The last few days have been quite interesting to say the least. I know I have repeated this sentence many times in this blog but I will say it again.... This is about honesty, so I am going to be really honest here. Plus, it just feels good to get things out. As most of you know, I have been through quite the ride in relationships. Rarely have my break ups or relationships ever been normal. First, it started with the wedding fiasco, and then about a year after that I met and fell in love with a coworker of mine at Lifetime Fitness. He and I were both Mormon and had the same type of upbringing, so we knew it was wrong when we fell in love. Not because love is a bad thing, but because he was married. I know what you are thinking, and thats ok. Before this situation I always told myself that I would NEVER do something like that. I had only ever kissed one guy for hells sake, and I was a newly endowed Mormon, so there was no way I was going to every commit that type of sin. Who ever wakes up and decides to fall in love with a married man anyway? Not me, but it happened, and I can't take it back. He and I had a spark and a fire that was awesome. Was it love? I dunno. At the time I thought it was. I thought he was the only man I could ever love. I would have married him in a second. Him and I planned our wedding and our family and how many kids we would have. We both liked the same things like running and fitness. We liked the same movies, etc. He was also there when I finished my first half marathon in St. George. I was smitten over this guy. Not only that, but he is the one who took my virginity, so for me that was big. The problem? He was married. He promised me for a year that he was getting divorced and always wanted me to hang on for one more day, but after never seeing any results, I left. It sucked. It sucked bad. Not only that but I talked to his wife on the phone once and it broke my heart. I felt so guilty for what I had done. I couldn't believe that I could ever do that. I was now classified as the "other woman", what a horrible class to be in. Trust me, don't ever do it. It messes with you. I don't think I have ever felt guilt like that in my life. From time to time I still feel guilt. I have wanted to write a letter of apology to his wife for so many years but haven't been able to do it. Maybe one day I will. A few weeks after that happened, I met Jason. I've gone over that here so I won't say much more about that but that it ended after 5 wonderful years. Since he and I broke up in 2011, I have had contact with Joe a few times over email. He asks how I am doing, and wants to catch up on my life. As much as I have moved on, it is still weird to have contact with an old relationship, especially after what we had and what he meant to me in my life. AND, for how betrayed I felt. It has been really hard for Joe to move forward over the years. He has kept literally everything that reminds him of me. I didn't really know this until this past Thursday on my day off he came over and gave it all to me to throw away. In 7 years since we were together he hasn't been able to do it. I was a little nervous to go through the bag after he left my doorstep, but I did, and it was weird. I pulled pictures out of this bag of me when I was just 21 years old, the girl who had barely ever drank. There were pictures of me crossing the finish line at my first half marathon. In looking at all these things that he has kept it made me realize what a major transition this period in my life was for me. It was after that break up that I began to drink really heavy. It was during that break up that I took my garments off and left the church. There was just a lot of change going on there and I think that at some point something snapped in my brain. It was like my brain just said "I don't care, I am going to do what I want because I am never wanted anyway." And the years to follow, that's what I did. Maybe it was because he did take my virginity, I dunno, but getting that big bag of stuff affected me. Not in a way where I would want to ever date this guy again, but I can't explain it. After emptying the bag out and going through all the stuff I decided that a meeting was probably the best thing for me to do to get my brain back to square one. I am so happy that I have meetings to go to when I am feeling off, and when I feel that I can't take what is happening in the moment. There is always that support there. It's an amazing feeling. It was at that meeting that I got my 90 day chip. I felt so much better when I came home, and have been able to let go of all the things I saw in that bag. This is such a breakthrough for me because I have always been so bad at letting things go. That is one reason why I drank so much. I have never been able to let go. Thats why this is so amazing, and why I shared that experience with you today. Through the help of my Higher Power I let go, and I feel great! If I was drunk tonight I would probably be a complete mess going through this bag bawling my eyes out creating things that don't exist. My emotions would be all over the place and I would probably be a fifth of vodka into the night. It is so amazing that I don't need to do that now! I have other ways to handle things. I love it, and I am so grateful for it. I am so grateful that my sobriety has given me so much more than alcohol ever could!! I am so grateful for Cindee and for her help with me on my step work. She is there for me whenever I need her, and is such a blessing. I am still working on step 4, which will take a while. I am going through the "cause and affect" part of my resentment list. Its not an easy one, but its being done! Such an emotionally healing assignment for me, and one where my eyes are being opened so much. I am so happy. So so very happy, and such a grateful alcoholic.
Other than that event, this week has been pretty mellow. I am still trying to figure out where I want to live and what I want to do. Montana is still on my mind, so we will see. I am not going to worry about it, just let the process happen. I am going to start volunteering at the "Best Friend Society" here very soon and I am so excited. I have a two hour orientation next week and then I can start to volunteer. I really want to get my foot in the door with the animal organizations around here so that maybe I can work there one day. This will be a good start for me I think. I have gone completely vegetarian as well and I feel so much better. Even after just 2 weeks I feel a difference. I will never eat meat again as long as I live. The plant based thing is going to be a harder transition, but I am willing to do it because of my passion for animal rights.
Anyway, love to all of you! Thanks again for visiting my blog!!! You are all the best!!!!
Amelia
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