Day 42, a whole new person.

Today at 5:00pm I am going to hit 1000 hours of sobriety.  I know, the numbers in this seem like a lot, but its the numbers some days that get you thru.  When you think that "tomorrow I will be at 1000 hours!" It gets you to the next day, the next milestone.  I've had a really awesome week this week with my sponsor Cindee. Like I mentioned before, we do FaceTime or Skype to do all of our reading together.  She has taught me so much about this book, and is one of the most spiritual people I know.

Most of you who know me know that I grew up in the LDS church.  By no means would I ever blame that for me being an alcoholic, I truly believe its the way I was born, but I think it's important for anyone who reads this to know my background.  I grew up in a very religious setting where God was talked about a lot.  It was a part of everything we did as a family.  The whole God thing was really implanted in me from the start.  I was taught some great things thru the church and always had values that I believed in. As in any religion though, you are taught exactly what God looks like, what you call him, and how to pray.  It's never really a choice.  My whole life when someone said God to me I saw the pictures that hung up on the wall of Him at church.  I think that's ok for a lot of people, but I am a very stubborn person and ALWAYS ask questions. I think after 21 years of many questions and not a whole lot of answers, I just got tired.  I wasn't sure.  I didn't know if I believed that the concept of God that I was taught, was really the one I believed in. I heard of all the other religions around and had many friends that were a part of them and wondered many times "Why isn't their God true?".  I felt that every religion taught that their concept was the correct one, and I got confused.  That's when I left religion all together.  I actually went as far as to get my name removed from the LDS church records.  When I took my name off the records I don't think it was about me or how I felt, I think it was me saying "in your face everyone, I'm out of here!"  Unfortunately, you are only hurting yourself with those types of feelings, not anyone else.   Over the last 8 years since I left the LDS church, I haven't really prayed much at all.  I have gone to a few non-denominational churches here and there, but the "religion" aspect has completely left, which I am still happy with.  It is hard to talk to people out here about how I feel because most of them are LDS so they don't understand where I am coming from.  They are still really into the church thing, so we don't see eye to eye.  I know where they are at, and I don't judge them at all.  Like I said, I used to be very bitter and mad at religion all together, but that has changed.  I have no more resentment of the LDS faith, and I respect anyone who has a belief.  I have learned thru reading the AA book that the whole recovery process is about finding your "God" or "Higher Power" and using that as defense toward that first drink.  They teach you in AA that having that specific defense is the ONLY way to not take that first drink.  That seemed so crazy to me.  I had no idea that was what AA was all about.  I got a little bit nervous at first because the thought came to me that I had to start believing in religion again, but that is so far from the case.  It teaches you to just believe that there is something out there that is greater than you.  Nothing else is required of you to start.  As long as you just believe that there is something out there GREATER than you, the rest will come in time.  You can start from scratch.  I love that concept because that is exactly what I need, a fresh start.  There is a quote in the book that sums up exactly how I feel.  I have tried to explain my feelings so many times on this but it has always been hard to get out.  Until I read this, this is verbatim what I have always tried to explain to people...

"Lack of power is our (alcoholics) dilemma.  We have to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how do we find this power?  Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.  That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral.  And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God.  Here difficulty arises with agnostics (me).  Many times we talk to a new man and watch his hope rise as we discuss his alcoholic problems and explain our fellowship.  But his face falls when we speak of spiritual matters, especially when we mention God, for we have re-opened a subject which our man thought he had neatly evaded or entirely ignored.  We know how he feels.  We have shared his honest doubt and prejudice.  Some of us have been violently anti-religious.  To others, the word "God" brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone had tried to impress them during childhood.  Perhaps we rejected this particular conception because it seemed inadequate.  With that rejection we imagined we had abandoned the God idea entirely.  We were bothered with the thought that faith and dependence upon a Power beyond ourselves was somewhat weak, even cowardly.  Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences.  Let us make haste to reassure you.  We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results.  Even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God.  Much to our relief we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God.  Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.  So we used our own conception, however limited that was."

OK, I know that is long, but I love that.  It doesn't tell you who He is or what He looks like. You get to figure that out for yourself.  In some cases thru recovery,  people do turn to religion.  They find that's what gives them the greatest connection to their conception of God, and I think that is great. Some don't, but everyone definitely has a spiritual awakening that is unlike anything they've ever felt, or so I've read.  This is so perfect for me because I have been craving some sort of spirituality in my life.  I have been closed off for so long, until now.  Getting rid of the alcohol has opened up the idea of God again in my heart.  I still don't want to be a member of a religion, but I am willing to start over and figure out what makes me happy and find out who that God is for me.  It's an exciting experience, and one that I definitely could not live without right now.

Part of this journey is being completely honest about things, even if it means making yourself uncomfortable or hurting someone else.  You have to be honest, there is no other choice.  Over the last 24 hours I have come across pictures of myself that I am actually astounded by.  I mean, I knew that I was overweight and had a huge beer gut, but I didn't know how bad it was until last night.  So, reader beware, I am going to share some photos here in a sec that I absolutely hate of myself.  The reason I am sharing these photos is to show people exactly what alcohol can do to you if you are an alcoholic.  If you have been my friend on Facebook you have seen my weight posts, ups and downs, relationships, etc.  I was telling a friend of mine this a few weeks ago, ALCOHOL was the catalyst for my weight problems, and as you've read in this blog, my relationship problems as well.  When I look back at pictures and even some of my Facebook posts from back then, I cringe.  I look at that person and I have no idea who she is.  I don't recognize her.  She was very very lost, and I will reassure you that it has nothing to do with leaving the church.  There are some that may be thinking "She is so lost because she left the church.  She must not be happy.  If she would come back to church everything would be fixed."  I can assure you friends, that is not the case.  There are many happy people that aren't a part of any religion, and leaving religion is not my reason for starting to drink.  My reason was just that I liked it.  I liked the way it tasted and made me feel.  I just happened to be born with a brain that doesn't have any control when I drink, and it led me into a really dark place.  Again, I will reassure you, that leaving the religion is not what got me lost, and to this day I don't like hearing that.  I know that I can be happy again just by going thru this process and finding out who I am.

