Today, day 13. What does this mean? Tomorrow is 2 weeks, which means I am just about halfway to 30 days. I know I am supposed to take it one day at a time, but I can't help but think of how good it will feel to get that 30 day chip. When I get that chip and am able to stand up in AA and "share" with the group, I think I will feel more proud of myself than if I were to win the Nobel Peace Prize. A month ago I never thought I would be able to make it more than 13 hours, and now I am on 13 DAYS. Wow. I am still in awe of where I am at.
Let me just tell you, it feels amazing not waking up with a hangover. Amazing. It's honestly a foreign feeling to me. I still find myself waking up thinking "Ok, how sick am I today? Is today gonna be a throw up all day kind of day, or just a slight headache?" When I realize that I am NOT hungover and I have conquered one more day, I get a huge smile on my face. As hard as this fight is, those are the feelings get me thru the days, sometimes minutes when things seem impossible. I have been so wheepy the past few days. I don't know if its the alcohol leaving my system, but it seems I cry over everything. I cried a few days ago when I missed a green light. I just cry. I saw my uncle at the grocery store this morning, and when he asked how I was I started crying. I'm starting to think that the alcohol is leaving my body thru my tears, and that each tear that falls was a tear I was supposed to cry when I was hiding my emotions with alcohol. I dunno, just some thoughts.
Thanksgiving was a great day. I had to work in the morning, but that was ok. My mom had a dinner at 3, but I decided to stay home and spend some time alone. Lately I like being by myself. I feel like my emotions are so all over the place that being alone is where I can let everything out. Some may say that not spending time with my family on Thanksgiving is a selfish thing to do, but that's ok. Right now I need to be selfish and think of myself. I remember when I would drink the saying that goes "Who are you when no one is watching?" would cross my mind a lot. I would think of how much I hated myself when I was alone because all I would do was take shots of vodka, and sometimes 25 wasn't enough. Now, I can answer that question in my mind and not feel guilty for what I am doing. My mind is becoming clear. The chaos is getting less and less every day, and I find myself fighting maybe 3 or 4 battles in my head instead of 100. That's what it felt like some days. The battles I would fight in my mind were endless. The alcohol wouldn't stop until it won and I gave in and took that first shot to make them go away. I remember waking up some mornings and glancing to the side of my bed afraid to look at the bottle to see how much of it I had drank. Some mornings I would look at it and it would be gone. Not a drop left, and I wouldn't remember falling asleep. I would sit and think "I swear I didn't drink that whole thing."....like I said, battle after battle. Now, I don't see that bottle anymore when I wake up. I wake up to a feeling of accomplishment that I wouldn't trade for the world.
So, day 13. And what makes this day even better is it's a Saturday night. My second Saturday where I have not drank. I woke up today and made the decision to have a sober Saturday, no matter what was thrown my way. Bring it alcohol, you've got nothing on me!
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