Day 189

Last Memorial Day I remember very well.  I drank more than normal the night before because I knew that I only had to see 2 patients the next morning.  As usual, when I woke up, I was sicker than a dog and spent a few extra minutes in the shower with my finger down my throat.  I went and saw my two patients, then got home to my mom watering the flowers outside.  Obviously since it was a holiday I was going to start drinking early, so I already had my vodka upstairs in my backpack in my closet.  Thats where I always kept my bottles.  I tried to keep them in a place where no one would look.  I remember going upstairs and immediately taking a big swallow of vodka right out of the bottle.  When you drink as much as I did, it hits you pretty immediately, so I was wasted before I made it back down the stairs to chat with my mom.  It was 11am and I was feeling great, or at the time I thought I was.  My mom was always so cute and naive.  She probably said a few times a week, "What is that smell?  Have you been drinking?", but because I am an alcoholic, I was really good at making up excuses.  She never questioned.  There were definitely a few times where she looked at me funny, but I always had a way of making it better.  I am still angry at myself for a lot of the lies I told, and I don't know when that anger will go away, but I have to assume that it does.  I remember that day only having 2 bottles of popov in my backpack, which were the pint size.  Each of those had 12 shots in them, and I could get thru the first one pretty fast.  Not having enough vodka always stressed me out, especially on a holiday because the liquor store is closed.  I remember finishing the first bottle and telling myself that I wasn't going to start the second one until later because I needed to have enough to finish out the day.  Ya, that didnt work.  I had the second one finished by 5pm.  Two full bottles.  24 shots.  Wow.  It is shocking to me writing down the amounts that I would drink.  I honestly cant believe that I didnt have serious liver problems.  I am sure it wouldn't have been long before those health problems would have started to show signs.  I remember when that second bottle was gone I was so upset because I didnt know what I was going to do for the rest of the night.  I mean, its a holiday!  I had to be drunk right?  I think I text like 5 people to see if they had an extra bottle I could buy off of them.  None of them did.  This meant that I would sit up in my room for the rest of the night because I could not socialize around family without drinking.  I am sure I was already beyond wasted with 24 shots in my system, but it didnt matter.  Ugh.  Still, writing this out makes me so sick.  I can't believe my mentality.  I wasted a lot of time up in my room drinking out of a bottle that wasn't giving me anything that I was looking for.  What I was looking for was downstairs in the living room where my family was sitting, I just didn't know it at the time.

 As I sit here on this Memorial Day I can't help but be a little bit choked up at the difference a year makes.  Lately I have been really been trying to investigate my behaviors and why I do certain things.  Like, why I have a wall up with some people, but not with others.  Or why I feel like I still need approval from a certain few.  I've realized that being honest with yourself and actually looking at things as they are can open your eyes to things that have been right in front of you for a long time.  This happened to me last Saturday.  Well, I guess a week and two days ago. I know I sound like a kindergartener, but over the last 6 months I feel like I am getting to know myself, and learning why I do the things I do.  I started drinking so long ago, that it’s like I didn't know who I was when I quit.  I panicked in certain situations because I didn't know what to do.  It’s a cool experience learning all these things, but also a little bit weird.  Ok, so here’s what happened to me.