In March of 2011 I went on a cruise to the Carribbean with some of Jason's work friends.  When I look back on the cruise, I remember it being fun, but I remember drunk fighting pretty much every night.  The drinking would start as soon as I got up and go til I went to bed.  Again, I would wake up in the morning and wonder what happened the night before.  I knew there was a fight, but didn't know what it was about.  I was so unhappy with myself.  I loved the person I was with with all my heart, but I did not love myself.  When Jason and I broke up a few months later and I moved home, I decided that I had to get myself back.  I was a whopping 210 pounds when I got to Utah.  I knew I had to lose weight.  Its been quite the process, but over the last two years I have lost about 70 pounds.  I still drank even thru my weight loss, but the food I was eating was very low calorie.  It was not a healthy way to lose.  I would calculate in my alcohol calories and cut out many meals to make sure that I did not go over.  There were some days where I didn't eat, just drank all my calories, and would wake up so sick the next day that I wanted to die.  I got down to 150 pounds.  Yes, I am proud of myself for my weight loss, but at the beginning it wasn't very healthy.  A couple months after I got down to 150 I kinda fell off the wagon again.  I found myself eating so bad and drinking so much that every day I felt fatter.  I was beginning to look like the girl again that I didn't know.  When I went to the doctor a few months ago I weighed in at 180.  I couldn't believe it.  I lost all this weight and now it was all coming back.  I was so angry at myself.  It has been since that doctor visit that I have quite drinking and started to let go of all the emotions I have held onto and harbored inside for so long.  Emotions that would not let the weight come off unless I starved myself or ate very little.  I have let go of all of it.  All the negative feelings I had about religion, relationships, just everything, are slowly leaving.  I have left a job that was very negative.  I truly believe that thru all these changes, the weight has just fallen off.  Last night I was just feeling lighter so  I weighed myself and it showed a number that I have not ever seen, 143.  Wow. I sat there and just stared. I will tell you right now that the mind is powerful and has a lot to do with weight loss.  Your mind keeps a lot of the weight on you.  I haven't worked out one time since I became sober.  Not once, but yet I have lost 27 pounds in just a couple of months.  I eat like a normal person.  I don't worry, and I definitely do not let emotions get me.  It's amazing what happens to you when you make a change.  So here are some of the pictures that I came across last night from our cruise. I decided after I weighed myself that I would dig up some old ones just to see for my own eyes how different I look.....what I saw made me want to throw up at first, but today I am just happy that I am where I am at today.  One thing I do know from looking at these pictures is I never want to visit that place again.

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March 2011

The first thing I noticed in these pictures is the drink I had in front of me. I was so drunk that trip I don't even remember taking these pictures.  That girl above, is not Amelia Daw.  Nope, not one bit.  I don't even recognize her.  The girl below is another person I feel like.  She is not the same.  I swear it feels like I have been reborn, what a great feeling.

December 2013

So there you have it.  A little more of my story in a nut shell.  All these stories that I share have brought me to where I am today.  We all have a story.  Next time you go to the grocery store or the mall, or wherever, smile at someone.  You never know what kind of battle they are fighting inside, and your smile might be what gets them thru.  

Here is to 42 days, 1000 hours, whatever you want to call it!  All I know is one thing that I call it is pure HAPPINESS!!!

The 38 Things I Am Most Thankful For Today, Day 38. Christmas.

Since the holidays are particularly difficult for me thru the recovery process, I decided to write down 38 things I am thankful for today.  Today is day 38, Christmas Day.  I haven't been sober on Christmas for so long, it actually feels weird.  Its not easy.  I haven't been around alcohol at all since I started this process, obviously that being my choice.  I have seen a beer here or there, but I haven't been around my biggest weakness, which is vodka.  Well, any of the hard liquors really.  Vodka just happens to be my liquor of choice.  Last week I stayed at my moms house because my roommates family came into town, so they stayed at our apartment.  I was ok with that, but a little bit nervous because for some reason I get horrible anxiety at my moms.  I know it hurts her feelings, and I know that she wonders why.  I honestly don't know why either, but when I walk in there I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.  Especially when its a big family party. Anyway, so I came back to my apartment on Sunday and as soon as I walked thru the door, there it was.  A huge bottle of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka, almost full.  My eyes went to that bottle immediately.  Her family doesn't know whats going on, so I don't blame that for leaving it here.  They had to get on a plane and couldn't take it with them.  All I have to say is that 3 hours I was there with that bottle sitting on the counter was awful.  I knew I was going shopping with my friend Crystal later that night, and that she would be coming over, so I was glad at least I wouldn't be alone.  I would have thrown it down the drain, but I know its expensive and I wasn't sure if my roommate would be happy with me just throwing a $30 bottle of vodka down the drain. Plus, I'm just not strong enough yet.  I'll be honest.  After Crystal and I went shopping, we came in my house, and as soon as she saw the bottle she took it to her car.  She didn't even give me the option of what I might want or if I was strong enough.  She walked in and saw it and said "Ok, I am taking this, I am putting it in my trunk so its not here to tempt you.  If your roommate wants it back tell her I have it, but I will let her know that she can't have that crap at your house."  What an amazing friend Crystal is.  I am so happy she was with me that night, because right now I am not strong enough to poor alcohol down the drain, nor am I strong enough to be alone with it.  So, that brings me to the first thing I am thankful for....

1.  Good friends,  you know who you are.  I have some of the greatest friends in the world, and I have really realized thru this time who they are.  I've had people contact me that I haven't spoken to in 10 years letting me know they are there.  I am so thankful for that.

2.  My brother Garrett.  I don't have many words to describe how much I love my brother.  He has always been my partner in crime.  He is one reason I am becoming sober.  I am convinced, for real, that I have the best brother in the world.  We have become best friends over the last couple of years since I moved home.  I can honestly say that I wouldn't have gotten thru the last 2 years without him.  It's awesome having a sibling that is also your best friend.

3.  My mom.  What an amazing woman.  I have talked about her a lot in this blog, so you guys all know how special she is to me.  There are so many religious moms out there that wouldn't be very accepting of what is happening to me right now, and my mom has been a champ.  She let me live with her for 18 months, and put up with my drunkeness.  No one wants to see someone wasted, and she did a lot.  So, I am thankful that she chose me to be her daughter.

4.  My sisters.  I love them!  I am so blessed to have 3 sisters.  They are all so unique in their own way, and we always laugh so hard together.  I love them.

5.  My dad.  Although there are lots of times when my dad and I haven't seen eye to eye, my dad still hasn't left my side.  My dad has been there to give me a blessing when I need it, and give me all the best advice I could ask for.  My dad came and picked me up at 3:30 in the morning when I was so drunk I didn't even know where I was.  He found me at a 7-11 on 300 South.  Thats just the kind of dad he is.  When my wedding was called off, my dad felt pain with me.  He cried as much as I did, and wanted to take away my pain.  Thru my triumphs and failings, he has been there every step of the way.

6.  My job.  I am grateful that I have a job that I love.  Even though it is a new change for me, I am so happy to have a good job that I can support myself with.

7.  Annie.  I think thru facebook and instagram you guys all know what I feel about her without me typing it all out here.  Annie is my angel.

8.  A healthy body.  With the crap I have put into my body, I am still healthy.  I am shocked my body is still functioning.  I went and got weighed at the doctor last week and I was a whopping 145 pounds.  In september I was 180.  I am grateful that thru this my body has shed so much emotional weight and is getting healthy again.

9.  CIndee.  Best sponsor in the world.  Even 2 hours ahead she is there for me, and reads with me over facetime.  I love her, and am so grateful that God brought her to me.

10.  Movies.  I love movies.  If you know me well, you know I am obsessed.  I watch more movies than the average human being.  Its what helps me thru moments of horrible anxiety.

11.  Music.  I love the healing power of music.

12.  Running.  Although I haven't been doing much of it lately, I am grateful that I was blessed with the ability to run and be good at it.  It has gotten me thru horrible times in my life.

15.  Michi.  This is one friend of mine that helped me into the first big transition I ever made which was leaving the only religion I knew.  This is when I came into myself.  Michi made it "ok" for me to be myself when everyone else was telling me that it wasn't ok. She helped me thru the transition of removing my garments, and made me fee like it was all going to be ok. She has supported me thru everything I have gone thru and has been the bestest friend ever.  I love you Mich.

