Day 103

First of all, I never thought I would say this, but I'm gonna say it.  I may eat my words tomorrow, and those of you who know me are going to be SHOCKED by this statement.  Ok here, goes..... I think I like The Vampire Diaries better than Grey's Anatomy. Whoa. I know, shocking huh?  And like I said, I may eat my words tomorrow, but I just finished season 4 tonight and I am in awe.  I think the reason why I connect so much with TVD is because it's such a dysfunctional love story.  Two guys fighting for the same girl, wanting something that isn't necessarily the best for you, and not really being able to explain why you feel a certain way.  Story of my life.  Always has been, and I don't anticipate it coming to an end very soon.

I've realized that most of this blog is about heart break and relationships, and it's not going to stop with this post.  In reading back I have realized just how much love has affected my life.  It seems like I have had so many extremes when it comes to break ups.  It is never just a "We aren't good for each other, see ya later" type of break up.  I have had a lot on my mind recently with trying to part with feelings that I still hold on to.  For the last 2 years since I moved home from Montana I have wrestled with the same thing almost on a daily basis.  I thought it was normal to still love your ex, especially after living with someone for as long as I did, but I am starting to realize that some of the feelings I am having maybe aren't normal.  Since I have been sober I have been able to wrap my brain around most things and figure them out.  With Billy, I am so happy that we have decided to be friends because its exactly how I feel, and that has been confirmed to me.  Best friends, and I am so lucky to call him that.  With the whole Joe fiasco last week I was quickly able to wrap my brain around that one and let it go.  Easy.  No problem.  With Jason, I can't.  Maybe it's because after we broke up I spent the next two years completely wasted out of my mind, so I didn't ever cope, but whatever the reason my heart still loves.  My heart still longs for Jason.  I can't even type this without crying.  I am so angry at alcohol for what it did to our relationship.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it wasn't for alcohol we would still be together.  Even in the break up, there was so much alcohol involved that I don't think either of us were thinking straight.  I know I wasn't.  Jason and I exchange texts quite often, and every single time I still get butterflies like I did when I first met him in 2007.  He told me last week that he wants to give Annie and I both a hug and that he misses us.  I think that I would pretty much do anything for that to happen.  Anything.  I would be willing to quit my job on a wim, go to Iowa, find him, and squeeze him.  Jason is still the first person I think of to tell when something happens in my day.  Still.  He and I bought Annie together so whenever something happens with her or she gets sick, he is the one I tell.  I taught Annie to sing today and he was the first person I sent the video to.  What I was saying earlier about these feelings being normal after almost 3 years..... I don't think they are.  It's not something that debilitates me on a daily basis, but it is on my mind.  I have learned to live with it.  Now could I go on with my life and be ok?  Sure.  I could keep doing what I am doing and try to rid my life of Jason, and I am sure that I could do it.  I am sure that I could meet someone else and get married and be happily ever after.  The problem is the heart wants what it wants, and even 3 years of distance isn't going to change that.  So what do I do?  I haven't figured it out yet.  I suppose just keep doing what I am going, and pray to God every day to put me in the right places.  I am hopeful that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.  I know that if I put God first, keep being sober, and serve others like I have been, then whatever is supposed to happen, will.  I also know that miracles are frequent and nothing is ever impossible.  There are always signs out there if you are looking, it just takes being open to those signs.  So, we'll see.  I just know that I miss having my little family together and I love Jason with all my heart and soul.  There is a good chance that he is reading this, and if he is, thats ok.  I want to be honest and real with him where I never really was.  I want to show a side that he hasn't seen in a while.  As much as he likes to say that I was always an amazing person, I want to show him something better, a better version of myself

Other than the usual feelings of my heart, everything else is perfect.  I am just content with whatever, and letting life happen.  I got another assignment from Cindee last week, which has been pretty eye opening.  I am taking all the resentments I wrote down and turning it around on me.  Writing down how I was self centered and lied to myself in those situations.  I am saying the sick mans prayer for every resentment that I have.  It's a long process, but again, worth it.  It is helping me figure out so many things about myself that I didn't know before.  I am figuring out why I was so angry at times, and why I would lose my compassion for others so quickly.   That is one thing that I have really tried to overcome through this whole thing.  I have been known to lose compassion and argue with those who don't feel the same way I do on certain issues.  I used to lose my cool so fast on Facebook over religion and politics, or whatever was happening in the media at the time.  Since I have been praying and asking to have more compassion toward others, its happening.  I am more accepting and loving.  I am not as argumentative.  Plus, when you don't have alcohol in your system you are more likely to not freak out on someone and say things you will probably regret the next day. Its just amazing and I feel so happy inside.  I don't need to do those things to other people anymore.  We are all fighting a battle of some sort, the best option is just to be nice, no matter what.  I am definitely not perfect at it, but learning.

