17 days sober, TODAY!

Wow.  Day 17.  It seems like I just started this journey yesterday, but at the same time it seems that each day drags as I struggle.  The last few days I have been trying to really think about each day as it comes, rather than thinking ahead as I mentioned in my last post.  That is the hardest part for me, but I am getting better.  I am still so overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that has been shown to me.  It truly helps me thru each day.  God is good.  God is real.  I have been shown that more than ever the past 17 days.

I have really began to realize what a toll this whole thing has taken on my parents.  It is really hard for me to look at them without wanting to cry.  I wish I could take away all their pain.  I know they just want their little girl back.  The little girl who had no worldy influence.  I want that girl back, and even at 29, I'll find her.  I received this text from my dad after he read my blog.....

"Amelia,
I love you, I know you can do it.  Hard to read, and hard to understand why and what happened.....
You are a daughter of God, who loves you.  You can stand as a witness in the days and years ahead.  I will help you and love you forever.  Remember who you are and what you were always taught.  I have tried my best to show you by example, sometimes feeble as it was...but I know, I KNOW Grandpa Daws mission now is to help beyond the veil with his children and grandchildren.  I know he is aware of all of us....I miss him so much, my mom too.  I am still learning, be patient with me.  I know one day Heavenly Father will wipe away all my tears, and yours.  I love you my Amelia Bedilia.  Love, Dad"

I have read that a lot.  Probably more than I've read any other text or message.  My dad has always been there for me in the darkest times in my life.  He came and picked me up from MT when I was in such a low I wasn't sure if I wanted to live.  I'll never forget when I saw him after 14 months of being away.  A comfort came over me that I think only dads can provide for their daughters.  So, if I become sober only for one reason, my dad would be it.  I wish he could know that this has nothing to do with how he raised me or the things he taught me.  It may take a while for him to know that, maybe as long as it takes me to get answers to my many questions. It is really hard to think about how bad I have hurt him and my mom, and I know that the guilt may take years to go away. I know both my parents wish that things did not turn out this way, so do I.  But, I also would never give back any of my trials even if I had the choice.  

 One person I really miss thru this whole thing is my grandpa Daw.  He was one of the only ones that accepted everyone no matter what they believed.  I'll never forget when he was dying and I went to the hospital to see him.  He wasn't speaking a whole lot, so I leaned over his bed and just told him thank you for always loving me no matter what and for giving me the best blessing in the world the day my wedding was called off.  Thru his tears he said "That's what grandpas are for...". I wish so bad I could give him a hug and get some advice on life and how to get thru this.  Sometimes I feel like he is one of the reasons I am alive, and on the nights when I should have gone to bed and never woken up he was there to cradle me thru the night and watch over me as an angel.  I wish I could hear that everything is going to be all right from him.  I know one day I will.

So, another day down.  Today, I feel happy.  I feel grateful.  I feel lucky.  I feel some guilt, but I think that is normal.  Thanks again for all your support, and remember, God is good. :)