4 Months

When they say that as time goes by it gets easier, its true.  It does.  It seems like yesterday I was at my 90 day, and now I am at 122.  I am really getting used to not drinking anymore.  When people drink around me, I don't get tempted.  Now, am I ready to be alone in the same house with a bottle of liquor? No.  I don't think I will ever be.  Hence why I am an alcoholic. I am just glad that I don't feel as much anxiety when someone is drinking a beer around me anymore.  It makes me realize how far I have come when I can sit with someone and not want to crack open a beer with them. Its not that I purposely put myself in front of alcohol, but my roomie drinks, so its hard to escape it at times.  She's great about not putting it in my face though which is good, and she has been super supportive.  I know though that I am sober "just for today", and still need to take it 24 hours at a time.  You never know what could happen, or what tomorrow will bring.

It seems like I am learning so much through doing the 12 steps.  I thought that in the first 30 days I had learned most of what I needed to know, and I had myself all figured out. Then when I got to 90 days I thought for sure I had it all nailed down.  Now at 122 days I have realized that I was just at the tip of the iceberg.  I can't believe the things that have surfaced in just the last few weeks since I had that horrible experience.  The biggest thing I have learned?  How to let go, which is so hard. Damn it's hard. I have let go of a lot the last few weeks, and shed a lot of baggage that I didn't even know I was still hanging on to.  I think that the alcoholic side of my brain likes to tell me that I want to go back and revisit old times in my life and hang on to them.  It has made me feel at times that maybe I do want to get back together with Jason, and has made me forget all the reasons why I left that relationship.  Then when I actually sat down and thought about it..... I realized I don't want to go back to that experience at all.  Not one bit.  I think the alcoholic side of my brain will always feed me insane thoughts, but the difference between me now, and where I was at 30 days, is I can recognize the difference when they enter my brain, and I have learned the tools to be ok with it and let it go.  I am a pretty strong person, but I know my life would spiral out of control again if I were to go back to things of my past.  Its like putting a man addicted to sex in bed next to a naked woman.  Its not gonna work, and it surely would not be good for him to do that to himself.  So, through letting go of past feelings, although difficult, its been so freeing.  I feel like how I did when I quit drinking.  Like I was taking off my handcuffs.  I didn't have to check into jail every night and drink a fifth of vodka.  I have let go of things from the past and realized that there is nothing about it that I want or need.  I still have a ways to go, but there has been definite headway. Although some of the experiences were definitely negative, I can always find the reason why it was a positive for my life at the current moment. Each one has shaped me into the person I am and I will not live with regrets.  I saw this quote recently and it completely resonated with me....

I am not sure if truth has ever been spoken more. Letting go of what you CAN'T or WILL NOT be able to change is  a seriously happy moment. Yep, happy :)

Last week one of my best friends Lindsy got married and I was able to go to her reception.  I tend to be quite the home body, so I wasn't the most excited to go out, but I did anyway.  I knew I needed to, plus, it might be good to dress up for once.  Usually before going to a wedding, or any party for that matter, I always kept a pint of popov vodka in my bag.  I usually had one pint down before I got there.  That is how I had fun.  This was the first real "event" I had been to where I was completely sober, and it was actually ok.  I felt ok.  I didn't have any real anxiety.  After I got home from the party I was going through some of my facebook photos of when I used to party a lot, and I found some that blew me away....  I compared them to the one I took that night at the wedding and it made me cry.  I have been so emotional since I got sober, especially when I see photos like this...

You guys, I don't know who that girl is. I don't know her. She is an insecure, selfish, dishonest, addict. Like I said before, I don't regret my past, but I also never wish to revisit it. I feel like my life is so much fuller now. This is the real amelia, and I am so glad I have found her. 

What a process this has been, and what a blessing it is to wake up every day. Ever since daylight savings it has been so hard for me to get out of bed. On day 114 it was especially hard. I must have pressed snooze at least 12 times. Finally, I just got up. It was weird though because as I was sitting on the edge of my bed I opened my sobriety app and saw that I was on day 114. It was in that moment that I was no longer angry. This was the 114th day in a row that I was waking up without a hangover. Those are things that I need to remember and be grateful for. Those hangovers were terrible and they are now gone. After remembering that I was no longer angry to get up. I was grateful that I had a clear mind and was able to face the day with no regrets from the night before. 

I am so grateful that I have been able to share my experience and struggles to those around me. I can't wait to be able to sponsor someone else and help them. I have learned through Cindee and other addicts in AA that it is truly through serving others that we feel our best. We are all damaged people in a way, and need to be there for each other. Whether it be alcohol, drugs, cutting, binging and purging, etc etc.... We all just need to be aware of those around us. You never know what someone struggles with. If you all weren't aware of me, I wouldn't be sober. So, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It is a gift to me. I love you all.... 

Amelia