Day 78

I have two things on my mind today.  First, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Another addict taken from us from the awful disease called addiction.  I am glad so many people are becoming aware of addiction and realizing that it is actually a disease, like cancer or diabetes.  If not treated, you will die.  Addiction doesn't care how much money you have or how amazing your family or friends are.  It doesn't care how great your job is going or the promotion you just got.  It will get you.  So, today my heart and prayers go out to PSH friends and family, and to all those affected by this tragedy.  And today I am grateful for all addicts out there.  Whether it be drugs or alcohol as your addiction of choice, you can do it.  One day at a time.

Next, what a day.  Today the serenity prayer had more meaning to me than probably any other day since this experience started.  Today, another break-up, or so you could say.  I don't talk much about my relationship on social media for many reasons, one of them being you never know when you might get back together, so you feel like an ass when you do.  I do at least.  Plus, this one has had many ups and downs over the past year and a half, and I just didn't feel like sharing it on FB.  I feel like sharing my experience today though because this is the first time I have actually "felt" when those tough feelings came my way.  This is the first time I have really felt in years.  I am finding tears streaming down my face as I type this.  I have had a slew of emotions today, some mad, some sad, some content.  Whatever those emotions have been though, I am glad to be feeling them, as hard as it is.

You'd think that as you go through as many break-ups as I have, they get easier.  That's a myth.  They don't.  They get harder.  I am certain that my heart wants to break its way out of my chest, look at me in the eye and say, "Why do you keep punching me in the face?  Next time I may not survive this.".  I am starting to think the same thing.  I guess I can't be angry though because I have been asking God for direction and asking him to lead me to the places I need to go, no matter how hard the transition.  I didn't think he would take me that serious.  In the midst of today's events, I am so grateful for the wonderful things I have realized about myself though lately, one of those being in my last post.  But it is still hard saying goodbye to a best friend. Of all the relationships that I have been through in the past I can say that Billy was one of the tougher ones because he has the most sensitive heart.  He means well.  He showed me how I need to be treated.  He protected me and kept me safe when I was so drunk I couldn't function.  He saw things I am sure no boyfriend ever wants to see.  There were a few times I was so drunk when I went to bed that he turned around and came back after driving halfway home to make sure that I was still breathing in my bed.  He worries about me when its bad weather and I am driving.  He is so good with Annie.  He loves her, which made it easy for me to love him.  He is a fantastic father.  I envy the way his kids look up to him.  We loved Del Taco.  We went there almost every night we hung out.  The list goes on, and on, and I am grateful tonight for this experience.  Sometimes you don't know why things just aren't meant to be.  I guess you never know what the future holds, but for now, I am surrendering to whatever is meant to be for me.  I am saying OK.  Normally I would be passed out by now after what happened today, but tonight, I'm not.  I'm feeling.  We actually had a really nice talk before he left.  It was a mutual choice, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I guess the door could always be open, but for now, I am moving on.  So, the serenity prayer.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.".... that part of it hits home.  Sometimes its hard to accept the facts and move on.  Accepting that you can't change someone or something is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, which is one reason why I drank so much.  Its great at numbing the pain as you move from day to day.  I've found tonight though that it can feel just as good going through the emotions and letting them just come out in your tears.  Crying is healthy.  I know this is true because it has been a huge part of my recovery.

Thanks you guys for reading.  On today 79 tomorrow.  On to the first day of picking up the pieces, yet again.  This time, I will do it sober.