I started my 7 day vegan cleanse today.  I feel amazing!  I am so excited to just make this a part of my daily life.  I get to eat such yummy things, and I am being true to what I believe is so important, which is animal rights.  Yay!  Speaking of animals, I taught Annie to sing today and it is so dang cute.  Wow.  I can't stop having her do it.

I hope that this blog finds everyone well.  Day 103.  Triple digits.  Ah!  I am going to put a video on here that made me cry tonight on the finale of The Vampire Diaries.  Again, its a love story thats been going on for 4 seasons now and it just got to me. And, I took this with my phone so you have to see my amazing skills. This part gave me chills, and I had tears coming down my face.  Love, a complicated thing I tell ya. :)

Day 97

I love that this is the 14th Saturday night in a row I have been sober.  Saturdays were always my big drinking nights, I lived for them.  Now, when I am at work on Saturday thinking about what to do when I get off, alcohol rarely pops in my mind.  I think of doing things like watching my favorite tv series, taking Annie for a walk, making myself dinner, or blogging, and I feel content with that.  I feel like my sobriety is delivering things to me that I was always looking for in alcohol, so I don't really need to drink on a Saturday night anymore.

The last few days have been quite interesting to say the least.  I know I have repeated this sentence many times in this blog but I will say it again.... This is about honesty, so I am going to be really honest here.  Plus, it just feels good to get things out.  As most of you know, I have been through quite the ride in relationships.  Rarely have my break ups or relationships ever been normal.  First, it started with the wedding fiasco, and then about a year after that I met and fell in love with a coworker of mine at Lifetime Fitness.  He and I were both Mormon and had the same type of upbringing, so we knew it was wrong when we fell in love.  Not because love is a bad thing, but because he was married.  I know what you are thinking, and thats ok.  Before this situation I always told myself that I would NEVER do something like that.  I had only ever kissed one guy for hells sake, and I was a newly endowed Mormon, so there was no way I was going to every commit that type of sin.  Who ever wakes up and decides to fall in love with a married man anyway?  Not me, but it happened, and I can't take it back.  He and I had a spark and a fire that was awesome. Was it love?  I dunno.  At the time I thought it was.  I thought he was the only man I could ever love.  I would have married him in a second.  Him and I planned our wedding and our family and how many kids we would have.  We both liked the same things like running and fitness.  We liked the same movies, etc.  He was also there when I finished my first half marathon in St. George.  I was smitten over this guy. Not only that, but he is the one who took my virginity, so for me that was big.  The problem?  He was married.  He promised me for a year that he was getting divorced and always wanted me to hang on for one more day, but after never seeing any results, I left.  It sucked.  It sucked bad.  Not only that but I talked to his wife on the phone once and it broke my heart.  I felt so guilty for what I had done.  I couldn't believe that I could ever do that.  I was now classified as the "other woman", what a horrible class to be in.  Trust me, don't ever do it.  It messes with you.  I don't think I have ever felt guilt like that in my life.  From time to time I still feel guilt.  I have wanted to write a letter of apology to his wife for so many years but haven't been able to do it.  Maybe one day I will.  A few weeks after that happened, I met Jason.  I've gone over that here so I won't say much more about that but that it ended after 5 wonderful years.  Since he and I broke up in 2011, I have had contact with Joe a few times over email.  He asks how I am doing, and wants to catch up on my life.  As much as I have moved on, it is still weird to have contact with an old relationship, especially after what we had and what he meant to me in my life.  AND, for how betrayed I felt.  It has been really hard for Joe to move forward over the years.  He has kept literally everything that reminds him of me.  I didn't really know this until this past Thursday on my day off he came over and gave it all to me to throw away.  In 7 years since we were together he hasn't been able to do it.  I was a little nervous to go through the bag after he left my doorstep, but I did, and it was weird.  I pulled pictures out of this bag of me when I was just 21 years old, the girl who had barely ever drank.  There were pictures of me crossing the finish line at my first half marathon.  In looking at all these things that he has kept it made me realize what a major transition this period in my life was for me.  It was after that break up that I began to drink really heavy.  It was during that break up that I took my garments off and left the church.  There was just a lot of change going on there and I think that at some point something snapped in my brain.  It was like my brain just said "I don't care, I am going to do what I want because I am never wanted anyway."  And the years to follow, that's what I did.  Maybe it was because he did take my virginity, I dunno, but getting that big bag of stuff affected me.  Not in a way where I would want to ever date this guy again, but I can't explain it.  After emptying the bag out and going through all the stuff I decided that a meeting was probably the best thing for me to do to get my brain back to square one.  I am so happy that I have meetings to go to when I am feeling off, and when I feel that I can't take what is happening in the moment.  There is always that support there.  It's an amazing feeling.  It was at that meeting that I got my 90 day chip.  I felt so much better when I came home, and have been able to let go of all the things I saw in that bag.  This is such a breakthrough for me because I have always been so bad at letting things go.  That is one reason why I drank so much.  I have never been able to let go. Thats why this is so amazing, and why I shared that experience with you today.  Through the help of my Higher Power I let go, and I feel great!  If I was drunk tonight I would probably be a complete mess going through this bag bawling my eyes out creating things that don't exist.  My emotions would be all over the place and I would probably be a fifth of vodka into the night.  It is so amazing that I don't need to do that now!  I have other ways to handle things.  I love it, and I am so grateful for it.  I am so grateful that my sobriety has given me so much more than alcohol ever could!!  I am so grateful for Cindee and for her help with me on my step work.  She is there for me whenever I need her, and is such a blessing.  I am still working on step 4, which will take a while.  I am going through the "cause and affect" part of my resentment list.  Its not an easy one, but its being done!  Such an emotionally healing assignment for me, and one where my eyes are being opened so much. I am so happy.  So so very happy, and such a grateful alcoholic.

