Day 27, sometimes you just gotta trust

I'm not going to lie, I really want to drink tonight.  I've contemplated a few times taking a beer out of the fridge. This is a real struggle tonight, which is why I decided to blog. This is hard. This sucks. As the tears come down my face, the only thing that comes to mind is "sometimes you just gotta trust Amelia". Sometimes you just have to believe with all your heart that your higher power has your back and there is a reason for all of this.

There is a song that has saved me the past few days.  It's called "That Wasn't Me" by Brandi Carlile.....it goes like this...

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you've seen, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you've seen, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

It's amazing what music can do for the soul and how sometimes you feel that a song was written just for you.  When I think about taking that beer out of the fridge tonight I think to myself "that isn't me", because it isn't. I am not a quitter. I fight to the bitter death for the things I want.  I will fight for this.  I will conquer.

Last night I went to a company Christmas party for work.  This is the first time I've been "out" since I got sober.  I would usually have a pint of vodka in my bag, but I didn't last night.  I had to rely on myself to feel comfortable and have fun.  I won't say I had a blast, but it was good to get out.  I refuse to lie on this blog or about anything that has to do with my journey.  I wanted to be drunk last night. Bad.  SO bad, but I wasn't. I got thru the night, went to bed, and got up this morning knowing that I got past one more hurdle. A party with no alcohol, and on to day 27. I know that this is not going to be easy a lot and I am going to be counting the days for a while, but I told myself day one that I wouldn't quit.  Even if I had to drive to my moms so that I could sleep in her bed with her I would make it thru the day. Sometimes the best thing in the world is a mothers comfort.  My mom has believed in me so much.  I'm sure it hasn't been easy for her to see me go thru this.  Last week I called her in my car in tears. I was parked outside an AA meeting and for some reason I couldn't get out of my car and go in.  I was having a meltdown like I've never had in my life.  I think it's the hardest I've cried ever.  My mom just listened to me cry on the other end.  I'm not even sure what I was saying, I was just venting, I guess. Knowing that she was on the other end though is just the comfort I needed.  She kept telling me to go in and that maybe I would feel better and hear somethihg that I need, but I didn't take her advice.  I went home.  I pulled away.  I honestly am not really sure what caused that meltdown, the only thing I know is I had my mom with me.  I love her. So much.

4th Saturday down, almost. That beer is going to stay in the fridge. I'm better than that, because that's not me. :)