think that is the first interview I have ever had where I didn't get the job.  I was really hoping I would since it would have been a $2 pay increase, but its ok.  There is a reason I didn't get it, and there is something else out there.  I have started doing my waxing again, and also considered going back to hospice for some extra money, but honestly, right now I am just living day to day.  I have 22 more days until I have to be out of my apartment, and only I can make that happen.  Time to put my game face on.  Even with the stress of moving though, I can't help but be excited to live in my new place.  I will finally be in a place that is all mine and no one else's.  I get to start over new, and get all new stuff along the way.  I may only be able to buy one piece at a time, but ill start with a bed and a tv.  You gotta start somewhere right?  This is going to be fun, but I know that getting there will take great sacrifice.  In searching for places to move I have spent a great deal of hours on the computer, which can make anyone go nuts.  On Sunday I must have spent 10 hours straight staring at a screen.  After a while me and Annie just started taking pics.  I was laughing so hard because in every one she was posing.  Oh man, how I love her.  I can't even begin to describe the love I have for my baby.  I had no idea that I could love and depend on a dog so much in my life.  Unconditional love my friends, unconditional love!  

Other than that, the week has been good.  Billy was in Vegas for a week, which made me realize just how different my life is when he is gone.  What a strength he is to me.  The guy just amazes me and treats me so well.  How lucky am I to call him my best friend.  Along with Annie, the dude keeps me going.  Hes hilarious and can always make me laugh no matter what.  He understands, even when he doesn't.  Does that even make sense?  To me it does.  He listens to me, and not the type of listen where someone is looking at you but you don't know if they are hearing what you are saying.  He truly listens.  He gives advice, and doesn't always tell me what I want to hear.  He is definitely a straight shooter, which is what I need.  I am sure I sound like a broken record, but he's just awesome.

So that's that people.  That's where I am at, there is the update. I hope this brings all of you well.  I love you, and I vow to all of you to start working at my sobriety again and stop being lazy with it.  I will stay strong, for you.

Amelia and Annie :)