Other than that event, this week has been pretty mellow.  I am still trying to figure out where I want to live and what I want to do.  Montana is still on my mind, so we will see.  I am not going to worry about it, just let the process happen.  I am going to start volunteering at the "Best Friend Society" here very soon and I am so excited.  I have a two hour orientation next week and then I can start to volunteer.  I really want to get my foot in the door with the animal organizations around here so that maybe I can work there one day.  This will be a good start for me I think.  I have gone completely vegetarian as well and I feel so much better.  Even after just 2 weeks I feel a difference.  I will never eat meat again as long as I live.  The plant based thing is going to be a harder transition, but I am willing to do it because of my passion for animal rights.

Anyway, love to all of you!  Thanks again for visiting my blog!!!  You are all the best!!!!

Amelia

Day 94

Hey guys.  I promise I am still here, and I am still sober.  Not to worry!  I don't have a laptop, so I can only blog when I snag one from a friend or family member.  So thanks to my sister Allison for letting me use hers tonight so that I can blog.

Hmmmm...... Where do I begin.  I have had so many emotions lately and so many breakthroughs.  Its amazing how your mental and physical state change almost on a daily basis when you are going through the beginning stages of your sobriety.  I am now down to a whopping 132 pounds.  I am sure that those of you who have seen my posts on FB are getting tired of seeing the weight loss posts, and for that I am sorry, but I just get so happy that I want to shout it from the rooftops.  I wish that I could explain how it feels in words, but those words don't exist.

 On the morning of my 90 day I got up early to go to work, and when I was in my bathroom getting ready I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden I started to cry.  Here I was, staring back at a 132 pound woman who was celebrating her 90 day sobriety birthday.  I couldn't believe it.  It brought me to tears.  Ill never forget one Sunday morning back in 2012 getting up hungover only to read the scale at 211 pounds.  I remember just standing there feeling so bloated, depressed, and so full of alcohol that I felt like I was going to pass out.  Then, 4 days ago the same experience, but this time 132 pounds and 90 days sober.  Its a miracle.  I didn't think I could ever do either one of those things, and here I was waking up on a day when I had done both.  They say that at some point in your sobriety you will have what they call a "spiritual awakening".  I think that happened for me on my 90 day.  I was so overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, love, and happiness, and I had a sense of calmness that I have never felt in my life.  I felt peace.  I felt content.  I finally know what it feels like to be OK, and it has carried on with me to day 94.  It has been confirmed to me through my sobriety that God is there, and He is aware of me.  He never left me.  Even when I left Him for a while, He patiently waited for me to come back.  I am so so grateful for that, and for the feelings I have been having.  I have felt God this whole process, but not as much as I do now.  I now know what spiritual awakening they are talking about.  It makes me never ever ever want to have another drink as long as I live.  Sure, when I see alcohol the urge comes creeping in a little bit, but I wouldn't trade the way I feel right now for all the vodka in the world.  After about 17 failed attempts to quit, (and probably a liver that was about to send me a letter of resignation), I get it.  I finally get it.  My previous post where I shared a lot of the feelings I had growing up where I felt inadequate and insecure, those feelings are slipping away.  I almost want to put them in a box and lock them up and bury them somewhere.  Maybe I can do that, maybe I can write down all those experiences and losses and put them in a box and bury them.  They aren't going to dictate my actions anymore.  I know who I am, and I love her.  Last week I found a picture of myself when I was 4 years old in Aberdeen, Scotland and it choked me up a little bit.  I wanted to squeeze my own cheeks.  I wanted to give little Amelia a hug and tell her that everything is going to be ok and that I would be there on the other side to get her and take care of her.  What a beautiful feeling that is knowing that you can get a second chance to make things right.