As most of you have seen, I have a friend named Billy, who I met just under 2 years ago. We met each other at the most crazy time for the both of us.  You know how it goes, you meet someone new, the sparks are flying, you aren't really thinking straight, and sometimes you jump in way too fast.  That’s what happened.  This is really weird for me because at the time I had a "fuck off" toward men stamped on my forehead I feel like.  I was turned off by the whole notion of men because of my recent breal-up.  Infact, the night I met Billy was because my friend Steffanie dragged me out of my house after not leaving for a few months.  She told me that she had a friend who played in a band and she wanted me to come with her and husband to watch them.  Well, the drummer of that band was Billy.  And, as usual, I was drunk when I met him.  A few weeks into mine and Billy's relationship we started dropping the "I love you's" on a regular basis. It was then that we realized how fast we were moving and decided that maybe we should slow it down a bit.  I was still living at home, and obviously an actively drinking alcoholic, and he was going thru his own stuff, so pumping the breaks was a good thing for both of us at this point.  He was not aware of my alcohol problem, I mean, he knew I drank quite a bit, but didn’t know the extent of it.  He did mention a few times, "Why can't you just have a drink to relax? Why do you have to get drunk all the time?".  I never had that answer for him, until now.  The thing about Billy was he always made sure that I made it home ok.  I always woke up the next morning in my own bed, and its because Billy put me there.  My parents knew that if I was with Billy, I would make it home in one piece.  Not just that, but I was guaranteed to have all my belongings too.  A lot of times I don’t remember getting home, so it was so nice that I could know for a fact that I would be in one piece the next morning when I got up.  Billy was just all around awesome.  He was 12 years older than me, and we led very different lives, but for some reason we just clicked.  Nothing about it made sense, but it was ok.  Sometimes everything isn't supposed to make sense.  When we decided to take a step back, things changed, but we still spoke all the time and even hung out.  The "I love you's" went away, but somehow a really awesome friendship developed.  That usually does not happen with break-ups, but it did with us.  This is where I can look back now and know that God had a part in this.  I can't explain it, but there was something different about Billy and I.  I had such a wall up from my break up with Jason that I know I was having many ups and downs with my emotions and how I felt.  Billy was also going through a lot himself, so he too was pretty up and down.  We spent a lot of hours talking about our lives.  There were nights that we stayed up til almost morning talking about things.  Maybe that was the difference, we could connect on that level, who knows, but it worked.  And the cool thing about our relationship was we were both ok with being "friends".  I realized that he was way older than me, and that maybe I never even liked him in the first place.  I put my "tough girl" hat back on and basically told everyone that he was just my friend, no feelings otherwise.  The only problem with this type of relationship is that even though you have the understanding that you are just friends, it’s hard to go backwards.  We still hung out all the time, and did all the things that couples do.  We weren't together every single day, but a lot.  Still though, I was ok with that.  I only wanted to be friends.  I didn’t care.  There was that wall again, and this time it was thick.  When I decided to become sober and wrote my first blog, it shocked him a little.  I mean, he was around me the most over the past year, and he was not aware how much I was drinking.  I wasn't sure how he would react, but was surprised with how accepting he was.  Actually, I'm not surprised.  That’s just the type of person he is, and I’ve realized he is exactly the person I have needed in my life.  Let me put it this way.  Billy has been my "person" over the last 2 years.  Have you guys seen Grey’s Anatomy?  Meredith and Christina are each others “person”.  That’s exactly how I have felt for Billy.  We had that short relationship at the beginning, but ever since we've somehow been able to go backwards in a good way.  That is very rare that two people can do that, and I know that it is mainly because of him, not me.  Through this sobriety journey he could have left numerous times.  He has listened to me cry over Jason.  He has been there for me in the night when I am a mess.  He drops whatever he is doing and comes to be with me, even if it is just laying by me so I can sleep.  There have been times when I have been so out of control screaming and yelling at him in a drunken stupor, but yet he still remains the same, he doesn’t go.  Sometimes I have done things to see if maybe I will push him away, but it hasn't worked.  He still stays.  He helped me move, brought me over food, replaced my side mirror when it ripped off of my car, when I was drinking all the time he dealt with my ups and downs and even some vomit a few times.  He rode his bike behind me when I was training for my half marathon last year, and even picked me up at 2am and drove me to it in Moab.  He was even there when I finished with his camera.  He knows what I usually want to eat for dinner.  He usually knows why I'm bugged before I do.  In some ways I feel like he knows me better than I do.  He has been the one that has seen me at my absolute worst, and is seeing me come into my best.  Truly, I have never met a person like him.  Even still though, when people ask, I am very adamant that we are just friends.  That’s what I have always said, and what I have came to believe, until my heart told me otherwise last Saturday.  I had to work overtime that day, so I asked Billy if he would hang out with Annie for a while.  He said yes, of course, and sent me pictures the whole time he was with her.  I just smiled every time I got one.  It was so nice of him to do that with all the overtime I have been working.  I feel so guilty leaving Annie as it is, so it meant the world.  When I pulled up to my apartment, I walked up the stairs and opened the door.  There he was, lying on my couch, watching a movie with Annie.  That’s when it happened.  It was probably the strongest thing I have ever felt.  In all the years I was with Jason, I don't think I have ever had a feeling this strong toward him.  It was like something hit me over the head with a 2x4.  Maybe it was me just being happy that he was there with Annie, I dunno, but something in my heart changed.  It almost made me cry it was so strong.  I realized, and I swear I almost said out loud, "I love you.  Oh my goodness gracious I love you."  I didn’t say it though.  I held it in and just said hi and kept going on with the night like normal.  The next week was the same.  I thought maybe it would ware off, but it didn’t.  I wasn’t sure if I should tell him or not because we have spoke many times that he is going to date other people and so am I.  I didn’t want to put any pressure on him.  After battling in my mind for a few days, I decided to just tell him.  Oh well.  I haven’t said those words in years and it scared the living snot out of me, but I knew that I had to be honest with myself.  However vulnerable it makes me, or however many of the dating rules I was breaking by doing it, I didn’t care.  This time the “I love you” meant a whole lot more than it did in the beginning because this time I was stone cold sober, and I was feeling this to the fullest extent that I could feel.  When I told him it happened to be in a text, and we were sort of arguing at the time, mainly because I knew what I wanted to say but wasn’t saying it so then the argument started over something so dumb.  Then I sent the text that just told him how I felt.  It didn’t quite go the way I wanted it to, but that’s ok.  At least I told him.  The rest of that day I was a mess, infact, I have been a blubbering mess ever since.  Its better now, but I’ve just been so emotional.  I don’t know why really, maybe it’s because I am confronting things that I usually do drunk, who knows, but it’s a weird feeling.  Things are still ok with him and I.  I guess I will take him however I can get him.  To me, I would rather have him in my life than not at all, and its awesome that we have built such a great friendship to fall back on.  At least I know exactly the type of guy I want to marry.  I want him to have every single quality that Billy has.  Billy makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed.  He is so sensitive and cuddly, but still a mans man and loves sports.  He would do just about anything for me if I asked, and is always there at the drop of a hat.  Not just that, but he is the one guy in my life that I can say has not left.  How many people can you say that about these days?  Even through the most ugly times, he didn’t go anywhere, and that is how I know that God was watching out for me when he gave Billy to me.  Maybe in some ways he’s a real life angel, and we are just supposed to help each other.  Whatever the reason, I am grateful every day to have him in my life.  So that’s that.  I’ve started dating and actually feeling quite good.  Maybe the honesty helped me to be able to get myself out there, but I am feeling much more relief.  Having said this, this quote I find to be perfect.

