When I first started this blog, well, this journey really, I told myself that I was going to be 100% honest. SO again, this blog is going to be a super honest, get down to the nitty gritty shit type of blog. They teach you in AA that honesty and willingness are key components to staying sober. There are alcoholics out there that simply stop drinking, but don't get help. In a way, they are just as bad as an alcoholic who is still drinking. In AA they refer to those people as "dry drunks". They've stopped, but they aren't getting any help to figure out the problem. At some point in their lives, they will start again. I am living proof of that. I've tried to stop numerous times, but never got help, so of course I started again, each time worse than the last. I mentioned a few blogs back that I am on step 4, which is creating an inventory of your life. Digging through every last crevice and writing down resentments, pain, and disappointments. Cindee has told me to search through pictures, Facebook albums, and also use prayer to help me get all this stuff out on paper. I've been doing this now for a few weeks. What a journey this step has been. I now see through this step why it is so important to get a sponsor and work the steps. I would be drinking again by now if it wasn't for the work I am doing.
My last blog was one sentence. Friday night was a very difficult night for me. I am not sure why, it just was. Nothing really sparked it, no one did anything. As I made my way through the night and stayed sober, I realized exactly what was happening, which I will explain. Since day 1 of this journey, I have been waiting for the shit to hit the fan. At first when you become sober, it is so new and a little bit exciting. You meet new people, get a sponsor, and have so many things going on that you just don't really think about the days ahead and what may come up. That has been my experience at least. Although still difficult, I really haven't had that moment of severe weakness and loss of emotion. I have kept myself together and haven't had any real loss of control, until Friday. That was the closest I have been to drinking since day 1. But why? What caused it? Why did I all of a sudden burst into tears while I was sitting on the couch brushing Annie? There had to be a trigger there somewhere. When I posted that blog, I got a call from Cindee about 3 minutes later. She spoke to me and just listened to me cry. I am sure that I was hard to understand, but having her there on the other line as someone who understands is the best comfort. She said a lot of things to me that make sense. Usually when I felt any sort of feelings, I would drink, especially if the feelings were not good ones. Sadness, anger, resentment and not feeling good enough all lead me to the bottle. For some reason something triggered me to feel that way. It took a minute, but I figured it out. Last week when I took Annie to the vet to get groomed and get her heart worm test, they found that she had lice. When the vet told me I about died. I think I said out loud to him "What the fuck? How?" I bathe Annie every week, brush her religiously, and do all of the things that I feel are taking care of her. When he said that it freaked me out. He told me that the only way for her to get it is through another dog. I had no clue which dog she would get it from because I have never taken Annie to a dog park, kennel, etc. No one in my family has dogs. The only dog that Annie has been around in a year is my roommates. After I left the vet I called my roommate and asked her to get her dog tested, which she said she would do. That was Tuesday. Friday night when I came home from work, she told me that her dog does not have lice. I literally felt shocked. I am still confused on how the hell Annie got it. I am not a dirty person, so it is so weird to me. The vet treated it and it is now gone, but in that moment I just felt so crappy. Somehow, some way Annie got lice. Although they only found a few, is still gets to me. Instead of chalking it up as a freak accident and washing everything in sight, I held onto it. I talked myself into thinking I was a horrible dog owner. The kids in elementary school that got lice were always the "dirty" kids, so I talked myself into thinking that I was one of those "parents". Although Annie is not a human I still thought of myself as that kind of parent. After that conversation, we opened the gas bill and it was $175. We have a 2 bedroom condo. How the heck could the gas bill be that much? I am the type of person who immediately feels the blame. I don't know why. Even if I haven't done anything, I feel that its my fault. Maybe it was because I turned the heat to 71 a few nights last month. Hm, whatever it was, it was my fault. Instead of being like a normal person and trying to figure out why WE have such a high gas bill, I immediately blamed it on myself because thats just what I do. I lost it. Lost control. I got in my car and was going to go to the liquor store and buy that bottle of vodka. How dumb though? Lice and a high gas bill? How could something so small cause that? After I spoke to Cindee, I looked at my list of resentments and realized it wasn't the gas bill. It wasn't the lice. It was years of shit that leads up to freaking out over little things like that. The lice was just a symptom. It was the trigger that brought up past emotions, and in turn led me to want to drink. I didn't even know all this shit was inside me until now.
