Wow. Where do I even
begin? I have so many things to write,
so I guess ill just let my fingers go and see what happens. I
have really missed blogging, and even though things are going well, I can still
tell a difference when I am not writing.
This is such a good way for me to get things out and make sense of what’s
going on. I can’t believe all the things
that have happened since my last post. I
think the last time I wrote was at my 4 month sobriety date. Actually, I did write a littler blerb last
week, but then didn’t follow up on that.
I will do that now.
Ok, first things first, I am in my new place. I moved out of my last apartment on April 25th
and got my own place with Annie. I knew
I was going to have to be out of my last place by the end of April when I moved
in last August. There are really no
words to describe how happy I am to be out of where I was living. They say that through sobriety you will
realize who your true friends are, and that is exactly what happened with my
last roommate. I met her in 2008 in
chemistry class, and it was like instantly we connected. We were exactly the same in every way, or so
I thought. I was with Jason at the time, so I didn’t really hang out with her that much, but when we did we had a
blast. The only thing we ever did
together though was go to the bar, which was fun, but that was all we did. I kinda lost touch with her over the years,
then reconnected on facebook last year.
She asked if I was looking for a place to live, and it happened to be at
the perfect time because I had just got kicked out of my moms for coming home
drunk one too many times. So I moved in
with her thinking it would be so much fun and so perfect. I mean, we were so much alike. Obviously I was not in the best place when I
first moved in, and living with a person I usually only drink with anyway didn’t
make things better. I started my sobriety journey 3 months after I
moved in with her. I could feel a
difference in our friendship the second I got sober. I am by no means a perfect person, but I can
tell you one thing, if my friend was trying to become sober, I wouldn’t do some
of the things that she did through those last few months. It was in those months that I realized what I
had been told was true. You do find out
who your true friends are, and realize the ones that are just your “drinking”
friends. Sitting back and watching her
and all her friends made me realize exactly why I became sober. The drunk, beligerant, screaming at 1:30am,
no consideration for other people…. Just wow.
If I acted like that when I was drinking, then I have a lot of people to
make amends with. I am not going to go
on about that, lets just say I am glad to be out, and with the events leading
up to moving out I know that it was meant to be that April was my last month. As stressed as I was the last month
scrambling to find a place, it was all so worth it. My life right now is exactly how I dreamed it
would be when I first moved back to Utah in 2011. The things they promise in AA are coming true,
and I am living proof that there is something out there bigger than I am. It’s really true when they say that’s all you
need to start the process. Just being willing
to believe there is something out there bigger than you that can help you
become sober, because obviously you have lost all power to do it on your own. Do I know exactly what
that "bigger" thing is yet for me? No. I am not sure I need a definition. I feel content just believing, and being able
to clearly see the miracles in my life when they happen knowing I am being
taken care of and watched over. It's a feeling for me. I do say God a lot, but am not going to define that God as any specific person. I never
did very well in the structured religion, which is why the AA philosophy has
worked so well for me. I believe, I see,
I feel, I give thanks, and I am sober. That’s
what spirituality and God means to me.experience as I have moved through a lot of shit. Moving does that to you. The one good thing is though, I have stayed sober through it all. Let me start from the beginning…
me” thoughts were becoming frequent at the time. I wasn’t drinking, but you would have thought I was. With one month to go and no answers on what I was doing, I decided to just pray. Just ask. I realized that the negative thoughts were not getting me anywhere, and I needed help. When I prayed I just pretty much gave it all away to “God”. I made a pact with God that I would do whatever it took, I just needed a miracle, and I needed to find a good place
