I've realized that most of this blog is about heart break and relationships, and it's not going to stop with this post. In reading back I have realized just how much love has affected my life. It seems like I have had so many extremes when it comes to break ups. It is never just a "We aren't good for each other, see ya later" type of break up. I have had a lot on my mind recently with trying to part with feelings that I still hold on to. For the last 2 years since I moved home from Montana I have wrestled with the same thing almost on a daily basis. I thought it was normal to still love your ex, especially after living with someone for as long as I did, but I am starting to realize that some of the feelings I am having maybe aren't normal. Since I have been sober I have been able to wrap my brain around most things and figure them out. With Billy, I am so happy that we have decided to be friends because its exactly how I feel, and that has been confirmed to me. Best friends, and I am so lucky to call him that. With the whole Joe fiasco last week I was quickly able to wrap my brain around that one and let it go. Easy. No problem. With Jason, I can't. Maybe it's because after we broke up I spent the next two years completely wasted out of my mind, so I didn't ever cope, but whatever the reason my heart still loves. My heart still longs for Jason. I can't even type this without crying. I am so angry at alcohol for what it did to our relationship. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it wasn't for alcohol we would still be together. Even in the break up, there was so much alcohol involved that I don't think either of us were thinking straight. I know I wasn't. Jason and I exchange texts quite often, and every single time I still get butterflies like I did when I first met him in 2007. He told me last week that he wants to give Annie and I both a hug and that he misses us. I think that I would pretty much do anything for that to happen. Anything. I would be willing to quit my job on a wim, go to Iowa, find him, and squeeze him. Jason is still the first person I think of to tell when something happens in my day. Still. He and I bought Annie together so whenever something happens with her or she gets sick, he is the one I tell. I taught Annie to sing today and he was the first person I sent the video to. What I was saying earlier about these feelings being normal after almost 3 years..... I don't think they are. It's not something that debilitates me on a daily basis, but it is on my mind. I have learned to live with it. Now could I go on with my life and be ok? Sure. I could keep doing what I am doing and try to rid my life of Jason, and I am sure that I could do it. I am sure that I could meet someone else and get married and be happily ever after. The problem is the heart wants what it wants, and even 3 years of distance isn't going to change that. So what do I do? I haven't figured it out yet. I suppose just keep doing what I am going, and pray to God every day to put me in the right places. I am hopeful that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I know that if I put God first, keep being sober, and serve others like I have been, then whatever is supposed to happen, will. I also know that miracles are frequent and nothing is ever impossible. There are always signs out there if you are looking, it just takes being open to those signs. So, we'll see. I just know that I miss having my little family together and I love Jason with all my heart and soul. There is a good chance that he is reading this, and if he is, thats ok. I want to be honest and real with him where I never really was. I want to show a side that he hasn't seen in a while. As much as he likes to say that I was always an amazing person, I want to show him something better, a better version of myself
Other than the usual feelings of my heart, everything else is perfect. I am just content with whatever, and letting life happen. I got another assignment from Cindee last week, which has been pretty eye opening. I am taking all the resentments I wrote down and turning it around on me. Writing down how I was self centered and lied to myself in those situations. I am saying the sick mans prayer for every resentment that I have. It's a long process, but again, worth it. It is helping me figure out so many things about myself that I didn't know before. I am figuring out why I was so angry at times, and why I would lose my compassion for others so quickly. That is one thing that I have really tried to overcome through this whole thing. I have been known to lose compassion and argue with those who don't feel the same way I do on certain issues. I used to lose my cool so fast on Facebook over religion and politics, or whatever was happening in the media at the time. Since I have been praying and asking to have more compassion toward others, its happening. I am more accepting and loving. I am not as argumentative. Plus, when you don't have alcohol in your system you are more likely to not freak out on someone and say things you will probably regret the next day. Its just amazing and I feel so happy inside. I don't need to do those things to other people anymore. We are all fighting a battle of some sort, the best option is just to be nice, no matter what. I am definitely not perfect at it, but learning.
I started my 7 day vegan cleanse today. I feel amazing! I am so excited to just make this a part of my daily life. I get to eat such yummy things, and I am being true to what I believe is so important, which is animal rights. Yay! Speaking of animals, I taught Annie to sing today and it is so dang cute. Wow. I can't stop having her do it.
I hope that this blog finds everyone well. Day 103. Triple digits. Ah! I am going to put a video on here that made me cry tonight on the finale of The Vampire Diaries. Again, its a love story thats been going on for 4 seasons now and it just got to me. And, I took this with my phone so you have to see my amazing skills. This part gave me chills, and I had tears coming down my face. Love, a complicated thing I tell ya. :)
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