A few nights ago I watched a movie that hits close to home.  It's called "When A Man Loves A Woman".  If you haven't seen it, watch it, even if its just for my sake.  It has Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan.  Meg Ryan plays an alcoholic who goes through recovery.  Andy Garcia plays her husband.  This movie is so amazing, and I relate so closely to the feelings Meg Ryan has throughout it.  There is a scene where she goes to her drawer in her bedroom and pulls out a bottle of vodka and drinks it straight out of the top, hiding from everyone.  That's what I used to do.  Hide bottles all over the house, leaving for work the next day hoping that you haven't left one out for someone to find.  There is one specific scene in this movie where Meg Ryan is at her 6 month meeting to receive her chip.  She stands up in front of the crowd and what she says is so profound, and so completely true for any alcoholic wanting a second chance. She is talking about her husband in this quote, but for any alcoholic, this could really be said to anyone.

 It's horrifying how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him; I tried to empty it onto him. But there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him that he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out because I knew if he ever really saw who I was inside, that he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now, he's moved away, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get a second chance but I have to believe. That I deserve one. Because we all do.

I absolutely love that movie, and I believe in those words to the fullest.  Those exact words I feel I could say to my mom.  There have been many times in my life where my mom has saved me.  My mom slept in my room with me when my wedding was called off because I couldn't sleep alone.  My mom has been the glue that has held me together when I wasn't sure I could do it myself.  I have always been my moms baby, so I have always run to her when I was having a problem because my mom is very good at fixing most everything.  She is the most stable person in my life, and in a sense has followed my footsteps since I was a baby and cleaned up the crumbs that I dropped.  She picks up all the pieces and makes sure that everything is ok and put back together.  There were some nights where I was so drunk and I would call her from my room upstairs at midnight just to come talk to me.  My mom was there.  I am sure there were so many times that I would make her feel like she made me feel small and worthless, but it wasn't her, it was me.  I made myself feel small and worthless.  I am learning through this process that I can't run to her when things go wrong anymore.  I can't run to her to save me.  I need to learn to do this on my own and to help myself.  It's hard.  I am so used to calling my mom 10 times a day and telling her every last thing that is happening. That is why it is so hard when I receive texts like this..
            
"I just read your blog.  So very touched as always.  I am choked up as I sit here because I feel like I am not a part of your life anymore the way I used to be.  I miss that so much, but I understand that you need to be with people who you feel can help you the most with your sobriety.  I was really touched when you talked about listening to God and doing things that you maybe didn't understand why but had the courage and faith to do it anyway.  That is so brave and something that is hard for me to do.  Thank you for being the kind of daughter and sister and aunt that we can all look up to.  Someday soon you will find the man of your dreams and make a life with him and be even happier.  Not that you need a man to be happy but someone to share your life with.  I love you baby and am always here for you.  Never forget that. XX Mom"  

I miss my mom so much and I want so bad to be able to have her help me and be there for me like she used to, but I know that learning to help myself and pick up my own pieces is good for me.  I am learning how to be a better daughter so that maybe one day I can pick up her pieces when she is old.  She deserves that because she has given me a second chance that I'm not sure I deserve.  A few days ago she gave me one probably the most special gift that I have ever been given.  I wear it every single day, and will wear it every day the rest of my life.  It is a necklace with the serenity prayer on it, and then a place to put a picture in the back.  I put one of my mom and I in there, so that no matter what she will always be close to my heart.

Thanks for coming by and reading my blog.  It means so much to me, and I am so grateful for everyone who has supported me.  This has been a hard journey, but I've learned that the hardest things are usually the most worth it.  I've learned compassion, patience, dedication, and well, mainly the love that God has for me.  XOXOXO

Amelia...... and Annie :)

Day 86, The Day Before Day 1

November 18, 2013 will go down in my life as probably the most significant day of my life. November 18, 2013 is my sobriety date. I've had the urge to get a tattoo for a long time, but haven't felt like I had anything that was important enough to me to have tattooed on my body.  That is until now.  Whether or not it will be written out or in 11/18/13 form is still up in the air, but I will have that somewhere on my body one of these days in the near future.  I'm so excited.