16.  Jason.  This guy has been pivotal to my life and all my growth.  I don't have many words, so Ill just leave it at that.  Even typing about him brings up a lot of emotion that is hard for me.

17.  Coffee.  I love love my coffee in the morning, and all day long.  :)

18.  My nieces and nephews.  I am such a blessed aunt to have the best nieces and nephews in the world.  They are all so sweet and always ready for a hug.  I love them so so much.

19.  A warm bed.  Sleep is one of my most favorite things in the world.  So happy that I have a warm bed to come home to at night.

20.  Bill.  Its been a year of ups and downs with him, but I think he is such an amazing person, and such a positive influence to me. I am glad that I have him in my life as such an awesome friend and someone I can talk to.  He has shown me how I should be treated from a man.

21.  Renee. Thru the last 5 years of being a CNA, I have had some of the most incredible experiences.  On days when I wanted to drink myself to death, it would be one of my sweet hospice patients words that would get me thru.  Renee, I miss you so so much.  She was like a second mom to me. I took care of her for the last few months of her life as she battled breast cancer.  I had the priveledge of going there 5 days a week to help her with a shower, dressing, etc.  She and I became so close, and she taught me so much.  Even thru her illness, she still always helped me thru times in my life and gave me the greatest advice ever.  I felt that she really understood me and was supposed to be my patient.  She loved the time 11:11.  I was always there at that time in the morning, so we would make sure that there was a clock near by so she could see it when it hit 11:11.  I still look at the clock every day at that time and think of Renee.  When she passed, it was so so hard.  I was there when the clock turned 11:11 and I just started bawling.  I can usually hold it together when a patient passes, but Renee was different.  I felt like I was losing a family member.  The family gave me one of the many necklaces Renee made and told me that Renee wanted me to have it.  I cherish that necklace.  I will keep it forever and always think of her.  I miss you Renee, until we meet again.

22.  Nature.  I love the beauty of the outdoors, and since I became sober my eyes have been opened to the beautiful mountains that surround me.

23.  The best childhood ever.  I have been so blessed to have such an amazing childhood, and have 2 parents who always loved me.

24.  God.  I am so grateful to God that I am alive and have been given a second chance.  I am grateful for all the trials I have been given.  I am grateful for the people that have been put in my life to help me thru.

25.  Warm baths.  Lately I have been taking so many baths.  I don't know why, but I love it.

26.  AA.  Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the best organization I have ever been a part of.  Not saying that I have been a part of a lot of organizations, but AA has truly saved me.  The unity of the people there is absolutely amazing.  Even if you have never met anyone in the meeting before, you feel like you know each other.  There is a certain bond there that I can't explain.  I am so grateful for all the people I have met thru AA.

27.  Montana.  Yes, I am grateful for a state.  Montana is the most beautiful place I have ever lived.  I hold a real special place in my heart for Montana.  Although the times there were hard, I met some of the most amazing people in the world there, and friends that will be a part of my life forever.

28.  Technology.  If it weren't for technology I would never be able to to see Cindee or any of my friends far away.  I am so grateful for FaceTime and Skype and all the things that allow you to talk to people in person when they are far away.

29.  Sleep.  Sleep is my most favorite thing ever!  I actually like to go to bed.  When I was little I hated going to bed, now it is my favorite time of the day.

30.  Laughter.  Period.

31.  Babies.  There is something so sweet and innocent about babies.

32.  Medical professionals.  Since I have worked in the medical field, I have grown to have a lot more appreciation for those who work in the medical field.  Doctors, nurses, CNA's….the work they do is truly amazing.

33.  Smiles from people you don't know.  I love when you are in the store or gas station, or wherever you are where there is a lot of people, and you get a smile from someone you don't know.  We are all fighting a battle in some way, and sometimes those smiles are what get you thru the day.

34.  School.  I am grateful for the schooling I have.  I hope to finish my nursing degree one day, and am grateful for what I have learned already.

35.  Books.  Right now I am reading the "Big Book" and love it.  I need to find more books to read.  It has really helped me to keep my mind busy and helped me stay sane in moments of turmoil.

36. My car that gets me where I need to go.

37.  Beautiful pictures

38.  The holidays with people you love the most.  So many people lose family members to addiction and don't get the chance to spend the holidays with them. I am just so grateful that I get to be with my family this Christmas and have been given that second chance.

BRING ON DAY 39!!!

Day 33

Today is such a good day because as usual, I woke up to Annie licking the crap out of my face.  I love it.  She snuggles with me all night long, and then about 8am she climbs all over me and starts licking my face.  Best alarm clock in the world.  If Annie could talk I wonder what she is saying to me.  What a blessing she is.

Last night I did FaceTime with my sponsor from NYC.  I can't believe how much this amazing woman has helped me, and taught me over the past week.  I have been struggling finding a sponsor that works for me and my needs, and when I found Cindee, I knew she was the one.  She is a special, amazing, sober woman, who has done all the steps herself and is walking me thru all of them as well.  Cindee celebrates 11 years this month, I am so proud of her. 

When I say it is a pretty crazy story how we met, its true.  How this all happened has yet again shown me that there is a higher power out there.  My sister Abbey went to NYC last year to attend a yoga training thru Anna Forrest.  While she was there, Cindee was in her training.  When Abbey came home she friended her on FB, so Cindee got connected to this blog.  Cindee then sent me a FB message and friend request and told me she would be there for me if I needed it.  We started talking, and now she is helping me thru the steps.  I am just so thankful for this and how it has all happened.  Who knew, Abbey going to NYC last year for a yoga training would get me a sponsor.  I truly believe that things aren't just a coincidence.

I had quite the experience this week, which at first, left me at a loss.  After much thinking about it I have decided that thru this sobriety process, my Higher Power is helping me to eliminate all sorts of negativity out of my life.  I've been a CNA for 5 years, working in all sorts of areas.  My CNA experience has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life.  I've worked for hospice, home care, assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing, and many other areas.  I have honestly met some of my best friends thru being a CNA and had some incredible experiences.  I recently got hired at Beehive Homes in Draper working for the memory care unit.  The building just opened August 1st, so I started on day 1.  From the day I started it felt wrong.  Something wasn't sitting right.  A good friend of mine offered me the job because she was going to be the manager.  I have learned now, never to work for a best friend.  She is 22 years old, so she is quite a bit younger than me, but I really thought of her as a good friend so I took the job.  Like I said, from the first day the building opened I felt off.  I felt that my friend was a completely different person.  I wasn't sure if maybe her being the "boss" changed her, but something was not right.  That was in August, and since then it has been absolute hell.  It has been the WORST job I have ever had, and has actually turned me off to healthcare all together.  While I was working there I got a second job at Progressive Finance and loved it!  I was only working 20 hours a week, but my time there I felt was so much more rewarding than my full time job at Beehive Homes.  I love the people I work with!  I thought about quitting Beehive a lot, but couldn't bring myself to do it, not because I wanted to work there, but because I have been a CNA for so long so I am attached to it in a way.  My boss (friend) and I have been in numerous fights while at work, and the days I left there upset were the days that I drank the most, as if I wasn't already drinking enough.  It seemed that no matter how hard I worked, she was still not happy with me.  A couple of months into the job, me and her were no longer friends.  We became coworkers, if that.  Last week it hit a head.  It was really bad.  I got called into the office and they let me go because of how Kami and I do not get along.  Never in my LIFE have I ever even been written up at a job.  I have never even been disciplined. I have only been promoted! The GM offered me a job working in the other building, but I declined. It was definitely not how I wanted things to end there, but like I said, I think that because of eliminating the alcohol out of my life all things negative are leaving. I don't know if it's a shift in energy, Gods will, or what, but so much change has been happening to me. I left there crying so bad that I didn't even know what to do. This has never happened to me at a job. I started full time at Progressive Finance the very next day, but it's still hard. Not being a CNA is challenging.  It's all I know how to do it seems like, and I will miss my residents so much.  I just HAVE to remember that everything happens for a reason.  Everything.  No matter how hard it may get at time, its happening for a reason.  I know that I will come out on top of this.  I love Progressive Finance, it is such a good change for me and I absolutely love my coworkers.  We have such an amazing team.  I am so excited for 2014 and all the things I can feel coming my way.  Bring it on.