for me and Annie to live. I told God all my dreams and what I wanted. The next day I started looking again and came across some apartments in Midvale that I had seen a couple times before. I decided to call just to see what the rent would be. The girl told me that the deposit would be $400 with crappy credit, but $0 with good credit. She also mentioned the dreaded pet deposit of $300. I knew that my credit wasn’t the greatest so I would probably be at the $400 level. I could feel the negative thoughts creeping in again, but pushed them out and remembered the pact I made. A few days after I spoke to her on the phone, I was sitting at my desk at work, when an email popped up. It talked about a meeting we were having that day as a company. It seemed important, and there was no mention of any meeting prior, so I was a little bit nervous. When we all walked in the room, there was a few people there that I did not recognize, along with the CEO of Progressive. Something was up. They began to explain that we had just got bought out, and what a great thing it was going to be for Progressive. Then they said this…. “We are giving everybody a bonus with this new buyout. With every 3 months you’ve worked you got $250." I had just hit my 6 month mark THAT WEEK. So, I got a $500 bonus, direct deposited into my account the very next day. Wow. The whole rest of that meeting I couldn’t even focus. I KNEW that was God. I knew it. My prayer was heard. That was my deposit, and I could now go apply for that apartment. Tears of gratitude ran down my face the whole way home that day. I called my mom and my sponsor Cindee to tell them, actually, I think I called everyone in my phone book. In my whole entire life, I really never knew with a surety that there is a God, until that moment. It was a spiritual awakening, even more than what I had on my 90 day. It was almost like God was saying “Uh, hello Amelia, I am here, and I am watching out for you!” The difference this time was I recognized it and knew exactly what I had witnessed. It didn’t end just there either. Later that week I got moved to a different department at work which included a raise. That and my bonus was everything I needed to move. The very next week I went to the apartment complex to see what my deposit would be, and to my surprise I got approved with $0. I only had to pay the pet deposit and a few other fees. It all came out perfect. I had enough to move, and I was going to be able to afford this place on my own with my new raise. As I sit here and type this I am still in awe at how this all happened. Maybe it is just a coincidence that
everything lined up so perfectly. Maybe the skeptics are right, and there is nothing higher than us. Maybe it is science based and I just happened to be lucky that week. Whatever the answer may be, I just know that ever since I let go of all my insecurities and believed that things could happen for me, they have. I know there are going to be hard days to come, and things aren’t going to always line up that way, but I think to be challenged spiritually is a good thing, at least it was for me.
So that was that, I moved a week later into my new place. I have been in awe at the generosity that has been shown to me since I moved in. My dear sweet friend Raychel, whom I have no words for these days, helped me get all my stuff out of my other place and packed in the truck. Her kids helped too. What an amazing family. My dad let me use his truck whenever I needed it, and also helped me move stuff up the stairs and into my apartment. Some of the stuff was quite heavy too, and at 61 years old that can’t be the easiest thing! My mom gave me things from her house to help me get settled, as well as Billy. I have had so many friends come over to see my place and say hi and I just feel so overwhelmed with love and gratitude. It has been so great getting settled in and finally having a place to call my own.
As fun as this has been though, moving also comes with unpacking boxes. When I first moved home from Montana, I remember just throwing everything into a storage unit. That was 3 years ago, and I haven't been back to that storage unit until now. Because I was so wasted when I packed up to move home, I couldn’t remember exactly everything I had. I knew it was all stuff from mine and Jason’s 5 year relationship, and when you live with someone for that long, that’s a lot of stuff. I didn’t know what to expect, especially unpacking sober, so I started with the first box. What a bittersweet few days those were, and still are. When I mentioned going thru some shit, this is what I meant. I had everything from pictures to dishes from those 5 years. I had our sheets that went on our bed. I had all of our decorations. I had our little air conditioner that we slept with in our room every single night. I had our kitchen table and the recliner that I got for Jason a few years into our relationship. There was a lot. I was actually doing ok going through all of it until the very last night. Billy was over here laying on my bed while I was unpacking everything, and I opened a box and saw a black digital picture frame at the bottom. I knew that my mom got us this picture frame for Christmas one year, but I couldn’t remember for the life of me what was on it. Well, so I plugged it in and started to play it, and for some reason I lost it. It took everything I had not to break down in front of Billy. Everything. After he left I sat there and just stared at everything. Here I was, standing in my living room, in the middle of all the things that I held the most dear to my heart for 5
