Day 14

I have found that thru this whole journey there is a reason why they say "take it one day at a time".  When I first made the decision to become sober, and embraced step 1 of admitting that I was powerless over alcohol, I immediately thought of what I was going to do on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and most of all New Years Eve.  I started getting anxiety about those dates on day 1.  Holidays have always been extra big drinking days for me.  I would always use the excuse that it was a "holiday" so instead of 1 bottle, I would have 2 or 3.  I mean, who wants to spend a holiday sober?  I sure as hell did NOT, and I haven't in 6 years.  I don't even remember most of the holidays over the past few years, which is really sad.  I always had a hidden bottle somewhere that I was drinking out of.  Whether it be under a mattress or in a laundry basket, it was there.  I've decided that every day you have to wake up and make the conscious decision that you are going to have a sober day.  You don't think about the next day, or the holidays coming up, you think about THAT day.  Who knows, tomorrow you might wake up and decide not to have a sober day, but today, you are.  You don't think about New Years Eve and the parties you are going to miss, or the Christmas memosa you won't have.  You think about each moment as they come.  That has been the hardest struggle for me.  So, as of right now, I am not even thinking about tomorrow.  I am thinking of making it to midnight as a sober person.  I pray that I make it and am always asking my Higher Power for strength.  It seems that since I started this journey that I have had more things happen to me that would normally make me go home and drink.  Call it the Devil, call it whatever you want, but I have felt that something is trying to get me to drink, and its trying its hardest. 

I think there is a reason that Dog is God spelled backwards.  I also know that God puts everything in your life for a reason.  Whether it be an animal, person, instrument, movie, etc., I KNOW that there is an intention for everything.  I am seeing things now that I am sober that I never saw before, mainly the fact that I have Annie.  I know that God put Annie in my life for a reason.  He knew there was a storm up ahead and put her there for me.  I feel like Annie is Gods way of saying "I've got you covered Amelia, I am here."  I have never been more clear that God is truly there than I am right now.  Not even when I was going to church regularly.  Annie has helped me thru the darkest moments.  It makes me cry to even type about her.  She is the one that gets me thru each day.  I say this from a really honest place, I don't think I would be here right now if it weren't for Annie.  The morning I woke up soaked in my own urine, I woke up to Annie licking my face to death.  I truly believe she was sent from God to help me wake up.  Maybe that is cheesy, but she is my angel sent from Heaven, and the one I am most grateful for.  I think there is a reason animals can't talk.  I think they are too innocent, and they are only here as comfort for us messed up humans as we go thru this hard life.  I love you Annie, you're my angel.

I have a song that has been my most favorite for a long time.  I've always thought that this song spoke to me, but still would not surrender.  I stayed in denial for a long time, even though every lyric to this song is exactly how I have felt for 6 years.  The song is "Sober" by Pink.  Here are the words.
  
                                                       "Sober" By P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

 

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That that's not the way I want my story to end

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

 

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

 

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

 

Comin' down, comin' down, coming down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

 

When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend

 

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
How do I feel this good sober??

 

I know, that's kind of a long song, so thanks for reading.  I can't believe how much I relate to that song.  Sometimes I ask myself, how am I ever going to feel as good as I feel drunk when I am sober?  I don't know when that will come, but I am hoping that it does.  I know that before I drank I felt amazing.  I had some awesome friends that I would hang out with and I would never drink.  How did I do that?  How was I so happy without the alcohol?  Maybe I just didn't know what I was missing out on?  I dunno, questions, questions, questions!  I'm not saying that I am unhappy without it, but I think it is going to take time to be completely OK and content.  I think it will take a while to figure out other ways to have fun.  Right now, I am just focusing on making it thru the day.  One step at a time. 

 

Tomorrow, halfway to 30.  Ah!  If that's the ONLY thing that helps me to tomorrow, then that's all I need. :)