Thank again everyone for reading along with me.  It truly softens my heart and helps me thru the hard times.  33 days sober today, and I couldn't feel better.  This has been the hardest, but most life changing 33 days of my life.  I wouldn't take any day back regardless of how hard it has been.  I love you all.

My 30 day "birthday" :)

 In AA we celebrate milestones as birthdays. So today was technically my 30 day "birthday".  I can tell you that I have never felt wiser than I did on this birthday. Although there was a couple of events today that would have normally driven me to drink, I powered thru it and got my chip.  Today was not only my 30 day "birthday", but today was also the end of my CNA career.  I've been really struggling with my most recent CNA job and the negativity I have felt was there.  I love my residents dearly, but today was the end.  It's not an easy transition, but I know that everything happens for a reason.  I think that God is clearing out all the negativity in my life even if I'm not necessarily ready for it.  When I came home today I was so angry at the situation.  I just cried.  I called my amazing friend Brookie who has been a huge support for me and she let me vent to her about the work situation.  Then she said something that I'll probably never forget, and will use the rest of my life. She said "Amelia, when you get off the phone with me I want you todo something.  I want you to think of all the things you want in life.  Happiness, health, whatever it is, and I want you to pray and ask God for this person you are so angry at to receive all those things.". When she said that I was floored.  Why would I pray for someone I don't like? I decided to take her advice though and do it.  I kneeled by my bed and just prayed for this person to find happiness wherever that may be.  It wasn't the easiest thing I have ever done, but it really helped change my feelings toward this person.  The negativity that I felt in my heart went away.  Although this is the end of a chapter, new ones are just beginning and I know that God is aware of me and my struggles and will help me if I reach out and ask.

When I first became sober I was told that the program works if I am willing to put in the work.  I told myself from the start that I was going to do whatever it took to become sober.  I can't even count how many times I have tried to quit alone.  I've bought journals, motivational books, set rules for myself, driven the opposite way home from work as the liquor store, nothing worked.  On November 18th is when I knew that if I didn't change then I would probably die.  I needed to be honest with myself and everyone else.  My life was headed down a path where I may not live to see 60, and to be honest that scared me. If you are an alcoholic you have to work the program or your chances for relapse are high.   I always pictured AA meetings as what I saw on movies and TV. I pictured a bunch of people in a cirlce of chairs in a dark room.  I pictured it very depressing.  I can't believe how far from the truth that is.  AA is one of the most amazing, spiritual, uplifting programs I have ever been too.  The people that I have already had the chance to meet are some of the best in the world.  My friend Jami told me that if I am having a horrible day that I need to go to a meeting because that is where I will feel better.  The people there know exactly what I need and I will most likely hear something that I need to hear.  Since today wasn't the greatest day I decided to go, plus, I was excited to get my chip :).  When I got there I saw someone that I met at the first meeting.  I was a little bit late so they had already asked for the "30 day birthdays" to come get their chip.  That was ok, I figured I would get it another time this week.  He asked if I wanted to sit by him, so I did.  I told him that I knew him from the first meeting, and that tonight was my 30 day Birthday.  He was so sweet and told me that he would make sure I got my chip.  When they asked if there was any birthdays they missed he said really loud that today is my 30 day.  Everyone started clapping for me.  I walked to the front, introduced myself as Amelia an alcoholic and got my chip.  Best feeling.  Most rewarding feeling I've had ever.  I haven't drank in a whole month.  I am not even sure what I said to the crowd because I was crying so much, but I do know that in that moment I was right where I was supposed to be, and I am so grateful.  I can't believe how grateful I am.  Growing up as a girl who never missed church, I never really knew how real God is until now.  Whether it be God or a higher power of some sort, it is real.  I know that without a shadow of a doubt.  I am so excited about working these steps and becoming a more spiritual person.  That is what AA is all about.  Finding who you are and connecting with your higher power in the midst of all the chaos.  As my sponsor told me last night over FaceTime, the only defense an alcoholic has against taking that first drink is by the help of your higher power.  Connecting spiritually and knowing how to ask for help.  There is no other way.  Alcoholics can not do it alone.  I can't wait to continue to get to know myself and realize my worth.  I can't wait to sponsor someone else and tell my story.  There is nothing more amazing to me than 2 alcoholics helping each other. So happy tonight.  Happy 30 day birthday to me :)

Day 27, sometimes you just gotta trust

I'm not going to lie, I really want to drink tonight.  I've contemplated a few times taking a beer out of the fridge. This is a real struggle tonight, which is why I decided to blog. This is hard. This sucks. As the tears come down my face, the only thing that comes to mind is "sometimes you just gotta trust Amelia". Sometimes you just have to believe with all your heart that your higher power has your back and there is a reason for all of this.

There is a song that has saved me the past few days.  It's called "That Wasn't Me" by Brandi Carlile.....it goes like this...

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you've seen, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

It's amazing what music can do for the soul and how sometimes you feel that a song was written just for you.  When I think about taking that beer out of the fridge tonight I think to myself "that isn't me", because it isn't. I am not a quitter. I fight to the bitter death for the things I want.  I will fight for this.  I will conquer.

Last night I went to a company Christmas party for work.  This is the first time I've been "out" since I got sober.  I would usually have a pint of vodka in my bag, but I didn't last night.  I had to rely on myself to feel comfortable and have fun.  I won't say I had a blast, but it was good to get out.  I refuse to lie on this blog or about anything that has to do with my journey.  I wanted to be drunk last night. Bad.  SO bad, but I wasn't. I got thru the night, went to bed, and got up this morning knowing that I got past one more hurdle. A party with no alcohol, and on to day 27. I know that this is not going to be easy a lot and I am going to be counting the days for a while, but I told myself day one that I wouldn't quit.  Even if I had to drive to my moms so that I could sleep in her bed with her I would make it thru the day. Sometimes the best thing in the world is a mothers comfort.  My mom has believed in me so much.  I'm sure it hasn't been easy for her to see me go thru this.  Last week I called her in my car in tears. I was parked outside an AA meeting and for some reason I couldn't get out of my car and go in.  I was having a meltdown like I've never had in my life.  I think it's the hardest I've cried ever.  My mom just listened to me cry on the other end.  I'm not even sure what I was saying, I was just venting, I guess. Knowing that she was on the other end though is just the comfort I needed.  She kept telling me to go in and that maybe I would feel better and hear somethihg that I need, but I didn't take her advice.  I went home.  I pulled away.  I honestly am not really sure what caused that meltdown, the only thing I know is I had my mom with me.  I love her. So much.

