Amelia
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Still here
Friends..... it's been so long I know! I can't wait to catch you all up on life! So many things have been happening, for one I moved! I just wanted to check in and say that I'm still here, and I'm still sober! I've learned so many things lately and am finally realizing my worth. I can't believe the things I've been giving away the past couple years of myself, and am turning over some new leafs to not be that girl anymore. I'm so happy, love life and all it has to offer. I'll be catching you all up tomorrow, just wanted to check in!!!
Amelia
Amelia
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Time and Space. Day 142
This blog is a hard one for me to write. I haven't written in a while, and for those of you who have sent texts wondering if everything is ok, thank you, and yes, everything will be ok. The reason for me not writing isn't because I have relapsed, but I won't lie and say that there haven't been some close calls. There is a reason why they say to stick with the program, and those reasons have become very apparent to me over the last month. Even though I am still sober, I haven't done as well I should be with the work and meetings. I haven't had any motivation, and to be honest, I haven't wanted to be around anyone. Through not attending meetings and doing the "work", I have realized how bad I need it. Just when you think you are on top of the world and can do anything, the addictive side of your brain proves you wrong. I truly thank God for the AA community and the support they provide. I am still pretty new to this, and I don't know everything, even if I think I do sometimes.
You are probably wondering what the title of this blog means. Well, exactly how you are reading it. Time and space, and seriously, for me, that is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I know that sometimes it is necessary, but it is not something that you would ever anticipate having to do with the person you love the most in this world.
Along with realizing how much I need the AA program in my life, another thing I have learned this month is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, people just aren't going to understand where you are coming from. It doesn't mean that either of you are wrong or right, but somewhere along the line your wavelengths became off and you no longer can see eye to eye. That is the moment when space and time is necessary. How this happens? I don't know, but it does, and it is exactly what has happened with my mom and I. As you all have read on my previous blogs, my mom is my best friend. There is no one in this world that I love more than her. One of the moments I realized how much I truly love my mom was last September when she broke her leg. I happened to be working at the time I got the call, and it was like someone called and told me that she died. I collapsed in the hall. I haven't been that upset, ever. Just knowing that my mom was in an ambulance with a broken femur made me sick. And not just because I hated knowing the pain she was in, but because for a second there I got a glimpse of my life without her in it. Even typing that out makes me cry, because I really don't know what I would do. I think I would crawl in the casket and go with her. Because of how much I love her, when she says things to me it affects me differently than if another person were to say the same exact thing. For instance, if my friend called me and told me that she was disappointed in me for something, I would say sorry and move on real quick. If my mom called me and said she was disappointed in me for the exact same thing, I completely fall apart. I lose it. It makes me want to drink, and NOT because of her, but because I hate to disappoint my mom. I hate it. I feel like I have failed in life if I disappoint her. Maybe its because she is my mom, but I get so angry with myself that I just want to drink. I tried to explain these things to her and because it was all over text and I was upset, I couldn't get it out the way I wanted to. She took it as though I was blaming her for my drinking, when that is not at ALL what I meant. I would never in a million years blame anyone for my alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic because of the choices I have made in my life. I am in charge of me, and I take full responsibility. My mom and I just haven't been able to get on the same wavelength with this concept, and it breaks my heart that she isn't understanding what I mean. I do not blame her, if anything, she is the reason I am SOBER today. She is the reason I am sitting here writing this blog and I am not drunk. I think sometimes when things are heated and you are trying to explain things, it makes things worse. You end up hurting feelings where you don't mean to, and somewhere along the line its like one of you is speaking English, and the other Chinese. It was about a month ago that this happened with me and my mom, and I haven't seen her since, nor spoke to her. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my mom, besides when I lived in Montana. Even when I did live there though, we spoke every day. In fact, I don't think I have ever gone more than one day (purposely) without talking to her. I call her for everything. I mean, everything. She's the one I call when I have a bad poop or a bugger of a hangnail. She has just always been my go to person, and my life hasn't been as full without her in it. I have reached a lot of goals this month with my weight and running, and they haven't been as exciting to me because I haven't been able to share them with her. Not just the good things, but this month has been trying in other ways and I haven't had my mom to call. Like I said earlier.... maybe space is a good thing, but damn its hard. I keep thinking of what it felt like to get that phone call when she broke her leg, and how much I promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn't ever go to bed angry with her, and here I am today. They say that there is always a lesson to learn in situations like these, and through the hurt I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to learn. Today I was feeling so sick to my stomach at work. Not because of the situation, but I honestly just felt so nauseated. I must have ate something that didn't agree with me, but whatever it was, I wanted to leave work. I realized right then how bad I wanted to call my mom. Whenever I am not feeling well, I call her, and this time I couldn't. My mom is notorious for bringing soup or ice cream to you wherever you are when you are sick. She always serves other people, and maybe I took advantage of that. Maybe that is the lesson I need to take from all of this. I can't do that anymore. My mom has been the one I call whenever something isn't right, and now I can't call her and bitch if something goes wrong. I can't imagine those are fun calls to get, and thru my addiction and recovery, she has been the punching bag. So there you have it. That has been what I have had going through my mind lately. Sometimes the most uncomfortable things are the best lessons in life, and when you also learn the greatest lessons. I am not writing this other than the pure reason of honesty and what comes from my heart. There is no other motive. I know I am not innocent, and have never claimed to be. I am a very flawed person in a lot of ways, and am learning every day just how flawed I am. Makes me so glad that I have a God to turn to when things aren't going as planned.
