For the last little while I have been wondering what I am going to do on my 30th birthday. It is so weird that I am turning 30 in six months. Weird. Kinda scary to be honest. When I was in high school I never imagined my life would be where it is now when I would turn 30. I saw myself married for 10 years, a few kids, being a stay at home mom. That is what I was always taught to do. My life has turned out much different, but I am ok with that. I know that I am exactly where I need to be right here in this moment. Last year when I turned 29 I remember talking to a friend about what I would do when I turned 30. I thought maybe going to Vegas would be fun, maybe a cruise, but whatever it was I planned on being completely smashed. I mean, come on, its my 30th birthday! Plans changed. Now that I am sober, I just don't know what I am going to do. This is the hardest thing about the sobriety process. I truly know that there is a reason why they say take it one day at a time. It sometimes drives me crazy thinking about the fact that I am never going to drink again. It's weird. I start thinking of things like parties and trips, and I wonder if I could stay sober. I am doing so well just going about my daily grind here in SLC, but what if I went on a trip? What if I went to a big party down in Vegas? Those things have not been thrown my way yet, and it is scary to me. I don't want to be the type to just sit in my house and not do anything because I can't drink. I can feel myself healing, and I think I am doing all the right things, but I guess you are never 100% sure. Last night Billy came over and my 30th birthday came up. I asked him what we should do. We threw out some ideas, one being a cruise. I immediately got weird, I could feel it. My mind went back to the last cruise I went on in March of 2011 where I was a complete drunk mess for 6 days. Getting off of the boat and paying a $1500 alcohol bill is never fun. How could I ever take a cruise and not drink? Its everywhere. The booze on those ships is insane. I mentioned some of those things to Billy and he said, "Amelia, just keep yourself busy with other things like excursions and the other fun things they have on the boat." Being the sweet man he is, he was just saying what he thought was the right thing. Unfortunately, he isn't an alcoholic, so he doesn't think the way I do. I would want to drink, and I am wondering if that part is ever REALLY going to go away. Some days I feel like I am totally good, and I feel repelled by alcohol, but other days I just don't know how I am going to make it forever. That's a long time. I mentioned that to him, which probably wasn't the best because he was just trying to say the right thing, and he apologized. How rude of me. As we continued talking, I kind of explained what my thought process is, and he started to understand. We had a fantastic talk. I love that I can just talk to him and tell him what is going on in my crazy mind and he does whatever he can to help. He is an absolutely amazing, one of a kind man. I will say again that I am lucky to call him my best friend. As we were talking I realized the exact reason why they say take it one day at a time. Looking ahead and thinking about how long forever is will drive you nuts. And it surely doesn't do you any good to sit and wonder what it will be like in 5 years when you are at your friends surprise 40th. Those things will drive you insane. What I have is today, and today I am going to be sober. I will not think about tomorrow, or 6 months from now. All I have is today. As the night went on I kinda forgot about the conversation and went on to other things. Billy has a way of just making things fun and comfortable no matter what. We watched a movie, then at about midnight we decided we wanted ice cream. Not knowing what would be open, we drove to the movie theater down the street thinking that maybe the ice cream shop was still open inside. It wasn't, which was ok because it took us to Walmart where we got a half gallon of cookies n cream and some cones and made our own ice cream cones. I haven't done that in forever. It wasn't on my diet, but thats ok. I wanted ice cream, and a girl has got to live! We sat there and ate those ice cream cones and just laughed and talked til 1:30am. It was awesome. Sometime during that time I remember thinking, this is what its all about. Being in the moment eating a damn ice cream cone. That's exactly where I was. I was right there, not even thinking about what 5 minutes later would bring, nor did I care. When Billy left I just smiled. I was so happy to have had such a fun night of movies and ice cream and no booze. Lesson learned? Live in the here and now. Because it is true when the say "just for today".
Now, having said all of what I just said, an idea popped into my mind. It occurred to me that I have always wanted to run a marathon. Always. I have already done a few halfs, but my goal is to do a full. There it was. For my 30th birthday I am going to run a marathon. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. I told Billy the idea and he was like "Duh! What were we even thinking? This is genius!" He came with me last year to my half in Moab, so he is totally on board with this. I was planning on doing the Moab half this year, but didn't plan well enough and that fell through. I decided that this needs to be well planned, trained, and thought out. Thinking of those things, I layed in bed with what one I could maybe do, and then I fell asleep. Today I got up early and started looking. I searched every state, race, etc. Then I started thinking about the cities that I love the most, or want to visit. Seattle and Portland both crossed my mind. I don't really want to stay in Utah for this race, I think traveling is a must. Thats when I found it, the perfect race for me for my 30th birthday. And here she is...
The Portland Marathon, October 5, 2014. Perfect.
As soon as I searched for this it just felt right. I have planned so many marathons in the past and never completed my goal. I always got so sidetracked with work and school, and being an alcoholic who is actively drinking doesn't help either. Over all these attempts I have never found the time to do it. I can't think of a better thing to do to celebrate my 30th birthday. So, I am in. I am thinking that having Annie and Billy there at the finish line is all I will need. And what a fun drive! I am so excited. Maybe I am cheating by looking to the future, but I guess with it being a marathon, its ok ;) So the training and planning begins. We are 6 months out, and I couldn't be more excited.
Side note: OK, so I am going to insert this photo of Annie that I just took. Every time I blog she sits behind me on the couch and just stares intently at the computer, almost like she is reading it. I love it.
So, that is that my friends. Today begins a little bit of running, and planning for another move. My lease runs out on April 30th, and I am determined to find my own apartment and be able to afford it. I know I can. We can do ANYTHING we set our mind to!!! Love you all.
Amelia
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