Since the holidays are particularly difficult for me thru the recovery process, I decided to write down 38 things I am thankful for today. Today is day 38, Christmas Day. I haven't been sober on Christmas for so long, it actually feels weird. Its not easy. I haven't been around alcohol at all since I started this process, obviously that being my choice. I have seen a beer here or there, but I haven't been around my biggest weakness, which is vodka. Well, any of the hard liquors really. Vodka just happens to be my liquor of choice. Last week I stayed at my moms house because my roommates family came into town, so they stayed at our apartment. I was ok with that, but a little bit nervous because for some reason I get horrible anxiety at my moms. I know it hurts her feelings, and I know that she wonders why. I honestly don't know why either, but when I walk in there I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Especially when its a big family party. Anyway, so I came back to my apartment on Sunday and as soon as I walked thru the door, there it was. A huge bottle of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka, almost full. My eyes went to that bottle immediately. Her family doesn't know whats going on, so I don't blame that for leaving it here. They had to get on a plane and couldn't take it with them. All I have to say is that 3 hours I was there with that bottle sitting on the counter was awful. I knew I was going shopping with my friend Crystal later that night, and that she would be coming over, so I was glad at least I wouldn't be alone. I would have thrown it down the drain, but I know its expensive and I wasn't sure if my roommate would be happy with me just throwing a $30 bottle of vodka down the drain. Plus, I'm just not strong enough yet. I'll be honest. After Crystal and I went shopping, we came in my house, and as soon as she saw the bottle she took it to her car. She didn't even give me the option of what I might want or if I was strong enough. She walked in and saw it and said "Ok, I am taking this, I am putting it in my trunk so its not here to tempt you. If your roommate wants it back tell her I have it, but I will let her know that she can't have that crap at your house." What an amazing friend Crystal is. I am so happy she was with me that night, because right now I am not strong enough to poor alcohol down the drain, nor am I strong enough to be alone with it. So, that brings me to the first thing I am thankful for....
1. Good friends, you know who you are. I have some of the greatest friends in the world, and I have really realized thru this time who they are. I've had people contact me that I haven't spoken to in 10 years letting me know they are there. I am so thankful for that.
2. My brother Garrett. I don't have many words to describe how much I love my brother. He has always been my partner in crime. He is one reason I am becoming sober. I am convinced, for real, that I have the best brother in the world. We have become best friends over the last couple of years since I moved home. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have gotten thru the last 2 years without him. It's awesome having a sibling that is also your best friend.
3. My mom. What an amazing woman. I have talked about her a lot in this blog, so you guys all know how special she is to me. There are so many religious moms out there that wouldn't be very accepting of what is happening to me right now, and my mom has been a champ. She let me live with her for 18 months, and put up with my drunkeness. No one wants to see someone wasted, and she did a lot. So, I am thankful that she chose me to be her daughter.
4. My sisters. I love them! I am so blessed to have 3 sisters. They are all so unique in their own way, and we always laugh so hard together. I love them.
5. My dad. Although there are lots of times when my dad and I haven't seen eye to eye, my dad still hasn't left my side. My dad has been there to give me a blessing when I need it, and give me all the best advice I could ask for. My dad came and picked me up at 3:30 in the morning when I was so drunk I didn't even know where I was. He found me at a 7-11 on 300 South. Thats just the kind of dad he is. When my wedding was called off, my dad felt pain with me. He cried as much as I did, and wanted to take away my pain. Thru my triumphs and failings, he has been there every step of the way.
6. My job. I am grateful that I have a job that I love. Even though it is a new change for me, I am so happy to have a good job that I can support myself with.
7. Annie. I think thru facebook and instagram you guys all know what I feel about her without me typing it all out here. Annie is my angel.
8. A healthy body. With the crap I have put into my body, I am still healthy. I am shocked my body is still functioning. I went and got weighed at the doctor last week and I was a whopping 145 pounds. In september I was 180. I am grateful that thru this my body has shed so much emotional weight and is getting healthy again.
9. CIndee. Best sponsor in the world. Even 2 hours ahead she is there for me, and reads with me over facetime. I love her, and am so grateful that God brought her to me.
10. Movies. I love movies. If you know me well, you know I am obsessed. I watch more movies than the average human being. Its what helps me thru moments of horrible anxiety.
11. Music. I love the healing power of music.
12. Running. Although I haven't been doing much of it lately, I am grateful that I was blessed with the ability to run and be good at it. It has gotten me thru horrible times in my life.