Anyway, so that is where I am at. I haven't really had a whole lot of motivation to go to meetings or do much writing recently, but have realized that I need it in times like these. I got a text from Cindee a few days ago and she reminds me just how strong you have to be to stay sober at times, and that it is ok to reach out for help. I have kind of forgot about my AA community, and have noticed that it has been really hard to stay sober lately. With the stress lately, instead of turning to God, I have gotten angry inside and craved going out to the bar for a beer. It just seems like everything is piling up at once. My lease is up on April 30th, so on that day I will be homeless if I don't save up enough money to move. I have found a place to live, just crossing my fingers that I will be able to afford the deposit. I know I can do it. I can, and I will. And if I don't, I have had some amazing friends who have offered to let me stay at their place for a week until I save up the rest of the money. I don't plan on doing that, but the offer is nice. Having said all this, I am also looking for a new job. I absolutely love Progressive Finance, but it is not paying the bills. Last week a recruiter contacted me for an interview with an awesome new company, so I went, but didn't get the job. I think that is the first interview I have ever had where I didn't get the job. I was really hoping I would since it would have been a $2 pay increase, but its ok. There is a reason I didn't get it, and there is something else out there. I have started doing my waxing again, and also considered going back to hospice for some extra money, but honestly, right now I am just living day to day. I have 22 more days until I have to be out of my apartment, and only I can make that happen. Time to put my game face on. Even with the stress of moving though, I can't help but be excited to live in my new place. I will finally be in a place that is all mine and no one else's. I get to start over new, and get all new stuff along the way. I may only be able to buy one piece at a time, but ill start with a bed and a tv. You gotta start somewhere right? This is going to be fun, but I know that getting there will take great sacrifice. In searching for places to move I have spent a great deal of hours on the computer, which can make anyone go nuts. On Sunday I must have spent 10 hours straight staring at a screen. After a while me and Annie just started taking pics. I was laughing so hard because in every one she was posing. Oh man, how I love her. I can't even begin to describe the love I have for my baby. I had no idea that I could love and depend on a dog so much in my life. Unconditional love my friends, unconditional love!
Other than that, the week has been good. Billy was in Vegas for a week, which made me realize just how different my life is when he is gone. What a strength he is to me. The guy just amazes me and treats me so well. How lucky am I to call him my best friend. Along with Annie, the dude keeps me going. Hes hilarious and can always make me laugh no matter what. He understands, even when he doesn't. Does that even make sense? To me it does. He listens to me, and not the type of listen where someone is looking at you but you don't know if they are hearing what you are saying. He truly listens. He gives advice, and doesn't always tell me what I want to hear. He is definitely a straight shooter, which is what I need. I am sure I sound like a broken record, but he's just awesome.
So that's that people. That's where I am at, there is the update. I hope this brings all of you well. I love you, and I vow to all of you to start working at my sobriety again and stop being lazy with it. I will stay strong, for you.
Amelia and Annie :)
You are probably wondering what the title of this blog means. Well, exactly how you are reading it. Time and space, and seriously, for me, that is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I know that sometimes it is necessary, but it is not something that you would ever anticipate having to do with the person you love the most in this world.