4th Saturday down, almost. That beer is going to stay in the fridge. I'm better than that, because that's not me. :)

Day 24, just makin my way

I know I say this in every post, but I can't believe this.  I can't believe I have been sober 24 days.  I caught myself saying that to one of my dear friends tonight on the phone, and hearing myself saying it outloud brought tears to my eyes.  It's surreal.  It's a feeling that only an addict can understand.  It feels like my handcuffs have been taken off.  It's like finally being able to breathe again after having the wind knocked out of you.  I feel like I am no longer a prisoner to alcohol. I don't have to go home at night and surrender to it. I know that I may not feel this way every day, but I do today, so I'll take it.

I don't remember much about the holidays last year.  The only thing I was concerned about was making sure I had enough alcohol on Thanksgiving and Christmas because I knew the liquor store was closed on those days.  I remember standing in line at the liquor store to buy my usual half gallon of vodka, and I remember everyone else had someone else with them.  I was always alone.  Every single time.  I guess at the time I didn't realize how often I was alone, I thought it was normal.  Now that I look back I can't believe how blinded I was.  I can't believe the things you will talk yourself into when you are an addict.  I would say 99% of the time I went to the liquor store I was usually lying to someone about where I was going, and I think 100% of the time I was lying to myself about my alcoholism.  This year the holidays feel a little bit different.  I haven't been in line at the liquor store. Not once. I catch myself looking at it every time I drive past, but immediately look away as feelings of sadness come up.  I have had some people ask me if I'll ever be able to be around alcohol again.  The answer is, no.  I think alcohol will always be a battle.  I think that no matter how many days or years I am sober, if the bottle was there, I would want a shot. I would want to pour myself that first drink.  I simply can not be around it, and I am glad I can finally admit that. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life became unmanageable.

Today I have felt especially grateful for a certain person I have been so lucky to have in my life, and continue to have in my life.  It's funny that I've been thinking so much about him lately because today happens to be his birthday.  So, happy birthday Jason.  I think we all have that person in our life that is pivotal to our growth, and probably the one we love the most.  With a clear mind and with no hesitant in my fingers as I type this, I can say that I will never love a human being in the same way I love Jason.  I think I mentioned him a little bit in my first blog, but I will probably mention him a lot since he is so important to my heart.  Usually when people break up there is so much animosity toward the other person.  Me, I don't feel like that, and neither does he.  Although I haven't seen him in almost two years, I don't go a day without thinking of those 5 years I spent with him.  So many of those times I wish I could take back, but I also know that everything happens for a reason. Jason taught me so many things about myself that I am finally seeing sober.  He still continues to support me even thru this journey that I am on, and cheers for me from the sidelines.  I get so emotional even talking about how special he is to me, and how lucky I feel to have spent the best years of my life with him.  I know there will be a day where I am going to apologize for a lot of things I did.  For the way I know I made him feel at times.  I know I've hurt a lot of feelings of the people I love the most thru my alcoholism.  It makes me ill thinking about it.  I know I shouldn't be thinking of such negative things, but I can't help it.  I wonder why Jason is still so sweet to me when I hurt his feelings so much. I suppose it's the grace of God for making such wonderful people.  I can't wait for the day where I am able to ask for forgiveness for the people I have hurt.  It will feel so good knowing that I am no longer lying to anyone, and that just maybe I can have a fresh start.  I have learned that life is a lot about trial and error, and I am grateful for a God that gives second chances.  I am still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with mine, but I find comfort in knowing  the answers will come.

So, 24 days.  Grateful.  Grateful for all the love and support I have received. Grateful that I have been so honest and that I feel no judgement from those that read this.  Grateful for this trial of mine so that maybe one day I can help someone else. Grateful for sobriety and coming out of clouded judgement.  Grateful for Annie. Most of all, grateful for one more day. Bring on 25.

Day 20....this is definitely a test.

I had a dream last night that I took a shot of vodka and didn't make it to 20 days. I remember knowing in my dream that it wasn't real and telling myself to wake up, but I couldn't.  I hate those dreams! When I woke up I immediately turned on my phone and looked at my app. 20 days. It said 20 days. Wow. WOW. I don't really have the exact words to say how I felt when I saw that. 20 days. I feel like I could say that all day.  That was probably one of the worst nightmares I've ever had last night.

The past few days since I last wrote have definitely been a little bit more trying, but I've somehow made it thru.  I know now more than ever that it is Gods will that I am sober.  This is an absolute miracle that I haven't drank in 20 days.  I think my friends in Montana wouldn't believe it til they saw it.  

The last few days I've noticed that Annie hasn't been feeling very well.  I thought that maybe it was because she is coming into heat (sorry for the TMI), so I didn't really think much of it.  Tonight when I came home from work it was really bad.  I've been over emotional so of course I burst into tears when I saw her.  Let me just say that when I walked in my room it didn't look pretty. You can imagine maybe what she had been doing while I was at work.  So, I called the emergency vet number and spoke to the technician who told me to bring Annie in tonight.  Now those of you who know me know that I HATE driving in bad weather.  It is honestly one of my worst fears. Another thing people know about me is that my dog is my life. I would jump in front of a moving bus before Annie got hit. So, before we left I got down on my knees with Annie in my arms and just prayed that everything was going to be ok.  I just cried asking God to please help me to make it there safe and that Annie would be ok.

When we got there Annie was so scared.  She hates the vet.  They took all her vitals and everything seemed ok.  The vet then said that we needed to do a blood panel.  I asked her how much that was going to be and she said 165. That didn't even include the visit.  My mouth dropped. She left me there to think for a while, and when she came back I told her I would do it. After they took Annie back I was calculating all my finances in my head wondering if I could afford it.  I got a $300 bonus at work last week so I figured I would do it and figure it out later.  Well, they took her blood and everything looked ok, just a couple of minor things not to worry about.  They put her on a stomach pill to help with her symptoms, and sent me on my way.  When it was all said and done I paid $261 tonight.  As soon as I left I called my sponsor to talk and vent.  I love her.  She just listens to me, helps me thru, and helps me stay in control when I feel like I may lose it.  Usually I lost it on the bottle, but tonight I didn't. Thank you Brookie, I love you girl.  I think I have the best sponsor in the world.  I could have walked out of there so upset that I had to spend that money, but instead I decided to count my blessings and remember the positive about not only today, but the last 20 days.  I am sober. I am SOBER!! Its a saturday night, and although there was a little hiccup at least I can go to sleep tonight with the two things that are most precious to me.  Annie and my sobriety.  I have both of those and no one is going to take them from me.  So, whoever it is out there trying to get me to open up that bottle, you're going to have to try a little harder. My God is bigger than you :) 

Step #2 "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity", I think I am starting to believe that.  This step has been so eye opening for me.  It may take a while before I move to step 3, but that's ok. One day at a time....

