In AA we celebrate milestones as birthdays. So today was technically my 30 day "birthday". I can tell you that I have never felt wiser than I did on this birthday. Although there was a couple of events today that would have normally driven me to drink, I powered thru it and got my chip. Today was not only my 30 day "birthday", but today was also the end of my CNA career. I've been really struggling with my most recent CNA job and the negativity I have felt was there. I love my residents dearly, but today was the end. It's not an easy transition, but I know that everything happens for a reason. I think that God is clearing out all the negativity in my life even if I'm not necessarily ready for it. When I came home today I was so angry at the situation. I just cried. I called my amazing friend Brookie who has been a huge support for me and she let me vent to her about the work situation. Then she said something that I'll probably never forget, and will use the rest of my life. She said "Amelia, when you get off the phone with me I want you todo something. I want you to think of all the things you want in life. Happiness, health, whatever it is, and I want you to pray and ask God for this person you are so angry at to receive all those things.". When she said that I was floored. Why would I pray for someone I don't like? I decided to take her advice though and do it. I kneeled by my bed and just prayed for this person to find happiness wherever that may be. It wasn't the easiest thing I have ever done, but it really helped change my feelings toward this person. The negativity that I felt in my heart went away. Although this is the end of a chapter, new ones are just beginning and I know that God is aware of me and my struggles and will help me if I reach out and ask.
When I first became sober I was told that the program works if I am willing to put in the work. I told myself from the start that I was going to do whatever it took to become sober. I can't even count how many times I have tried to quit alone. I've bought journals, motivational books, set rules for myself, driven the opposite way home from work as the liquor store, nothing worked. On November 18th is when I knew that if I didn't change then I would probably die. I needed to be honest with myself and everyone else. My life was headed down a path where I may not live to see 60, and to be honest that scared me. If you are an alcoholic you have to work the program or your chances for relapse are high. I always pictured AA meetings as what I saw on movies and TV. I pictured a bunch of people in a cirlce of chairs in a dark room. I pictured it very depressing. I can't believe how far from the truth that is. AA is one of the most amazing, spiritual, uplifting programs I have ever been too. The people that I have already had the chance to meet are some of the best in the world. My friend Jami told me that if I am having a horrible day that I need to go to a meeting because that is where I will feel better. The people there know exactly what I need and I will most likely hear something that I need to hear. Since today wasn't the greatest day I decided to go, plus, I was excited to get my chip :). When I got there I saw someone that I met at the first meeting. I was a little bit late so they had already asked for the "30 day birthdays" to come get their chip. That was ok, I figured I would get it another time this week. He asked if I wanted to sit by him, so I did. I told him that I knew him from the first meeting, and that tonight was my 30 day Birthday. He was so sweet and told me that he would make sure I got my chip. When they asked if there was any birthdays they missed he said really loud that today is my 30 day. Everyone started clapping for me. I walked to the front, introduced myself as Amelia an alcoholic and got my chip. Best feeling. Most rewarding feeling I've had ever. I haven't drank in a whole month. I am not even sure what I said to the crowd because I was crying so much, but I do know that in that moment I was right where I was supposed to be, and I am so grateful. I can't believe how grateful I am. Growing up as a girl who never missed church, I never really knew how real God is until now. Whether it be God or a higher power of some sort, it is real. I know that without a shadow of a doubt. I am so excited about working these steps and becoming a more spiritual person. That is what AA is all about. Finding who you are and connecting with your higher power in the midst of all the chaos. As my sponsor told me last night over FaceTime, the only defense an alcoholic has against taking that first drink is by the help of your higher power. Connecting spiritually and knowing how to ask for help. There is no other way. Alcoholics can not do it alone. I can't wait to continue to get to know myself and realize my worth. I can't wait to sponsor someone else and tell my story. There is nothing more amazing to me than 2 alcoholics helping each other. So happy tonight. Happy 30 day birthday to me :)
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