Along with realizing how much I need the AA program in my life, another thing I have learned this month is that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, people just aren't going to understand where you are coming from. It doesn't mean that either of you are wrong or right, but somewhere along the line your wavelengths became off and you no longer can see eye to eye. That is the moment when space and time is necessary. How this happens? I don't know, but it does, and it is exactly what has happened with my mom and I. As you all have read on my previous blogs, my mom is my best friend. There is no one in this world that I love more than her. One of the moments I realized how much I truly love my mom was last September when she broke her leg. I happened to be working at the time I got the call, and it was like someone called and told me that she died. I collapsed in the hall. I haven't been that upset, ever. Just knowing that my mom was in an ambulance with a broken femur made me sick. And not just because I hated knowing the pain she was in, but because for a second there I got a glimpse of my life without her in it. Even typing that out makes me cry, because I really don't know what I would do. I think I would crawl in the casket and go with her. Because of how much I love her, when she says things to me it affects me differently than if another person were to say the same exact thing. For instance, if my friend called me and told me that she was disappointed in me for something, I would say sorry and move on real quick. If my mom called me and said she was disappointed in me for the exact same thing, I completely fall apart. I lose it. It makes me want to drink, and NOT because of her, but because I hate to disappoint my mom. I hate it. I feel like I have failed in life if I disappoint her. Maybe its because she is my mom, but I get so angry with myself that I just want to drink. I tried to explain these things to her and because it was all over text and I was upset, I couldn't get it out the way I wanted to. She took it as though I was blaming her for my drinking, when that is not at ALL what I meant. I would never in a million years blame anyone for my alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic because of the choices I have made in my life. I am in charge of me, and I take full responsibility. My mom and I just haven't been able to get on the same wavelength with this concept, and it breaks my heart that she isn't understanding what I mean. I do not blame her, if anything, she is the reason I am SOBER today. She is the reason I am sitting here writing this blog and I am not drunk. I think sometimes when things are heated and you are trying to explain things, it makes things worse. You end up hurting feelings where you don't mean to, and somewhere along the line its like one of you is speaking English, and the other Chinese. It was about a month ago that this happened with me and my mom, and I haven't seen her since, nor spoke to her. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my mom, besides when I lived in Montana. Even when I did live there though, we spoke every day. In fact, I don't think I have ever gone more than one day (purposely) without talking to her. I call her for everything. I mean, everything. She's the one I call when I have a bad poop or a bugger of a hangnail. She has just always been my go to person, and my life hasn't been as full without her in it. I have reached a lot of goals this month with my weight and running, and they haven't been as exciting to me because I haven't been able to share them with her. Not just the good things, but this month has been trying in other ways and I haven't had my mom to call. Like I said earlier.... maybe space is a good thing, but damn its hard. I keep thinking of what it felt like to get that phone call when she broke her leg, and how much I promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn't ever go to bed angry with her, and here I am today. They say that there is always a lesson to learn in situations like these, and through the hurt I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to learn. Today I was feeling so sick to my stomach at work. Not because of the situation, but I honestly just felt so nauseated. I must have ate something that didn't agree with me, but whatever it was, I wanted to leave work. I realized right then how bad I wanted to call my mom. Whenever I am not feeling well, I call her, and this time I couldn't. My mom is notorious for bringing soup or ice cream to you wherever you are when you are sick. She always serves other people, and maybe I took advantage of that. Maybe that is the lesson I need to take from all of this. I can't do that anymore. My mom has been the one I call whenever something isn't right, and now I can't call her and bitch if something goes wrong. I can't imagine those are fun calls to get, and thru my addiction and recovery, she has been the punching bag. So there you have it. That has been what I have had going through my mind lately. Sometimes the most uncomfortable things are the best lessons in life, and when you also learn the greatest lessons. I am not writing this other than the pure reason of honesty and what comes from my heart. There is no other motive. I know I am not innocent, and have never claimed to be. I am a very flawed person in a lot of ways, and am learning every day just how flawed I am. Makes me so glad that I have a God to turn to when things aren't going as planned.
Anyway, so that is where I am at. I haven't really had a whole lot of motivation to go to meetings or do much writing recently, but have realized that I need it in times like these. I got a text from Cindee a few days ago and she reminds me just how strong you have to be to stay sober at times, and that it is ok to reach out for help. I have kind of forgot about my AA community, and have noticed that it has been really hard to stay sober lately. With the stress lately, instead of turning to God, I have gotten angry inside and craved going out to the bar for a beer. It just seems like everything is piling up at once. My lease is up on April 30th, so on that day I will be homeless if I don't save up enough money to move. I have found a place to live, just crossing my fingers that I will be able to afford the deposit. I know I can do it. I can, and I will. And if I don't, I have had some amazing friends who have offered to let me stay at their place for a week until I save up the rest of the money. I don't plan on doing that, but the offer is nice. Having said all this, I am also looking for a new job. I absolutely love Progressive Finance, but it is not paying the bills. Last week a recruiter contacted me for an interview with an awesome new company, so I went, but didn't get the job. I think that is the first interview I have ever had where I didn't get the job. I was really hoping I would since it would have been a $2 pay increase, but its ok. There is a reason I didn't get it, and there is something else out there. I have started doing my waxing again, and also considered going back to hospice for some extra money, but honestly, right now I am just living day to day. I have 22 more days until I have to be out of my apartment, and only I can make that happen. Time to put my game face on. Even with the stress of moving though, I can't help but be excited to live in my new place. I will finally be in a place that is all mine and no one else's. I get to start over new, and get all new stuff along the way. I may only be able to buy one piece at a time, but ill start with a bed and a tv. You gotta start somewhere right? This is going to be fun, but I know that getting there will take great sacrifice. In searching for places to move I have spent a great deal of hours on the computer, which can make anyone go nuts. On Sunday I must have spent 10 hours straight staring at a screen. After a while me and Annie just started taking pics. I was laughing so hard because in every one she was posing. Oh man, how I love her. I can't even begin to describe the love I have for my baby. I had no idea that I could love and depend on a dog so much in my life. Unconditional love my friends, unconditional love!
So that's that people. That's where I am at, there is the update. I hope this brings all of you well. I love you, and I vow to all of you to start working at my sobriety again and stop being lazy with it. I will stay strong, for you.