15. Michi. This is one friend of mine that helped me into the first big transition I ever made which was leaving the only religion I knew. This is when I came into myself. Michi made it "ok" for me to be myself when everyone else was telling me that it wasn't ok. She helped me thru the transition of removing my garments, and made me fee like it was all going to be ok. She has supported me thru everything I have gone thru and has been the bestest friend ever. I love you Mich.
16. Jason. This guy has been pivotal to my life and all my growth. I don't have many words, so Ill just leave it at that. Even typing about him brings up a lot of emotion that is hard for me.
17. Coffee. I love love my coffee in the morning, and all day long. :)
18. My nieces and nephews. I am such a blessed aunt to have the best nieces and nephews in the world. They are all so sweet and always ready for a hug. I love them so so much.
19. A warm bed. Sleep is one of my most favorite things in the world. So happy that I have a warm bed to come home to at night.
20. Bill. Its been a year of ups and downs with him, but I think he is such an amazing person, and such a positive influence to me. I am glad that I have him in my life as such an awesome friend and someone I can talk to. He has shown me how I should be treated from a man.
21. Renee. Thru the last 5 years of being a CNA, I have had some of the most incredible experiences. On days when I wanted to drink myself to death, it would be one of my sweet hospice patients words that would get me thru. Renee, I miss you so so much. She was like a second mom to me. I took care of her for the last few months of her life as she battled breast cancer. I had the priveledge of going there 5 days a week to help her with a shower, dressing, etc. She and I became so close, and she taught me so much. Even thru her illness, she still always helped me thru times in my life and gave me the greatest advice ever. I felt that she really understood me and was supposed to be my patient. She loved the time 11:11. I was always there at that time in the morning, so we would make sure that there was a clock near by so she could see it when it hit 11:11. I still look at the clock every day at that time and think of Renee. When she passed, it was so so hard. I was there when the clock turned 11:11 and I just started bawling. I can usually hold it together when a patient passes, but Renee was different. I felt like I was losing a family member. The family gave me one of the many necklaces Renee made and told me that Renee wanted me to have it. I cherish that necklace. I will keep it forever and always think of her. I miss you Renee, until we meet again.
22. Nature. I love the beauty of the outdoors, and since I became sober my eyes have been opened to the beautiful mountains that surround me.
23. The best childhood ever. I have been so blessed to have such an amazing childhood, and have 2 parents who always loved me.
24. God. I am so grateful to God that I am alive and have been given a second chance. I am grateful for all the trials I have been given. I am grateful for the people that have been put in my life to help me thru.
25. Warm baths. Lately I have been taking so many baths. I don't know why, but I love it.
26. AA. Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the best organization I have ever been a part of. Not saying that I have been a part of a lot of organizations, but AA has truly saved me. The unity of the people there is absolutely amazing. Even if you have never met anyone in the meeting before, you feel like you know each other. There is a certain bond there that I can't explain. I am so grateful for all the people I have met thru AA.
27. Montana. Yes, I am grateful for a state. Montana is the most beautiful place I have ever lived. I hold a real special place in my heart for Montana. Although the times there were hard, I met some of the most amazing people in the world there, and friends that will be a part of my life forever.
28. Technology. If it weren't for technology I would never be able to to see Cindee or any of my friends far away. I am so grateful for FaceTime and Skype and all the things that allow you to talk to people in person when they are far away.
29. Sleep. Sleep is my most favorite thing ever! I actually like to go to bed. When I was little I hated going to bed, now it is my favorite time of the day.
30. Laughter. Period.
31. Babies. There is something so sweet and innocent about babies.
32. Medical professionals. Since I have worked in the medical field, I have grown to have a lot more appreciation for those who work in the medical field. Doctors, nurses, CNA's….the work they do is truly amazing.
33. Smiles from people you don't know. I love when you are in the store or gas station, or wherever you are where there is a lot of people, and you get a smile from someone you don't know. We are all fighting a battle in some way, and sometimes those smiles are what get you thru the day.
34. School. I am grateful for the schooling I have. I hope to finish my nursing degree one day, and am grateful for what I have learned already.
35. Books. Right now I am reading the "Big Book" and love it. I need to find more books to read. It has really helped me to keep my mind busy and helped me stay sane in moments of turmoil.
36. My car that gets me where I need to go.
37. Beautiful pictures
38. The holidays with people you love the most. So many people lose family members to addiction and don't get the chance to spend the holidays with them. I am just so grateful that I get to be with my family this Christmas and have been given that second chance.
BRING ON DAY 39!!!
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