Day 46 and New Years

The two things that I held onto the most when I was drinking were running and my CNA work.  There are many things that alcohol does to your mind and body, but the one that affected me the most is depression.  Alcohol is naturally a depressant, so usually the day after a binger people find themselves down in the dumps.  Obviously since I was drinking extreme amounts of alcohol every night, I felt depressed every day.  Some days more than others, but I was always depressed or had very high anxiety.  On the days I was feeling the most depressed I always knew that I was a good runner, and that my patients loved me.  Especially working for hospice, there were lots of days that my patients and their families got me thru.  I would get so many gifts and cards from families telling me thank you for taking care of their loved one in such a difficult time.  They would say things to me that I couldn't believe.  The alcohol had taken over my brain so much that sometimes when I would read the cards I still didn't really believe it. I knew that I was technically good at my job, but I just didn't know why these people liked me so much.  Maybe it is because I didn't like myself.  I can't wait to thank my patients who have passed on for how much they helped me.  I truly believe that they did more for me than I did for them.

Running has been a passion of mine since I was 12 years old.  It kind of runs in my family, but one thing that I have always been able to say is that I am a good runner.  I can go months without working out and still go out and run a good 5 miles.  There is something about it that I just love.  I know that it is a gift from God that I am a good runner because most people absolutely despise running.  To me, there is no better feeling than crossing that finish line, or being able to complete a few miles that you have worked so hard on.  Even if I only ran 1 mile, it was being outside on days that I was so down that gave me a little bit of hope. I knew that at least I was good at something.  I may be an alcoholic, I may not be a good cook, I may not be the skinniest one on the block, but I knew that I was a good runner. Every time I have run over the past 6 years I have been hung over, so I kind of lost what it feels like to have a good, hydrated run.  Today, I decided to go out and run 3 miles to see how it felt.  This is my first run since I got sober.  My sponsor Cindee always tells me to just live in the moment.  Don't think about the days ahead, just live in the moment.  So that's what I did today.  I tried to soak up each step.  I didn't look at my time, I didn't think about how crappy my run would be because it had been so long, I just ran.  I looked at all the beautiful scenery.  I thought about the fact that my body is actually hydrated this time.  It felt amazing.  I have decided that I am going to do one race a month this year.  That is the only resolution I made, well, besides staying sober.  I don't care if it is a 5K, I am going to run a race every month.  In March I am going to do the same half marathon that I did last year, but this time I will be celebrating 150 days of sobriety.  What a bittersweet moment that will be for me.  So, here are some pics from my run today.  I don't really like posting running/workout updates on FB anymore or gym selfies, so I will be posting all that stuff here on my blog, since it is part of my recovery.

Yay, all done! 

Each time I run, I am going to run for someone else who is struggling.  Today, I ran for someone who is very dear to my heart.  So many people struggle with addiction, my hope is that maybe I can reach even one person thru my journey and be an inspiration for them :)

Ok, so on to this week.  First, let me just say that I am SO HAPPY that the holidays are over!  I can't believe I made it through all of them without one drink.  Lots of tears were shed, lots of moments I almost left my house to go to the liquore store, but I didn't.  I made it through the holidays as sober as they come.  I had to work on New Years Day, so my New Years was pretty mellow. I hung with a friend, watched the ball drop, made some yummy food, and went to bed.  I was in bed by 12:30.  I wasn't interested in being on the roads or seeing a bunch of drunk people.  Really, staying in and hanging with Annie was all I wanted to do.  Ealier in the night I ran to the gas station to grab an energy drink (Ok, that is another resolution, I have got to stop with the Monsters), and when I was in line to check out, there was a couple in front of me.  The girl was already pretty lit up, and they were clearly buying mixers for rum and coke.  Shockingly, I wasn't jealous.  I knew that they were going to wake up with a hangover and I wasn't.  I used to be those people, and I definitely don't miss it one bit.  I want to stay as far away from alcohol that is humanly possible.

Besides the obvious New Years hurdle that I had to face this week, I have had a lot of other emotions going through me.  At times I don't even realize it is the process that I am going through that is causing all of it.  I have been battling a certain situation in my life for quite a while.  It is a situation that at times gets the best of my emotions.  Yesterday it got particularly bad and I was up til 1:00am just crying in my bed.  I don't even know why.  Nothing even sparked it, I just cried.  Normally I would drink away these feelings, but last night I just couldn't hold it in.  When I got up this morning I felt a little better, but still decided to ask Cindee for some advice on what to do.  Like always, I felt better after talking to her.  She told me that it is normal for me to feel these things, and it is ok.  Again, she said to live in the moment, just breathe.  She told me to ask God for a sign of what to do, and be open enough to see it.  Thats what I will be doing this week, and when I get into the moments like I did last night I am just going to feel it and let it be what it is, and trust in God that everything is going to be ok.

Anyway all, Happy New Year.  I hope that you find peace and blessings throughout 2014.  I love you all so much, it is you pulls me to the next day!!  XOXOXO

OK, this is WAY off the subject.  But seriously, do any of you have a dog that snores like this?  Seriously.  Good thing I love her so much :)