Amelia and Annie :)
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Day 135, Change Is Good
It's been a few days since I have blogged, I know. So many changes have been going on, that it has just been crazy busy!! Life is going better than ever though, and I feel more peace now than I ever have.
Follow up from my last blog, the running and prep for my marathon is going great. Official training doesn't start until June 2, but I have still been running consistently to make sure I can run a solid 6 miles the week I start. Only 187 more days until my very first marathon!! Ah! I can't wait. I have never been to Portland, but I hear that it is absolutely amazing, and I can't wait to see it for myself. One of the followers on my recovery instagram page lives there, and she wants to meet up with me while I am down there. It will be so nice to meet her! It is so amazing that people I hardly know have become some of the most influential people in my life. The bond that two people in addiction have is something different. There is a level of understanding there that is unique and special. Those are the types of people that I need in my life right now, and I am grateful for those of you who have stuck around.
They say in recovery you will discover who your true friends are. I think that is true for any type of change that happens in life really. Whether it be recovery, coming out of the closet, big weight loss, change in religion, etc, you truly see who is there for you and who is not. If any of you have experienced this type of change, you know exactly what people I am talking about. You feel like they are trustworthy, but in reality, they aren't, and it sucks bad when you find that out. Still though, for a brief moment, you somehow try and figure out what you possibly could have done.... until one day, you don't anymore. You wake up. You realize that you didn't do anything at all, and then you just let go. You stop apologizing. You take care of you. If there is one thing I have learned this week, is that when someone gets upset at you, throws daggers at you, or tries to ruin your relationship with the ones you love, its usually about something going on inside of them. It is never about you. I truly know that to be true, and how I know this is because I used to do it when I was miserable, so I can spot it just like that. I just know that at this point in my life, and with the changes I have made, I feel more confident to stand up for myself and say no. You don't treat me this way. Because once you cross me and try to turn the ones I love against me, you are dead to me. Dead. And there is little chance of that ever changing. The trust will never come back again. I don't need that, no one does. I got this quote this week from a good friend, and I believe this to be true!
I love that quote, and I am glad for all the lessons I have learned, even the hard ones. But I am confident that even the hardest lessons, and the ones that hurt you the most, are usually the most worth it. I have decided to surround myself with people that make me want to be a better person, and people who bring me up. One of those people, who I have mentioned a TON, is Billy. What a guy. What a freaking guy, and an answer to numerous prayers. He continues to be the best person in my life. I try to be just as good back to him, but I don't know if I will ever match up! After I went running last Saturday night, I came in the house and he was already there waiting for me. He had a candle that smelled so yummy, and little lights all around my room so that he could give me a massage. Just what I needed after a run! I made dinner, we hung out and just talked. No drama. No motives behind words. No fakeness, just honesty. I feel peace in my heart when he is around, and he is the type of person that makes me want to be better every day. I thank God for him at least a few times a day. I really do have great friends, great parents, and the best dog. And how could I ever not mention my big brother who is my hero. I am a blessed person.
Other than just life and the things that go along with it.... a lot has actually been going on. The lease on my condo is up on April 30th. I will be moving to a new apartment with my good friend Whittney Bell. She is so freaking cool, more like a sister to me! I am so excited to live with her. We are looking for a place near Sandy/Draper since we both work around there, and are excited to move in together. I can't wait! On Sunday afternoon she came over to my house and we hung out like old times in high school. She went to the laundromat with me, the grocery store, and she even dyed my hair! Yes, after a whole year I finally did something with my hair. Thank you Whittney!!!!! It's my natural color, but I like it. I don't want anything fancy. Plus it was only 9 bucks! You can't beat that!
Just plain old brown. Just how I like it.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I am grateful for all your support! Oh and if you have any extra prayers, please send them my way! I had a job interview today for a job that I need and want. I had a recruiter contact me, which I thought was a sign, so I did the interview. Fingers and toes crossed!! Love you all!!!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day 126 and My 30th Birthday
I absolutely love Sunday mornings. I get up whenever I want, make some coffee, and usually just hang around with Annie watching numerous movies on Netflix. I dont think life gets much better than that. It feels SO good not being hungover anymore on Sundays. I am getting used to it, but like I said in my last post, I need to remember and be grateful for these small things. Having said that, it brings me to what I learned last night.