I start training for my full marathon on June 2.  I am so excited this time around because I don’t have to plan my runs on when I am going to be hung over.  That was such a drag.  I could never do my long runs because I was always super hung over on Saturday mornings.  Now, I don’t have to worry about that.  I can get up at any hour of the morning and go for a run and feel great.  My body is so ready to do this race.  It’s been a goal of mine for so long I can’t wait to cross that finish line.  Portland here I come!!!!

Everything else is great.  I absolutely love my job.  They take such great care of their employees and I have met so many awesome people.  Life is just good.  I am so happy living as a sober person, despite the hard moments.  I am not jealous of other people when they go out.  I would rather stay in, have a cup of coffee, and watch a movie with Annie.  It’s the simple things I enjoy now.  Thank you all so so much for reading my blog.  I love you!  I love all my instagram friends.  They inspire me from all over the world!  What a great life this is.  Here’s to day 189 sober.

My cute cousin Ryane. I love this girl.

My friend Rebekah came to visit me last week. One of the best nurses and people I know. She gives me so much hope and is so positive. 

Love from SLC,

Amelia

6 Months

Wow.  Where do I even begin?  I have so many things to write, so I guess ill just let my fingers go and see what happens.    I have really missed blogging, and even though things are going well, I can still tell a difference when I am not writing.  This is such a good way for me to get things out and make sense of what’s going on.  I can’t believe all the things that have happened since my last post.  I think the last time I wrote was at my 4 month sobriety date.  Actually, I did write a littler blerb last week, but then didn’t follow up on that.  I will do that now. 

Ok, first things first, I am in my new place.  I moved out of my last apartment on April 25^th and got my own place with Annie.  I knew I was going to have to be out of my last place by the end of April when I moved in last August.  There are really no words to describe how happy I am to be out of where I was living.  They say that through sobriety you will realize who your true friends are, and that is exactly what happened with my last roommate.  I met her in 2008 in chemistry class, and it was like instantly we connected.  We were exactly the same in every way, or so I thought.  I was with Jason at the time, so I didn’t really hang out with her that much, but when we did we had a blast.  The only thing we ever did together though was go to the bar, which was fun, but that was all we did.  I kinda lost touch with her over the years, then reconnected on facebook last year.  She asked if I was looking for a place to live, and it happened to be at the perfect time because I had just got kicked out of my moms for coming home drunk one too many times.  So I moved in with her thinking it would be so much fun and so perfect.  I mean, we were so much alike.  Obviously I was not in the best place when I first moved in, and living with a person I usually only drink with anyway didn’t make things better.   I started my sobriety journey 3 months after I moved in with her.  I could feel a difference in our friendship the second I got sober.  I am by no means a perfect person, but I can tell you one thing, if my friend was trying to become sober, I wouldn’t do some of the things that she did through those last few months.  It was in those months that I realized what I had been told was true.  You do find out who your true friends are, and realize the ones that are just your “drinking” friends.  Sitting back and watching her and all her friends made me realize exactly why I became sober. The drunk, beligerant, screaming at 1:30am, no consideration for other people…. Just wow.  If I acted like that when I was drinking, then I have a lot of people to make amends with.  I am not going to go on about that, lets just say I am glad to be out, and with the events leading up to moving out I know that it was meant to be that April was my last month.  As stressed as I was the last month scrambling to find a place, it was all so worth it.  My life right now is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I first moved back to Utah in 2011.  The things they promise in AA are coming true, and I am living proof that there is something out there bigger than I am.  It’s really true when they say that’s all you need to start the process.  Just being willing to believe there is something out there bigger than you that can help you become sober, because obviously you have lost all power to do it on your own.  Do I know exactly what that "bigger" thing is yet for me?  No.  I am not sure I need a definition.  I feel content just believing, and being able to clearly see the miracles in my life when they happen knowing I am being taken care of and watched over. It's a feeling for me. I do say God a lot, but am not going to define that God as any specific person.  I never did very well in the structured religion, which is why the AA philosophy has worked so well for me.  I believe, I see, I feel, I give thanks, and I am sober.  That’s what spirituality and God means to me.

