Hey guys, I'm back. I figured maybe I should wait until I am feeling a little bit more positive before I write again. I know this is an honest blog, and its mine, but I also don't want to come off as the most negative person in the world. I had a bad day on Sunday. I guess we are all entitled to a "no good very bad day" right? I am especially not really fond of Sunday nights anyway, and I knew I had a long week of overtime ahead of me, so there was no way around the negativity that night. I think bad days are good to have every once in a while though because you find things out about yourself. Well, at least in sobriety you do because you have to learn other ways to cope besides running to the bottle. It's amazing the things I have learned about myself since I got sober, and I listed them last night. Here are a few of those things...
1. I have spent way too much time trying to please other people in my life and be accepted. This is a huge reason why I drank so much. I think that it all kind of started in high school and middle school because I never really felt like I fit in. I expanded on that on a previous blog I think, but it goes a lot deeper than I ever thought it did. My grades sucked and I didn't know why no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get good grades. There were so many times I thought I was slightly retarded. I could never match up to the girls that got 4.0's and scholarships and were seminary presidents. That wasn't me. I was more of the rebellious type. My personality has always been more spunky, but it got me in trouble. And then my wedding in 2004. I have felt that there was obviously something wrong with me which is why Bryce did not want to marry me at the last second. Then on to Joe, he didn't want me either. Then Jason, he didn't want me either. Through all these relationships I have realized that I have done some crazy things to win approval. With Joe I went to esthetics school because he always talked about how cute he thought estheticians were. So I started. Did I really want to be an esthetician? No. I mean, I think at the time I thought I did, but now that I look back, I didn't. Which is why I really don't do it much. Then there is Jason. There were numerous occasions where he told me "If only you had a degree things would be so much better". He was always very into the business world and being successful in that way. That's why I started going to nursing school. I mean, I can't say that I didn't love being a CNA, because I honestly had some amazing experiences and wouldn't trade it for the world. However, I don't want to be a nurse. I think the only reason why I went to school was so Jason would accept me. In all reality, I hate school. I am not a good student, never have been, and I don't think that having a degree is everything. I was willing to do anything though to try and get him to accept me. When Billy and I were talking on Saturday night it finally clicked, and I think I said out loud, "When I think about mine and Jason's relationship there are so many things that I do NOT want. So many. I can't take the lies, and I can't take feeling like I am not good enough. I think maybe the only reason why I wanted to see him was so that maybe he would finally accept me being skinny and sober." It was so weird because when I said that it was almost like God yelled at me "YES AMELIA! That is exactly right!". Because its true! I don't want that relationship back! There were so many good things, but there were also so many shitty things that I could never deal with! Ever! I don't think I really expanded in my last blog about what happened over the weekend..... but basically, I found out Jason has a girlfriend on FB. It caught me off guard because of all the lovey texts he has sent me recently, but it was also a good thing because it reassured to me that that is one of the reasons why I left the relationship, the lies, and the double life. I have taken a lot of blame and put it on myself with that relationship when the truth is, it wasn't all my fault. I put up with a lot. More than most girls ever would. It certainly takes two to tango, but I am done taking the blame for the whole thing. So, on Sunday I got rid of every last thing that I still had that reminded me of Jason. Every picture, email, EVERYTHING. It was good, and it felt right. I am so glad that I am sober because if I wasn't then I would never realize these things about myself and be able to move forward. I would continue the same pattern my whole life and would probably drink myself to death. The truth is, I am good enough just the way I am. I don't need a degree, or to be the richest girl in the world to be accepted. I am awesome just the way God made me, and He has told me that :).
2. I have a huge passion for animals, and I want to work with them in some way. Turns out, I don't want to be a nurse. I don't. I am not passionate about it, and I certainly don't want to spend my life doing something that I don't love. I have switched to a vegan diet and it has been the easiest thing in the world for me because I am passionate about it. This is a foreign feeling to me. I remember going to esthetics school and my nursing classes and dreading it. I didn't want to be there, and its because I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for someone else. I know that I want to work with animals in some way and I plan on making it my career in life. I've got big things ahead and I feel it.
3. I want to have a close relationship with God. I think in my past I have been known to shut Him out because of selfish reasons. I wanted people to think I was this tough girl who didn't need a God, when in reality I did. I do know that I am not a person who wants religion in my life, but I do need spirituality, and I do need God. I know that I wouldn't be sober today if it weren't for a God that works miracles every single day. When people ask me if I believe in miracles I say yes because I am one.
4. And last.... I don't want to have kids. This one was the one that was the hardest for me to face because I hate letting people down. With growing up in a Mormon household, having a family is really important to the culture. It is what they live for. I have tried to talk myself into thinking that maybe I do, but I have realized that I don't. I am not a mom, and that is ok, not everyone is. I love animals, and I plan to have a few dogs, but I will not bear children of my own. You have no idea how many times over the years people have said to me "Amelia you will change your mind I promise! How could you not want a kid? I promise you will want one just wait a few years until you find the right man." The problem with those statements are I actually won't change my mind, and I want to find someone who also doesn't want kids. I want to build a house and have a big yard with lots of room for my dogs to run around. Every time I am around kids it is confirmed to me over and over that I am not a mom, and that is ok! Not everyone is. I used to make myself feel so guilty for having these feelings. I would pray to God and ask him to help me feel different, and I never did. I would fake it at times, but it wasn't real. I would look at my friends pics on FB of their kids, and I just didn't feel it. I didn't want one. That motherly instinct just has never kicked in for me, and I don't anticipate it to. The thing is I know I will have just as happy of a life as a person who has kids. I know that I love kids, and even if I find someone who has some kids of their own that would be ok. I would be a great grandma to them and also a good step-mom if they are older. But as far as having my own, that's out of the picture.
So there they are. 4 of the biggest things that I have learned about me. And also 4 of the reasons why I drank so much because I was never true to myself and wanted to please other people by NOT doing those things. I am so happy that I have the steps in my life to help me realize so much about myself and have these shifts. Sometimes a negative day can also be a good day in a lot of ways. I am grateful for life now because I really do have a good one. I have so many good friends and family. I have a few things that I need to work out to make all my dreams come true, but I am hopeful and have faith that they will happen. I love you all. Prayers and blessings being sent your way :)
Amelia
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