For the last little while I have been wondering what I am going to do on my 30th birthday. It is so weird that I am turning 30 in six months. Weird. Kinda scary to be honest. When I was in high school I never imagined my life would be where it is now when I would turn 30. I saw myself married for 10 years, a few kids, being a stay at home mom. That is what I was always taught to do. My life has turned out much different, but I am ok with that. I know that I am exactly where I need to be right here in this moment. Last year when I turned 29 I remember talking to a friend about what I would do when I turned 30. I thought maybe going to Vegas would be fun, maybe a cruise, but whatever it was I planned on being completely smashed. I mean, come on, its my 30th birthday! Plans changed. Now that I am sober, I just don't know what I am going to do. This is the hardest thing about the sobriety process. I truly know that there is a reason why they say take it one day at a time. It sometimes drives me crazy thinking about the fact that I am never going to drink again. It's weird. I start thinking of things like parties and trips, and I wonder if I could stay sober. I am doing so well just going about my daily grind here in SLC, but what if I went on a trip? What if I went to a big party down in Vegas? Those things have not been thrown my way yet, and it is scary to me. I don't want to be the type to just sit in my house and not do anything because I can't drink. I can feel myself healing, and I think I am doing all the right things, but I guess you are never 100% sure. Last night Billy came over and my 30th birthday came up. I asked him what we should do. We threw out some ideas, one being a cruise. I immediately got weird, I could feel it. My mind went back to the last cruise I went on in March of 2011 where I was a complete drunk mess for 6 days. Getting off of the boat and paying a $1500 alcohol bill is never fun. How could I ever take a cruise and not drink? Its everywhere. The booze on those ships is insane. I mentioned some of those things to Billy and he said, "Amelia, just keep yourself busy with other things like excursions and the other fun things they have on the boat." Being the sweet man he is, he was just saying what he thought was the right thing. Unfortunately, he isn't an alcoholic, so he doesn't think the way I do. I would want to drink, and I am wondering if that part is ever REALLY going to go away. Some days I feel like I am totally good, and I feel repelled by alcohol, but other days I just don't know how I am going to make it forever. That's a long time. I mentioned that to him, which probably wasn't the best because he was just trying to say the right thing, and he apologized. How rude of me. As we continued talking, I kind of explained what my thought process is, and he started to understand. We had a fantastic talk. I love that I can just talk to him and tell him what is going on in my crazy mind and he does whatever he can to help. He is an absolutely amazing, one of a kind man. I will say again that I am lucky to call him my best friend. As we were talking I realized the exact reason why they say take it one day at a time. Looking ahead and thinking about how long forever is will drive you nuts. And it surely doesn't do you any good to sit and wonder what it will be like in 5 years when you are at your friends surprise 40th. Those things will drive you insane. What I have is today, and today I am going to be sober. I will not think about tomorrow, or 6 months from now. All I have is today. As the night went on I kinda forgot about the conversation and went on to other things. Billy has a way of just making things fun and comfortable no matter what. We watched a movie, then at about midnight we decided we wanted ice cream. Not knowing what would be open, we drove to the movie theater down the street thinking that maybe the ice cream shop was still open inside. It wasn't, which was ok because it took us to Walmart where we got a half gallon of cookies n cream and some cones and made our own ice cream cones. I haven't done that in forever. It wasn't on my diet, but thats ok. I wanted ice cream, and a girl has got to live! We sat there and ate those ice cream cones and just laughed and talked til 1:30am. It was awesome. Sometime during that time I remember thinking, this is what its all about. Being in the moment eating a damn ice cream cone. That's exactly where I was. I was right there, not even thinking about what 5 minutes later would bring, nor did I care. When Billy left I just smiled. I was so happy to have had such a fun night of movies and ice cream and no booze. Lesson learned? Live in the here and now. Because it is true when the say "just for today".
Now, having said all of what I just said, an idea popped into my mind. It occurred to me that I have always wanted to run a marathon. Always. I have already done a few halfs, but my goal is to do a full. There it was. For my 30th birthday I am going to run a marathon. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. I told Billy the idea and he was like "Duh! What were we even thinking? This is genius!" He came with me last year to my half in Moab, so he is totally on board with this. I was planning on doing the Moab half this year, but didn't plan well enough and that fell through. I decided that this needs to be well planned, trained, and thought out. Thinking of those things, I layed in bed with what one I could maybe do, and then I fell asleep. Today I got up early and started looking. I searched every state, race, etc. Then I started thinking about the cities that I love the most, or want to visit. Seattle and Portland both crossed my mind. I don't really want to stay in Utah for this race, I think traveling is a must. Thats when I found it, the perfect race for me for my 30th birthday. And here she is...