 Life is good.  Sobriety is even more amazing, and I can’t even begin to explain what it has given me.  The list is endless.  I am sitting in my own apartment with Annie at my feet because of it.  This place is mine, and I am finally making things happen for myself.  Again, promises.  I am still taking it day by day, but as time goes on it get a little bit easier and the defense against that first drink gets a little bit stronger.  Of course there is always shit to work through, but you learn how to manage it instead of drowning in the bottle.  These past few weeks have been a bittersweet 
experience as I have moved through a lot of shit.  Moving does that to you.  The one good thing is though, I have stayed sober through it all.  Let me start from the beginning…

Mid march I started getting a little bit stressed out about where the heck I was going to live.  I knew I had to be out April 30^th,  but I had no idea where I was going to live, or how I was going to afford it.  Moving is always expensive, especially if you have a dog because you have the pet deposit, etc.  I had just enough money to pay my rent every month, but not a penny more.  Every place I looked at online required first and last months rent, plus a large deposit just to move in.  There was no way that I could afford that, so what was I going to do?  Plus, at the time I just wasn’t feeling that great about where I was living, and my mom and I weren’t speaking either.  Things were far from awesome and I could feel my old alcoholic brain slipping back in.  The self-pity, negative, and “why 
me” thoughts were becoming frequent at the time.  I wasn’t drinking, but you would have thought I was.  With one month to go and no answers on what I was doing, I decided to just pray.  Just ask.  I realized that the negative thoughts were not getting me anywhere, and I needed help.  When I prayed I just pretty much gave it all away to “God”.  I made a pact with God that I would do whatever it took, I just needed a miracle, and I needed to find a good place 
for me and Annie to live.  I told God all my dreams and what I wanted.  The next day I started looking again and came across some apartments in Midvale that I had seen a couple times before.  I decided to call just to see what the rent would be.  The girl told me that the deposit would be $400 with crappy credit, but $0 with good credit.  She also mentioned the dreaded pet deposit of $300.  I knew that my credit wasn’t the greatest so I would probably be at the $400 level.  I could feel the negative thoughts creeping in again, but pushed them out and remembered the pact I made.  A few days after I spoke to her on the phone, I was sitting at my desk at work,  when an email popped up. It talked about a meeting we were having that day as a company.   It seemed important, and there was no mention of any meeting prior, so I was a little bit nervous.  When we all walked in the room, there was a few people there that I did not recognize, along with the CEO of Progressive.  Something was up.  They began to explain that we had just got bought out, and what a great thing it was going to be for Progressive.  Then they said this…. “We are giving everybody a bonus with this new buyout.  With every 3 months you’ve worked you got $250."  I had just hit my 6 month mark THAT WEEK.  So, I got a $500 bonus, direct deposited into my account the very next day.  Wow.  The whole rest of that meeting I couldn’t even focus.  I KNEW that was God.  I knew it.  My prayer was heard.  That was my deposit, and I could now go apply for that apartment.  Tears of gratitude ran down my face the whole way home that day.  I called my mom and my sponsor Cindee to tell them, actually, I think I called everyone in my phone book.   In my whole entire life, I really never knew with a surety that there is a God, until that moment.  It was a spiritual awakening, even more than what I had on my 90 day.  It was almost like God was saying “Uh, hello Amelia, I am here, and I am watching out for you!”  The difference this time was I recognized it and knew exactly what I had witnessed.  It didn’t end just there either. Later that week I got moved to a different department at work which included a raise.  That and my bonus was everything I needed to move.  The very next week I went to the apartment complex to see what my deposit would be, and to my surprise I got approved with $0.  I only had to pay the pet deposit and a few other fees.  It all came out perfect.  I had enough to move, and I was going to be able to afford this place on my own with my new raise.  As I sit here and type this I am still in awe at how this all happened.  Maybe it is just a coincidence that 
everything lined up so perfectly.  Maybe the skeptics are right, and there is nothing higher than us.  Maybe it is science based and I just happened to be lucky that week.  Whatever the answer may be, I just know that ever since I let go of all my insecurities and believed that things could happen for me, they have.  I know there are going to be hard days to come, and things aren’t going to always line up that way, but I think to be challenged spiritually is a good thing, at least it was for me.