I don't think I have told the story of  how November 18 came to be my first day of sobriety. I mean, it definitely wasn't planned out that way, but the events that took place the couple of days before then certainly helped with my decision. So, I will tell you the story of the day before day 1, as I like to call it.

Before that though, here is a little update from my last post.  Billy and I have decided that our friendship means more then to "break-up".  The night I wrote that last blog I didn't sleep a wink.  All I could think about was how it felt like I had lost a best friend. It didn't feel like how I felt in the past when I've broken up with a boyfriend. I wasn't angry or wanting to punch every man on the earth.  I was sad. I felt like I had literally lost my best friend and it didn't feel right.  All the things that I listed about him in my last blog I realized are things that you would write about your best friend. So, we spoke. And, it's great.  He's amazing, and I can honestly say, is my best friend. Romance? Who knows what the years ahead will bring, but for now, just my best friend in the world.

Ok, so back to the day before day 1. I mean, I knew I had an issue before this day, and I tried stopping a few times, but only made it 4 or 5 days.  Without fail I always came back with a vengeance and threw on a bender worse than the time before.  Once I made it 13 days and was so proud of myself, but as history usually repeats itself, so did this time.  The difference was this time the bender was the worst of all. I had the urine experience, but still, didn't stop that day.  It wasn't until a couple weeks later that I had a breaking point.

 November 16th.  That day Billy and I decided to have some drinks and watch some movies. It was a Saturday night.  My nightly ritual was always stopping at the liquor store, but on Fridays I would really stock up because it was the weekend.  Weekdays I would grab the pint of Barton's or Popov and down that before bed, but on the weekends I would go all out to make sure I had enough vodka to last me through Sunday.  It always gave me anxiety that the liquor store was closed on Sundays.  The few times I ran out of vodka on Saturday night and had nothing for Sunday were some of the worst days ever.  I used to get the shakes so bad that I thought I was going to have a seizure.  There were a few times I would just walk laps around the house or my apartment to try and help.  I get anxiety even typing that out.  Worst days ever.  Anyway, so that weekend when I went shopping for liquor I just remember being broke.  I had no money.  I went on Saturday and had just enough for a cheap fifth of vodka, but that was all.  For me, a fifth wasn't going to come close to cover me for that night and the next day.  I left the liquor store and told myself that I was gonna take it easy that night with Billy and not drink much, but obviously that didn't happen.  That never happened, nor will it ever, and that's why I am an alcoholic sitting here typing this blog to you.  Billy didn't drink very much at all, and he usually brought his own bottle of whiskey with him,  so I think in my mind I thought I would be able to make a drink out of his if need be.  That night I must have snuck into the kitchen a dozen times for hidden shots of vodka.   On one of the last times I went in there I noticed that my bottle was getting low.  I started to panic because I didn't know how I was going to have enough for the next day.  That's when I had an idea.  Billy's fifth of whiskey was still pretty full, so why not hide it?  He probably wouldn't notice anyway because he hardly drinks or cares how much is left.  So that's what I did, I hid it below the kitchen sink in the cupboard.  I made all the rest of his drinks which wasn't much, but I only put a drop of whiskey in them.  By the time he left I was wasted. I had finished nearly 90% of my bottle of vodka which is close to 20 shots or something. Who was counting the shots at that point.  I have no recollection of going to bed, which happened every weekend.  Sunday morning I woke up and immediately thought about that bottle of whiskey under the sink, and also the little amount of vodka I had left.  I remember being so sick that morning.  I moved to the couch and started watching tv but all I could think of was that bottle.  I remember thinking to myself, and I think I even said out loud, "Amelia, get a grip! It's only 10am!"  After about 20 minutes of this I got up, went to the kitchen, took them out,  and put them on the counter. I think just getting them out and looking at them helped me feel a little better.  I poured myself some water and went back to the couch.  The temptation I felt in that moment was the worst it ever was. I couldn't even sit there.  Finally, I decided to go for a drive. Maybe just getting away from it would help.  I drove for like 30 min. I think I went to Draper and back.  When I walked back in my front door at about 11:00am it got me.  I went to the kitchen, got that bottle of whiskey and guzzled the whole thing.  Then, I washed that down with the rest of my vodka.  Obviously with that much liquor all at
once I got really drunk really fast.  It was then that I started to cry.  I sat over the sink and just cried. I
couldn't take it.  I had become a slave to alcohol. It was winning and I was not.  I knew this was the
facts and it was hard to face. It made me so angry that I continued to let it win.  Why?? That's when I got so angry that I took both of those bottles out to my garage and shattered them. I was angry. I was sad. I was ashamed. I had so many emotions, and I was drunk so that didn't help at all.  After taking all of that emotion out on those bottles I stumbled to my room and fell over on my bed.  I remember just begging whoever it was that I was talking to to help me. I was begging to be released from these handcuffs. That moment was a different kind of low.  I can honestly say that I know what being suicidal feels like, and I hope to never visit that place again. Thru the agony I realized I had no more alcohol in my house and that's when I made the choice. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it but I knew I was done.  The party is over.  I am going to start day 1 of my sobriety, and that day was going to be tomorrow.  I had no idea what it would feel like, and I wasn't sure if I would even make it a full day, but I knew I couldn't feel that way anymore.  So, November 18, 2013 was day 1. And guess what? I made it. I made it. I made it! And tonight I am celebrating 86 "day 1's".  I am feeling life.  I am seeing life.  I am reinventing myself.  It feels amazing.  In 4 days I'll be at 90 days sober, and I can tell you that I feel just as grateful for each day as I did waking up on day 2.  Thank you to everyone for being so amazing and for the support. I love you all more than ever.  I have never been so grateful. God is amazing. God is my saving grace.  I love life.  Did I really just say that?? :):)

