"We're all gonna die. We don't get much say on how or when, but we do get to decide how we are gonna live. So do it, decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? kinder? more compassionate? Decide. Breathe in...Breath out...and decide."
Amazing words if I have ever heard any, and just exactly what I have been needing to hear this week. God is so awesome, it seems that He always knows exactly what you need to hear, even if it's thru a silly TV show.
Well, I can't believe it. In a few short days I'll be at day 60. The last 6 days since I last wrote have been ok. I think I have just experienced so much change since August that sometimes it gets to me. Sometimes I think that's why I've lost so much weight. I started at Beehive Homes on August 1st, moved into a new place on August 17th, started a second job at Progressive on October 7th, started my sobriety on November 18th, left Beehive Homes on December 18th, and then started full time at Progressive Finance that very next day. I know that change is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just want things to just stay the same for more then a few weeks. Really, its been since July of 2011 that I feel things just keep changing for me. Sometimes I just want to explode. I promise I am not trying to play the "poor me" card, I think I just have a case of the negative Nellie's today, which is probably why I am watching some Grey's.
It seems like lately a lot of people been telling me to follow my gut. Whether it be Steffanie, Cindee, Marie, or my mom, each one of those people have told me that over the last few days. It seems like following your gut is the hardest thing to do, at least for me it is. Sometimes your gut tells you something that you don't necessarily want to hear. Sometimes it prompts you to make a change that may not be the most comfortable thing to do. I am definitely not perfect at following my gut, and I know that there are a couple of situations in my life at the moment that I need to do better, but its just so damn hard. All I know is that I am only 29 years old, and I'll be damned if I am not happy and content the day I enter my 30's. Not saying that I am not happy, but there are definitely some things that have been unsettled in me for a while that I need to get answers to. That's why the quote I heard today on Grey's made me think. Is this how I want to live my life? Is this the best I can be? I mean, I know that I want to live a sober life, but is where I am living today and what I am doing where I want to be when I turn 30? That's the magical question. If I wasn't so indecisive, a lot of things would have happened for me long before the age of 29.
For those of you who are my friend on Facebook, you probably have seen the numerous posts about me moving to Montana. I think I have posted that status no less than 25 times. Granted, most of those were drunk posts, but there was also partial truth in that. One of the things that has been the most unsettling in my life has been the fact that I miss Montana so fucking bad that some days its all I think about. My gut pulls me there. I feel like my body is here, but my heart is there. When I think of moving back to Billings I get so much peace inside. Like I've said though, I am the most indecisive person in the world, and following your gut is so hard sometimes. There are a lot of unknowns in making a decision like that, but lately with all the change that has been happening to me, I feel like maybe that's the answer. Maybe I do move. The problem is, I don't even know where to start. I see people every day whether it be on Facebook or people I work with, and they make these kinds of decisions so easily it seems. I have said I am going to move so many times that my family just laughs at me now. They don't believe me, and I can see why. I have a hardest time making the first step. Some people can easily make decisions and feel good about it. I wish I could do that. Maybe it's because my faith isn't strong enough in myself, or maybe its the simple fact that I can't leave my mom, but whatever the case, I need to figure it out because the nudge I keep getting to move back to Montana is driving me absolutely fucking crazy! I don't know who it is that is nudging me, but they are being very adamant about their point. Sometimes I feel like all this change and unsettlement is telling me that this is the wrong place for me. But where do I even begin? I don't know how to start or what to do. I feel like I am standing in a dark room at times staring at the wall screaming and asking for help or a hand to guide me there but no one can hear me. I know God wants us to make our own decisions and will give us nudges, but I guess I am selfish and actually want Him to do it all. Get me the job, the money, the house, and put me in my car and drive me there. That's not how life is though, you have to figure things out for yourself and make it happen. So, that's what I am doing right now. Thinking of a game plan, figuring out what my gut is telling me and following my intuition. I have to, otherwise I'll drive myself to drink again and that is the last thing I would ever want to do. Sobriety forces you to make decisions, which is probably the best thing for indecisive personality.
Anyway, so enough of my ranting. Such a weird post I know. Its just my feelings are all over the board right now, as you can see. Thanks for all your love, prayers, and support. I couldn't be sober without my friends and family who are behind me. I love you!!
Here is to almost 60 days!!!! I can't wait to pick up another one of these babies.... :)
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