For the last little while I have been wondering what I am going to do on my 30th birthday. It is so weird that I am turning 30 in six months. Weird. Kinda scary to be honest. When I was in high school I never imagined my life would be where it is now when I would turn 30. I saw myself married for 10 years, a few kids, being a stay at home mom. That is what I was always taught to do. My life has turned out much different, but I am ok with that. I know that I am exactly where I need to be right here in this moment. Last year when I turned 29 I remember talking to a friend about what I would do when I turned 30. I thought maybe going to Vegas would be fun, maybe a cruise, but whatever it was I planned on being completely smashed. I mean, come on, its my 30th birthday! Plans changed. Now that I am sober, I just don't know what I am going to do. This is the hardest thing about the sobriety process. I truly know that there is a reason why they say take it one day at a time. It sometimes drives me crazy thinking about the fact that I am never going to drink again. It's weird. I start thinking of things like parties and trips, and I wonder if I could stay sober. I am doing so well just going about my daily grind here in SLC, but what if I went on a trip? What if I went to a big party down in Vegas? Those things have not been thrown my way yet, and it is scary to me. I don't want to be the type to just sit in my house and not do anything because I can't drink. I can feel myself healing, and I think I am doing all the right things, but I guess you are never 100% sure. Last night Billy came over and my 30th birthday came up. I asked him what we should do. We threw out some ideas, one being a cruise. I immediately got weird, I could feel it. My mind went back to the last cruise I went on in March of 2011 where I was a complete drunk mess for 6 days. Getting off of the boat and paying a $1500 alcohol bill is never fun. How could I ever take a cruise and not drink? Its everywhere. The booze on those ships is insane. I mentioned some of those things to Billy and he said, "Amelia, just keep yourself busy with other things like excursions and the other fun things they have on the boat." Being the sweet man he is, he was just saying what he thought was the right thing. Unfortunately, he isn't an alcoholic, so he doesn't think the way I do. I would want to drink, and I am wondering if that part is ever REALLY going to go away. Some days I feel like I am totally good, and I feel repelled by alcohol, but other days I just don't know how I am going to make it forever. That's a long time. I mentioned that to him, which probably wasn't the best because he was just trying to say the right thing, and he apologized. How rude of me. As we continued talking, I kind of explained what my thought process is, and he started to understand. We had a fantastic talk. I love that I can just talk to him and tell him what is going on in my crazy mind and he does whatever he can to help. He is an absolutely amazing, one of a kind man. I will say again that I am lucky to call him my best friend. As we were talking I realized the exact reason why they say take it one day at a time. Looking ahead and thinking about how long forever is will drive you nuts. And it surely doesn't do you any good to sit and wonder what it will be like in 5 years when you are at your friends surprise 40th. Those things will drive you insane. What I have is today, and today I am going to be sober. I will not think about tomorrow, or 6 months from now. All I have is today. As the night went on I kinda forgot about the conversation and went on to other things. Billy has a way of just making things fun and comfortable no matter what. We watched a movie, then at about midnight we decided we wanted ice cream. Not knowing what would be open, we drove to the movie theater down the street thinking that maybe the ice cream shop was still open inside. It wasn't, which was ok because it took us to Walmart where we got a half gallon of cookies n cream and some cones and made our own ice cream cones. I haven't done that in forever. It wasn't on my diet, but thats ok. I wanted ice cream, and a girl has got to live! We sat there and ate those ice cream cones and just laughed and talked til 1:30am. It was awesome. Sometime during that time I remember thinking, this is what its all about. Being in the moment eating a damn ice cream cone. That's exactly where I was. I was right there, not even thinking about what 5 minutes later would bring, nor did I care. When Billy left I just smiled. I was so happy to have had such a fun night of movies and ice cream and no booze. Lesson learned? Live in the here and now. Because it is true when the say "just for today".
Now, having said all of what I just said, an idea popped into my mind. It occurred to me that I have always wanted to run a marathon. Always. I have already done a few halfs, but my goal is to do a full. There it was. For my 30th birthday I am going to run a marathon. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. I told Billy the idea and he was like "Duh! What were we even thinking? This is genius!" He came with me last year to my half in Moab, so he is totally on board with this. I was planning on doing the Moab half this year, but didn't plan well enough and that fell through. I decided that this needs to be well planned, trained, and thought out. Thinking of those things, I layed in bed with what one I could maybe do, and then I fell asleep. Today I got up early and started looking. I searched every state, race, etc. Then I started thinking about the cities that I love the most, or want to visit. Seattle and Portland both crossed my mind. I don't really want to stay in Utah for this race, I think traveling is a must. Thats when I found it, the perfect race for me for my 30th birthday. And here she is...
The Portland Marathon, October 5, 2014. Perfect.
As soon as I searched for this it just felt right. I have planned so many marathons in the past and never completed my goal. I always got so sidetracked with work and school, and being an alcoholic who is actively drinking doesn't help either. Over all these attempts I have never found the time to do it. I can't think of a better thing to do to celebrate my 30th birthday. So, I am in. I am thinking that having Annie and Billy there at the finish line is all I will need. And what a fun drive! I am so excited. Maybe I am cheating by looking to the future, but I guess with it being a marathon, its ok ;) So the training and planning begins. We are 6 months out, and I couldn't be more excited.
Side note: OK, so I am going to insert this photo of Annie that I just took. Every time I blog she sits behind me on the couch and just stares intently at the computer, almost like she is reading it. I love it.
So, that is that my friends. Today begins a little bit of running, and planning for another move. My lease runs out on April 30th, and I am determined to find my own apartment and be able to afford it. I know I can. We can do ANYTHING we set our mind to!!! Love you all.
