Day 105

I don't even know where to start with this blog.  I am crying so hard right now I can barely see the keys to type. I don't even know what I am feeling.  Anger?  Sadness? Betrayal? I am a whole ball of emotions with no relief it feels like.  In AA they teach you to pray in times like these, and to be honest I haven't been able to.  Every time I get on my knees I just cry, and I don't feel like God is listening to me.  I feel lost.  I have felt so put together the past 105 days, and now I feel like I am starting over at day 1.  The one thing that I can say is that I have kept my sobriety.  That is one thing that I do have control of right now.  Other than that, I'm just not ok.  I don't feel like God is hearing me when I pray.  I feel like a fool, and I feel like I have been slapped in the face.  There are pivotal moments in a humans life that change you, and I have certainly had one of those.

Where do I even start.  Where do I even fucking start.  I have a certain unnamed person in my life that has told me on numerous occasions, "Amelia, one day you just won't care anymore.  I call it the "fuck its".  You won't care what anyone thinks of you.  Things won't phase you.  Once you have been burned so many times, it happens.  And you'll know when it does.".  Well, it happened.  Literally, I don't care.  I am done caring.  I am done having feelings for people.  I am done feeling like I am always in the wrong.  I am done trying to prove to everyone that I am a good person.  I am done trying to feel accepted and loved, and I am certainly done taking the blame for everything.  Ugh, I'm just done with it, the whole thing.  Maybe that is the most negative thing I could ever say, but its true.  To be honest, it is quite liberating to feel this way, and I think that it is going to help me in the coming months.  Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I guess the only good thing I can say is I am incredibly thankful for Billy.  He came over last night and stayed with me til almost 2:00am.  He is the very last hope in humanity I have, and is sent from God.  The last shred of trust I have in men is in Billy, and I don't anticipate myself changing any time soon.  It is going to take an army of angels to knock down the walls around my heart that I have now put up. I am tired of being second and being let down.  I am tired of being lied to and betrayed.  I'm just tired, I have nothing left to give.  After Billy and I talked last night I felt pretty good, but then like a ton of bricks all the sadness and anger returned.  I don't really know what else to blog about.  I am trying to be positive, but tonight I'm not.  God help me.

Amelia