10 Days.

I thought today would be a really happy post because today is my 10 day mark, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I'm going to be completely honest here, today was hard, today sucked, today I didn't feel like I had shit for courage.  I came home tonight and went straight to my bed and cried my eyes out for about a half hour, got up, took Annie out, and now I am here, staring at the computer, no words.  I don't even know why I cried, but I suppose its good for the soul.  Sometimes you don't need a reason to cry.  Sometimes you just cry.  For the last 6 years I have not felt my emotions.  Every time I got stressed with work or relationships I went straight to the vodka bottle.  It was my comfort, which is probably why I slept with a vodka bottle and a shot glass right next to my bed.  I am now having to deal with my feelings as they come and sometimes I feel completely powerless.  I know that as time moves forward, it will get easier, but right now I am in the fire.  Day 10, man, you threw me a curve ball.  I know that days like today are going to become my new "normal" though for a while.  I knew this when I took the first step.  I may have days where I feel like giving up, and that is OK, the only thing that matters is I don't.  I was thinking today how it feels like I have left behind an old friend.  Its like I almost wonder how alcohol is doing, I want to check in and say hi.  It's a comfort to me that there is a liquor store a mile down the road from me, even though I will never step foot in there again.  Is that weird?  I guess its just part of the recovery process, but to me it still doesn't make sense.  How could I even think of alcohol as being a comfort?  So many questions have been racing thru my mind this week, questions that I can't answer.  Questions that I may never get the answer to.

In light of some of the darkness I have felt today, I have felt so overwhelmed by the love and support that has been shown to me.  I know for a fact that people come into your life at the exact moment  you need them.  Whether it be God, or a Higher Power, I don't think that it's a coincidence.  I have an incredible friend named Jami who brought me a coin to work yesterday that has the serenity prayer on one side, and on the other it reads "To Thine Own Self Be True".  I've kept that somewhere against me since I got it.  In moments of hard struggle today I've taken it out of my pocket and read it. I even found myself closing my eyes and saying the serenity prayer.  I've never really thought about the words to that until now.  I can not change the past, I can't change what I have done, all I can do is move forward and accept and love myself.  That is hard for me to do right now.  Sometimes when I look at my sweet residents at work I think "If you knew what I have done the last 6 years, you wouldn't think as highly of me as you do."  I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, its just the way I feel.  I know in time that will go away and I will learn to completely love myself for exactly who I am.  I may love myself tomorrow, but today, I had a lot of struggles and felt a lot of guilt.  I don't know why I was given this second chance.  With all the people that die of alcohol overdose, I should be one of them.  Why did God spare me and take them?  Again, questions.  Lots of them.  I know that one day I will know why I am here.  I will know my purpose.  I will know why I was chosen to fight this monster.  So here's to day 10, and Ill choose to take another 24 hours.