Amelia
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
4 Months
When they say that as time goes by it gets easier, its true. It does. It seems like yesterday I was at my 90 day, and now I am at 122. I am really getting used to not drinking anymore. When people drink around me, I don't get tempted. Now, am I ready to be alone in the same house with a bottle of liquor? No. I don't think I will ever be. Hence why I am an alcoholic. I am just glad that I don't feel as much anxiety when someone is drinking a beer around me anymore. It makes me realize how far I have come when I can sit with someone and not want to crack open a beer with them. Its not that I purposely put myself in front of alcohol, but my roomie drinks, so its hard to escape it at times. She's great about not putting it in my face though which is good, and she has been super supportive. I know though that I am sober "just for today", and still need to take it 24 hours at a time. You never know what could happen, or what tomorrow will bring.
It seems like I am learning so much through doing the 12 steps. I thought that in the first 30 days I had learned most of what I needed to know, and I had myself all figured out. Then when I got to 90 days I thought for sure I had it all nailed down. Now at 122 days I have realized that I was just at the tip of the iceberg. I can't believe the things that have surfaced in just the last few weeks since I had that horrible experience. The biggest thing I have learned? How to let go, which is so hard. Damn it's hard. I have let go of a lot the last few weeks, and shed a lot of baggage that I didn't even know I was still hanging on to. I think that the alcoholic side of my brain likes to tell me that I want to go back and revisit old times in my life and hang on to them. It has made me feel at times that maybe I do want to get back together with Jason, and has made me forget all the reasons why I left that relationship. Then when I actually sat down and thought about it..... I realized I don't want to go back to that experience at all. Not one bit. I think the alcoholic side of my brain will always feed me insane thoughts, but the difference between me now, and where I was at 30 days, is I can recognize the difference when they enter my brain, and I have learned the tools to be ok with it and let it go. I am a pretty strong person, but I know my life would spiral out of control again if I were to go back to things of my past. Its like putting a man addicted to sex in bed next to a naked woman. Its not gonna work, and it surely would not be good for him to do that to himself. So, through letting go of past feelings, although difficult, its been so freeing. I feel like how I did when I quit drinking. Like I was taking off my handcuffs. I didn't have to check into jail every night and drink a fifth of vodka. I have let go of things from the past and realized that there is nothing about it that I want or need. I still have a ways to go, but there has been definite headway. Although some of the experiences were definitely negative, I can always find the reason why it was a positive for my life at the current moment. Each one has shaped me into the person I am and I will not live with regrets. I saw this quote recently and it completely resonated with me....
I am not sure if truth has ever been spoken more. Letting go of what you CAN'T or WILL NOT be able to change is a seriously happy moment. Yep, happy :)
Last week one of my best friends Lindsy got married and I was able to go to her reception. I tend to be quite the home body, so I wasn't the most excited to go out, but I did anyway. I knew I needed to, plus, it might be good to dress up for once. Usually before going to a wedding, or any party for that matter, I always kept a pint of popov vodka in my bag. I usually had one pint down before I got there. That is how I had fun. This was the first real "event" I had been to where I was completely sober, and it was actually ok. I felt ok. I didn't have any real anxiety. After I got home from the party I was going through some of my facebook photos of when I used to party a lot, and I found some that blew me away.... I compared them to the one I took that night at the wedding and it made me cry. I have been so emotional since I got sober, especially when I see photos like this...
It seems like I am learning so much through doing the 12 steps. I thought that in the first 30 days I had learned most of what I needed to know, and I had myself all figured out. Then when I got to 90 days I thought for sure I had it all nailed down. Now at 122 days I have realized that I was just at the tip of the iceberg. I can't believe the things that have surfaced in just the last few weeks since I had that horrible experience. The biggest thing I have learned? How to let go, which is so hard. Damn it's hard. I have let go of a lot the last few weeks, and shed a lot of baggage that I didn't even know I was still hanging on to. I think that the alcoholic side of my brain likes to tell me that I want to go back and revisit old times in my life and hang on to them. It has made me feel at times that maybe I do want to get back together with Jason, and has made me forget all the reasons why I left that relationship. Then when I actually sat down and thought about it..... I realized I don't want to go back to that experience at all. Not one bit. I think the alcoholic side of my brain will always feed me insane thoughts, but the difference between me now, and where I was at 30 days, is I can recognize the difference when they enter my brain, and I have learned the tools to be ok with it and let it go. I am a pretty strong person, but I know my life would spiral out of control again if I were to go back to things of my past. Its like putting a man addicted to sex in bed next to a naked woman. Its not gonna work, and it surely would not be good for him to do that to himself. So, through letting go of past feelings, although difficult, its been so freeing. I feel like how I did when I quit drinking. Like I was taking off my handcuffs. I didn't have to check into jail every night and drink a fifth of vodka. I have let go of things from the past and realized that there is nothing about it that I want or need. I still have a ways to go, but there has been definite headway. Although some of the experiences were definitely negative, I can always find the reason why it was a positive for my life at the current moment. Each one has shaped me into the person I am and I will not live with regrets. I saw this quote recently and it completely resonated with me....
