What an eye opening week for me. I hit my 3rd milestone on Thursday, day 60, and I have also been working on step 4. This step isn't the easiest one for me, but I have realized a lot about myself and what makes me tick. Cindee has given me the assignment to write for one hour every day. I am super ADD, so I thought that this was going to be a difficult one for me. I have surprised myself because from the start I have been able to really focus on the reading and the writing. Maybe its because reading and writing about your own behaviors can catch your attention, but whatever it is, it's a miracle. The first writing assignment I have been given is to list people, places, things, that I feel have hurt me or that I am resentful toward. At first I wondered why I was supposed to do that, I thought that maybe it would make me want to drink again, but it actually did the opposite. Getting out all those feelings on paper has helped release so many emotions. Cindee told me that it would bring up a lot. She told me that I would be driving and all the sudden something may pop in my mind. She was right. Now, I don't want you to think that I am writing down everyone I hate. Thats not it. I am writing down things that I feel resentful toward. Whether it be my math teacher in 11th grade because I didn't feel like she believed in me, or something more serious like my ex fiance who left me the night before the wedding. It's amazing when you put all these things on paper you realize what you are still holding onto. I just pray that in the future God can help me feel peace in my heart and be able to make right the many wrongs that I have done. It all starts with being willing to believe that there is something out there greater than you that can help you overcome alcohol. That is steps 1-3 in AA, which I have done. I am willing. I am open. That is huge for me. I haven't been willing to let any sort of God into my life for 8 years because of fear. It's scary, especially when you have done the things I have. Being at the low I was in November though, I was willing to do ANYTHING to not feel the way I was, and I have realized that God is the only way to make that happen. It's the little experiences every day that show you God is there, and He cares.
Today I went to the Alano Club in Murray for the 1:00 back to basics meeting. I was up really late last night, so when I got out of bed around 11:00 today I wasn't the most excited to get ready and go..... but I had a feeling I needed to. My dear friend Melissa decided to go with me, so I got ready and met her there. What I really wanted to do today was watch Dexter and lounge. In recovery, you can't always do what you want though. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't necessarily want to. I am so glad that I went to this meeting because I had an experience that changed me. For the first 45 min we reviewed steps 4-9 and just read thru the book. This meeting is normally pretty small, so everyone sits close together and it feels more intimate. At the end of the meeting they opened it up to anyone who wanted to share something. There was a man sitting directly across from me at the table that just looked anxious. He didn't say much throughout the meeting, just sat and listened, but you could tell he was nervous and a little bit jittery. When they asked if anyone wanted to share, he immediately spoke up. He went on to say that today was his day 3. He then said, "I am afraid that what I have done I won't be able to repair. I think that I have done so much damage that I am going to lose everything." You could tell that he was doing everything he could to not cry thru those words. Looking back at my day 3, I know that it took everything in his power to make it to that meeting today as a sober person, but the amazing thing is, he made it. He came. He came on one of the worst days. I know where he is at. You feel like you would rather die, and you aren't sure if even a God can save you. Making it to day 4 is a miracle at this point. I have always been the type to want to take away people's pain. I hate when people hurt, I think that is why I loved hospice. I hate when animals are mistreated. I feel bad when I see someone stub their toe. When my mom broke her leg in September, I cried so bad for the pure fact that I HATED knowing the pain she felt. I hate when people hurt, so when this man was talking, I wanted to get up and hug him and tell him that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to tell him to keep going and not give up, and to just believe. After he spoke, the guy next to me stood up and said that he was less than 24 hours sober. I was honored to be in both of their presence. If they could only see the impact they made on me today. What I am sure is their lowest of lows, I envied them. How amazing that they made it to that meeting. I felt guilty for getting up on my 63rd day and not really wanting to go. I will never have that attitude again. It took everything in me to make it to my car before I lost it. I called my mom and told her that story and just cried. This experience has been so amazing to me. As hard as it is some days, the rewards definitely outweigh the pain. It feels like the people in these meetings are family. You have never met them, but it feels like you have all known each other your whole life. There is a bond that is absolutely amazing. There is nothing like it. I may be an alcoholic, but I am so grateful for the trial I have been given simply because it has opened my eyes to so many amazing people. We are all flawed, damaged people. No one is perfect, but to me, there is nothing more inspiring than an alcoholic less than 24 hours sober that has the courage to come to a meeting and share his inner demons. This is how I know that God is real, because you can't do that alone. You may not realize at the time that it was God that helped you get out of bed and get to that meeting, but over time, you will. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have made it 63 days because of God. I have tried to quit so many times. SO MANY TIMES. I couldn't do it. I made it a few days here and there, but it's because of God that I have made it so far this time. It takes surrendering to Him and letting it go. God will carry the burden for you, you just gotta let Him.
So, I am Amelia.
I am indecisive
I am impatient
I am a free spirit
I cry every time I laugh
I love road trips
I HATE marinera sauce
I love old people
I love coffee
I have ADD
I love movies
I hate waking up in the morning
I love road trips
I am a runner
I don't wear perfume or smelly lotion
I am low maintenance, but I love make-up
I dip everything in ranch
I am scared to death of lightening
I have 6 piercings
I have a major chip weakness
I am passionate for animals
I am usually restless
I am argumentative
I can keep a secret
I hate shopping
Snoring is my worst pet peeve
I love gummy bears on vanilla ice cream
I have never slept without my fan
I am not very organized
I love the beach
I hate sleeping with people
I love crime shows
I still watch Full House regularly
I love horror movies
I am insecure
I am very layed back
My name is Amelia, and I am an alcoholic, and I'll take another 24. :)
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