years of my life. The only difference was this time I was alone. It’s a really weird feeling. I can’t explain it. I am sure that those of you who are divorced know exactly what I mean. Not seeing those things for a few years, and then going through it all, brings up a lot. Who would have thought that a coffee mug with peppers on it would bring back so many memories, or the throw pillows we kept on our bed. It was all a distant memory now, and something that I will always hold dear to my heart. As I stood there and looked at all of it, I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. I was crying, but it almost felt like a relief. It was like seeing all these things was exactly what I needed to let go. I have been so angry in the past at Jason for what I thought he was doing, when really, he wasn't doing anything. I think I was just holding onto something that I needed to release. Even a few posts back when I was so angry….. I don’t even know what I was angry at. Myself maybe? Mad that Jason was with someone else now and not me? Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with what I thought it was at the time. Weird how time makes you realize things. After I got all the boxes emptied I text Jason and told him what I had found. I sent him pictures of some of the things and we had a great talk. We talked about memories over the years and some of the funny inside jokes we had. We spoke of how life was going for each of us and what we are doing. It was great. As I have battled over the past few years since I moved home on what I feel inside for Jason, I finally think I have figured it out on some level. Jason is someone that I will love for the rest of my life. He took my heart first, so in a sense he was the one who awakened love inside of me. He taught me what love is. I don’t know if you ever really get over someone that you were with on that level and for that many years. Do you? I think maybe I will know that in time, but what I do know for today is even though I love Jason, I know that we are not meant to be together. I have been angry at myself for so long because of all the alcohol I consumed in that relationship, and how I let myself go to a place that is not Amelia, but with sifting through all of our things and unpacking 5 years of my life, I am humbled. I am
not angry anymore because I know what I had with him was real, and necessary for my life. I can look at a decoration on my wall and smile because I remember the day we bought it. I want Jason to be happy, he deserves it, as do I. I ran across a quote last week that sums up exactly how I feel….
It really is so true.
Everything we go through shapes us.
There is no use being angry over the past because eventually it will
ruin your life. You may not drink it all
away or hide it with drugs, but it will catch up to you one way or another. Instead, just know that it all happens for a
reason. It may take quite some time to
know the reason, but you’ll know. I don’t
have all the answers yet to why I was supposed to go through some of the things
I have, but I’m just going to take it one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do. Because we only have today. I know I am probably sounding so cheesy, but
like I said earlier, writing things out helps me to sort through things so much
easier.
So there you have it, my 6 month post. 5/18/13 is my 6 month sobriety date. I will never forget 11/18/13 and how I felt
that day. Ill never forget writing my
first blog and showing you all what was inside of me for so long that I couldn’t
hide any longer. Here is my 6 month sober transformation pic.....
I've said this before but I look at that old girl and I don't really know what to feel. I am grateful for sure, but sad for the girl on the left. That smile was fake. I was so lonely. I didn't know how to feel. I was drunk 24/7, and when I wasn't I was onry as heck. I did not love life. I love it now. :)
I love living as a
sober woman. I love that I know exactly
what I want now and what I don’t want. I
love that my senses are so much stronger.
When I cry, I’m really crying. It’s
not because I am drunk. I am crying
because I am truly sad or happy. It is
so surreal to me. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that there is no
alcohol in my body heightening my senses. These are my real feelings, and even if I am sad, I am grateful that I
can at least feel the sadness and work through it. I love my annie, I love living alone with
her. I love walking in my door to her
kisses every single day. I love Billy. Do I love him as a friend, or do I love
him? I dunno. I guess I will know in time though. He's just an amazing person and I am happy to
have him a part of my life. I am so
grateful for my family and my parents. I
am so happy that I have chosen a vegan lifestyle. It’s been a 4 month transition, but something
that I am very passionate about. I am
glad that I am learning these things about myself, and that I am doing things to
make me happy, not another person. I am
grateful for all of you, thank you for reading my blog. You are all amazing and inspire me
daily. Here are some pics as of late…
The first night we moved in!!!
I've got a porch with the coolest tree right in front of it. Its so pretty in the evening!
Just hangin out
My awesome Aunt Suan brought me over this fruit basket and another bag of goodies! She is so amazing.
I have started training for my marathon in October, and these are the pants I am going to wear. Yes, bright pink. And they are BRIGHT. This photo doesn't do them justice. I don't even care though. Ill be 30 years old that week and I wanna finish in style!
Love you all!!
Amelia and Annie
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