So that was that, I moved a week later into my new place.  I have been in awe at the generosity that has been shown to me since I moved in.  My dear sweet friend Raychel, whom I have no words for these days, helped me get all my stuff out of my other place and packed in the truck.  Her kids helped too. What an amazing family.  My dad let me use his truck whenever I needed it, and also helped me move stuff up the stairs and into my apartment.  Some of the stuff was quite heavy too, and at 61 years old that can’t be the easiest thing!  My mom gave me things from her house to help me get settled, as well as Billy.  I have had so many friends come over to see my place and say hi and I just feel so overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  It has been so great getting settled in and finally having a place to call my own.  

As fun as this has been though, moving also comes with unpacking boxes. When I first moved home from Montana, I remember just throwing everything into a storage unit.  That was 3 years ago, and I haven't been back to that storage unit until now.  Because I was so wasted when I packed up to move home,  I couldn’t remember exactly everything I had.  I knew it was all stuff from mine and Jason’s 5 year relationship, and when you live with someone for that long, that’s a lot of stuff.  I didn’t know what to expect, especially unpacking sober, so I started with the first box.   What a bittersweet few days those were, and still are.  When I mentioned going thru some shit, this is what I meant.  I had everything from pictures to dishes from those 5 years. I had our sheets that went on our bed. I had all of our decorations.  I had our little air conditioner that we slept with in our room every single night.  I had our kitchen table and the recliner that I got for Jason a few years into our relationship.  There was a lot.  I was actually doing ok going through all of it until the very last night.  Billy was over here laying on my bed while I was unpacking everything, and I opened a box and saw a black digital picture frame at the bottom.  I knew that my mom got us this picture frame for Christmas one year, but I couldn’t remember for the life of me what was on it.  Well, so I plugged it in and started to play it, and for some reason I lost it.  It took everything I had not to break down in front of Billy.  Everything.  After he left I sat there and just stared at everything.  Here I was, standing in my living room, in the middle of all the things that I held the most dear to my heart for 5
 years of my life.  The only difference was this time I was alone.  It’s a really weird feeling.  I can’t explain it.  I am sure that those of you who are divorced know exactly what I mean.  Not seeing those things for a few years, and then going through it all, brings up a lot.  Who would have thought that a coffee mug with peppers on it would bring back so many memories, or the throw pillows we kept on our bed.  It was all a distant memory now, and something that I will always hold dear to my heart.  As I stood there and looked at all of it, I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad.  I was crying, but it almost felt like a relief.  It was like seeing all these things was exactly what I needed to let go.  I have been so angry in the past at Jason for what I thought he was doing, when really, he wasn't doing anything.  I think I was just holding onto something that I needed to release.  Even a few posts back when I was so angry….. I don’t even know what I was angry at.  Myself maybe?  Mad that Jason was with someone else now and not me?  Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with what I thought it was at the time. Weird how time makes you realize things.  After I got all the boxes emptied I text Jason and told him what I had found.  I sent him pictures of some of the things and we had a great talk.  We talked about memories over the years and some of the funny inside jokes we had.  We spoke of how life was going for each of us and what we are doing.  It was great.  As I have battled over the past few years since I moved home on what I feel inside for Jason, I finally think I have figured it out on some level.  Jason is someone that I will love for the rest of my life.  He took my heart first, so in a sense he was the one who awakened love inside of me.  He taught me what love is.  I don’t know if you ever really get over someone that you were with on that level and  for that many years.  Do you?  I think maybe I will know that in time, but what I do know for today is even though I love Jason, I know that we are not meant to be together.  I have been angry at myself for so long because of all the alcohol I consumed in that relationship, and how I let myself go to a place that is not Amelia, but with sifting through all of our things and unpacking 5 years of my life, I am humbled.  I am 
not angry anymore because I know what I had with him was real, and necessary for my life.  I can look at a decoration on my wall and smile because I remember the day we bought it.  I want Jason to be happy, he deserves it, as do I.  I ran across a quote last week that sums up exactly how I feel….

It really is so true.  Everything we go through shapes us.  There is no use being angry over the past because eventually it will ruin your life.  You may not drink it all away or hide it with drugs, but it will catch up to you one way or another.  Instead, just know that it all happens for a reason.  It may take quite some time to know the reason, but you’ll know.  I don’t have all the answers yet to why I was supposed to go through some of the things I have, but I’m just going to take it one day at a time.  That’s all any of us can do.  Because we only have today.  I know I am probably sounding so cheesy, but like I said earlier, writing things out helps me to sort through things so much easier.

So there you have it, my 6 month post.  5/18/13 is my 6 month sobriety date.  I will never forget 11/18/13 and how I felt that day.  Ill never forget writing my first blog and showing you all what was inside of me for so long that I couldn’t hide any longer.  Here is my 6 month sober transformation pic.....

