"Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey. At various times, when finding myself faced with how to navigate the harder parts of my life, I think of your journey and more often than not, and more and more, find myself choosing presence over escape. So, thank you."
"I'm reading this from a Starbucks in Wichita, KS with tears streaming down my face. I want to thank you for sharing and thank & congratulate your sister for being brave enough to share her story. We all have our Achilles heel. It shouldn't be shameful to talk about what we struggle with but the thought of being judged keeps us silent and keeps us sick. My little sister is sitting in a 6 x 8 foot cell because she could not do what your sister has done. Instead of being devastated, those that love her most were celebrating the night she was locked away. Why? Because at least she wasn't dead and neither was anyone else (though a lot of lives have been devastated... I refuse to say the word destroyed). I can only imagine the creative, intelligent, strong and beautiful person your sister must be (just knowing you a little bit tell me this). I hope she has the strength to fight this monster. I know what it's like to live terrified for your little sis, it haunts your every moment. Good luck, I know it's not over but I'm so happy for everyone that its started."
You guys have no idea how much this means to me. I never in a million billion years thought that little me, the alcoholic loser that I thought I was, could impact people. It's messages like these that get me to the next day. One of my goals in life is to help other people that struggle with any type of addiction. I am still at the beginning of my journey, but am clearly seeing the miracles that God brings to my life on a daily basis.
So today, I am just grateful. I am so so grateful!!! Not just for the messages from other people, but for everything. I don't know if there are words to quite explain how I feel. Amazing maybe? Although I still have lots of work to do mentally, there is still a clearness in me that I haven't felt in years. Even before I had my very first drink I haven't felt this clear. It feels like I am reborn in a way. Weird huh? Maybe so, but all I know is that each and every day is a gift, and I am grateful for every single second I have. It is getting easier and easier to say no to alcohol. I am getting more used to sober living. I am slowly learning other ways to use my time at night. The other night I found an empty bottle of vodka under my bed. My heart sank. I could smell it as soon as I picked it up. Even touching the bottle made me sick inside. As much as sometimes I would love to be drunk (I'm not going to lie), I know that I was probably very very sad the night I drank that bottle. And I always hid them in my room because how embarrassing for my roommate to see a empty pint of vodka every night in the garbage. It was easier to create my own garbage can in my room. A lot has changed since then. Thank you God.
I am sure most of you know that AA is a very spiritual program. I've talked about it a lot in this blog. In trying to become more spiritual, I have started a routine of praying every single morning and night. Even if it is just reciting the 3rd step prayer or the serenity prayer out loud, I pray. Talking to God is just part of my day now. Sometimes on bad days just a simple "thanks for helping me stay sober today" is all I have I me. I suppose that's all I need to say some days. Also in my prayers, I have been asking for direction on what I am supposed to do with my life, and where I am to live. I've told God that I will be open to receiving signs, and that I would be willing to do whatever He wanted me to do. Whether it be living here, Montana, or somewhere else, I will do it. In doing this I have noticed a few things, and I think I am starting to see what I think my life mission is.
