Day 24, just makin my way

I know I say this in every post, but I can't believe this.  I can't believe I have been sober 24 days.  I caught myself saying that to one of my dear friends tonight on the phone, and hearing myself saying it outloud brought tears to my eyes.  It's surreal.  It's a feeling that only an addict can understand.  It feels like my handcuffs have been taken off.  It's like finally being able to breathe again after having the wind knocked out of you.  I feel like I am no longer a prisoner to alcohol. I don't have to go home at night and surrender to it. I know that I may not feel this way every day, but I do today, so I'll take it.

I don't remember much about the holidays last year.  The only thing I was concerned about was making sure I had enough alcohol on Thanksgiving and Christmas because I knew the liquor store was closed on those days.  I remember standing in line at the liquor store to buy my usual half gallon of vodka, and I remember everyone else had someone else with them.  I was always alone.  Every single time.  I guess at the time I didn't realize how often I was alone, I thought it was normal.  Now that I look back I can't believe how blinded I was.  I can't believe the things you will talk yourself into when you are an addict.  I would say 99% of the time I went to the liquor store I was usually lying to someone about where I was going, and I think 100% of the time I was lying to myself about my alcoholism.  This year the holidays feel a little bit different.  I haven't been in line at the liquor store. Not once. I catch myself looking at it every time I drive past, but immediately look away as feelings of sadness come up.  I have had some people ask me if I'll ever be able to be around alcohol again.  The answer is, no.  I think alcohol will always be a battle.  I think that no matter how many days or years I am sober, if the bottle was there, I would want a shot. I would want to pour myself that first drink.  I simply can not be around it, and I am glad I can finally admit that. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life became unmanageable.

Today I have felt especially grateful for a certain person I have been so lucky to have in my life, and continue to have in my life.  It's funny that I've been thinking so much about him lately because today happens to be his birthday.  So, happy birthday Jason.  I think we all have that person in our life that is pivotal to our growth, and probably the one we love the most.  With a clear mind and with no hesitant in my fingers as I type this, I can say that I will never love a human being in the same way I love Jason.  I think I mentioned him a little bit in my first blog, but I will probably mention him a lot since he is so important to my heart.  Usually when people break up there is so much animosity toward the other person.  Me, I don't feel like that, and neither does he.  Although I haven't seen him in almost two years, I don't go a day without thinking of those 5 years I spent with him.  So many of those times I wish I could take back, but I also know that everything happens for a reason. Jason taught me so many things about myself that I am finally seeing sober.  He still continues to support me even thru this journey that I am on, and cheers for me from the sidelines.  I get so emotional even talking about how special he is to me, and how lucky I feel to have spent the best years of my life with him.  I know there will be a day where I am going to apologize for a lot of things I did.  For the way I know I made him feel at times.  I know I've hurt a lot of feelings of the people I love the most thru my alcoholism.  It makes me ill thinking about it.  I know I shouldn't be thinking of such negative things, but I can't help it.  I wonder why Jason is still so sweet to me when I hurt his feelings so much. I suppose it's the grace of God for making such wonderful people.  I can't wait for the day where I am able to ask for forgiveness for the people I have hurt.  It will feel so good knowing that I am no longer lying to anyone, and that just maybe I can have a fresh start.  I have learned that life is a lot about trial and error, and I am grateful for a God that gives second chances.  I am still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with mine, but I find comfort in knowing  the answers will come.

So, 24 days.  Grateful.  Grateful for all the love and support I have received. Grateful that I have been so honest and that I feel no judgement from those that read this.  Grateful for this trial of mine so that maybe one day I can help someone else. Grateful for sobriety and coming out of clouded judgement.  Grateful for Annie. Most of all, grateful for one more day. Bring on 25.