17 days sober, TODAY!

Wow.  Day 17.  It seems like I just started this journey yesterday, but at the same time it seems that each day drags as I struggle.  The last few days I have been trying to really think about each day as it comes, rather than thinking ahead as I mentioned in my last post.  That is the hardest part for me, but I am getting better.  I am still so overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that has been shown to me.  It truly helps me thru each day.  God is good.  God is real.  I have been shown that more than ever the past 17 days.

I have really began to realize what a toll this whole thing has taken on my parents.  It is really hard for me to look at them without wanting to cry.  I wish I could take away all their pain.  I know they just want their little girl back.  The little girl who had no worldy influence.  I want that girl back, and even at 29, I'll find her.  I received this text from my dad after he read my blog.....

"Amelia,
I love you, I know you can do it.  Hard to read, and hard to understand why and what happened.....
You are a daughter of God, who loves you.  You can stand as a witness in the days and years ahead.  I will help you and love you forever.  Remember who you are and what you were always taught.  I have tried my best to show you by example, sometimes feeble as it was...but I know, I KNOW Grandpa Daws mission now is to help beyond the veil with his children and grandchildren.  I know he is aware of all of us....I miss him so much, my mom too.  I am still learning, be patient with me.  I know one day Heavenly Father will wipe away all my tears, and yours.  I love you my Amelia Bedilia.  Love, Dad"

I have read that a lot.  Probably more than I've read any other text or message.  My dad has always been there for me in the darkest times in my life.  He came and picked me up from MT when I was in such a low I wasn't sure if I wanted to live.  I'll never forget when I saw him after 14 months of being away.  A comfort came over me that I think only dads can provide for their daughters.  So, if I become sober only for one reason, my dad would be it.  I wish he could know that this has nothing to do with how he raised me or the things he taught me.  It may take a while for him to know that, maybe as long as it takes me to get answers to my many questions. It is really hard to think about how bad I have hurt him and my mom, and I know that the guilt may take years to go away. I know both my parents wish that things did not turn out this way, so do I.  But, I also would never give back any of my trials even if I had the choice.  

 One person I really miss thru this whole thing is my grandpa Daw.  He was one of the only ones that accepted everyone no matter what they believed.  I'll never forget when he was dying and I went to the hospital to see him.  He wasn't speaking a whole lot, so I leaned over his bed and just told him thank you for always loving me no matter what and for giving me the best blessing in the world the day my wedding was called off.  Thru his tears he said "That's what grandpas are for...". I wish so bad I could give him a hug and get some advice on life and how to get thru this.  Sometimes I feel like he is one of the reasons I am alive, and on the nights when I should have gone to bed and never woken up he was there to cradle me thru the night and watch over me as an angel.  I wish I could hear that everything is going to be all right from him.  I know one day I will.

So, another day down.  Today, I feel happy.  I feel grateful.  I feel lucky.  I feel some guilt, but I think that is normal.  Thanks again for all your support, and remember, God is good. :)

Day 14

I have found that thru this whole journey there is a reason why they say "take it one day at a time".  When I first made the decision to become sober, and embraced step 1 of admitting that I was powerless over alcohol, I immediately thought of what I was going to do on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and most of all New Years Eve.  I started getting anxiety about those dates on day 1.  Holidays have always been extra big drinking days for me.  I would always use the excuse that it was a "holiday" so instead of 1 bottle, I would have 2 or 3.  I mean, who wants to spend a holiday sober?  I sure as hell did NOT, and I haven't in 6 years.  I don't even remember most of the holidays over the past few years, which is really sad.  I always had a hidden bottle somewhere that I was drinking out of.  Whether it be under a mattress or in a laundry basket, it was there.  I've decided that every day you have to wake up and make the conscious decision that you are going to have a sober day.  You don't think about the next day, or the holidays coming up, you think about THAT day.  Who knows, tomorrow you might wake up and decide not to have a sober day, but today, you are.  You don't think about New Years Eve and the parties you are going to miss, or the Christmas memosa you won't have.  You think about each moment as they come.  That has been the hardest struggle for me.  So, as of right now, I am not even thinking about tomorrow.  I am thinking of making it to midnight as a sober person.  I pray that I make it and am always asking my Higher Power for strength.  It seems that since I started this journey that I have had more things happen to me that would normally make me go home and drink.  Call it the Devil, call it whatever you want, but I have felt that something is trying to get me to drink, and its trying its hardest. 

I think there is a reason that Dog is God spelled backwards.  I also know that God puts everything in your life for a reason.  Whether it be an animal, person, instrument, movie, etc., I KNOW that there is an intention for everything.  I am seeing things now that I am sober that I never saw before, mainly the fact that I have Annie.  I know that God put Annie in my life for a reason.  He knew there was a storm up ahead and put her there for me.  I feel like Annie is Gods way of saying "I've got you covered Amelia, I am here."  I have never been more clear that God is truly there than I am right now.  Not even when I was going to church regularly.  Annie has helped me thru the darkest moments.  It makes me cry to even type about her.  She is the one that gets me thru each day.  I say this from a really honest place, I don't think I would be here right now if it weren't for Annie.  The morning I woke up soaked in my own urine, I woke up to Annie licking my face to death.  I truly believe she was sent from God to help me wake up.  Maybe that is cheesy, but she is my angel sent from Heaven, and the one I am most grateful for.  I think there is a reason animals can't talk.  I think they are too innocent, and they are only here as comfort for us messed up humans as we go thru this hard life.  I love you Annie, you're my angel.

I have a song that has been my most favorite for a long time.  I've always thought that this song spoke to me, but still would not surrender.  I stayed in denial for a long time, even though every lyric to this song is exactly how I have felt for 6 years.  The song is "Sober" by Pink.  Here are the words.
  
                                                       "Sober" By P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

 

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That that's not the way I want my story to end

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

 

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

 

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

 

Comin' down, comin' down, coming down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

 

When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
How do I feel this good sober??

 

I know, that's kind of a long song, so thanks for reading.  I can't believe how much I relate to that song.  Sometimes I ask myself, how am I ever going to feel as good as I feel drunk when I am sober?  I don't know when that will come, but I am hoping that it does.  I know that before I drank I felt amazing.  I had some awesome friends that I would hang out with and I would never drink.  How did I do that?  How was I so happy without the alcohol?  Maybe I just didn't know what I was missing out on?  I dunno, questions, questions, questions!  I'm not saying that I am unhappy without it, but I think it is going to take time to be completely OK and content.  I think it will take a while to figure out other ways to have fun.  Right now, I am just focusing on making it thru the day.  One step at a time. 

 

Tomorrow, halfway to 30.  Ah!  If that's the ONLY thing that helps me to tomorrow, then that's all I need. :)

 

Day 13, Saturday...

Today, day 13.  What does this mean?  Tomorrow is 2 weeks, which means I am just about halfway to 30 days.  I know I am supposed to take it one day at a time, but I can't help but think of how good it will feel to get that 30 day chip.  When I get that chip and am able to stand up in AA and "share" with the group, I think I will feel more proud of myself than if I were to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  A month ago I never thought I would be able to make it more than 13 hours, and now I am on 13 DAYS.  Wow.  I am still in awe of where I am at.