I've said this before but I look at that old girl and I don't really know what to feel.  I am grateful for sure, but sad for the girl on the left.  That smile was fake.  I was so lonely.  I didn't know how to feel.  I was drunk 24/7, and when I wasn't I was onry as heck.  I did not love life.  I love it now.  :)

I love living as a sober woman.  I love that I know exactly what I want now and what I don’t want.  I love that my senses are so much stronger.  When I cry, I’m really crying.  It’s not because I am drunk.  I am crying because I am truly sad or happy.  It is so surreal to me. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that there is no alcohol in my body heightening my senses. These are my real feelings, and even if I am sad, I am grateful that I can at least feel the sadness and work through it.  I love my annie, I love living alone with her.  I love walking in my door to her kisses every single day.  I love Billy.  Do I love him as a friend, or do I love him?  I dunno.  I guess I will know in time though.  He's just an amazing person and I am happy to have him a part of my life.  I am so grateful for my family and my parents.  I am so happy that I have chosen a vegan lifestyle.  It’s been a 4 month transition, but something that I am very passionate about.  I am glad that I am learning these things about myself, and that I am doing things to make me happy, not another person.  I am grateful for all of you, thank you for reading my blog.  You are all amazing and inspire me daily.  Here are some pics as of late…

The first night we moved in!!!

I've got a porch with the coolest tree right in front of it.  Its so pretty in the evening!

Just hangin out

My awesome Aunt Suan brought me over this fruit basket and another bag of goodies!  She is so amazing.

I have started training for my marathon in October, and these are the pants I am going to wear.  Yes, bright pink.  And they are BRIGHT.  This photo doesn't do them justice.  I don't even care though.  Ill be 30 years old that week and I wanna finish in style!

Love you all!!

Amelia and Annie

Still here

Friends..... it's been so long I know! I can't wait to catch you all up on life!   So many things have been happening, for one I moved! I just wanted to check in and say that I'm still here, and I'm still sober! I've learned so many things lately and am finally realizing my worth. I can't believe the things I've been giving away the past couple years of myself, and am turning over some new leafs to not be that girl anymore. I'm so happy, love life and all it has to offer. I'll be catching you all up tomorrow, just wanted to check in!!!

Amelia

Time and Space. Day 142

This blog is a hard one for me to write.  I haven't written in a while, and for those of you who have sent texts wondering if everything is ok, thank you, and yes, everything will be ok.  The reason for me not writing isn't because I have relapsed, but I won't lie and say that there haven't been some close calls.  There is a reason why they say to stick with the program, and those reasons have become very apparent to me over the last month.  Even though I am still sober, I haven't done as well I should be with the work and meetings.  I haven't had any motivation, and to be honest, I haven't wanted to be around anyone.  Through not attending meetings and doing the "work", I have realized how bad I need it.  Just when you think you are on top of the world and can do anything, the addictive side of your brain proves you wrong.  I truly thank God for the AA community and the support they provide.  I am still pretty new to this, and I don't know everything, even if I think I do sometimes.

You are probably wondering what the title of this blog means.  Well, exactly how you are reading it.  Time and space, and seriously, for me, that is one of the hardest things in the world to do.  I know that sometimes it is necessary, but it is not something that you would ever anticipate having to do with the person you love the most in this world.