Day 78

I have two things on my mind today.  First, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Another addict taken from us from the awful disease called addiction.  I am glad so many people are becoming aware of addiction and realizing that it is actually a disease, like cancer or diabetes.  If not treated, you will die.  Addiction doesn't care how much money you have or how amazing your family or friends are.  It doesn't care how great your job is going or the promotion you just got.  It will get you.  So, today my heart and prayers go out to PSH friends and family, and to all those affected by this tragedy.  And today I am grateful for all addicts out there.  Whether it be drugs or alcohol as your addiction of choice, you can do it.  One day at a time.

Next, what a day.  Today the serenity prayer had more meaning to me than probably any other day since this experience started.  Today, another break-up, or so you could say.  I don't talk much about my relationship on social media for many reasons, one of them being you never know when you might get back together, so you feel like an ass when you do.  I do at least.  Plus, this one has had many ups and downs over the past year and a half, and I just didn't feel like sharing it on FB.  I feel like sharing my experience today though because this is the first time I have actually "felt" when those tough feelings came my way.  This is the first time I have really felt in years.  I am finding tears streaming down my face as I type this.  I have had a slew of emotions today, some mad, some sad, some content.  Whatever those emotions have been though, I am glad to be feeling them, as hard as it is.

You'd think that as you go through as many break-ups as I have, they get easier.  That's a myth.  They don't.  They get harder.  I am certain that my heart wants to break its way out of my chest, look at me in the eye and say, "Why do you keep punching me in the face?  Next time I may not survive this.".  I am starting to think the same thing.  I guess I can't be angry though because I have been asking God for direction and asking him to lead me to the places I need to go, no matter how hard the transition.  I didn't think he would take me that serious.  In the midst of today's events, I am so grateful for the wonderful things I have realized about myself though lately, one of those being in my last post.  But it is still hard saying goodbye to a best friend. Of all the relationships that I have been through in the past I can say that Billy was one of the tougher ones because he has the most sensitive heart.  He means well.  He showed me how I need to be treated.  He protected me and kept me safe when I was so drunk I couldn't function.  He saw things I am sure no boyfriend ever wants to see.  There were a few times I was so drunk when I went to bed that he turned around and came back after driving halfway home to make sure that I was still breathing in my bed.  He worries about me when its bad weather and I am driving.  He is so good with Annie.  He loves her, which made it easy for me to love him.  He is a fantastic father.  I envy the way his kids look up to him.  We loved Del Taco.  We went there almost every night we hung out.  The list goes on, and on, and I am grateful tonight for this experience.  Sometimes you don't know why things just aren't meant to be.  I guess you never know what the future holds, but for now, I am surrendering to whatever is meant to be for me.  I am saying OK.  Normally I would be passed out by now after what happened today, but tonight, I'm not.  I'm feeling.  We actually had a really nice talk before he left.  It was a mutual choice, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I guess the door could always be open, but for now, I am moving on.  So, the serenity prayer.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.".... that part of it hits home.  Sometimes its hard to accept the facts and move on.  Accepting that you can't change someone or something is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, which is one reason why I drank so much.  Its great at numbing the pain as you move from day to day.  I've found tonight though that it can feel just as good going through the emotions and letting them just come out in your tears.  Crying is healthy.  I know this is true because it has been a huge part of my recovery.

Thanks you guys for reading.  On today 79 tomorrow.  On to the first day of picking up the pieces, yet again.  This time, I will do it sober.