Let me just tell you, it feels amazing not waking up with a hangover.  Amazing.  It's honestly a foreign feeling to me.  I still find myself waking up thinking "Ok, how sick am I today?  Is today gonna be a throw up all day kind of day, or just a slight headache?"  When I realize that I am NOT hungover and I have conquered one more day, I get a huge smile on my face.  As hard as this fight is, those are the feelings get me thru the days, sometimes minutes when things seem impossible.  I have been so wheepy the past few days.  I don't know if its the alcohol leaving my system, but it seems I cry over everything.  I cried a few days ago when I missed a green light.  I just cry.  I saw my uncle at the grocery store this morning, and when he asked how I was I started crying.  I'm starting to think that the alcohol is leaving my body thru my tears, and that each tear that falls was a tear I was supposed to cry when I was hiding my emotions with alcohol.  I dunno, just some thoughts.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  I had to work in the morning, but that was ok.  My mom had a dinner at 3, but I decided to stay home and spend some time alone.  Lately I like being by myself.  I feel like my emotions are so all over the place that being alone is where I can let everything out.  Some may say that not spending time with my family on Thanksgiving is a selfish thing to do, but that's ok.  Right now I need to be selfish and think of myself.  I remember when I would drink the saying that goes "Who are you when no one is watching?" would cross my mind a lot.  I would think of how much I hated myself when I was alone because all I would do was take shots of vodka, and sometimes 25 wasn't enough.  Now, I can answer that question in my mind and not feel guilty for what I am doing.  My mind is becoming clear.  The chaos is getting less and less every day, and I find myself fighting maybe 3 or 4 battles in my head instead of 100.  That's what it felt like some days.  The battles I would fight in my mind were endless.  The alcohol wouldn't stop until it won and I gave in and took that first shot to make them go away.  I remember waking up some mornings and glancing to the side of my bed afraid to look at the bottle to see how much of it I had drank.  Some mornings I would look at it and it would be gone.  Not a drop left, and I wouldn't remember falling asleep.  I would sit and think "I swear I didn't drink that whole thing."....like I said, battle after battle.  Now, I don't see that bottle anymore when I wake up.  I wake up to a feeling of accomplishment that I wouldn't trade for the world.

So, day 13.  And what makes this day even better is it's a Saturday night.  My second Saturday where I have not drank.  I woke up today and made the decision to have a sober Saturday, no matter what was thrown my way.  Bring it alcohol, you've got nothing on me!

10 Days.

I thought today would be a really happy post because today is my 10 day mark, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I'm going to be completely honest here, today was hard, today sucked, today I didn't feel like I had shit for courage.  I came home tonight and went straight to my bed and cried my eyes out for about a half hour, got up, took Annie out, and now I am here, staring at the computer, no words.  I don't even know why I cried, but I suppose its good for the soul.  Sometimes you don't need a reason to cry.  Sometimes you just cry.  For the last 6 years I have not felt my emotions.  Every time I got stressed with work or relationships I went straight to the vodka bottle.  It was my comfort, which is probably why I slept with a vodka bottle and a shot glass right next to my bed.  I am now having to deal with my feelings as they come and sometimes I feel completely powerless.  I know that as time moves forward, it will get easier, but right now I am in the fire.  Day 10, man, you threw me a curve ball.  I know that days like today are going to become my new "normal" though for a while.  I knew this when I took the first step.  I may have days where I feel like giving up, and that is OK, the only thing that matters is I don't.  I was thinking today how it feels like I have left behind an old friend.  Its like I almost wonder how alcohol is doing, I want to check in and say hi.  It's a comfort to me that there is a liquor store a mile down the road from me, even though I will never step foot in there again.  Is that weird?  I guess its just part of the recovery process, but to me it still doesn't make sense.  How could I even think of alcohol as being a comfort?  So many questions have been racing thru my mind this week, questions that I can't answer.  Questions that I may never get the answer to.

In light of some of the darkness I have felt today, I have felt so overwhelmed by the love and support that has been shown to me.  I know for a fact that people come into your life at the exact moment  you need them.  Whether it be God, or a Higher Power, I don't think that it's a coincidence.  I have an incredible friend named Jami who brought me a coin to work yesterday that has the serenity prayer on one side, and on the other it reads "To Thine Own Self Be True".  I've kept that somewhere against me since I got it.  In moments of hard struggle today I've taken it out of my pocket and read it. I even found myself closing my eyes and saying the serenity prayer.  I've never really thought about the words to that until now.  I can not change the past, I can't change what I have done, all I can do is move forward and accept and love myself.  That is hard for me to do right now.  Sometimes when I look at my sweet residents at work I think "If you knew what I have done the last 6 years, you wouldn't think as highly of me as you do."  I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, its just the way I feel.  I know in time that will go away and I will learn to completely love myself for exactly who I am.  I may love myself tomorrow, but today, I had a lot of struggles and felt a lot of guilt.  I don't know why I was given this second chance.  With all the people that die of alcohol overdose, I should be one of them.  Why did God spare me and take them?  Again, questions.  Lots of them.  I know that one day I will know why I am here.  I will know my purpose.  I will know why I was chosen to fight this monster.  So here's to day 10, and Ill choose to take another 24 hours.

Honesty

As I sit here it's Saturday night, well early sunday morning now, and I can't believe it. I am sober. The TV isn't spinning as I watch it, I'm not vomiting, and my mind is clear. This is the first Saturday night in 6 years that I haven't been completely smashed out of my mind.  Hi everyone, my name is Amelia, and I am an alcoholic. It wasn't until Thursday night that I actually said those words out loud to a group of people. I never thought that day would come. I never thought I would be the one standing in an AA meeting admitting to people I barely knew that I am an alcoholic.   Step 1, surrender. I think that one must be the hardest step, it was for me.  So here is my story...

Now my story doesnt start with me having a horrible upbringing and coming from alcoholic parents and such, like a lot of alcoholics. I think a lot of people have that misconception.  I had the best childhood a girl could ask for. I had the most amazing parents who loved me dearly, and I was so happy.  I believed in my religion with all my heart and never wavered.  The only time I was ever around alcohol was when I would visit my grandpa on Sundays.  He was always sipping on a double vodka cranberry.  I have always been more of the curious type, so naturally I wondered what it felt like to be drunk, but still never wavered in my beliefs.  When I turned 18 I moved down to Cedar City for school and had the best roommates ever. I absolutely loved my first year of college.  I met, who I thought at the time, was the love of my life.  We got engaged after a year of dating and I was preparing to get married in the SL temple.  Life was going just as I had planned and dreamed as a little girl.  The wedding date was set for June 18, 2004.  I remember going thru the temple on June 15th and having so much love and support from family and friends.  I was making everyone so proud and I felt proud of myself. The night before the wedding my world came crashing down.  My fiancé called the wedding off.  It was one of the most surreal experiences I have ever faced.  To this day it seems weird that it actually happened to me and I am sitting here writing about it. I made it thru.  I made it.  At the time I didn't think I was going to.  It seems like life is a constant "I made it thru" moment. At least it is for me.