Along with realizing how much I need the AA program in my life, another thing I have learned this month is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, people just aren't going to understand where you are coming from.  It doesn't mean that either of you are wrong or right, but somewhere along the line your wavelengths became off and you no longer can see eye to eye.  That is the moment when space and time is necessary.  How this happens?  I don't know, but it does, and it is exactly what has happened with my mom and I.  As you all have read on my previous blogs, my mom is my best friend.  There is no one in this world that I love more than her.  One of the moments I realized how much I truly love my mom was last September when she broke her leg.  I happened to be working at the time I got the call, and it was like someone called and told me that she died.  I collapsed in the hall.  I haven't been that upset, ever.  Just knowing that my mom was in an ambulance with a broken femur made me sick.  And not just because I hated knowing the pain she was in, but because for a second there I got a glimpse of my life without her in it.  Even typing that out makes me cry, because I really don't know what I would do.  I think I would crawl in the casket and go with her.  Because of how much I love her, when she says things to me it affects me differently than if another person were to say the same exact thing.  For instance, if my friend called me and told me that she was disappointed in me for something, I would say sorry and move on real quick.  If my mom called me and said she was disappointed in me for the exact same thing, I completely fall apart.  I lose it.  It makes me want to drink, and NOT because of her, but because I hate to disappoint my mom.  I hate it.  I feel like I have failed in life if I disappoint her.  Maybe its because she is my mom, but I get so angry with myself that I just want to drink.  I tried to explain these things to her and because it was all over text and I was upset, I couldn't get it out the way I wanted to.  She took it as though I was blaming her for my drinking, when that is not at ALL what I meant.  I would never in a million years blame anyone for my alcoholism.  I am a recovering alcoholic because of  the choices I have made in my life.  I am in charge of me, and I take full responsibility.  My mom and I just haven't been able to get on the same wavelength with this concept, and it breaks my heart that she isn't understanding what I mean.  I do not blame her, if anything, she is the reason I am SOBER today.  She is the reason I am sitting here writing this blog and I am not drunk.  I think sometimes when things are heated and you are trying to explain things, it makes things worse.  You end up hurting feelings where you don't mean to, and somewhere along the line its like one of you is speaking English, and the other Chinese.  It was about a month ago that this happened with me and my mom, and I haven't seen her since, nor spoke to her.  This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my mom, besides when I lived in Montana.  Even when I  did live there though, we spoke every day.  In fact, I don't think I have ever gone more than one day (purposely) without talking to her.  I call her for everything.  I mean, everything.  She's the one I call when I have a bad poop or a bugger of a hangnail.  She has just always been my go to person, and my life hasn't been as full without her in it.  I have reached a lot of goals this month with my weight and running, and they haven't been as exciting to me because I haven't been able to share them with her.  Not just the good things, but this month has been trying in other ways and I haven't had my mom to call.  Like I said earlier.... maybe space is a good thing, but damn its hard.  I keep thinking of what it felt like to get that phone call when she broke her leg, and how much I promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn't ever go to bed angry with her, and here I am today.  They say that there is always a lesson to learn in situations like these, and through the hurt I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to learn.  Today I was feeling so sick to my stomach at work.  Not because of the situation, but I honestly just felt so nauseated.  I must have ate something that didn't agree with me, but whatever it was, I wanted to leave work.  I realized right then how bad I wanted to call my mom.  Whenever I am not feeling well, I call her, and this time I couldn't.  My mom is notorious for bringing soup or ice cream to you wherever you are when you are sick.  She always serves other people, and maybe I took advantage of that.  Maybe that is the lesson I need to take from all of this. I can't do that anymore. My mom has been the one I call whenever something isn't right, and now I can't call her and bitch if something goes wrong.  I can't imagine those are fun calls to get, and thru my addiction and recovery, she has been the punching bag.  So there you have it.  That has been what I have had going through my mind lately.  Sometimes the most uncomfortable things are the best lessons in life, and when you also learn the greatest lessons.  I am not writing this other than the pure reason of honesty and what comes from my heart.  There is no other motive.  I know I am not innocent, and have never claimed to be.  I am a very flawed person in a lot of ways, and am learning every day just how flawed I am.  Makes me so glad that I have a God to turn to when things aren't going as planned.

Anyway, so that is where I am at.  I haven't really had a whole lot of motivation to go to meetings or do much writing recently, but have realized that I need it in times like these.  I got a text from Cindee a few days ago and she reminds me just how strong you have to be to stay sober at times, and that it is ok to reach out for help.  I have kind of forgot about my AA community, and  have noticed that it has been really hard to stay sober lately.  With the stress lately, instead of turning to God, I have gotten angry inside and craved going out to the bar for a beer.  It just seems like everything is piling up at once.  My lease is up on April 30th, so on that day I will be homeless if I don't save up enough money to move.  I have found a place to live, just crossing my fingers that I will be able to afford the deposit.  I know I can do it.  I can, and I will.  And if I don't, I have had some amazing friends who have offered to let me stay at their place for a week until I save up the rest of the money.  I don't plan on doing that, but the offer is nice.  Having said all this, I am also looking for a new job.  I absolutely love Progressive Finance, but it is not paying the bills.  Last week a recruiter contacted me for an interview with an awesome new company, so I went, but didn't get the job.  I think that is the first interview I have ever had where I didn't get the job.  I was really hoping I would since it would have been a $2 pay increase, but its ok.  There is a reason I didn't get it, and there is something else out there.  I have started doing my waxing again, and also considered going back to hospice for some extra money, but honestly, right now I am just living day to day.  I have 22 more days until I have to be out of my apartment, and only I can make that happen.  Time to put my game face on.  Even with the stress of moving though, I can't help but be excited to live in my new place.  I will finally be in a place that is all mine and no one else's.  I get to start over new, and get all new stuff along the way.  I may only be able to buy one piece at a time, but ill start with a bed and a tv.  You gotta start somewhere right?  This is going to be fun, but I know that getting there will take great sacrifice.  In searching for places to move I have spent a great deal of hours on the computer, which can make anyone go nuts.  On Sunday I must have spent 10 hours straight staring at a screen.  After a while me and Annie just started taking pics.  I was laughing so hard because in every one she was posing.  Oh man, how I love her.  I can't even begin to describe the love I have for my baby.  I had no idea that I could love and depend on a dog so much in my life.  Unconditional love my friends, unconditional love!  