Last week one of my best friends Lindsy got married and I was able to go to her reception. I tend to be quite the home body, so I wasn't the most excited to go out, but I did anyway. I knew I needed to, plus, it might be good to dress up for once. Usually before going to a wedding, or any party for that matter, I always kept a pint of popov vodka in my bag. I usually had one pint down before I got there. That is how I had fun. This was the first real "event" I had been to where I was completely sober, and it was actually ok. I felt ok. I didn't have any real anxiety. After I got home from the party I was going through some of my facebook photos of when I used to party a lot, and I found some that blew me away.... I compared them to the one I took that night at the wedding and it made me cry. I have been so emotional since I got sober, especially when I see photos like this...
You guys, I don't know who that girl is. I don't know her. She is an insecure, selfish, dishonest, addict. Like I said before, I don't regret my past, but I also never wish to revisit it. I feel like my life is so much fuller now. This is the real amelia, and I am so glad I have found her.
What a process this has been, and what a blessing it is to wake up every day. Ever since daylight savings it has been so hard for me to get out of bed. On day 114 it was especially hard. I must have pressed snooze at least 12 times. Finally, I just got up. It was weird though because as I was sitting on the edge of my bed I opened my sobriety app and saw that I was on day 114. It was in that moment that I was no longer angry. This was the 114th day in a row that I was waking up without a hangover. Those are things that I need to remember and be grateful for. Those hangovers were terrible and they are now gone. After remembering that I was no longer angry to get up. I was grateful that I had a clear mind and was able to face the day with no regrets from the night before.
I am so grateful that I have been able to share my experience and struggles to those around me. I can't wait to be able to sponsor someone else and help them. I have learned through Cindee and other addicts in AA that it is truly through serving others that we feel our best. We are all damaged people in a way, and need to be there for each other. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, binging and purging, etc etc.... We all just need to be aware of those around us. You never know what someone struggles with. If you all weren't aware of me, I wouldn't be sober. So, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It is a gift to me. I love you all....
Amelia
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Day, whatever :)
I went to a beautiful wedding reception last night for one of my dearesr friends and I am so happy for her. It was awesome to be there as a sober person. Yay! It felt so good to dress up and I couldn't believe it when I squeezed into a size 3. I feel so healthy and clear. I've said that a lot but I just do. Life is fantastic. I'm going to post some pics from the last few weeks. :) Love you all!!!
Amelia
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Day 114
Living the sober life. Wow. I didn't even realize how fun it was going to be. There have been some major bumps in the road for sure, but I've gotten through every one of them, and I have felt things that I haven't felt in years. These 114 days have been amazing. When they say that sobriety gives you everything you were looking for in alcohol, its true. I feel like I have been given everything and more. I am so happy. Since daylight savings on Sunday I have had the hardest time getting up. Mornings have never been my thing anyway, but this hour change has made it even worse. It seems extra dark in the morning. Today I woke up and was immediately bugged. I must have pushed snooze 11 times. The last time my alarm went off I picked my phone up, and then I realized that I hadn't looked at my sobriety app in a few days. I forgot for a sec how many days it had been. When I opened it up and saw that I had been sober for 114 days I got a huge smile. Before I became sober I had a hangover every single morning. There wasn't a day that I wasn't hung over. And for some reason I got really bad anxiety when I was hung over. Between the throwing up, puffiness, and anxiety I was a ball of mess every morning. It was in that moment this morning that I realized I wasn't hung over. I was clear. I wasn't sick, and I wasn't going to get up and vomit in the shower. I was waking up sober for the 114th day in a row as a sober person. That, my friends, is why I believe in miracles, and also what got me out of bed a happy person this morning. I forgot how much I hated getting up at 6:30. I was a grateful alcoholic. So, here's to day 114. Thank you God for this blessing I have been given. 
 |
| Marlee passed out spread eagle |
I was able to stay at my oldest sister Amanda's house over the weekend and babysit her dog. To me, that's heaven. To have two dogs in my possession for a few days? Bliss. I love her little yorkie Marlee. She is precious. Plus, it was nice to get away and be by myself for a couple days. Sometimes there is nothing like being alone. I love my roomie to pieces, but you know what I mean. On Saturday night Billy came over and hung out with me, and he even brought me a vegan pizza. Sweet huh? He is the best "best friend" in the world. The pizza was shockingly good. Weird huh? I thought it might taste like cardboard but it didn't. I have found there are so many amazing things that you can eat as a vegan. It feels so good that I can actually eat healthy now and not have to worry about calculating alcohol calories in. I do NOT miss those days. It gives me the worst anxiety still remembering those days. I am so glad that I am not bound to that anymore. I can just feed my body healthy and actually feel healthy. I am so happy that I have been staying true to what I have a passion for as well, and that is animals. I am finally being true to myself, which is a foreign feeling to me. Yay.
So that's that. Not much else going on. Oh.... well, on kind of a crappy note my endometriosis is back. I am going to the doctor next Thursday, then surgery a few weeks after that. Yuck. It's ok though, at least this pain will go away. At least I can be grateful that I have health insurance that can pay for it and a good doctor to perform the surgery. There is always things to be grateful for even in bad circumstances. I love you all, and I hope this blog finds you well. :) xoxoxoAmelia, and of course Annie :)
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