After my wedding I didn't know what to do.  I was now 19 wearing garments with no real idea what that meant.  All I knew was that I couldn't take them off just because I didn't get married.  To me it didn't seem fair, but because of what I was always taught I wore them religiously for 2 years.  About six months before my 21st birthday I started having second thoughts about everything.  I didn't understand a lot and felt like I was stuck in something that I couldn't get out of.  I was living in fear of everything. What would happen if I slept without my garments on? What if I missed church?  I knew that this was not how God wanted me to feel.  God is not fear based, God is love.  No one should feel fearful of what happens to you when you take your garments off.  So I did it, I took them off.  I walked out into the world without my garments.  It felt good to not have to put on a perfect face anymore.  I could be me. 

On my 21st birthday I got invited to go out with a few friends to the bar.  I was skeptical because my parents were already hurting that I took my garments off and was not going to church, so it took a minute to decide what to do.  I lied that night about going out drinking, and little did I know that 8 years later I would still be lying, not only to them, but myself.  Until today. I will not lie anymore, I am going to be 100% honest, real.

The second alcohol touched my lips I was hooked.  I've been taught this week that it's actually a disease.  It's something that you are born with.  It's like cancer or diabetes, it needs to be treated or you will die. At first I didn't think I was hooked.  I just knew I liked going out and I liked to party.  When I was 22 I got into a relationship with a really awesome guy, he drank, but I didn't think it was a big deal.  I thought it was cool that I was able to go home and make myself a cocktail and relax.  I was told that it was normal to go home and have a cocktail.  If you aren't an alcoholic, it is, but if you have a brain like me, its not.  I remember every day just really looking forward to going home to that drink. I would make myself a cocktail as soon as I walked thru the door. At first it was one or two, but as the years went on it turned into 3 and 4 with a few shots in between.  I still talked myself into thinking it was normal because I was home relaxing.  I found myself some nights going to bed, then as soon as my boyfriend fell asleep I would get up and go in the kitchen and take 3 or 4 more shots.  Jason used to make the comment all the time "Wow, it seems like this vodka is running out fast.  I swear we aren't drinking this much." I would always tell him that we were and try to talk him into thinking he had more than he did.  Lies. I was lying again.

A few years into mine and Jason's relationship we started fighting a lot.  I've learned over the past few days that it's hard for alcoholics to hold relationships, unless they get help.  I believe that to be true now and I blame alcohol for my breakup with Jason.  When him and I moved to MT it was kind of a last ditch effort to  fix things.  We had good days, but we also had a lot of bad.  Most of those days I was drunk.  I don't think Jason knew truly how much I was drinking.  A lot of times before he would come home from work, if I was home first, I would take a few shots just to start the night. Sometimes it would be up to 6 or 7 quick ones.  The problem with an alcoholic is when we drink it changes us.  It turns us into a different person almost.  I remember one night actually throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it.  That is not Amelia.  That is alcohol.  I remember calling the one I love the most horrible names.  I remember just blacking out at night then getting up and starting it all over again. Waking up knowing there was a fight but not remembering what was said.  I still didn't think I had a problem.  I just told myself I was dealing with a hard relationship.  Excuses.

When Jason and I broke up and he moved out is when it got really bad.  I would go to school, stop at the liquor store, and go home and drink.  The entire bottle.  Now those 3 or 4 shots weren't working.  I had to have a pint to feel it.  I remember waking up some mornings and my mom would call me and talk about things that we spoke about the night before on the phone.  I would have zero recollection of talking to her. I would play along as if I knew what she was talking about but could not remember. I had friends in MT that would tell me that I drank a lot, a couple of my friends would call me "cocktail girl" as a joke. I thought it was funny.  I didn't think it was a concern at all because I was dealing with a breakup and I was single. Again, excuses.

When I moved back to Utah is when it started to click that maybe I had a problem. I was so used to living by myself and doing whatever I wanted and now suddenly I was back in a religious setting where nothing I would normally do was aloud.  I remember panicking because I didn't know where I was going to drink at night to "relax". That didn't stop me though, I started putting it in my car and running out all night and drinking vodka straight out of the bottle.  By the time I went to bed at 10 I was wasted and no one could tell.  I was very good at playing it off.  Alcohol was the way I could sleep at this point, and it wasn't just a drink at this point.  People would make comments to me about my drinking but I would always defend myself and say that I was fine because I never drank in the morning and I had never had a DUI. Excuses. Excuses!! Alcoholism doesn't always mean that you drink in the morning.  It doesn't mean that you have a bunch of DUIs. Alcoholism is a disease.  You can't just have a drink like a normal person and enjoy it.  There is no controlled drinking

On the weekends I would go out with friends and my bar tab was always more than everyone else's.  I would go out and get so drunk that sometimes my friends would have to pull over so I could get out of the car and vomit. I would come home so drunk that most of the time I couldn't make it upstairs without holding onto everything in sight.  My mom would come upstairs and ask me what I had been doing and I was so drunk I could barely hear the question. I slightly remember some nights trying to smooth things over telling her I only had one.  She knew I hadn't, but lying to her was the only thing I knew how to do when it came to alcohol.  I couldn't hurt her anymore than I knew I already had in my life.  I had to lie.  Most of the time I was still nursing the bottle in my purse that she couldn't see.  I know one day I am going to have to apologize to her.  She deserves that.  She never deserved waking  up at 2am from me falling down a flight of stairs.  I cant imagine the worry I put her through. Maybe one day when I have my own child I'll understand.  I know that my mom is the only one in this world that could handle me, and God knew this when he gave her to me.  That is one thing that I am grateful for thru all this. 

Because of my partying on the weekends, Sunday's have never really been the best days. To me, the only word I have been able to associate with them are "hungover".  I have been so hung over to the point where I throw up til 4pm.  This happens most Sundays. My mom would ask me why I would lay in bed all day and I would just say I was tired from the work week. Sometimes I would lay in bed til 8pm.  I would lay there and cry because I wanted to change so bad and be like a normal person.  I would look on FB and be so jealous of all my friends who were out doing things. I wanted to be like that, but didn't know how.  I didn't know how to be normal. I was a slave to the bottle.  It was my friend, but it was also my worst enemy. Its like a hate/love relationship. When it's around it calls to you and makes you feel like the only way you are going to feel good is if you drink, or you won't be able to sleep unless you get drunk.  It's a never ending battle, and It takes a wake up call to actually change.  My wake up call happened a few weeks ago.  I remember waking up one Sunday morning and I was completely soaked in my own urine.  I had drank to the point where my brain was no longer connecting to my body. I shouldn't be alive, I shouldn't be here typing this. I have never in my life felt like that. It was that moment of low that I cant explain.  I knew that I had to do something because if I didn't I would die.  I cant live like this anymore.  I cant, and I won't. So here I am. I'm not going to lie and say I enjoy being sober.  My body feels better, but because of how my brain works I just naturally like being drunk.  I won't give in though, I won't. I am going to overpower the one thing that has overpowered me. I'm going to take this challenge that God has given me and make it just a slight stepping stone to my next place.  I hope one day I can help other people that struggle with addiction.  I've got this.  Today, day 7. One week sober. Come with me on my journey to sobriety.