Last week when I was going through old pictures it brought up a lot. I pulled out a dance picture from high school and just stared at it. High school was a very rough time for me. High school was the worst time in my life. When I hear people talk about how much they loved high school, I cringe. I just remember high school as a whole lot of hurt and not being accepted unless you weighed 95 pounds and had white blonde hair. That was never me. I have always been the one who was a little overweight. I never went to one single dance in high school. I went to a few girls choice, but I didn't go to one single guys choice dance. I never kissed one person either. I didn't go to prom because I wasn't asked. I was always just the funny friend who made everyone laugh. I remember wanting so bad to be a part of the popular crowd. I would have my mom buy me the cool clothes and makeup, and I colored my hair (probably way too much) just so that I could somehow get a guy to like me and fit in. It never happened. I had my group of friends that I absolutely adored, but I still was sure that there must be something wrong with me because for some reason no one wanted to ask me to a dance. Those of you who are reading this and know me real well, know that I had a crush in high school that I would have done basically anything for him to like me. He was one of my best friends, to this day he still is. I just loved this guy. I know that I was just in high school, but at almost 30 years old I can look back and say that I loved him. One of the dance pictures I found last week was of Sweetheats Dance in 10th grade where I asked him. I remember wanting to look so pretty for that dance. I tried to look pretty enough so that maybe he would like me. My dad was very strict on what I wore, so the dress I found wasn't what I wanted, but I looked as good as I could have, considering. For some reason this guy never liked me in that way. I pawned away for him until I went to college, and still thought about him all the time. Infact, I've thought about him off and on probably for the past 10 years. When I went to college and still hadn't kissed one guy, I was floored when I met my fiance. I couldn't believe he liked me. WOW. Ill never forget my first kiss with him. It was a feeling I will never forget. I finally felt accepted. I felt loved. When he proposed, I couldn't believe it! I knew it must be too good to be true, and it was. He left the day of the wedding. For some reason he didn't want to marry me. That feeling of not being accepted came back ten fold. Is there something wrong with me? Ill never forget what Bryce said to me the first time I saw him a few months after we were to get married. "Amelia, you depended way too much on me to be happy. It felt like a lot at times. I felt responsible for your happiness." As I look back on that statement, he is exactly right. I did do that. I depended way too much on him to be happy, and over the years with the breakups and relationships I have been in, I have done that. I have been super insecure. Because of the feelings of loss and unacceptance I have felt in the past, I just feel like when I find something good, its just going to leave. Thats what always happens. Either that or I am not good enough to stay with. The feelings of self pity are what brought me to drink. Alcohol accepted me. Alcohol would marry me if it was human. Alcohol never left me. Alcohol was my friend. This is also why I cling to Annie for dear life. I am so afraid of her leaving or getting sick or getting hit by a car that it overtakes me. I can't breathe. This is why I am so hard on myself and feel that everything is my fault. This is why the gas bill and the lice set me over the top. It had to be my fault. It had to be. I see that everything else that has ended or gone wrong has been because of a flaw in me. It can't be in the other person or thing because its one after another. For my type of personality alcohol is the worst thing to feed your brain because only escalates the feelings of unacceptance and self pity. Alcohol makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run. The friend that you thought you had, is the one friend that destroys you more than any other thing on this earth and makes you feel lower than you've ever felt. Thats why they say that when you finally surrender you are at rock bottom. Thats where I was.
Yes, honesty. That's what this is about. These are my feelings, but its ok to feel them. It's ok. It's ok to NOT be ok some days and crawl in a hole. Each day gets a little better than the day before, but sometimes bringing up the shit and working through it is the hardest thing to do. You know why I hold on? Because I know there are better days ahead, and I have been given promises. I read this when I feel like drinking.
So there you go world. Day 70. It feels like a purge of negativity, and I am sure that it even feels like that reading it. One day, this will all make sense and I will be able to help someone else through this journey. I am feeling content today. One day at a time.
Amelia
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