Other than that, the week has been good.  Billy was in Vegas for a week, which made me realize just how different my life is when he is gone.  What a strength he is to me.  The guy just amazes me and treats me so well.  How lucky am I to call him my best friend.  Along with Annie, the dude keeps me going.  Hes hilarious and can always make me laugh no matter what.  He understands, even when he doesn't.  Does that even make sense?  To me it does.  He listens to me, and not the type of listen where someone is looking at you but you don't know if they are hearing what you are saying.  He truly listens.  He gives advice, and doesn't always tell me what I want to hear.  He is definitely a straight shooter, which is what I need.  I am sure I sound like a broken record, but he's just awesome.

So that's that people.  That's where I am at, there is the update. I hope this brings all of you well.  I love you, and I vow to all of you to start working at my sobriety again and stop being lazy with it.  I will stay strong, for you.

Amelia and Annie :)

Day 135, Change Is Good

It's been a few days since I have blogged, I know.  So many changes have been going on, that it has just been crazy busy!!  Life is going better than ever though, and I feel more peace now than I ever have. 

Follow up from my last blog, the running and prep for my marathon is going great.  Official training doesn't start until June 2, but I have still been running consistently to make sure I can run a solid 6 miles the week I start.  Only 187 more days until my very first marathon!!  Ah!  I can't wait.  I have never been to Portland, but I hear that it is absolutely amazing, and I can't wait to see it for myself.  One of the followers on my recovery instagram page lives there, and she wants to meet up with me while I am down there.  It will be so nice to meet her!  It is so amazing that people I hardly know have become some of the most influential people in my life.  The bond that two people in addiction have is something different.  There is a level of understanding there that is unique and special.  Those are the types of people that I need in my life right now, and I am grateful for those of you who have stuck around.  

They say in recovery you will discover who your true friends are.  I think that is true for any type of change that happens in life really.  Whether it be recovery, coming out of the closet, big weight loss, change in religion, etc, you truly see who is there for you and who is not.  If any of you have experienced this type of change, you know exactly what people I am talking about. You feel like they are trustworthy, but in reality, they aren't, and it sucks bad when you find that out.  Still though, for a brief moment, you somehow try and figure out what you possibly could have done.... until one day, you don't anymore.  You wake up.  You realize that you didn't do anything at all, and then you just let go. You stop apologizing. You take care of you. If there is one thing I have learned this week, is that when someone gets upset at you, throws daggers at you, or tries to ruin your relationship with the ones you love, its usually about something going on inside of them.  It is never about you.  I truly know that to be true, and how I know this is because I used to do it when I was miserable, so I can spot it just like that.  I just know that at this point in my life, and with the changes I have made, I feel more confident to stand up for myself and say no. You don't treat me this way. Because once you cross me and try to turn the ones I love against me, you are dead to me.  Dead.  And there is little chance of that ever changing.  The trust will never come back again.  I don't need that, no one does. I got this quote this week from a good friend, and I believe this to be true! 

I love that quote, and I am glad for all the lessons I have learned, even the hard ones.  But I am confident that even the hardest lessons, and the ones that hurt you the most, are usually the most worth it.  I have decided to surround myself with people that make me want to be a better person, and people who bring me up.  One of those people, who I have mentioned a TON, is Billy.  What a guy.  What a freaking guy, and an answer to numerous prayers.  He continues to be the best person in my life.  I try to be just as good back to him, but I don't know if I will ever match up!  After I went running last Saturday night, I came in the house and he was already there waiting for me.  He had a candle that smelled so yummy, and little lights all around my room so that he could give me a massage.  Just what I needed after a run!   I made dinner, we hung out and just talked.  No drama. No motives behind words.  No fakeness, just honesty. I feel peace in my heart when he is around, and he is the type of person that makes me want to be better every day.  I thank God for him at least a few times a day. I really do have great friends, great parents, and the best dog. And how could I ever not mention my big brother who is my hero. I am a blessed person. 

Other than just life and the things that go along with it.... a lot has actually been going on.  The lease on my condo is up on April 30th.  I will be moving to a new apartment with my good friend Whittney Bell.  She is so freaking cool, more like a sister to me!  I am so excited to live with her.  We are looking for a place near Sandy/Draper since we both work around there, and are excited to move in together. I can't wait! On Sunday afternoon she came over to my house and we hung out like old times in high school. She went to the laundromat with me, the grocery store, and she even dyed my hair! Yes, after a whole year I finally did something with my hair. Thank you Whittney!!!!! It's my natural color, but I like it. I don't want anything fancy. Plus it was only 9 bucks! You can't beat that!

Just plain old brown. Just how I like it.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading. I am grateful for all your support! Oh and if you have any extra prayers, please send them my way! I had a job interview today for a job that I need and want. I had a recruiter contact me, which I thought was a sign, so I did the interview. Fingers and toes crossed!! Love you all!!!