Day 76

I just have to start todays post by saying how grateful I am for each of you that come and read my blog and follow along with me.  I didn't realize how many people cared.  It humbles me.  I've received so many sweet messages on Facebook and to my email.... the words that people have sent me have brought me to my knees thanking God for the support.... I will share a couple of these messages with you...

"Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey. At various times, when finding myself faced with how to navigate the harder parts of my life, I think of your journey and more often than not, and more and more, find myself choosing presence over escape. So, thank you."

"I'm reading this from a Starbucks in Wichita, KS with tears streaming down my face. I want to thank you for sharing and thank & congratulate your sister for being brave enough to share her story. We all have our Achilles heel. It shouldn't be shameful to talk about what we struggle with but the thought of being judged keeps us silent and keeps us sick. My little sister is sitting in a 6 x 8 foot cell because she could not do what your sister has done. Instead of being devastated, those that love her most were celebrating the night she was locked away. Why? Because at least she wasn't dead and neither was anyone else (though a lot of lives have been devastated... I refuse to say the word destroyed). I can only imagine the creative, intelligent, strong and beautiful person your sister must be (just knowing you a little bit tell me this). I hope she has the strength to fight this monster. I know what it's like to live terrified for your little sis, it haunts your every moment. Good luck, I know it's not over but I'm so happy for everyone that its started."

You guys have no idea how much this means to me.  I never in a million billion years thought that little me, the alcoholic loser that I thought I was, could impact people.  It's messages like these that get me to the next day. One of my goals in life is to help other people that struggle with any type of addiction.  I am still at the beginning of my journey, but am clearly seeing the miracles that God brings to my life on a daily basis.

So today, I am just grateful.  I am so so grateful!!!  Not just for the messages from other people, but for everything.  I don't know if there are words to quite explain how I feel.  Amazing maybe?  Although I still have lots of work to do mentally, there is still a clearness in me that I haven't felt in years.  Even before I had my very first drink I haven't felt this clear.  It feels like I am reborn in a way.  Weird huh?  Maybe so, but all I know is that each and every day is a gift, and I am grateful for every single second I have.  It is getting easier and easier to say no to alcohol.  I am getting more used to sober living.  I am slowly learning other ways to use my time at night.  The other night I found an empty bottle of vodka under my bed.  My heart sank.  I could smell it as soon as I picked it up.  Even touching the bottle made me sick inside.  As much as sometimes I would love to be drunk (I'm not going to lie), I know that I was probably very very sad the night I drank that bottle.  And I always hid them in my room because how embarrassing for my roommate to see a empty pint of vodka every night in the garbage.  It was easier to create my own garbage can in my room.  A lot has changed since then.  Thank you God.

I am sure most of you know that AA is a very spiritual program.  I've talked about it a lot in this blog.  In trying to become more spiritual, I have started a routine of praying every single morning and night.  Even if it is just reciting the 3rd step prayer or the serenity prayer out loud, I pray.  Talking to God is just part of my day now.  Sometimes on bad days just a simple "thanks for helping me stay sober today" is all I have I me.  I suppose that's all I need to say some days.  Also in my prayers, I have been asking for direction on what I am supposed to do with my life, and where I am to live.  I've told God that I will be open to receiving signs, and that I would be willing to do whatever He wanted me to do.  Whether it be living here, Montana, or somewhere else, I will do it.  In doing this I have noticed a few things, and I think I am starting to see what I think my life mission is. 