As most of you see on my Facebook, I love Annie. Well, I love animals. This love for animals didn't really happen until I got Annie, and has grown ten fold since I got sober. I mean, I always loved my dogs growing up, but it wasn't something that I really ever thought about. I could take or leave a pet. People to me were more important, and pets were just, well, pets. This dog has changed my life. This dog has changed my whole outlook on love and compassion. This dog, in my opinion, has bits of God in her, just like every animal I feel. Annie is sent from Heaven, and has been a blanket to me on days and nights when I couldn't feel the warmth of anyone or anything. People that know me, know that Annie and I are a package deal. Where I am, she is coming with. I take her everywhere. My family has made fun of me on numerous occasions. They love Annie too, but I know at times they don't understand the love I truly feel. I have found myself crying in ASPCA commercials, dog rescue videos, or really anything that has to do with a pet. When I lived with my nieces I hated when they forgot to feed their fish or clean the bowl. I would do it for them. I felt so bad for it, where most people would say "Amelia, its just a fish for pete sakes!" Its weird, I know, or maybe it isn't. Whatever it is, I have found my passion, and I know what I want to do in my life. One thing that I hear probably on a weekly basis is "Amelia, wait until you have a real child of your own. You don't know love until you hold your baby." or "Annie is just a filler right now until you have your own child." I have never really liked when I hear those things from people. Annie is my child. I love Annie just as much or more than any baby I could imagine having. Having Annie has honestly made me realize how I don't think I want kids. I am meant to have animals. One of the worst things I see is when friends of mine have kids and completely abandon their pets. Not all my friends have done this, but I definitely see it. I wish I could take them in. Going through this journey of sobriety I have seen this love for animals come out in me more, and I feel that there have been little signs from God that I need to do something. Today when I dropped Annie off at the vet to get her final lice treatment, I was waiting for the tech to come get her when a couple walked in. They had, in a blanket, a cute little dog. He must have been older, he had an older looking face and grayish hair. The mom of this couple just snuggled him in this blanket. When the tech came out, I told her to help them first. She told them to put the dog on the scale. The dad looked at her and asked "Is that really necessary?" The tech said yes, so his wife proceeded to put the dog on the scale. The dog was clearly not well, so the mom just laid him on there wrapped in his blanket. His limp body didn't even move. As soon as I saw that I started to cry. I was trying to sign my sheet to leave Annie there for a few hours and I couldn't see the paper. I didn't want anyone to see, so I gave Annie a kiss, handed her to the tech and walked out. I got in my car and drove away and I just lost control. It makes me cry to even write this. Just looking at that dog in that condition made me think of Annie, and how much she has taught me since I got her. That dog has probably been there for each member of that family in some way. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of compassion for animals in that moment, even more than I already do, which is a lot. I realized right then that Annie taught me that type of love. I loved this dog and I didn't even know him, and I know what my life mission is. I have to do something. Whether it be being a part of an organization to help homeless pets, or starting something of my own, I have to do this. I have heard that you know when you are passionate about something, and I now know what that means. This is my passion, and it isn't until now that I am truly seeing that. I wouldn't be living my full life if I wasn't helping animals in some way. If any of you reading this know anyone who could lead me in the right direction, please let me know. I want to give back the love that I have been given. Today when I came home from work I went thru all my pictures of Annie from the time I got her. I will post a few that touched me.
First pic I saw of Annie. I knew she was mine!!!
First day I had Annie :)
Oh my hell she was the cutest puppy
Annie loved laying on the window sill in the place where we first owned her.
First week Jason left for Montana and Annie and I stayed home
Annie loves my nieces and nephews
Annie always gets in my moms temple bag
Annie is obsessed with steak bones. That one stayed in her mouth for like 14 hours.
Annie sleeps with random objects in her mouth. She can not sleep without holding something in her mouth. Here, a wrapped tampon. Usually its the tv remote, her bunny, or her ball. Clearly she couldn't find any of those, so she went with the first thing she saw.
Annie follows me everywhere I go. Everywhere. It doesn't matter. This is her staring at me go to the bathroom. She just stares at me and waits for me to be done. When I shower, she waits right outside the shower curtain.
Annie likes to sit and watch me to dishes.
Annie was so cute with my mom when she broke her leg.
Annie is so good with babies. She wouldn't hurt a fly.
Annie sleeping with her ball.
Almost 30 days sober
At the vet and still happy :) Mom wasn't.
5am before work. Morning snuggles.
She sits with me the whole time I am on the computer
Christmas
Annie hates when I leave for work. She hides by my bed every time she knows I am leaving. I hate it!
Passed out
Staring at me fold laundry
Celebrating 60 days with me!!
Nightly Dexter, Grey's Anatomy, Vampire Diaries marathon
Living in Billings after Jason and I ended. One of the worst times in my life.
Waiting for me to come home from work, like always :)
Annie sleeps in later than I do. Finally at noon she woke up and looked like this a few Saturdays ago.
OK, well, you get it. As I am sure you have gotten it the past 4 years of posts. So, this is my goal. This is my mission. I want to give back. I want to somehow, some way work with animals. I want to help homeless pets. Where I will be living doing this is up in the air. One thing I am sure of is this: if it weren't for sobriety I wouldn't be having these clear moments, and if it weren't for Annie I feel there would have been times where I would have died in my sleep, which wouldn't have given me the chance to be sober. Because of sobriety I am able to see and feel the tender mercies that God has sent me. It feels good. It feels like I am truly being spoken to. Again, thank you so so much for coming to this blog. Please share with those who struggle.
Amelia
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