Day 94

Hey guys.  I promise I am still here, and I am still sober.  Not to worry!  I don't have a laptop, so I can only blog when I snag one from a friend or family member.  So thanks to my sister Allison for letting me use hers tonight so that I can blog.

Hmmmm...... Where do I begin.  I have had so many emotions lately and so many breakthroughs.  Its amazing how your mental and physical state change almost on a daily basis when you are going through the beginning stages of your sobriety.  I am now down to a whopping 132 pounds.  I am sure that those of you who have seen my posts on FB are getting tired of seeing the weight loss posts, and for that I am sorry, but I just get so happy that I want to shout it from the rooftops.  I wish that I could explain how it feels in words, but those words don't exist.

 On the morning of my 90 day I got up early to go to work, and when I was in my bathroom getting ready I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden I started to cry.  Here I was, staring back at a 132 pound woman who was celebrating her 90 day sobriety birthday.  I couldn't believe it.  It brought me to tears.  Ill never forget one Sunday morning back in 2012 getting up hungover only to read the scale at 211 pounds.  I remember just standing there feeling so bloated, depressed, and so full of alcohol that I felt like I was going to pass out.  Then, 4 days ago the same experience, but this time 132 pounds and 90 days sober.  Its a miracle.  I didn't think I could ever do either one of those things, and here I was waking up on a day when I had done both.  They say that at some point in your sobriety you will have what they call a "spiritual awakening".  I think that happened for me on my 90 day.  I was so overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, love, and happiness, and I had a sense of calmness that I have never felt in my life.  I felt peace.  I felt content.  I finally know what it feels like to be OK, and it has carried on with me to day 94.  It has been confirmed to me through my sobriety that God is there, and He is aware of me.  He never left me.  Even when I left Him for a while, He patiently waited for me to come back.  I am so so grateful for that, and for the feelings I have been having.  I have felt God this whole process, but not as much as I do now.  I now know what spiritual awakening they are talking about.  It makes me never ever ever want to have another drink as long as I live.  Sure, when I see alcohol the urge comes creeping in a little bit, but I wouldn't trade the way I feel right now for all the vodka in the world.  After about 17 failed attempts to quit, (and probably a liver that was about to send me a letter of resignation), I get it.  I finally get it.  My previous post where I shared a lot of the feelings I had growing up where I felt inadequate and insecure, those feelings are slipping away.  I almost want to put them in a box and lock them up and bury them somewhere.  Maybe I can do that, maybe I can write down all those experiences and losses and put them in a box and bury them.  They aren't going to dictate my actions anymore.  I know who I am, and I love her.  Last week I found a picture of myself when I was 4 years old in Aberdeen, Scotland and it choked me up a little bit.  I wanted to squeeze my own cheeks.  I wanted to give little Amelia a hug and tell her that everything is going to be ok and that I would be there on the other side to get her and take care of her.  What a beautiful feeling that is knowing that you can get a second chance to make things right.

A few nights ago I watched a movie that hits close to home.  It's called "When A Man Loves A Woman".  If you haven't seen it, watch it, even if its just for my sake.  It has Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan.  Meg Ryan plays an alcoholic who goes through recovery.  Andy Garcia plays her husband.  This movie is so amazing, and I relate so closely to the feelings Meg Ryan has throughout it.  There is a scene where she goes to her drawer in her bedroom and pulls out a bottle of vodka and drinks it straight out of the top, hiding from everyone.  That's what I used to do.  Hide bottles all over the house, leaving for work the next day hoping that you haven't left one out for someone to find.  There is one specific scene in this movie where Meg Ryan is at her 6 month meeting to receive her chip.  She stands up in front of the crowd and what she says is so profound, and so completely true for any alcoholic wanting a second chance. She is talking about her husband in this quote, but for any alcoholic, this could really be said to anyone.

 It's horrifying how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him; I tried to empty it onto him. But there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him that he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out because I knew if he ever really saw who I was inside, that he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now, he's moved away, and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get a second chance but I have to believe. That I deserve one. Because we all do.

I absolutely love that movie, and I believe in those words to the fullest.  Those exact words I feel I could say to my mom.  There have been many times in my life where my mom has saved me.  My mom slept in my room with me when my wedding was called off because I couldn't sleep alone.  My mom has been the glue that has held me together when I wasn't sure I could do it myself.  I have always been my moms baby, so I have always run to her when I was having a problem because my mom is very good at fixing most everything.  She is the most stable person in my life, and in a sense has followed my footsteps since I was a baby and cleaned up the crumbs that I dropped.  She picks up all the pieces and makes sure that everything is ok and put back together.  There were some nights where I was so drunk and I would call her from my room upstairs at midnight just to come talk to me.  My mom was there.  I am sure there were so many times that I would make her feel like she made me feel small and worthless, but it wasn't her, it was me.  I made myself feel small and worthless.  I am learning through this process that I can't run to her when things go wrong anymore.  I can't run to her to save me.  I need to learn to do this on my own and to help myself.  It's hard.  I am so used to calling my mom 10 times a day and telling her every last thing that is happening. That is why it is so hard when I receive texts like this..
            
"I just read your blog.  So very touched as always.  I am choked up as I sit here because I feel like I am not a part of your life anymore the way I used to be.  I miss that so much, but I understand that you need to be with people who you feel can help you the most with your sobriety.  I was really touched when you talked about listening to God and doing things that you maybe didn't understand why but had the courage and faith to do it anyway.  That is so brave and something that is hard for me to do.  Thank you for being the kind of daughter and sister and aunt that we can all look up to.  Someday soon you will find the man of your dreams and make a life with him and be even happier.  Not that you need a man to be happy but someone to share your life with.  I love you baby and am always here for you.  Never forget that. XX Mom"  

I miss my mom so much and I want so bad to be able to have her help me and be there for me like she used to, but I know that learning to help myself and pick up my own pieces is good for me.  I am learning how to be a better daughter so that maybe one day I can pick up her pieces when she is old.  She deserves that because she has given me a second chance that I'm not sure I deserve.  A few days ago she gave me one probably the most special gift that I have ever been given.  I wear it every single day, and will wear it every day the rest of my life.  It is a necklace with the serenity prayer on it, and then a place to put a picture in the back.  I put one of my mom and I in there, so that no matter what she will always be close to my heart.

Thanks for coming by and reading my blog.  It means so much to me, and I am so grateful for everyone who has supported me.  This has been a hard journey, but I've learned that the hardest things are usually the most worth it.  I've learned compassion, patience, dedication, and well, mainly the love that God has for me.  XOXOXO

Amelia...... and Annie :)