As most of you see on my Facebook, I love Annie.  Well, I love animals.  This love for animals didn't really happen until I got Annie, and has grown ten fold since I got sober.  I mean, I always loved my dogs growing up, but it wasn't something that I really ever thought about.  I could take or leave a pet.  People to me were more important, and pets were just, well, pets.  This dog has changed my life.  This dog has changed my whole outlook on love and compassion.  This dog, in my opinion, has bits of God in her, just like every animal I feel.  Annie is sent from Heaven, and has been a blanket to me on days and nights when I couldn't feel the warmth of anyone or anything.  People that know me, know that Annie and I are a package deal.  Where I am, she is coming with.  I take her everywhere.  My family has made fun of me on numerous occasions.  They love Annie too, but I know at times they don't understand the love I truly feel.  I have found myself crying in ASPCA commercials, dog rescue videos, or really anything that has to do with a pet.  When I lived with my nieces I hated when they forgot to feed their fish or clean the bowl.  I would do it for them.  I felt so bad for it, where most people would say "Amelia, its just a fish for pete sakes!"  Its weird, I know, or maybe it isn't.  Whatever it is, I have found my passion, and I know what I want to do in my life.  One thing that I hear probably on a weekly basis is "Amelia, wait until you have a real child of your own.  You don't know love until you hold your baby." or "Annie is just a filler right now until you have your own child."  I have never really liked when I hear those things from people.  Annie is my child.  I love Annie just as much or more than any baby I could imagine having.  Having Annie has honestly made me realize how I don't think I want kids.  I am meant to have animals.  One of the worst things I see is when friends of mine have kids and completely abandon their pets.  Not all my friends have done this, but I definitely see it.  I wish I could take them in.  Going through this journey of sobriety I have seen this love for animals come out in me more, and I feel that there have been little signs from God that I need to do something.  Today when I dropped Annie off at the vet to get her final lice treatment, I was waiting for the tech to come get her when a couple walked in.  They had, in a blanket, a cute little dog.  He must have been older, he had an older looking face and grayish hair.  The mom of this couple just snuggled him in this blanket.  When the tech came out, I told her to help them first.  She told them to put the dog on the scale.  The dad looked at her and asked "Is that really necessary?"  The tech said yes, so his wife proceeded to put the dog on the scale.  The dog was clearly not well, so the mom just laid him on there wrapped in his blanket.  His limp body didn't even move.  As soon as I saw that I started to cry.  I was trying to sign my sheet to leave Annie there for a few hours and I couldn't see the paper.  I didn't want anyone to see, so I gave Annie a kiss, handed her to the tech and walked out.  I got in my car and drove away and I just lost control.  It makes me cry to even write this.  Just looking at that dog in that condition made me think of Annie, and how much she has taught me since I got her.  That dog has probably been there for each member of that family in some way.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of compassion for animals in that moment, even more than I already do, which is a lot.  I realized right then that Annie taught me that type of love.  I loved this dog and I didn't even know him, and I know what my life mission is.  I have to do something.  Whether it be being a part of an organization to help homeless pets, or starting something of my own, I have to do this.  I have heard that you know when you are passionate about something, and I now know what that means.  This is my passion, and it isn't until now that I am truly seeing that.  I wouldn't be living my full life if I wasn't helping animals in some way.  If any of you reading this know anyone who could lead me in the right direction, please let me know.  I want to give back the love that I have been given.  Today when I came home from work I went thru all my pictures of Annie from the time I got her.  I will post a few that touched me. 

First pic I saw of Annie.  I knew she was mine!!!

First day I had Annie :)

 

 

Oh my hell she was the cutest puppy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annie loved laying on the window sill in the place where we first owned her. 

 

First week Jason left for Montana and Annie and I stayed home

Annie loves my nieces and nephews

Annie always gets in my moms temple bag

Annie is obsessed with steak bones.  That one stayed in her mouth for like 14 hours.

Annie sleeps with random objects in her mouth.  She can not sleep without holding something in her mouth.  Here, a wrapped tampon.  Usually its the tv remote, her bunny, or her ball.  Clearly she couldn't find any of those, so she went with the first thing she saw.

Annie follows me everywhere I go.  Everywhere.  It doesn't matter.  This is her staring at me go to the bathroom.  She just stares at me and waits for me to be done.  When I shower, she waits right outside the shower curtain.

Annie likes to sit and watch me to dishes.

Annie was so cute with my mom when she broke her leg.

Annie is so good with babies.  She wouldn't hurt a fly.

Annie sleeping with her ball.

Almost 30 days sober

At the vet and still happy :)  Mom wasn't.

5am before work.  Morning snuggles.

She sits with me the whole time I am on the computer

Christmas

Annie hates when I leave for work.  She hides by my bed every time she knows I am leaving. I hate it!

Passed out

Staring at me fold laundry

Celebrating 60 days with me!!

Nightly Dexter, Grey's Anatomy, Vampire Diaries marathon

Living in Billings after Jason and I ended.  One of the worst times in my life.

Waiting for me to come home from work, like always :)

Annie sleeps in later than I do.  Finally at noon she woke up and looked like this a few Saturdays ago.

 

OK, well, you get it.  As I am sure you have gotten it the past 4 years of posts.  So, this is my goal.  This is my mission.  I want to give back.  I want to somehow, some way work with animals.  I want to help homeless pets.  Where I will be living doing this is up in the air.  One thing I am sure of is this:  if it weren't for sobriety I wouldn't be having these clear moments, and if it weren't for Annie I feel there would have been times where I would have died in my sleep, which wouldn't have given me the chance to be sober. Because of sobriety I am able to see and feel the tender mercies that God has sent me.  It feels good.  It feels like I am truly being spoken to.  Again, thank you so so much for coming to this blog.  Please share with those who struggle.

 

Amelia